Intimate Interactions

Happy New Year, Intimates! It’s 2020, the year where “partying like it’s 2020” will likely mean turning in around 10:30 pm so you feel rested the next morning. Just kidding - it’s the year of hindsight, and even with perfect hindsight, people stay up later than they say they want to and experience more motivation to commit to hard things the further away they are. I’ve always found that a bit embarrassing personally - or perhaps as a species?

New Years is a time of new beginnings, which brings us to Imposter Syndrome, one of those things from which many of us (myself included) suffer when starting something new or even after many years. Someone once said to me “imposter syndrome is colonialism” and it got a lot easier to take off the sweater vest that is imposter syndrome. I personally cope by reminding myself that people I respect chose for me to be where I am and since I respect them, I respect their opinion of what they saw in me.

Which brings us to today where I made a podcast for all of 2019 and some of 2018 every week for you folks. Here we are talking with Yana Skorstengaard about colonialism, moving, and grad-school, three related topics.

Do deterrents work? If you make a deterrent awful enough, does it stop crime? Has capital crime ended where the death penalty exists if you don’t count executions as murders? Yana, a criminology researcher from the University of Ottawa is here to help us unpack these things.

Since it’s six figures per prisoner per year in our current system, and if these very expensive, punitive deterrents don’t successfully deter crime, what does? What programs exist that reduce criminals reoffending - that’s called recidivism. So how can we take people who have committed a crime and have them not commit crimes anymore - that’s called rehabilitation.

We pose the question: does knowing you’ll be caught for certain deter crime? And if so, with technology evolving, how easily can we catch people and then offer a small consequence that is enough to deter but not so much it eats through public funds in the wasteful, harmful way our current punitive system does.

Keep in mind we’re spending this much on prisons while simultaneously talking about situations in which people are constantly exposed to violence by guards and other inmates. Rape and assault are not uncommon in prisons and in no way rehabilitating. I don’t think anyone would ever make the claim someone deserves to be raped regardless of what they’ve done. What if I told you that some of your taxes every year funded programs that resulted in non violent offenders being raped? Yeah. Think about that as we talk about motivations, crime, and punishment.

Keep in mind there’s no chance even if it’s possible that we get non violent offenders out temporarily that the Correctional Services of Canada would ever consider letting out dangerous or violent offenders. They are very conservative on their stance and are likely to stay that way in their pursuit of public safety with the ineffectual, expensive, and time-consuming systems and laws we’ve given them.

Link for petition

https://cp-ep.org/protectprisoners/ - Petition/List of Demands

Correctional Service of Canada

https://www.csc-scc.gc.ca/index-en.shtml

My father visited from India recently. He turns 70 in 9 days. With chronic fatigue, heart attacks, and trans-ischemic attacks - they’re like ministrokes - I felt a sense of urgency to connect with him. I invited him to podcast about his childhood as it seemed like a good way to learn more about him, and I think it’s important to humanize a parent as just another person where you get the opportunity.

These recordings of my parents, in this case of my father, serve as a record for my nieces but also insights about how I became who I became. This recording provided me an opportunity to get to know someone important to my formative years and also still important to me today.

My father was sick when he arrived to visit and four weeks later was still sick so we recorded through the coughing because it seemed like the best opportunity I was going to get.

Because giving anal sex is my primary form of penetrative sexual expression, it became essential for me to make it easier and pleasurable for others.

Coaching someone who is receiving anal sex is more an art than a science, but there are certain skills that are useful. You can also coach yourself while you’re receiving anal sex, something I do frequently given my experience coaching others.

Another skill I forget to mention in the episode is using one hand (or two) to hold the shaft of the insertable be it a dildo or a penis to shorten it. It’s a great way to control penetration depth on the road to full insertion. The other option if you aren’t using a penis is to use smaller insertables at first. I find the interruption of changing insertables though to be maybe too disruptive of the experience for me, so I currently prefer a bigger insertable with a hand around the base for when I want more.

There is also such a thing as too deep in my experience giving and receiving. Some recta (or rectums) are only so long. If your insertable (or penis) is too long for the butt you’re inside, it will only quote unquote “turn pleasurable” for a certain length inside before it’s just uncomfortable. That can be sexy in the context of enduring something uncomfortable for someone else as a fetish, but isn’t a best practice in my honest opinion. Ideally you want to be sized for the person you’re fucking or if you have a bio cock like I do, you can adjust their position to change the shape and length of the rectal canal. On their back with their legs up will be shorter inside than on their stomach with their legs along the floor.

Jazz Goldman returns in this session to discuss pegging as well - that is to say strap-on sex in the bum. Since we’ve both given and received anal sex with each other, we have a lot to say about the experience. Enjoy!

Questions

Life Interrupted. I think that’s the title of the chapter of the memoirs I’ll never write about 2019 and 2020. The novel coronavirus has probably produced more global anxiety, depression, stress, and grief than just about any other single event I can think of right now in my lifetime. It has brought so many in the global community together in our isolation from even the closest neighbours.

Yana is back to chat about how the pandemic has affected her personally. We talk about emotional intelligence, coping strategies, what advice we’d give ourselves in the past, and my personal views on grief as a response to searching for meaning, value, and celebration of those we love. Get ready to call your loved ones and remind them how special they are; you might find yourself reaching for the phone after this session of Intimate Interactions.

Link for petition

https://cp-ep.org/protectprisoners/ - Petition/List of Demands

Today, Yana Skorstengaard, a masters candidate at the University of Ottawa in criminology discusses how we relate to crime and are intimate with the criminal punishment. It has the power to come into our lives and take everything we have. We trust that it will be just and fair with us even though we know it isn’t like that with lots of other people. Why do we assume we’ll be treated fairly? Is it only white folks who assume they’ll be treated fairly? We have a good conversation that I’m excited to share with you.

Trauma is everywhere, even in power exchange. Relationships can be traumatic, and total power exchange is no different. Healing can take years and adversely affect relationships, kink, and sex. When processing trauma, I think it’s important to work through any mistaken beliefs first, and to come to different conclusions about yourself before moving on. I’ve found cognitive behavioural therapy to be helpful in changing those beliefs in myself.

I also didn’t find CBT healed much other than offering me some peace from the harm I was continuing to visit upon myself. When processing through the experience again, I was mindful first not to overwhelm my body with trauma, but rather to fill it with only the portion of the trauma I could safely process at once, using breathing and mindfulness to help anchor myself and control the experience. Those are also skills I learned with a counsellor - a somatic therapist this time.

Finally, I try to put myself in a place that’s beautiful and can stimulate me in an aesthetic way - somewhere that smells nice, sounds nice, and looks nice. Hopefully somewhere that feels transitionary. I picked the seaside village of Steveston, British Columbia, located on Lulu Island, the main body of the city of Richmond.

Jazz Goldman speaks about their journey out of a power exchange that wasn’t meeting their needs, and we talk about the unspoken power dynamics that exist underneath our negotiated ones. The focus was placed on their healing, not on the podcast session, but I’m grateful we captured it for you to experience, here on Intimate Interactions.

What cultural change would improve the health and wellness of your society? Today we chat with Yana about cultural ideas such as retributive or punitive justice - Yana is a criminology researcher after all - and discuss social leadership. When I’m gaming and see anti-social or harmful behaviour from a teenager, what responsibility do I have to intervene or improve the culture?

We ask important questions like: Is it possible to release only non-violent offenders for a temporary indefinite leave of absence where they are under house arrest with relatives if they have somewhere to go? Should we be releasing our non-violent offenders to save them - and us - from COVID-19? How would such a release reduce COVID-19 in the non-incarcerated population? And how would a release like that affect our way of thinking about imprisonment and punitive justice if letting them live under house arrest doesn’t increase crime?

I also incorrectly say that in Manitoba, 98% of girls incarcerated are indigenous. In Saskatchewan, 98% of girls incarcerated are indigenous. In Manitoba it’s 82% of girls and 81% of boys. Keep in mind that the population of Saskatchewan that is indigenous is about 15%. These numbers are less than two years old as I write this and linked in the long episode description.

But let’s hear more about society and criminology from the expert herself, here on Intimate Interactions.

Indigenous stats

https://www.oci-bec.gc.ca/cnt/rpt/annrpt/annrpt20182019-eng.aspx#s5

https://winnipegsun.com/news/provincial/nearly-half-of-youth-incarcerated-are-indigenous-statistics-canada (98% of girls incarcerated in Saskatchewan are indigenous; 92% of boys)

Link for petition

https://cp-ep.org/protectprisoners/ - Petition/List of Demands

This month we’ve focused a lot on two alternating threads in the show: more talking about sex, and more talking about the relationship to oneself. As I try to tackle harder concepts and try recording more outside and in less ideal environments, I’m continuing to experiment with different kinds of show ideas. Let me know what’s working for you and what isn’t by commenting on https://facebook.com/intimatevictor or on twitter @intimatevictor or on instagram at @intimatevictor or by emailing [email protected].

Today we talk about suicidality: what being close to suicide felt like for people who’ve had major depressive disorder and who have lived with depression for a very long time - in my case my whole life. I’ve also lived with suicidal ideation my whole life and think about it in a very granular fashion: am I just thinking about hurting myself? Just about suicide in an unrealistic situation because it helps me get through the day? Thinking about suicide in a semi serious way but with unrealistic means? The caution bulb goes on. Thinking about suicide in a semi serious way with things that are accessible to me? Now the alarms are going off that I have missed my ideal window to intervene and I really need to get help. And then there are serious plans for suicide that one intends to carry out. That’s probably the last stage before actually committing suicide for me.

Fortunately today, I’m not experiencing any suicidal ideation and it has legitimately gotten better; and while no one can guarantee it will get better, it usually does provided you’re working at making it better. Effort to change and time often lead to better places. Of course, it’s rare things improve on their own but occasionally we luck out and they do. Also occasionally something bad just happens that changes our life circumstances and a depressive or suicidal episode gets triggered.

We’ve talked in episode 70 what the experience of depression is like, and in episode 72 about coping methods without meds. Today we’ll talk about suicidality and touch a little bit on mental wellness medications. We’ll be back later to talk more about mental health medications and their side effects though we touch on it briefly at the end of today’s episode. Wherever you are and whatever your struggles are, I hope you find your way to something better. Genuinely, if you’re listening to this, it’s not over yet. From my heart to yours, no matter where you find yourself, there’s always, always a way home.

Best of luck finding less self resentment and more will to continue even by degrees. I honestly believe it’s worth it to keep trying. Please see the show notes for mental health resources.

https://www.cocothelouder.com/coco-resources/

Anal sex is one of my favourite topics because I enjoy giving anal sex, and have recently been attempting to enjoy receiving anal sex with limited success. Jazz Goldman is also a veteran of giving anal sex to others but they have recently become quite successful at enjoying receiving anal sex. We discuss our bodies, our strategies, and our outcomes. If you wanted a high level conversation about the ins and outs of anal sex, this is it.