Janet responds to three parents who are worried that their kids seem overly anxious and sensitive in social situations. Each parent has tried to be patient and trusting, but they wonder if their child's temperament may be abnormal, especially when compared to their peers. Aside from frustration and concern, one parent says: "I'm so lost... Sometimes I feel shame — not about him — but because I want to do fun things with him, but he always pulls back and retreats." Janet offers advice and a lot of encouragement.

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Effective discipline can be confusing! It can feel like we're working so hard to be caring, empathetic, and patient with our kids—and not lose our temper—yet still, the challenging behaviors keep happening. And then when we try to set boundaries, our child has a meltdown that seems to last forever. What are we doing wrong? In this episode of "Unruffled" Janet explores three common reasons our attempts at respectful discipline can end up being ineffective. She suggests nuanced adjustments that can make all the difference. Her recommendations will not only help to simplify our approach (for the win!) but also help our kids to feel safe, seen, and supported, deepening our parent-child bonds.

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This week Janet consults with the single mother of a 2.5-year-old who's concerned about how she's handling her daughter's behaviors. She describes her toddler as strong-willed, smart, intuitive, loving, sweet, and caring, but when she doesn't get what she wants, she loses it, throwing things, hitting, and screaming. This parent realizes that her daughter's behavior is developmentally normal and maybe even necessary, but it upsets her, as the model she was raised with was entirely different. "I grew up under the auspices of spare the rod, spoil the child," she says. "I don't want that for my baby. I will not be that kind of mom. She deserves better." Janet makes several observations as to how this parent is already achieving her goals, and offers advice for framing her toddler's behaviors in a manner that will make it easier for this mom to calm herself and continue nurturing their relationship in a positive direction. 

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Bossiness. Toy taking. Unkind words. Hitting. Behaviors like these are particularly common between siblings but can happen with peers as well, and they're frustrating and disturbing for us to witness. How to we address them? Separate the warring factions? Issue a mandate? Negotiate a settlement? Perhaps just let it play out? In this episode, a parent writes that her four-year-old loves his 2.5-year-old sister dearly, but "he is insanely jealous, obsessed with having the same or more than her, whether it's food, toys, Easter eggs, crayons... It seemed like a phase, but it's become an obsession." This mom describes all the strategies she's tried to deal with her son's behavior, but to no avail. After considering the causes and conditions of this boy's behavior, Janet offers a respectful approach she believes help alleviate the situation for all. 

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Loryn Brantz is an Emmy-winning author, illustrator, and mom of two, who once built puppets for Sesame Street. Loryn joined Janet on a previous episode of "Unruffled" to talk about parenting a child with disabilities, sharing the joys and challenges of her journey with honesty and her signature warmth and wit. Her new book "Poems of Parenting" is a funny, touching, and totally relatable collection about her ups and downs raising kids, the awkward and sometimes difficult moments she's come to cherish, and ultimately how she's come to embrace her role as a parent. 

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In this encore episode, Janet’s guest is Dr. William Stixrud, a clinical neuropsychologist and co-author of "The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives." Bill Stixrud's decades of experience counseling children and their parents have led to conclusions that complement and support Janet's own parenting philosophy, especially topics such as encouraging self-confidence, intrinsic motivation, and inner-directedness. And since many of Bill's clients have been with him from childhood through adolescence and into adulthood, he has the benefit of seeing the results of his practice. 

Bill and Janet discuss the value of giving our kids opportunities to make choices, discover and pursue their passions, and the challenges and benefits of being a non-anxious presence (because our "calm is contagious").

Dr. Stixrud is the founder of The Stixrud Group, a member of the teaching faculty at Children’s National Medical Center, and an assistant professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the George Washington University School of Medicine. 

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Respectful, effective discipline can be challenging for us to learn, and experience is our best teacher! With that in mind, Janet shares several encouraging success stories from parents who faced frustrating or infuriating, sometimes alarming challenges with their kids. Subjects include disobedience, bedtime struggles, tantrums, aggressiveness, hitting, self-care, boundaries, and more. Each parent describes their before-and-after experience as they implemented advice or strategies from Janet's "No Bad Kids" approach. With each small success, parents found new confidence in their leadership, a sense of surety and calm in their interactions, and the realization that their relationship with their kids was growing stronger than ever. 

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There's nothing unusual about a child screaming, but sometimes it can become a go-to response to any situation. Janet responds to a parent who says her 3-year-old has become "stuck on screaming... She screams at her friends in the park, at my mom, at my dad, at my husband, at strangers..." And because of this parent's childhood environment, her daughter's screaming is triggering. She says it's very difficult for her to stay calm and reasonable. At times, it becomes too much for her, and although she realizes the irony in this, she ends up screaming back.

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Janet’s guest is Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. Her new book “The Way of Play” (co-authored with play therapist Georgie Wisen-Vincent) illustrates how playing with our kids in a receptive manner for even just a few minutes each day helps us to better understand them, while also encouraging their development of social skills, emotional regulation, resilience, and self-confidence. The guidelines Tina and Georgie offer in "The Way of Play" help make connecting through play easy, natural, and fun as well as richly effective for learning and bonding. As Tina explains, "The temptation can be to take over the play or be too instructive or didactic, to think we need to teach all kinds of lessons. But what's really powerful, as we follow our child's lead, is to be able to dive into their world." Janet and Tina do their own deep dive into all of these topics and more. Then they both respond to a letter from a parent struggling with her 4-year-old’s aggressive behaviors.  

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Is it ever okay to say no to our child's requests for closeness or attention, to separate when that makes them upset? What if these requests are frequent, or even seem to evolve into a habit of unreasonable, seemingly over-the-top demands? In this episode Janet responds to two notes from parents who feel they may be in this predicament. One shares that her four-year-old "starts crying hysterically and won't calm down" if the parent doesn't acquiesce to her demands immediately. This parent understandably feels stressed. "It's getting to a ridiculous point, and the demands seem to be growing," she says. "It feels like I'm being held hostage." 

The second mom shares that her two-year-old often cries when she leaves her side, even when her dad is there for her. She wonders if this is a sign her daughter is anxious and if there's something more or different the parents should be doing. 

In both cases, these parents are hoping to help their kids feel more confident and secure, and Janet shares a perspective she believes will help them achieve these goals. 

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