Anxiety attacks are not something we ever want to see our kids suffer through, especially if as parents we suffer them as well. In her second session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores panic attacks and how they might differ from parent and child. The session also takes a turn towards the idea of “having the last word,” and what negative things are being reinforced when you continue to have this power struggle with your child. 

Time Stamps

• 4:58 How panic attacks affect the whole family in different and unique ways
  • Symptoms of panic attacks in a child vs parent
  • The hangover of the panic attack
  • The role of a person whose partner is suffering a panic attack
• 10:22 The difference between guilt and shame
• 12:23 Feelings come and feelings go 
• 13:13 Definition of panic attack.
• 15:18 Self talk skills help you when having a panic attack. Use these phrases:
  • “I am safe. I am capable.”
  • “Feelings come and feelings go”  “This too shall pass”
• 17:00 Understand the cause of panic attacks 
• 17:13 Develop skills before during and after panic attacks 
• 19:23 Sympathetic versus parasympathetic nervous system 
• 20:48 T.I.P.P.Skills to use to calm down the nervous system: 
  • The divers reflex Skill
  • Intense exercise Skill
  • Paced breathing Skill
• 27:35 Finding the middle path between acceptance and change —
• 28:45 When parents practice doing less as an antidote to overparenting
• 32:12 Kids and parents who want the last word - a power struggle
• 32:20 Discuss the skills you are using with your child and even with the school so everyone is on the same page
• 35:00 When having the last word works
• 36:22 Why parents engage in the power struggle of wanting the last word
• 38:12 Have faith that what you say “registers somewhere”
• 39:30 Parents have to remember that you don’t have to prove your own sense of personal authority without getting the last word
• 40:10 Reframing where the control lies. You want to have control over your own emotions
• 40:38 Overparenting is a strategy when parents are being controlled by their fears

Show Note Links:

NIH Research Article on Panic Disorder and Best Practices

TIPP Skills including a Video of Divers reflex skill

Leslie Demonstrates How to use the Diver Reflex Skill on Video

New York Times Article about Inside Out 2

Leslie-ism: When you feel panic coming on, tell yourself, “I am safe and I am capable”.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and 

Sometimes parenting is so hard and exhausting, it doesn't feel worth it. In today’s session, Pedro and Claudia explain how much energy and effort they have spent trying to raise their 16 yr old teenage son Liam who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  While supportive, Pedro and Claudia are met with resistance at every turn, and have yet to see results from their parenting. Is that an assumption or is that really true?  In this episode, Leslie checks the facts, unpacks the fear and frustration, and addresses these issues with an upbeat and hopeful shift in perspective as well as practical strategies to try.

Time Stamps

4:35 What is your definition of being a good parent - getting the results from your child

5:09 Growing up with the culture of the “village” when raising a child and the support that comes with that

7:15 Feeling isolated when friends have neurotypical kids and you have a neurodivergent kid

8:45 Myths or limiting beliefs: We don’t want to burden other people with our problems

14:05 It’s more challenging dealing with a teen with diagnoses than with a toddler with diagnoses

16:00 Remember to see your child’s strengths in order to get a whole picture

16:55 Wanting your child to achieve their potential can be a great deal of pressure for both parents and teens 

21:00 Raising your child with Values creates a solid foundation

21:30 The frustration and fear of raising the teenager when you are getting the results you expect

28:58  Fear impacts your parenting mindset and perspective.  Where would you be without the expectations? Fear feeds frustration which feeds feeling like a failure

29:50 What behaviors are due to his diagnoses vs what’s developmental and age appropriate (see show notes for a handout)

31:00 Toddlers and teenagers have a lot in common.  Learning to individuate and differentiate from their parents.  This is when they practice saying NO to use their voice

32:25 The value of empathy that is expressed even after the situation 

33:08 Give your child the problem and let them solve it rather than telling your child what to do. Teach your child to find a synthesis when problem solving

38:30 The quality of being strong-willed and the behavior of getting the last word - relates to the child who has a single track mind

40:00 Save your Breath and listen twice as much as you talk

41:50 Turn the volume down on your passion for raising your son

42:55 Your parenting effort IS working. Have faith in the process. It takes patience

44:45 Finding your “Passion” or living to your “potential” are dirty words because they put pressure on you and your child

Resources:  

• Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
• Poem On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Leslie-ism: Save your breath when parenting, listen twice as much as you talk

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, 

“How can my child be a rule follower if they always say no to the family rules?” Leslie often catches parents off guard by suggesting that their child may actually be a rule follower. In this episode, Leslie has a conversation with her daughter Dale about what it’s like to grow up as a rule follower. In this episode Leslie and Dale explore the many traits that are often associated with the rule-following child such as perfectionism and intense focus on fairness. Assessing whether you or your child is a rule-follower may not be so obvious but may be critically important to understanding their behavior and ways of thinking. This conversation pulls back the curtain on what really goes on in the mind of the rule-following child.

Time Stamps

• 2:40 The importance of knowing your child and knowing what it means to be a rule follower
• 3:37 What “rule-followers” get out of following the rules
• 10:07 Being careful not to reinforce the child’s need to do everything perfectly
• 10:36 Helping your children practice being uncomfortable
• 17:56 The need for flexible thinking
• 26:12 Keep an eye out for when a child has an obsession with fairness
• 29:12 Advice for parents who have children who are rigid rule followers

Show Note Links:

• Free virtual Q&A with Leslie August 21st, 8 PM EST
• “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol Dweck

Leslie-ism: Flexible thinking takes practice.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

It’s no secret that parenting is a challenge. We want our children to be happy, and it can be difficult to see them upset or hurting. Leslie has been working through this with Hannah and Alex, parents of three year old Paxton, who’ve returned for their third and final session. Together they reinforce the changes they’ve already implemented with Paxton, like correcting habits and communicating clearly. Leslie also shows them how they’re setting Paxton up for success now when it comes to very adult things like handling disappointment and pain. Hannah and Alex have also begun communicating their emotions more clearly, adopting the “emotion mind” language with each other, which in turn helps model it for Paxton. 

Time Stamps

• 5:30 Using Logic with someone in Emotion Mind usually doesn’t work (at any age)
• 6:20 Address issues, validate feelings, and move on (without bringing it up over and over)
• 7:03 Extinction burst - why behaviors tend to get worse before they get better
• 8:33 Teach kids early that they can handle disappointment
• 10:54 How to reinforce manners without giving in every time a child asks for something “nicely”
• 15:30 Life can be hard when you are a rule follower
• 20:04 Short-term gratification can cause children to always want more, more, more
• 20:38 Practice delayed gratification 
• Even if you don’t get the short-term results you want keep exposing your child to new foods and new activities
• 24:25 Practice communicating with your partner about being in emotion-mind
• 31:01 To promote flexible thinking and Dialectic thinking use “and” instead of “but”
• 37:34 You can’t protect your child from the pains of life, and the greatest gift you can give them is the ability to know that they can handle that pain
• 39:03 Review an event in the past is for the purpose of learning, not for re-experiencing.  Ask something like  “what do you think would work for you next time?”

Show Note Links

Three States of Mind

Reacting vs Responding

Youtube channel videos on Behaviorism

• How to increase wanted behaviors 
• How to shape behaviors
• How to decrease unwanted behaviors

Leslie-ism: When your urge is to react, take a pause and then choose to respond. 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

There are many reasons why children feel uncomfortable. And when your child is uncomfortable you as the parent often feel uncomfortable. This week we’re back with Hannah and Alex for their second session, who have come to Leslie about their three year old son Paxton. These parents are vulnerable with Leslie when they speak about how hard it is for them to say no to Paxton when he wants something. They also admit that they regret some of the parenting choices they’ve made with Paxton, and fear that they are responsible for some of their son’s habits. Hindsight is hindsight. The focus of the session is about figuring out what to do now in the present time. But these parents are committed to growing and changing and Leslie is there for them every step of the way.

Time Stamps

• 3:24 Parents feel amazing when they do the hard work of taking technology out of the bedtime routine
• 7:40 Remember to reintroduce skills or foods or ideas at a later time
• 8:10 Commitment is necessary to  make change - and it provides the motivation
• 9:17 Creativity is great when it comes to food issues : how you serve it, when you serve it, what you serve, where you serve it
• 11:58 Dialectic perspective - honor and respect your partner’s perspective 
• 13:55 Giving in to the short term relief at the expense of long term gains. Especially when our children are struggling 
• 18:40 Parents can always look back and say, “I should have done it differently,” but parents shouldn’t shame themselves when they are doing the best they can with the skills they had at the time.
• 25:13 How should we as parents engage with our child’s big emotions; be careful to acknowledge without reinforcing it
• 26:43 When do we transition kids from distracting from big emotions to acknowledging big emotions
  • Teach your child that feelings are valid 
  • Distraction is one option (you can revisit the emotion later)
  • Validate the feelings, do nothing to fix it, and move on
• 29:40 Separate your feelings from you child’s emotions
• 33:57 When children have “comfort” habits like picking their parents’ fingernails
• 39:10 You can be emotionally connected with your child without being physically connected

Show Note Link

Leslie's Blog writing on The Dilemma of the Chinese Finger Trap


Leslie-ism: Take a moment to look at the ways you both physically and emotionally connect with your child.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Parenting is often counterintuitive and makes the job of parenting even more complex. Whether it's saying no to your child using technology or saying goodbye to your child, understanding the short term and the long term benefits and consequences is important. This is just one of the topics we explore in this episode with Hannah and Alex and their 3 year old son Paxton. The struggles of being parents of a toddler, the hindsight of seeing what they may have done that has made things worse and the desire to raise an emotionally intelligent child are some of the other issues that they work on with Leslie.  The practical tools as well as understanding concepts from Dialectic Behavior Therapy are useful to parents with children of any age.

Time Stamps

• 6:55 Noticing if you or your child is very literal or detail oriented.  This helps you understand the way your brain works
• 8:36 Being a first time parent often means stepping into the unknown and not knowing what to expect.
• 10:55 A broader perspective: is something going on in the environment that needs to be changed, is my child responding in a way that reflects who they are, or is my child’s behavior a problem that needs attention?
• 12:45 Parenting is often counterintuitive
• 13:10 Helping children feel safe in the world - how to give them that message
• 14:50 Avoiding the cue that sets off the “pain” for your child is not teaching them that they can handle life. Give them a step by step approach for helping your child deal with the “pain” of a situation
• 15:55 Parents don’t want to see their children unhappy
• 16:40 He can handle more than you think, you can handle more than you think
• 17:45 The short term relief vs the long term benefits - understanding the consequences of the short term relief
• 21:22 Picky eaters need to be accepted and at the same time, parents can shape their child’s behavior with exposure to new foods (see behaviorism video in show notes)
• 23:45 When parents have challenges growing up it makes them vulnerable to coping with their child’s feelings
• 26:39 Changing the bedtime routine - from technology for hours to books and lullabys
• 27:55 Behaviorism - What happens when a parent gives the child what they want after emotions escalate
• 30:00 Parents can name when they are in emotion mind so they can model it for their child
• 31:51 Description of the three states of mind
• 35:24 Use specificity and details if you want make behavioral changes

Resources:  

• Leslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MInd
• Child Mind Institute’s Research Article on The Importance of Reading to your Children 
• PBS Article on Why Reading Aloud to Kids Helps them Thrive

Leslie-ism: Both you and your child can handle more than you think.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Coop

Sometimes when parenting a child that is struggling, tensions arise between the parents. This especially goes for parents with different parenting styles, or those with different levels of experience with young children. This is what Leslie gets into on this week’s episode with Louise and George. In her third and final session with the parents of six-year-old Anna and a newborn baby, Leslie uncovers the vulnerabilities of parents who want to break away from the way they were parented and feel like they want to do better when dealing with their daughter who has intense emotions. This session is a raw look at what it means to make mistakes as a parent and we invite you to listen with compassion and openness.

Time Stamps

• 3:30 How to use the T-graph with your child
• 6:39 Unpacking what it means to be an equitable parent vs being a “secondary” o or “trainee” parent 
• 8:35 A dialectic approach to holding both concepts together: being equitable and being a trainee
• 10:50 Making the goal of parenting a process of lifelong learning as your priority
• 11:24 Concepts of worthiness, learning, levels of contribution
• 15:50  How to give feedback to your partner 
  • I have an idea that might work for you  
  • Is there something I can do to help out here
  • Set the stage -  I respect that you are doing the best you can
• 18:39 Dealing with timely matters and feeling the pressure of time: getting to bed, getting out of the house
• 20:27 Celebrating differences in parents so children learn about tolerance and have a chance to learn from each parent
• 22:56 Your child is going to help you learn as well
• 26:00 Golden nuggets from Leslie
  • The qualities that drive you nuts now are going to be positive attributes later
  • The idea that the quality of your child is a reflection of you is a LOT of pressure
  • Focusing on the process rather than the outcome of parenting
• 28:10 Children may only show their big reactions at home and not in public
• 29:30 Being the “trainee parent” doesn’t really exist; we’re all trainees. Have faith in the process
• 36:06 The cost of aggressive anger in a parent and how to be responsible for it
• 38:30  The Three Step Apology 
  • State what you did
  • state how you it affected the child and yourself
  • Make an amends: talk about what you will do differently next time
• 40:45 Power struggles with your child
• 41:40 Children help us see what need to work on and we are all parents in training

Resources:  

• Leslie’s Blog Posting The Three Step Apology
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Focus on the process of parenting, not just the outcome.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubur

Louise and George have committed to parenting without force and want to parent without punishments or rewards, but what happens when their six year old Anna has what feels like never-ending tantrums? In her second session with them, Leslie reinforces the importance of connection, and sheds light on the pressures Anna may be putting on herself. Leslie also continues her conversation with George about helping him find joy in parenting. In an incredibly honest and vulnerable conversation, they talk about what it feels like when there’s a favored parent, what might be causing this behavior, and what Dad should do to change that.

Time Stamps

• 2:34 How a child’s frustrating attributes will be beautiful qualities when they’re an adult
• 4:05 How noticing and naming a child’s behavior can be effective in helping them change it
• 6:18 Example of how connecting with your child increases cooperation
• 8:27 Defining processing speed
• 9:10 Dealing with what parents would call “temper tantrums,” or what Leslie would say is a child having trouble regulating their emotions
• 12:35 How feeling trapped negatively affects mental health
• 15:45 It’s all about connection and disconnection
• 16:03 Staying one step ahead: Identifying and naming your child’s vulnerabilities as prompting events
• 18:40 How to not reinforce unwanted behaviors by not giving in, but inadvertently reinforcing behavior by ignoring it
• 21:57 Speaking to your child’s expectations that maybe they’re not even aware of 
• 24:04 Teaching your child a T graph: when does this quality work for you, when does it not
• 28:07 Discussion of different parenting approaches 
• 29:10 Children have a common worry of disappointing their parents
• 33:30 Relationship between mom and child vs dad and child
• 35:35 The challenges of co-parenting: when one parent feels invalidated by the other

Resources:  

• Leslie’s Handout: “Staying One Step Ahead of your Child”
• Leslie's Handout: A Visual Presentation of Family Organization
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Try to stay one step ahead of your child.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Leslie delves into one of the most common challenges parents face: how to navigate a strong-willed child who doesn’t do what you want them to do, This is first session with Louise and George who have a 6 year old daughter Anna and a newborn baby.  They bring to light the frustration many parents feel when their child refuses to do simple tasks, like brushing teeth or following a bedtime routine. And it is understandable when the frustration leads to the feeling that parenting is like a slog.  This episode also focuses on the different parenting styles and how that might be impacting their child’s behavior.

Time Stamps

6:35 Start with Compassion for yourself as a parent since this job is really hard
10:05 Mirror Neurons  Children pick up on what the parent is feeling and visa versa
10:40 Patience is needed for when seeking changes in behavior
14:13 Strategies for stepping into a conflict between parent and child

• Be a reporter and name what is happening - give information to others
• Do nothing
• Bait them with “I think you have something very important to say”
• Connect with your child especially when they are pushing you away with their behavior  “I am here and I want to hear you”
• “Hitting is working for you but its not working for me”
• Shape the behavior
  • hitting—->yelling
  • yelling—--> using a talking voice

20:35 Yetzer Hara and Yetzer Tov  - two ideas from Wendy Mogel’s book The Blessing of A Skinned Knee
23:35 Engage the child in “a plan” in order to problem solve challenging behaviors such as brushing her teeth
27:05 The theme of connection and how important that connection is
27:43 Getting at the root cause using the phrase “you must have a very good reason for (not brushing your teeth) or whatever the behavior is.
29:50  Communication is more than just the words: 70% of communication is nonverbal.  Your child is responding to your tone, gestures and facial expressions. 
33:10 Ask yourself how can parents have fun at the job of parenting
37:07 Connect first and then ask for the cooperation

Resources:: 

• Wendy Mogel’s Book:  The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Connection is the foundation for cooperation. 

Today’s episode is a revisit of the conversation between Leslie and her adult daughter Dale. It focuses on the skill of building mastery with new information and resources.  Parents can use this skill to build their children’s sense of confidence and competence. Building mastery can also provide a sense of accomplishment for all adults. This is an inside look at Leslie as a mother using this skill to help her anxious daughter. This episode is also a unique opportunity to hear these parenting skills from the child’s perspective. And in an unexpected move, Dale turns the tables and puts the spotlight on Leslie’s own building mastery.

About the guest: 

Dale Rubury was a producer and special guest in several episodes. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Resources:

• Leslie 's Handout on The Need to Feel Capable
• Youtube Video  Building Mastery Skill 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Building a sense of accomplishment comes from challenging ourselves.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.