I help parents improve their children's behavior in under 5 minutes a day with one simple tool.  Learn more here. 
There are many types of anxiety that children can suffer from.
Separation anxiety: When children are worried about being separated from caregivers. These kids can have a hard time at school drop-offs and throughout the day.
Social anxiety: When children are excessively self-conscious, making it difficult for them to participate in class and socialize with peers.
Selective mutism: When children have a hard time speaking in some settings, like at school around the teacher.
Generalized anxiety: When children worry about a wide variety of everyday things. Kids with generalized anxiety often worry particularly about school performance and can struggle with perfectionism.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder: When children’s minds are filled with unwanted and stressful thoughts. Kids with OCD try to alleviate their anxiety by performing compulsive rituals like counting or washing their hands.
Specific phobias: When children have an excessive and irrational fear of particular things, like being afraid of animals or storms.

So what do you do when your child suffers from one of these forms of anxiety? Sometimes the solution can be simple and easy to address. I remember when I was about 5 to 7 years old and there were some days when I would wake up feeling like I wasn’t well enough to go to school. I would tell my mother that I couldn’t go to school that day because I felt sick. She would respond with sympathy and concern and then advise me to get ready for school and then see how I felt. She knew that if I proceeded with my daily routine, that would take my mind off my worries and I would be fine. It always worked. By the time I got dressed and ate breakfast, I felt ready to go to school. I remember being impressed with how smart she was. When I got older I appreciated how wise she was.

 I help parents improve their children's behavior in under 5 minutes a day with one simple tool.  Learn more here. 
When a child is first born, all decisions for the child must be made by the parents. By the time the child reaches adulthood, they are making all of the decisions for themselves. How does that transition work? How do we move from doing everything for our child to surrendering all control and becoming a supportive friend? A natural transition occurs as your child grows in abilities and becomes able to do more for herself. You may notice while you are dressing her, that she wants to do it herself or even select the outfit herself. Or he may want to pour his own glass of water. Sometimes these first attempts can lead to disastrous results. You may be tempted to override their desires for autonomy and insist that you continue to do things for them, but is this in the best interests of your child? This does not mean we need to or should relinquish the adult role. If your child is trying to do something that could hurt them or someone else, clearly you have to intervene, just be clear on why you are intervening. Is it necessary to keep them safe? Or will it just make things more convenient for you? If you find you are still doing things for your child after they are able to do it for themselves, ask yourself if you are doing this for them or for yourself? Are you helping them? Or are you meeting your need to be in control or useful or needed? What is in the best interest of your child? To be waited on by a devoted parent? Or to learn new skills and develop autonomy and self-confidence? If the goal is to raise an independent, successful adult, what is the wisest approach? Perhaps the adage, “Never do something for your child that he can do for himself.” comes into play here.

How does this transfer of control work for school age children? How much autonomy should a child have at this stage? Should a school age child decide whether or not they attend school? Or what school they attend? Or whether or not they do homework?
Let’s go back to the question of safety. Obviously, you wouldn’t let your child run into the street, or play with matches or sharp knives. Part of your responsibility as a parent is to keep them safe and to teach them to take care of themselves. You would stop them from doing something dangerous and then explain why it is dangerous and how to cross a street safely, or handle matches or sharp knives. Children need to know we are concerned for their well being. And they may need help understanding long term consequences. The Frontal Lobe, the brain’s top executive, is the last part of the brain to develop in young adulthood. Rather sobering to think that teenagers are making decisions that will impact the rest of their lives at a time when their cognitive reasoning is not fully developed. And some youth have the added challenge of mental health issues, such as ADHD, Depression, Autism and Mood Disorders. How does that transfer of control from parent to child work in these cases? How do you work with a child who would be perfectly content to stay home from school every day and play video games? Or stay in their room and sleep? How much freedom can you allow a youth who just wants to hurt themselves? Or maybe even take their own life? How do you know which decisions they can make for themselves and which ones you need to make for them? For anyone who wants to make decisions for your child, including the child himself, apply the standard of “best interest”. Does this decision have the ultimate goal of fostering and encouraging your child's happiness, security, mental health, and emotional development into young adulthood? The boundary between acting in the child’s best interest and unnecessary dominion or control must be carefully and sensitively protected.

 Some parents feel intimidated by education professionals, especially if the parents don’t have an advanced degree or even any post high training. They may feel that the teacher is the expert and be reluctant to interfere with or question what is happening in the classroom. While the teacher may have the professional training, parents are the experts on their child. They have been with them since birth and are best qualified to understand their needs and how they learn. Parents come from a perspective of what is best for their child, while teachers come from a perspective of what is best for the classroom. Parents will be involved in the life of their child for a lifetime, while teachers will only be involved for a few months or possibly years. Parents need to contribute the valuable knowledge they have gleaned from raising their child to the educational process. Their child’s teacher will be better equipped to help their child progress academically. Parents need to form a synergistic team with the education professionals in their children’s lives, with the parents sharing their knowledge of the student and the professionals sharing their knowledge of the learning process. Their children, especially the ones who struggle, will thrive in this setting. 

 If teachers take the attitude that students succeed if they want to, then when students fail their class they can console themselves with the thought that it wasn’t their fault. They taught the material, the student just chose not to complete the assignments. Nothing changes, they can continue to collect their paycheck and move on feeling they have done all that is required of them. Most teachers enter the profession because they want to make a difference in the lives of their students. They may become discouraged as the years go by and they see that not all students learn quickly and easily. It becomes more challenging to maintain their original zeal for teaching after they have been through many challenges, and it may become much more tempting to work with the students who excel naturally and ignore the ones who struggle and even cause problems. It is much easier to find fault with others rather than ourselves. However, if teachers understand that students succeed when they can, they will want to identify what is blocking that success. Does the student feel safe in the classroom environment? Do they have a learning disability? Are they able to hear the instructions? Can they process the information that is presented? Do they understand the steps? Are they distracted by unmet needs? This mind set allows for growth and improvement; it makes it possible for all students to succeed. When this is the approach teachers take, parents are a valuable ally in problem-solving to determine what obstacles are preventing the student from attending class or completing assignments. 

Learn more about family meetings in my Power Parent class.
Does your family hold family meetings?  Family meetings provide a time and format for planning and working together much like a business meeting an employer might hold with his team of employees or a sports team before a game.  They can be as informal as conversations held during a meal or any time everyone involved is in the room and only last a few minutes. They can also consist of a regularly appointed time with a written agenda and last an hour or longer.  Shorter is always better, but a family meeting needs to last long enough to address any issues or concerns that involve the group as a whole. Its purpose is to provide effective communication and promote teamwork, a feeling of involvement and belonging.  It lets every member know that they are valued and appreciated as an essential member of the family. These meetings can expedite or smooth out the day to day activities in a home such as meals, cleaning, yardwork, transportation for children with their events, sharing the family car, making sure everyone gets where they need to go, managing the finances, and solving any problems that arise when a group of people share a house with all its responsibilities.  It’s also a time to plan family vacations or address weightier matters like an extended illness or death of a family member. It is easier to address these serious issues when the relational rapport has already been established with clear lines of communication. Family meetings allow members to provide mutual support as opposed to individuals who just happen to live in the same house. Each member becomes aware of the goals, needs, and challenges of the others.  They can get involved in each other’s lives and serve each other. Bonding and synergistic energy are the result. Any number of people working together can accomplish more than the same number of people working separately.

There are many benefits to family meetings, but nothing worthwhile comes without a cost.  It takes effort and persistence to establish and maintain the practice of holding family meetings.  Depending on when the idea is introduced, you will most often meet with resistance. The easiest approach is to begin when the family begins.  When two people decide to form a family, they can begin this habit of consistent regular communication. It is a natural part of setting up a household and sharing a home.  Care will need to be taken that this is maintained and the communication continues. One or both parties involved will need to make sure that communication continues consistently, whether with a formal, regularly scheduled time or more informally on a daily basis.  The pattern is set from the beginning and as children are added to the family they are included, even infants. Children grow up knowing this is what their family does. They learn they are a valuable part of this group. Their needs are taken seriously and they are able to contribute to serve their family.

 Learn more about family structure in my Power Parent class.