In Bed with Science: a Sex Podcast

Around 20 to 30% of women struggle to orgasm during partnered sex. And while there are plenty of reasons that get talked about — relationship issues, technique, and types of sex — they don't necessarily explain why it's so inconsistent. Why sometimes you can come, sometimes you can't, and you can't for the life of you find the pattern.

This week, I dig into a recent study that points to a factor most of us are barely looking at — and it might just be the missing piece.

We explore:

• Why coming during partnered sex can be so inconsistent — and what the latest research can tell us about it
• The surprising difference between inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive ADHD when it comes to orgasmic consistency
• Why orgasm requires sustained attention, and how our culture trains us out of the exact thing sex needs us to do
• The link between neurodivergence and kink — and what it tells us about staying present during sex
• Concrete, science-backed ways to increase orgasm consistency during sex with a partner, ADHD symptoms or not

Timestamps:

03:47 — What the research found about ADHD and orgasms

06:07 — Why your ADHD subtype matters for coming

08:43 — Why presence during sex is so hard

14:14 — How shame carries into the bedroom

16:55 — Practical ways to stay present during sex

17:46 — The surprising link between ADHD and kink

The study in this episode:

Exploring Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Symptomatology in Relation to Women's Orgasmic Consistency

Published in the Journal of Sex Research by Jensen-Fogt and Pedersen.

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Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

When couples have been together for years, boredom can start to feel like something you have to accept. You love each other, but somewhere along the way, you start wondering whether the spark left because your partner became boring — or because the relationship did.

In this episode, I dig into a study on self-expansion that offers a solution to that bordeom: curiosty. And the longer you've been together, the more important it may be to keep creating moments where you get to experience each other in new ways.

We explore:

• Why knowing your partner so well can sometimes get in the way of wanting them
• Why trying to recreate the honeymoon phase usually doesn't work — and what to do instead
• How self-expanding activities can support desire and satisfaction in long-term relationships
• What “doing something new together” can actually look like without grand gestures, weekends away, or turning your life upside down
• The catch: why one interesting date night won't carry your desire for months, and what long-term desire requires over time

Timestamps:

02:14 — What the research found

05:54 — Why curiosity matters in long-term relationships

08:44 — Novelty beyond sex and techniques

14:16 — Why this matters more in longer relationships

19:49 — Small ways to bring aliveness back

The study in this episode:

Broadening Your Horizons: Self-Expanding Activities Promote Desire and Satisfaction in Established Romantic Relationships

Published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by Muise, Harasymchuk, Day, Bacev-Giles, Gere, and Impett.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

This week's episode is a little different. I sat down with my cousin — Dr. Chloe Vites, a GP (doctor) based in the UK — and let her ask me all the questions people usually ask me at parties, on flights, and in the DMs.

Things like: Why I became a sex therapist. What I actually do in session. What it was really like filming Married at First Sight: Sweden. And the things I wish couples knew before it's too late.

In this episode, we explore:

• The moment at 17 that made me decide this was going to be my career
• Why I chose to specialise in low desire — and what most people get wrong about who actually struggles with low libido
• What it was really like filming Married at First Sight: Sweden (GIft vid första ögonkastet) as one of three experts, and the parts that surprised me most
• The biggest myth about desire — and why the most common assumption keeps couples stuck for years
• What I wish couples in crisis knew (and why I really wish they wouldn't)
• How I talk to my own kids about sex — and important steps not to skip
• The hardest part of my work — and it isn't the topics you'd expect

01:16 — Why I became a sex therapist

03:51 — Specialising in low desire

06:28 — What sex therapy is really like

08:31 — Filming Married at First Sight Sweden (GVFÖ XL)

10:59 — The easiest & hardest parts of the job

15:59 — Being a female therapist with male clients

20:31 — How people react when they know my job (in dating & with acquaintances)

23:59 — The hardest conversation about sex for couples

28:02 — Talking to kids about sex (& how I talk to my own about it)

32:12 — What I used to believe about sex

33:30 — What people get wrong about desire

37:38 — MAFS Sweden & analysing people as an occupational hazard

40:41 — What I wish every couple knew

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

We've been taught that monogamy is the default because it's more satisfying, more "natural". But what if that's not actually what the research says?

In this episode, I dig into a major new meta-analysis of 35 studies and nearly 25,000 people that compared relationship and sexual satisfaction across monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. The findings challenge a lot of what we've assumed — and what culture has been telling us for a very long time.

If you've ever wondered whether opening up your relationship might fix a mismatched desire problem — I talk about why that question matters less than the reason you're asking it, from a sex-therapist lens.

We explore:

• What a meta-analysis of nearly 25,000 people found about satisfaction in monogamous vs non-monogamous relationships
• The uncomfortable truth about why we elevate monogamy — and what it protects us from having to look at
• How non-monogamous individuals reported slightly higher trust, and what monogamous couples can learn from how non-monogamous relationships define boundaries
• When opening up a relationship can be running away from the problem — and how to tell the difference
• What actually predicts satisfaction in a long-term relationship

Timestamps:

02:51 — Opening up as a fear response

03:49 — Main findings from the study

08:27 — Monogamy doesn’t guarantee safety

10:46 — Is it okay to flirt & where does the line go?

14:59 — Why opening up may not solve the real issue

17:48 — What predicts relationship satisfaction

The study in this episode:

Countering the Monogamy-Superiority Myth: A Meta-Analysis of the Differences in Relationship Satisfaction and Sexual Satisfaction as a Function of Relationship Orientation. Published in The Journal of Sex Research in 2025.

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Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

A listener wrote in describing herself as a "well-scraped peanut butter jar" — nothing left to give sexually, and tired of trying.

She'd had sex four days a week, spent evenings cuddling and massaging, and offered every kind of intimacy she could think of. Yet every week still brought sulking, silent treatment, and rejection tears.

After two months of no sex, the pressure finally stopped — so she asked me: why would I ever go back?

In this episode, I unpack what that relief is really telling us — and where to go from here.

We explore:

• Why the relief of not having sex is usually relief from the pressure surrounding sex — and why that distinction is important
• How sulking, silent treatment, and emotional withdrawal are all examples of unhealthy relationship communication behaviours, and how they can make it impossible to say yes to sex freely
• What happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved and important — and how that puts unsustainable pressure on the other person
• The questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, including when sex became this loaded and what the relationship looks like outside the bedroom
• What happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved — and the pressure that puts on the other partner
• The questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, and why I wouldn't start with "how to get you to want more sex"

Timestamps:

01:46 – The Listener's Question

02:24 – Why You're Depleted (And Why That Makes Sense)

04:18 – "Why Would I Ever Go Back?" — The Real Question

05:20 – The Relief Isn't About Sex — It's About Pressure

06:12 – What the Absence of Fighting Really Means

07:50 – Understanding the Behaviours: Sulking, Stonewalling & Withdrawal

10:19 – The Gottman Four Horsemen & Sexual Rejection

13:04 – Why "Just Try Harder" Fails the Low-Desire Partner

14:21 – What I Would Do If I Were Your Sex Therapist

17:41 – The Key Question: Do You Want to Want Sex Again?

18:59 – The Path Forward: Removing Pressure Before Rebuilding

22:58 – Summary & Takeaways

26:09 – Outro & Working with me

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

Difficulty orgasming isn’t always about you. At least, not in the way you might think.

In this minisode of In Bed with Science, I’m talking about one of the less discussed reasons orgasm can become harder with a partner: when your orgasm starts to feel like proof that they’re good at sex.

Orgasms aren’t gifts.

And when your partner’s care, effort or disappointment becomes part of the experience, pleasure can quickly turn into pressure.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why “giving” someone an orgasm can be an unhelpful way to think about sex
• How a partner’s investment in your orgasm can make it harder to relax
• Why pressure and self-monitoring can get in the way of pleasure
• What to do when orgasm has become the goal of sex

Your orgasm isn’t a performance review of your partner’s skills. And it isn’t the only proof that sex was good.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

AI is being turned to as a replacement for therapy. As a sex therapist who specialises in low libido, I wanted to know - can it actually help with something as nuanced as low sex drive in a marriage?

So I put it to the test. I pretended to be a typical client of mine - a woman in a long-term relationship, struggling with low desire and shame around her turn-ons - and turned to both a trained mental health bot and ChatGPT to see what they got right, what they got wrong, and what most people would never notice was missing.

We look at what the research says about AI's accuracy in sexual & mental health, why feeling understood isn't necessarily the same as actually being understood, and where AI genuinely helps versus where it might make things like low libido and relationship issues worse.

In this episode, we explore:

• What the research reveals about how AI chatbots actually perform on sexual health and therapy scenarios
• The results of my own experiment pretending to be a client struggling with low sex drive and shame around what turns her on
• How AI tends to over-validate, skip the questions a sex therapist would ask, and offer solutions before it knows you
• How AI can sneakily reinforce the very patterns that create low desire and sexual problems in marriage in the first place
• When AI is a useful thought partner for relationship and sex issues, and when it falls short of what real therapy does

Today's studies:

Evaluation of Artificial Intelligence Chatbots for Providing Sexual Health Information: A Consensus Study Using Real-World Clinical Queries

Published in BMC Public Health in 2025.

A Comparison of Responses from Human Therapists and LLM-Based Chatbots

Published in JMIR Mental Health in 2025.

The Ability of AI Therapy Bots to Set Limits With Distressed Adolescents

Published in JMIR Mental Health in 2025.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

We've all heard it before: "Men always want sex". They’re simple and always raring to go.

As a sex therapist specialising in low libido and mismatched desire, I know the toll these kinds of myths can take on the individual and the relationship at large.

In this minisode, I break down one of the most common myths about male sexuality — and how it contributes to low desire, performance pressure, and shame.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

Low desire in women is often treated as a hormonal problem or a relationship one.

But what if the problem isn’t low libido persay, but rather a lost connection to your body?

In this episode, I talk to psychologist and leading sex researcher Dr. Lori Brotto about the science of mindfulness and why it’s become one of the most effective psychological treatments for low desire and arousal in women.

We discuss how mindfulness improves sexual wellbeing, why physical arousal and mental desire don’t always match, and why pills designed to “fix” low desire often fall short.

We explore:

• What mindfulness actually is — and why it’s often misunderstood
• Why improving body awareness (interoception) can influence desire
• The research behind mindfulness-based sex therapy
• Why physical arousal and mental desire don’t always align
• The limits of medications designed to treat low desire
• The role of shame and self-criticism in sexual difficulties
• Why relationship therapy alone often doesn’t resolve sexual problems
• Where to start if you’re curious about using mindfulness to reconnect with desire

02:31 - How Dr. Lori Brotto Got Into Sex Research

05:29 - What Is Mindfulness, Really?

14:34 - How Mindfulness Works for Low Desire

18:11 - Arousal Non-Concordance (& Why It Matters?)

21:49 - The Problem with Pharmaceutical Solutions

24:59 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

29:22 - Why Relationship Therapy Alone Often Isn't Enough

30:46 - The Mirror Exercise & Confronting Shame

33:18 - How Often Should You Practice Mindfulness?

37:06 - Mindfulness for Neurodivergent People

40:49 - What If You Hate Mindfulness?

42:28 - The Hope Effect & Reducing Distress

43:34 - Mindfulness Research On Men

46:26 - The Importance of Women's Sexual Health Research

48:57 - Closing Thoughts: Interoception, Self-Compassion & Why Sexual Health Matters

Papers mentioned in this episode: 

• Effects of Group Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy versus Supportive Sex Education on Sexual Concordance and Sexual Response Among Women with Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder
• Mindfulness-Based Sex Therapy Improves Genital-Subjective Arousal Concordance in Women With Sexual Desire/Arousal Difficulties
• Group mindfulness-based therapy significantly improves sexual desire in women
• Homework adherence in mindfulness-based cognitive interventions for female sexual dysfunction: a scoping review

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

Sometimes low libido doesn’t look like avoiding sex. Sometimes it looks like having sex you didn’t really want in the first place.

In this episode, I talk about something that’s far more common than most of us realise: saying yes to sex in a committed relationship even when you’re not really in the mood.

It's about the kinds of moments where you agree because it feels easier than arguing, because you don’t want to disappoint your partner, or because you hope you’ll “get into it” once you start.

We look at what the research says about why we do this, when it’s more neutral, and when it reduces desire and closeness further - or becomes harmful. 

Toward the end, I share a simple reflection exercise to help you understand your own “yes” — and whether it’s something that it's helpful, or costing you something. 

In this episode, we explore:

• Why saying yes to unwanted sex is incredibly common in long-term relationships
• The difference between saying yes because you want connection — and saying yes to avoid conflict or guilt
• The subtle forms of pressure that don’t look like pressure
• When and why sexual compliance can sometimes lead to positive outcomes, and why it more often leads to negative outcomes. 
• A ​guided, free exercise to work out your own 'yes'

02:20 - What Is Sexual Compliance?

05:37 - Today's Research Paper: How Common Is Unwanted Sex?

07:03 - Why People Say Yes: Approach vs. Avoidance Motives

09:35 - It's About Power

11:29 - The Mental Load & Desire Connection

12:31 - The Two Types of Pressure: Explicit vs. Implicit

14:20 - Monogamy & the Unspoken Contract

16:21 - What Are the Consequences?

18:23 - My Sex-Therapist "Neutral at Worst" Stance & What it Means

19:36 - Avoidance Motives & Long-Term Harm

21:48 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

22:29 - Free Exercise: Identifying Your Pattern

28:52 - Breaking the Cycle & Finding Support

The study discussed in this episode is Sexual Compliance in Finnish Committed Relationships: Sexual Self-Control, Relationship Power, and Experienced Consequences by Himanen & Gunst, published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link