Intimate Interactions

Mark Hughes returns in this episode, discussing addiction and recovery.

His history of encountering emotional abuse, homelessness, substance use, sexual assault, and prison didn’t stop him doing a twelve step program and getting sober. Faced with different body language as a trauma survivor and different class markers in his speech and expressions, social situations are often alienating for him.

Yet the twelfth step of a sobriety program is helping others. In my opinion, Mark does just that in his day to day life as well as in this episode, giving us an hour of his emotional labour to better understand his perspective on middle class values, what’s behind substance use, and flexible steps to doing the necessary work and healing.

I look forward to sharing with you this raw and intimate session of Intimate Interactions.

Resources:

Pulling the Trigger Podcast (http://www.markhughescomedy.com/podcasts/)

In this episode, Piper, one of my former domestic, kink, and sex partners is back to talk about jealousy. They share lessons of non monogamy that can often benefit everyone including the monogamous. These emotional self-management and interpersonal skills are useful outside of traditionally intimate relationships as well including in work environments, with clients, friends, neighbours, and in many other arenas.

We touch on processing strong feelings, our former intimate partnership, relationship anarchy, boundaries, requests for support, and lots more. We list lots of resources though I only introduce three books after the episode. The rest will be available in the description or at intimatepodcast.com/books.

Hello, Intimates!

In this episode, I interview Piper, a former partner and current relationship anarchist. We focus on what works for each of us and how we make what it work. We also acknowledge what didn’t work.

When the phrase relationship anarchy is brought up, it’s important to mention it means something different to everyone. I usually remind folks that anarchy isn’t about not having rules at all but about not following rules one didn’t participate in creating and agree to follow. Communities come up with what works for them and everyone agrees to whatever social contract they want - however large (think region with laws) or small (think five or six people living on a farmhouse with expectations of chore sharing, etc).

So too with relationship anarchy does it not mean the absence of order but rather a custom relationship structure where all involved people participate in any rules, principles, or values. It is a little more work, but yields a totally custom structure.

I am even friends with monogamous relationship anarchists. Perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself though. I’m excited to share with you this special session of Intimate Interactions.

Today’s introduction is long because we touch on some pretty advanced stuff. Thanks for bearing with me.

Normalizing behaviours is key to getting rid of shame and stigma, the key to promoting intimacy on our own terms. Shame isolates people, and rarely is anyone made more compassionate for others by being shunned or disconnected from society.

When we make distinctions between amazing intense, hot sex and - content warning - nausea inducing, head-spinning traumatic rape - sometimes very similar physical acts might be involved but in very different social containers. This is one of many reasons why an evidence-based, adversarial approach to justice has historically failed survivors. So is the primary difference just consent between those two acts?

If consent is the jump from rape to sexual intercourse and connection is the jump from intercourse to meaningful sex, the same is true for BDSM. Consent is the jump from abuse to BDSM, and connection is the jump from casual hitting to… an indescribable intimacy. Meaningful, connected BDSM to me even when asexual is so much more intimate than connected sex. Let’s talk about two reasons why: One is shame.

Let’s talk sadism. Sadism is the enjoyment of seeing pain suffered; it doesn’t have to be a bad word. As with masochism, these terms aren’t always sexual. Some sadists instead feel a buzz of endorphins called topspace and get naturally high. Others may feel a sense of asexual euphoria. Lord of the Flies references this when Roger leans on the lever to kill Piggy with “a sense of delirious abandonment.” Note: delirious can mean intoxication or “in a wild state of excitement or ecstacy.” Other sadists may get aroused. It might be sexual. Some might only be able to get off when sadism is involved. No matter the motivation, many feel great intimacy showing off a deep need that is so commonly shamed and stigmatized. If you know my secret, you can undo me in my life.

So long as informed, un-coerced, well-negotiated consent between adults stays in place, who are we to judge really? Why do we need to interfere with two happy consenting adults if they don’t ask us to do so? I say let them fantasize about what they want so long as their actions are ethical.

The second topic we’ll be discussing today is consensual exchanges of ownership like marriage. It involves exchanging sexual autonomy where both people agree to have their  partner own their sexual options. It’s even criminally codified, though if the spouse says yes to a guest star, it’s only sort of adultery. All of this made sense before birth control and in part guaranteed rights for children. Modern marriage attempts to be as symmetrical an exchange as possible where both parties trade equal ownership with each other. It’s no wonder old styles of marriage are used as one style of consensual slavery in the BDSM community. 

Finally, intensity and uniqueness are key elements in forming bonds. As a switch and sometimes-bottom myself, I have submitted to pain for someone else - a very asexual thing for me - yet it was a hero’s journey. I got to show myself how strong I am. I got to survive an ordeal. I hugged the human that walked me through knowing myself better, and then I walked away with a more intimate understanding of myself. And of course, intimacy is what it’s all about on Intimate Interactions.

Each person offers a unique set of intimate interactions they want with you.

They may want different kinds of sex, spooning, cuddling, hugging, kissing, or other forms of touch. And/or

They may want varying levels of emotional engagement to meet needs like consolation, celebration, expression, validation, and many more. And/or

They may want to live in close proximity to you by staying over temporarily or moving in - various domestic relationships. And/or

They may be socially interested in coming to family functions or spending holidays with you. And/or

They may want to share child-care duties with you.

There’s no problem using prescribed sets of intimate interactions under traditional labels. There’s also no reason we should have to use them or be shamed for going off script. It’s also okay some people think these labels are all there is.

We can pick and choose what we want from the Smorgasboard of Relationships so long as we’re consenting, informed adults. So why not share our best lives with as many people we want in the ways that make sense to us?

For a discussion of a Need-Based approach to relationships from Nonviolent Communication (NVC) (book - audiobook)  as well as a quick run through of my perspective on some forms of non monogamy, check out my primer on relationships available at:

http://victorsalmon.com/blog/relationships/

Media representations impart behavioural instructions and give us clear information on what is normal and what is abnormal - in short: what we should and shouldn’t do. They’re also a warning of what the consequences are if we show we are different.

If the media doesn’t show minorities at all or worse, shows us only in a negative light, it’s hard to feel like it’s acceptable to be out of the closet at all. If we worry our peers have been warned against us or given misinformation that we are [insert stereotype here], we may feel shame and avoid discussing our identity.

In addition, when there are no good low level positions for a minority at a company - say in the media - there are fewer experienced minorities and then when hiring for high level positions in that industry, management complains the minority talent simply doesn’t exist.

That reaction defends a broken system and blames minorities rather than focusing on the heart of the problem and asking what solutions we can offer.

One solution might be to include more low level positions or roles, a sort of Trickle Up effect. Low level professional roles lead to experience and produce high level performers when minorities are given a chance. Much of this in media comes down to authentic writing (writing either from one’s own experience or from a very well researched, consulted, and understood experience of another); and having a diverse group of writers or authors working on creative projects gives a project the best chance to represent diverse views and catch inaccurate or degrading stereotypes.

Links

Bias on OKC

https://theblog.okcupid.com/race-and-attraction-2009-2014-107dcbb4f060

Star Wars: A New Hope (Script)

http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Star-Wars-A-New-Hope.html

Are There Too Many Women In Star Wars (data)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkWQA_HB7Bw

Stephanie Si is back to talk about asexuals and/or demisexuals like herself who masturbate and who find creative ways to have sex outside of the kind where a penis goes in any of the 3 major orifices. She calls it her “no 3 holes” policy.

We briefly talk about Racism and the criminal system as well as the idea of sexual consent and the #metoo movement.

We also talk about forms of ASMR like roleplays of boyfriend, husband, or sex; and forms of ASMR that perform a function like fall asleep, destress, or love and comfort.

I’m super interested in making ASMR content, so let me know if you have any requests. You can reach me at [email protected]. As always, if you like the show, tell a friend or write us a review to help other sex and relationship nerds find us.

Stephanie’s Blog is http://thewhorelyvirgin.com. Stephanie also has a Youtube Channel called The Whorely Virgin. Here’s an example of her Slutty Sunday content.

The author, podcaster, and blogger Kat Stark is back for another session. We talk about bisexuality, queerness, pegging, the fear of not being queer enough, heteromantic queer orientations, queer sex, being genderqueer and having a complicated wardrobe; and we touch on BDSM bottoming and service bottoming. You can find Kat Stark at https://onthewetcoast.com and their book “Yelling in Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut.”

In Emma’s first two years being kinky, she’s learned a lot. We’ll talk about what she gets out of exploring submission, how service serves her, how she’s learned about this lifestyle, and what she’s currently still learning about. We also talk briefly about rape culture so that’s your content warning.

 Kris is a friend who describes herself as "an acquired taste who talks a lot" and who I’d describe as a psychedelic taking, van dwelling, wreck beach nudist since 14, free spirit hippie - oh yes, and she describes herself as “insanely polyamorous." While polyamory is about multiple loves rather than sex partners, some folks find it empowering as a term holding sex positive space for sluts, which it also is.

The last time I spoke in person with Kris, we were in grade 6 together at Port Guichon Elementary School, which I remember as a bit of a hell hole with a couple of shining examples of excellent teachers and a principle who seemed to have it out for me. She was vice principle of the school where someone pulled a knife on me and her idea of discipline was to take the student’s knife away. When I moved, she was promoted unfortunately to principle of the new elementary school I attended where she supported Racist bullies who verbally and physically attacked me in and outside of school. Despite this, no disciplinary action was ever taken that I was made aware.

In any case, Kris joins me now to talk catch up. She talks about life after her soulmate (Connor) died, her plant medicine journey in Brazil with ayahuasca, a powerful psychedelic, and we touch on suicidal ideation. With how much she likes sex, I thought it interesting to ask about her favourite and least favourite parts of sex and relationship.

Remember to tell your friends if you like the podcast and feel free to write a review if you really liked an episode to help other geeks find us. Let me know if you prefer the intros that sound scripted versus the intros that sound off the cuff. You can email [email protected]

Thanks! Enjoy the session!

1. How did you first discover you liked sex?

2. What do you like best about relationships?

3. What do you like least about relationships?

4. What do you like best about sex?

5. What do you like least about sex?