Irkutsk Ice Truckers is proud to be the official distributor for a new podcast produced by the Cistercians of the Strictest Observance (Trappist) monks of Our Lady of Bethlehem Abbey in Atqasuk, Alaska.

Featuring lively discussions between Abbot Louis, their prior, Brother Athanasius, and featured guests, the podcast, The Sound of Silence, will focus on all aspects of the Cistercian spirituality, the Trappists’ life, what it’s like inside their monastery in upper Alaska above the Arctic Circle, as well as discussion from the Trappist perspective about political and cultural issues in today’s world.

It was a hard fight for Irkutsk Ice Truckers to acquire the distribution rights to such a unique and unexpected thing as a Trappist podcast, as Trappists are known for their silence and reclusiveness and don’t usually engage with the outside world. When the news first broke that a few Trappists might be willing to change that, Pelican+ put in a large bid, as did the DailyWire, with our competitor Herod’s Herald also reportedly having tried to acquire the rights to the podcast as well.

However, with IIT’s preexisting connections (and infiltration of) various Catholic religious orders, we were able to pull enough strings to get the rights to this exclusive look inside the silence and mystery of the Trappists.

The first episode, a meditative and reflective conversation between Abbot Louis, known for being silent and reflective, and Brother Athanasius, similarly renowned, featured a lively yet reflective discussion on what it means to properly reflect on reflecting on the nature of reflective silence.

We enjoyed listening to, recording, and editing this incredible conversation by the Trappists, filled with meditative pauses to help listeners meditate on the incredible message the monks are sharing with the world through their new endeavor, and we’re sure you will to. Listen to the first episode now, exclusively on Irkutsk Ice Truckers, and expect new episodes every week.

Please note that there are large pauses and large areas of silence in the discussion due to the Trappist vows of silence.

Actually, there might not be any words in the whole discussion at all, come to think of it.

GIA Publications, maker of the infamous Gather hymnal, excitedly released a hymn today that they are sure will bring them business from Catholic rad-trads, a translation of all-time Marty Haugen favorite “All Are Welcome” into Latin.

GIA, a “Catholic Inc” organization that isn’t even Catholic but which has a stranglehold, along with OCP Press, on music in most Catholic parishes, has been worried for a while that its monopoly won’t do itmuch good in the future, given that all of Catholicism’s growth is focused on parishes and communities around the Traditional Latin Mass. GIA publishes little music that works with the TLM, but has been scrambling in their musical laboratories and archeological digs for some time to come up with a solution that will help them retain their dominance in the market for Catholic music.

Enter their solution: translating the very best of Novus Ordo hymnography into LATIN and then getting the USCCB to mandate that it be used in TLMs because it’s in LATIN!

“We’re sure that they’ll buy it up,” said Arthur McGrath, CEO of GIA Publications. “Surely those TLM people only go there for the Latin, so we can obviously take over the market for their music by giving them the New Pentecost bangers of community, fraternity, liberty, equality, and socialism that will replace their rugged individualism of traditionalism with the warmth of collectivism and modernism. And, of course, if they refuse to buy it, we’ll just make it mandatory that they buy it. Easy money right there, which is exactly why I’m CEO of the biggest corporation in Catholic Inc.”

Several months ago GIA archeologists found an ancient, mysterious circular disk (an ancient Roman record recording!) which proved that Marty Haugen’s “Gather Us In” was actually “Congrega Nos”, an early 3rd century composition by St. Hippolytus but they’ve since been hard at work translating other songs into Latin, in order to have a complete TLM-oriented hymnal ready in the coming year for bishops to mandate to be used at all TLMs.

Marty Haugen’s “All Are Welcome” is the first one they’ve finished translating into it’s Latin version, “Omnes Grati”, but they’re also hard at work on “Fac Differntiam” (Go Make A Difference), “Dominus Saltationis” (Lord of the Dance) and others, “sure to warm,” McGrath says, “even the hardest of trad hearts and get them ready to join in the continued glories of Vatican II.”

“Vatican II did everything right. It just hasn’t been implemented fully yet. We need more guitar Masses, more music like this, and, obviously, more bubbles, banners, and balloons (and clowns),” commented Cardinal Arnold Robelche of the Vatican dicastery for the liturgy. “This great new endeavor by GIA Publications will help ensure that the Spirit of Vatican II has a chance to reach even the most hardcore of traditionalists.”

Lyrics

Here is the full text of the Latin version of “All Are Welcome”, or “Omnes Grati”:

Frabricemus domum amoriEt omnes habitantoLocus sanctis relātū discendī cordium

Fabricatus sperum et somniumSaxum fidei crypta gratiaeAmor Christi finite partesOmnes grati, omnes gratiOmnes grati, in hoc loco

Frabricemus domum prophetisEt verbis verissimisLiberi audent quarereRegnum somnire rursus

Hic crux stababit cognitorEt symbolum gratiaeHic ut unum procreamus fidemOmnes grati, omnes gratiOmnes grati, in hoc loco

Fabricemus domum amoriAqua vino frumentoConvivium in terra sanctaEt paci et justitiae

Hic amor Dei per JesumMonstratur in tempore Dum cena Christi liberat nosOmnes grati, omnes gratiOmnes grati, in hoc loco

Fabricemus domum extendoManus post ligneum saxisSanare, servare, docereEt vivere Verbum

Hic exsul et alienus Monstrant imaginem DeiDesinemus timori et periculoOmnes grati, omnes grati Omnes grati, in hoc loco

Fabricemus domum nominatibusCantici auditi suntAmati docti postulatiqueSicut verba intra Verbum

Facti lacrimis risisqueOrationes et cantici Praedicat pavimento ad tectumOmnes grati, omnes grati (omnes grati)Omnes grati, in hoc loco

Omnes grati, omnes grati (omnes grati)Omnes grati, in hoc loco

PLEASE PARDON THE BAD LATIN GRAMMAR. It’s hard to make Latin’s greater number of syllables fit metrically into the same recording.

Here’s Haugen’s original if you haven’t yet avoided experiencing the cringe in English:

And if you want to hear solely me singing (as I didn’t get my singing fully aligned with the music track, here’s me singing “Omnes Grati” below without accompaniment:

See our translation of “Gather Us In” into “Congrega Nos” here:

Which song should we (err, I mean, GIA Publications) translate next? Let us know below!

The Discovery

Historians and archeologists focused on the early Church have made a shocking discovery, announced today.

Deep in the catacombs of Rome, an ancient, mysterious circular disk was discovered that turned out to be—get this!—an ancient Roman record recording of a Church song that all of us thought was composed recently after Vatican II by “Marty Haugen.”

It turns out, the historian (and IIT correspondent AND former or maybe current FBI agent) Andrew Parker tells us, who just so happens to be employed by Catholic Inc., GIA Publications, and OCP Press, that the song “Gather Us In” actually was an early 3rd century composition by St. Hippolytus and isn’t a cringe leftover from the revolutionary 70s but is actually highly traditional.

Entitled “Congrega Nos” in its original Latin, IIT managed to obtain an exclusive computer-repaired version of the ancient Roman record of the song in its original Latin, which appears to conveniently confirm every Vatican II era belief about “resourcement” and how the early Church celebrated the liturgy.

“Vatican II did everything right. It just hasn’t been implemented fully yet. We need more guitar Masses, more music like this, and, obviously, more bubbles, banners, and balloons (and clowns),” commented Cardinal Arnold Robelche of the Vatican dicastery for the liturgy. “This discovery proves that everything we, with help from our friends at GIA publications, have been trying to do to the liturgy for 60 years just needs to be tried even harder.”

Apparently, if the apparent baby voice of the singer on the track is any hint, they had babies as cantors back in the 3rd century Church, which is making many people on the cutting edge of synodality propose that maybe we need to introduce that into the modern liturgy.

Controversy

Traditionalists are questioning the authenticity of the recording, including questioning the idea that ancient Rome had record players, but Fr. Martin James S.J. told IIT that “those backward trads just aren’t living in the spirit. If we look hard enough, we’ll find that the early Church sang all the great hymns from ‘All Are Welcome’ to even the Dan Schutte ‘Gloria.’”

Cardinal Tagle, for one, can’t wait to add the new song to his repertoire, and further boost his credentials as a trad-icon:

The USCCB is already planning to mandate that the Latin version of the song be sung at every Mass (including every Latin Mass under their jurisdiction) this coming Sunday.

Thanks for reading Irkutsk Ice Truckers! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

“See, I love tradition,” said Bishop Melvin of Charlotte, NC. “Trads should love me.”

Lyrics

Here is our transcription of the song “Congrega Nos”, which it appears merely to have been rediscovered and translated by Marty Haugen in the 1970s.

Lumen profluit Hic in hoc loco, Nunc tenebrae evanescereIn hac cella timores nostrasDuctum hic tibi in luce die

Congrega nos, illi perditiCongrega nos, caeci illiAdvoca nos nunc, exsurgemusExcitemus in illo sono

Sumus iuvenes, mysteriaSumus veti, desideratiCantati sumus per saeculaVocati lumen populis

Congrega nos, dives et superbi —Congrega nos, elati et fortesDa nos cor illa humilis estDa nos virtutem intrare cantem

Hic accipemus vinum aquamqueHic accipemus panem novam…Hic vocabis filii et filiaeVoca nos saltem esse ad terram

Permitta nos bibere vinumPermitta nos edere panem tuiNutri nos bene et doce nosUt faciamus vitas sanctas

Non in tenebrosis basiumNon in caelo longinquē adestSed hic in hoc lumen profluitNunc regnum est, nunc dies est illa

Congrega nos, et tene aeternumCongrega nos, et faci tui Congrega nos, omnia unaIgnis amoris in caro ossaqueIgnis amoris in caro ossaque

PLEASE PARDON THE BAD LATIN GRAMMAR. It’s hard to make Latin’s greater number of syllables fit metrically into the same recording.

AND SOMEHOW WE MADE THE THEOLOGY EVEN WORSE!

Here’s Haugen’s original if you haven’t yet avoided experiencing the cringe in English:

And if you want another (non-baby) voice recording of the track, here’s an alternative version with the original (my) voice:

Which song should we translate (err, try to discover) next?

James R. Green covers for me tonight with the top IIT News story of the week (and month), the leaked list of demands made by the SSPX to the Vatican as part of their ongoing negotiation process.

We covered it here in written form, but James, filling in for me, gives his thoughts on the provocative list in video form here. Or here’s the Rumble link if you prefer that.

The written version:

Find more SSPX coverage here.

For serious thoughts on the Society, Vatican II, and a lot more, I’ve laid out my basic narrative here with a lot more to come on my parallel site over the coming months and years:

Censored:

Listen now | Lex Fridman interviews a very special and unique guest

SATIRE: The video does not show Tagle appearing in American Idol, only him singing a “modified” version of “Imagine” in front of some other large audience while he is not dressed as a cardinal, bishop, or priest. We have concerns about Tagle, and hope the Church picks someone else, but I hope you don’t find this video parody too disrespectful, only informative and funny.

Cardinal Luis Tagle, the Archbishop of Manila and widely suspected to be a papabile, or likely candidate to be elected Pope, has come under fire lately for his appearance on American Idol where he shocked audiences with his rendition of John Lennon’s “Imagine” that has Catholic sites like Life Site News attempting to warn the faithful about his habits and attitudes.

While many people are focusing, rightfully, on the seeming cringiness of the video, it;s only one of many videos of what was apparently large-scale and successful singing and dancing career by the Cardinal Archbishop of Manila in the Philippines, as this unpublished video that IIT managed to acquire from the sedevacantist Dimond brothers of Most Holy Family Monastery demonstrates.

We disagree, of course, with the permanent sedevacantism of the Dimond brothers, even though we admit a temporary sedevacantism right now, but the warning video provided by them is relevant to the thoughts, concerns, and fears of the faithful right now.

Irkutsk Ice Truckers does not officially endorse candidates for the Papacy, although Everett Polinski has sponsored this article with an endorsement of Cardinal Robert Sarah, whom we all hope and pray will be the choice of the Cardinal fathers at the coming conclave.

Cardinal Tagle has denied reports that he’s been trying to “audition” for the papacy by his life of singing and dancing appearances, and only went on “American Idol” because he “wanted to be charitable.”

The Dimond brothers are at last report, only bothered by Cardinal Tagle because they wish they had as many chances to appear and sing in front of crowds as he did.

We have attempted to find videos of Cardinal Tagle not singing or dancing exuberantly, but failed to do so at press time.

“Another guest post this week: I hope you enjoy it! Queue up the conspiracies that I got lost in the mountains again.” — Everett Polinski

Note: I am misspelling things here on purpose here for a reason.

This is an audio/video version of this article about the sedevacantists at -Vat-ican-Cath0lic.-com and their list of questions you need to ask a priest before attending a Mass. Well actually, since the Russian KGB agents who fund our operation didn't pay this week, the video doesn’t actually have a video of them talking, only Mlchael’s voice and their faces. By the way, why is there no picture of Mlchael less than 25 years old anyway?

But enjoy it anyway, and pray for the conversion of the D1mond's and their followers whom I've tried mostly unsuccessfully, to debate

Legal Notice:

This IS A PARODY. Brother Michae1 did not say these words as they are arranged here, but only in other orders in his videos.

Show audio taken from various videos on vaticancatholic.com by Brother Peter D1mond and Brother Michael D1mond (assuming he is still at the monastery) compiled together with advanced supercomputer processing from the bot farms that IIT uses on loan from the Russian government.

Our bot farms are more powerful than the D¹mond’s bot farms by the way…

Unless otherwise specified, the articles and files on this website are written by Bro. Michael D1mond and Bro. Peter D1mond. They are the intellectual product of Bro. Michael D1mond, Bro. Peter D1mond or both. They belong to MostHoly Fami1y Monastery. We grant permission for them to be copied and spread, but the website vaticancatho11c.com and name of author must be given. All rights reserved.

To join the Catholic Church that they attack and are not a part of, just find a Catholic Church.

Refutation of the D1mond brothers and their “monastery”:

Thanks to Deuterocomical over on YouTube for all the help in responding to these groups and for making hilarious videos that inspired me to try this.

He has been banned from visiting their “monastery” due to this video exposing the flaws in one of the D1mond’s many hundreds of hours of content.

See Deuterocomical and Christian Wagner’s (of Scholastic Answers) new video responding to the Diamonds recent video claiming that they personally (or maybe Trump and Elon? It’s a little unclear) are the two witnesses in the book of Revelation here:

I was proud to help them a little with their research, especially the theory that something has happened to Michael D¹mond.

Seriously, why are there no pictures less than twenty-five old of Michael?

Where is Michael?

More seriously, just pray for them.

We’ve suddenly found ourselves at 100 Substack subscribers and thousands of monthly readers, so it’s finally time to introduce and explain ourselves.

What is Irkutsk Ice Truckers, and who is Everett Polinski?

In this conversation, James Green and Everett Polinski tell the backstory of Irkutsk Ice Truckers, how it started, what it is, what it has become today, and where we might be going in the future.

Timestamps:

0:00 Introduction1:11 The fake email sent from my account5:15 Prank them back10:00 Using the website now that I had it13:53 Creating the backstory for Everett16:26 WCCLEpedia the WCC Encyclopedia21:37 Pulling back and stopping the first time23:36 Coming back, the first time24:35 Stopping again26:09 The latest comeback28:20 IIT today30:45 Religious vocation and the future32:09 Serious articles at GrainOfWheat.Substack.com33:20 Closing thoughts

Listen to the audio above (or download) or watch the video version here:

Thanks for reading Irkutsk Ice Truckers! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Irkutsk Ice Truckers is your trusted Catholic "news" source on all Church, political, and other affairs of note. WARNING: This website may contain fake news and is produced in a facility that also processes deceptive titles, imaginary quotes, and imaginary people.

Visit irkutskice.substack.com for all of our satire articles and to sign up to receive them in your inbox.

Interested in serious thoughts and articles? Check out Grain of Wheat for thoughts on mimesis, theology, and politics at grainofwheat.substack.com

I also just published an “About Us” for Grain of Wheat. Check out that article here:

Find us on X at x.com/jamesgreenWY for James and x.com/EverettPolinski for Everett Polinski.

P.S. Here are some of our best-ever satire pieces to check out if you’re new to IIT:

The US Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) just released an emergency hymn to be sung at all Novus Ordo Masses this weekend. Composed by Marty Haugen and based on an old hymn from the labor movement a century ago “Which Side Are You On”, the hymn, according to USCCB spokesman Bishop Sam Brown, “reminds us all of the fact that we need to resist the Department of Government Efficiency with all our karma, body, and soul.”

“Obviously, the administration is fascist and anti-synodal. Obviously, they’re all hateful bigots. And most importantly, D.O.G.E., Trump, Musk, and Vance are hurting our USCCB funding and our critical progressive advocacy work. We at the USCCB feel threatened by the new administration as it hurts our critical work trafficking transexual migrants across borders, so we’re releasing Marty’s great hymn today and asking every parish and faith community to sing it tomorrow.”

“Don’t worry if it sounds rushed or bad, it’s all we could come up with before our USAID funding dried up,” Brown added. “We would’ve added a bridge and a better refrain but we could only afford to pay Marty Haugen $100,000 and couldn’t splurge on Michael Jonas or David Haas. Maybe. once we’ve finally beaten Trump, we’ll be able to go back to full hymns like you’re used to, but for now this is what we came up with.”

“Sing it tomorrow or you ain’t synodal!”

In other news, according to Bishop Sam Brown, they have come up with a solution to fighting Trump’s tariffs on the Novus Ordo and related imports of theological liberalism into the United States:

Never fear my sisters,

China has reportedly offered to mass produce Novus Ordo missals and smuggle their individual pages into Mexico where the cartels will fire the pieces over the border with trebuchets and the USCCB will harness the transformative power of local transgender youth within each parish to reassemble these much-needed essential goods.

The USCCB will pay for this difficult process by selling, you're reading this right, indulgences against crimes against synodality. It worked before. What could go wrong?

I am with you in synodality forever and ever that will be in perfect inclusive exclusivity, unburdened by what has been, Amen.

Bishop Sam BrownDirector of the USCCBBishop of the Diocese of Virginia Beach

This is a parody, obviously.

Video from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85s7jE4sKiw&t=3s

Sound from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM9G5x32s64

Audio version of the Irkutsk Ice Truckers post: "Diocese Banishes Latin Mass to Undersea Cave Accessible Only by Scuba Gear" available on irkutskice.substack.com

Audio was produced by an AI clone of Dr. Kwasniewski's voice, and is not officially endorsed by him.

Virginia Beach, VA - Bishop Sam Brown of the Diocese of Virginia Beach placed new restrictions on the celebration of the Traditional Latin Mass within his diocese today. While it will be allowed to continue once a week for now at one location within his diocese, as Bishop Brown commented on the diocese’s website today, it will be moved from its current location in a gym in the most rural part of his diocese: “I will extend the courtesy of allowing the celebration of the Extraordinary Form for one more year, it will only be allowed in one location each Sunday, in an undersea cave off of the Atlantic coast accessible only by scuba gear.

“It’s only two hundred feet underwater, a very very generously easy location to swim to, and while the priest and all attendees will have to wear scuba gear to attend the TLM, Traditionalists should be thankful that we didn’t decide to put the diocesan-approved Latin Mass at the bottom of the Marianas Trench,” Bishop Brown added. “We’re being very generous here, and I want to be clear that I want no complaints about this location. Ok?”

Traditionalist Catholics are mixed about the Bishop’s announcement. While most are glad that Bishop Brown, known for his close friendship with leftist German Cardinal Gunter Schuster, is still allowing the Latin Mass within his diocese, some have “concerns” over the practicality of them bringing their families to the new weekly Latin Mass. “I can’t buy scuba gear for my six-month-old baby,” said one concerned father of fifteen whom IIT interviewed from Newport News, VA (he asked us to keep his name anonymous).

Others wonder how they will be able to receive Holy Communion underwater, or whether an undersea water-filled chapel is an appropriate place to have Mass in the first place. However, Bishop Brown adds that “putting the Latin Mass a little bit away from the center of attention is our goal of putting Traditionis Custodes into practice. We obviously can’t put in a regular church. That could cause dangerous levels of tradition and perhaps even veiling that I obviously can’t permit my progressive diocese to have within its rainbow-gilded boundaries.”

Bishop Brown is reportedly considering releasing sharks next to the location to ensure that the Latin Mass “isn’t too popularly attended.”

“We might even move it to the bottom of a coal mine a mile underground or the wings of a plane flying at 500 MPH and 35,000 feet above Virginia,” he added. “Who knows where the Spirit will lead us next year?”