Welcome to the first ever Secret Story Time, our Patreon-only showcase for the kind of dark history, true crime, and supernatural fuckery that creepy geniuses love. This week’s story comes to us from the shadow of Rio’s Christ the Redeemer statue, and wow—is it a positively Biblical shit show. This tale stars current Brazilian politician and gospel music star Flordelis and her 50+ children in an episode that’s one part Brady Bunch, one part evangelical telenovela. Researching this literally had us up late translating Portuguese newspapers just to get every drop of tea...and, honestly, it was worth it, cuz this particular true crime tea is STRONG.

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Cults—they’re not just for aspiring Hollywood celebrities anymore! With their inviting exterior and savvy intimidation tactics, cults like Scientology, Jonestown, and the Branch Davidians have captivated curious onlookers for centuries. But as the internet continues to isolate Americans and spread misinformation faster than COVID-19 at a pool party, they’ve also become a chilling part of the mainstream political landscape. Hosts Kimberly and Edward report on The Church of Sacrifice and Hosanna Church, two very real cults in Louisiana’s semi-recent history. Special guest judges Meghann McCracken (screenwriter and essayist) and Jared Loper (Sucker Free Jiu-Jitsu), both former members of extreme religious sects, join Human Fuckery in the studio for a wild chat covering QAnon, HBO’s “The Vow” and NXIVM, and a whole lot more that will leave you going “Uh...W.T.F.” If you like this episode, support our team and get exclusive access to bonus stories, interviews, and content at http://www.patreon.com/humanfuckery

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Murderous mammals, escape artist octopi, felonious rodents—humans aren’t the only animals who can end up in deep trouble for breaking our laws. Hosts Kimberly and Edward share the true stories of noble beasts found guilty of criminal behavior in the eyes of the legal justice system...and the lives that are lost when people try to subjugate Mother Nature. Author and  New Orleans history tour guide Doug Presley teams up with law student and animal rights activist Jacey Winn as guest judges in an episode that’s sure to make y'all vote Giant Asteroid 2020. 

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The open road tempts us with adventure and anonymity...but sometimes “death in disguise” is waiting on the side of the road. This episode covers two jaw-dropping incidents of hitchhiking gone nightmarishly awry, one on the ride back from New Orleans (Jett Simmons McBride & Caleb “Kai” McGillvary), the other a wild goose-chase from North Carolina to Vermont (Gary Sampson). Hosts Kimberly and Edward reveal which one of THEM is the survivor of an actual highway abduction, and two surprise guests pop by to “judge” our storytellers' submissions. 

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Fatherhood is hard. The responsibility. Late nights and early mornings. Decades of manual and emotional labor. It’s one of the most difficult jobs in the world…and when some men quit, it gets terrifying. This episode tackles familicide, the way-more-common-than-you-would-think occurrence of individuals killing off the family they themselves built. Hosts Edward and Kimberly reach into the archives to report on two mass murders committed by what appeared to be loving fathers: Upstanding citizen Bradford Bishop, a Yale alumnus and military veteran; and Tony De Capua, a hard-working Italian immigrant in the heart of roaring '20s Ohio. Guests this week are New Orleans burlesque all-star Bunny Love, and witchy animal law advocate Jacey Winn, who’ll vote to determine which hosts takes the big win. 

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One day they’re sitting on the couch with you, or laughing from their end of the dinner table. The next? Gone, without a trace. Every single day someone in the world with a family and friends simply—poof—vanishes. In this premiere episode, journalist Kimberly and psychologist Edward dig up two wildly contrasting and well documented cases of human vanishings, one from the snowcapped mountains of 1950s Russia (with paranormal implications), the other from the sedate suburbs of well-monied New England in the 1980s. Which story will win? The people will decide. 

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Did you crave those weekend airings of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” or “Unsolved Mysteries” way back when? Then this show is especially for you. An investigative journalist and a clinical psychologist go head-to-head in this irreverent storytelling competition curated to captivate other spooky nerds . Each episode, hosts Kimberly and Edward are assigned a different topic to research. Both receive one week to dive into archives to find a true crime, strange event, or mind-bending occurrence from human history which best fits their assigned theme. The pair take turns presenting their stories to a panel of (reluctant) guest judges for feedback, but ultimately it’s the listeners who pick which fascinating, jaw dropping, or totally bizarre true story will be crowned victorious.