"It's not fair!" Kids say it. We deny it. But how do we actually teach our children about fairness. And should life even be fair ? Katy Gosset looks at one of parenting's prickly issues.

"Ít's not fair !" Kids say it . We deny it. But how do we actually teach our children about fairness. And should life even be fair ? Katy Gosset looks at one of parenting's prickly issues.

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Joanna's son has been invited to a birthday party but his sister doesn't understand why she can't go too.

"So that's not fair in her eyes."

Welcome to the world of children. All things should be equal or at least fair, shouldn't they ?

Not really.

It's one of the first harsh lessons in life for kids.

Most parents attempt to create an environment in which children are treated fairly.

"I do make an effort to spend time with each of them. Doesn't always work but that's the goal," Joanna said.

But children are very attune to any disparity and hence that catch cry of childhood, "It's not fair!"

Clinical psychologist and mother of two, Catherine Gallagher, is no stranger to it herself.

"That cry is so familiar as a parent but it can also strike fear into our hearts because what if they're right?"

But what if things aren't meant to be entirely fair ?

In the past, fairness between siblings was less common with boys, particularly older ones, receiving many benefits, Gallagher said.

Whilst she didn't advocate a return to 'male privilege', she believed the pendulum had now swung too far in the other direction, creating a situation where no one was left disappointed or having to wait for anything.

In some cases schools were running classes to prepare children for the fact that they might not get an award, she said.

"The pendulum is out of hand."

Daring to be (just a bit) unfair

Many parents believed coping with unfairness was somehow harmful to a child, Gallagher said. In fact it was character-building.

A good approach was to create a 'middle ground where we typically get what we need, sometimes get what we want, but actually we also have to deal with the fact that someone else is getting something we're not.'

To learn this lesson it was important that life had some unfairness in it, she said.

"Because someone's getting the job and someone won't. In a race someone actually worked really hard to win that race and if you're last, that doesn't make you a lesser person, it just makes you not so fast."…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details