I recently had a conversation with a long-time friend about what a great day of relaxation constitutes. For them, it was filled with activity and socializing. For me, it was literally sitting under an umbrella at the beach, reading a book, going for a swim here and there, maybe taking a beach walk, and letting my energy soften. I’ve been working on finding the balance between activity and rest, especially since surgery and even prior to that. I have been learning to not push myself, especially when that pushing is coming from scarcity (because that path leads to migraines). This means learning how to honor my body’s energy for the day: some days I have more or less than others, and that’s okay. I’m not a machine. I’m a human with different obligations and desires and dreams and each day is unique even when it feels “the same”.

In the past, my energy felt like it was feast or famine. And if I was depleted, I’d still push myself into activity and doing. Now, I take intentional relaxation days so that I have the reserves needed for when I may need to put more effort into my day. This softening with myself has been… uncomfortable.

I very much come from a work hard to reap the benefits mindset, but it honestly has not really worked for me beyond making me ill. (Even thinking about how I used to live and writing about it makes me feel yucky!) It isn’t balanced enough for me, and my threshold for this method of work from a pushing place is pretty low. Sure, I can get a ton done in a short period of time IF and WHEN I need to (or want to).

It's so tempting, when I do an avalanche of work in a short period of time, to keep that pace going with everything else in my day. (This is that working from a pushing place space.) Working in this way is rather stressful, frenetic and exhausting; it’s ultimately depleting, draining.

Working, LIVING, in this way is like always driving your car at 100mph: your miles per gallon reduces significantly.

Whereas if you kept at a good steady pace, you’d have greater fuel efficiency.

Some folks have bigger tanks (aka a higher threshold) than others. And so with folks who are similar to me, with smaller or more sensitive tanks, we have to be very mindful of our efficiency.

This is where the non-push softening comes into play.

Moving into a place of greater efficiency=greater restoration is very different than being more efficient to have greater productivity. This isn’t about productivity at all, and yet somehow, productivity increases as a byproduct of the method. My tank has expanded as a result – because I’m not wasting energy on things that no longer give me life.

Does living with this type of efficiency in mind feel boring at times? Absolutely. No longer chasing the highs of adrenaline to fuel the day is a shift; and it’s one that an adrenaline-addicted brain/body will interpret as “boring”.

It’s not really boring, it’s living from a place of no longer seeking, but one of having. And in having, there is stillness, quiet, peace, contentment, all the things that many of us say we want. It’s living from a place of abundance. (Whereas the alternate way is living from a place of scarcity.)

Does this mean there will never be times where you have to step on the gas, and use fuel a little quicker to sprint through the finish line (whether out of obligation or joy), never tapping into adrenaline to do stuff? Not at all!

It does mean that the recovery from said sprint will have to be considered.

I think about this when it comes to money too, because we’re going to be talking about that here in some capacity going forward as it’s something that I’ve spent the last year and a half studying in a university setting…The more “boring” or efficient my energy is (see: sitting at the beach reading a book all day that will give me tons of energy for the next day vs going on an adventure that will be exciting but also leave me tired the next day), the more solid I feel in my money. The better choices I make with my money.

I know that when I’ve done too much without adequate rest I’m prone to making unwise purchasing decisions (overbuying groceries, quick-fix purchases, “energy” supplements, I’m looking at you). It’s seeking a sort of stimulation or release in order to provide more energy elsewhere in my life. It comes from a place of lack, or scarcity and trying to “fill up” with this sort of false energy.

What I’ve learned the most is that the more stabilized my energy’s become, the more stabilized my money is, and they directly influence each other. They are mirrors.

And what I’ve learned is that the more I live from a place of abundance, rest, ease, and fulfillment, the more I’m able to make wise money choices and revel in where I am right now.

A few questions for you to consider:

How do you feel best: with stimulation, with low-activity, something in between?

How do you feel when things are running on efficient auto-pilot?

What is your energy showing you?

Written from the lanai in Florida, and after a long beach walk with lunch at the beach, ultimately sent from the couch with Martie lying next to me. Boring for some, the best kind of Sunday for me. ;-)

XOXOPamela

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I was on a walk recently, wondering what “important calendar event” I had missed. I turned the dates over in my mind, couldn’t think of anything, then dropped it. A half hour or so later, I remembered that what would have been my 15 year wedding anniversary was the day that I swam a mile and a quarter in the choppy strong current of the ocean!I looked back on all that’s changed since leaving the marriage.

This brought a realization: money and personal finance is now no longer a source of stress in my life, but joy, peace, centeredness, and devotion.

There’s more trust in my life, and the world, as a result of where I am right now.

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Many years ago, I had very little in an emergency account.

Which meant that if something came up, like an unexpected bill or expense, I’d have no money and put the charges on a credit card. Because I didn’t make enough to have an emergency account, it meant that the credit card bill would be chipped away for a bit, then something would happen, and I’d be stuck in the same cycle over and over.

Marital dynamics compounded this effect.

I was in a near-constant state of financial stress. I would quite literally lose sleep at night because of my, and our, situation.

I wanted things to be better, to get better, but everything I tried seemed to backfire or meet resistance.

Make a debt payoff plan? Undone within a week.

Make a “build our savings” plan? By the end of the month it was forgotten.

Try to figure out where life was going? Crickets.

(To be clear: it was equally my responsibility as it was his, it takes two to tango after all. And I’m not blaming my former husband, we had our journey together, and the divorce was the catalyst for my freedom.)

Along the way, I realized that if something was REALLY THAT important to me, I found a way to make it happen. Flying to California for herbal training? Covered. Going to the Berkshires in MA for two years to study Chinese Medicine? No problem. Violin lessons? A must.

All prioritized over financial stability.

These priorities were oriented towards really beautiful, life-enriching things. I learned so much in diving into it all. Yet, the ONE thing that I was seeking through all of this was a sense of peace and stability, of groundedness. That was something I did not have beyond the moments spent in training, in study, in practice. The marital dynamic I was in, with the feast or famine cycle (pay off debt, then re-acquire debt), exaggerated the financial situation. It felt like I was swimming against the choppy currents of the ocean while also towing someone. At some point, I got exhausted and couldn’t go any further. I gave up fighting the dynamic and circumstances I was in. I stopped feeling ashamed of where I was (financially, relationally) and accepted that this is where I am and that I didn’t want to continue living this way.

I was done living in chaos. I needed to get out, but I couldn’t because I didn’t feel financially capable of doing so.

That was when my money path and the direction of my life shifted.

I re-oriented to MY life path and dreams, independent of my husband’s. (Which I had been doing all along with those beautiful, life-enriching things too!)

What I’d been trying to accomplish FOR YEARS, took less than a year.

I was no longer trying to escape my life. Instead, I was focused on providing myself my own safety net. And learning what I truly needed in order to make a post-marriage life work.

I put together the financial system that I’m still using.

It was thanks to this system that I was able to see plain as day what I didn’t think or feel like I had: the ability to make a post-marriage life financially work. That I indeed had the emergency account that helped me breathe a little easier at night.

Knowing that I financially was ready allowed me to leave my marriage.

The world opened up, shifted, and changed, and it was hard and challenging, and full of every emotion possible. I spent oodles of time walking around my neighborhood, connected with people in new ways, and did a lot of inner work that didn’t require flying across the country.

I did side-gig work where I could to help bring in a little extra cash. I lobbied for myself at work, acquired new responsibilities and a raise. Extra money came in from surprising places. Ironically, the divorce was what freed me of the debt.

Re-orienting towards the feelings of true safety, centeredness, groundedness and peace allowed me to make big changes to my life and finances.

This sea change has brought me such goodness and love and joy.

And you know what?

I’m still finding a way to do all the beautiful, life-enriching things, I just have a really healthy emergency account and solid financial foundation now.

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A few weeks ago I had outpatient surgery, and received the most amazing care from my parents, the staff at the hospital and my medical team.

In healing and recovery, I learned that “expectations” are almost worse than comparisons…

I expected to be back to my usual walks within a week, two max.

I expected to be back to my usual swims in four weeks.

I expected to participate in the 1-mile ocean swim in Florida a mere 8 weeks after surgery.

Was I back to walking and swimming in these time frames?Yes.Was it “business as usual”?No.

It took me five weeks to learn to slow my walks down.

After living in NYC for 15 years, and taking regular “speed walks” even before then, my standard walking pace is quite fast. What feels slow to me, is actually still quite fast! I learned that I operate at two speeds: 10 and 0. Very extreme. The surgery and recovery offered me an opportunity to learn what 1, 2, 3, 4, etc., felt like. Because when I didn’t slow down, pain and discomfort showed up to redirect me.

When I tried to push things too hard to soon (for example: I returned to work 2 days earlier than I really should have), it resulted in a lot of extra tiredness and fatigue.

On the upside to this, I learned:

How to slow down, what that feels like – not just in my body, but in my mind. That’s right, despite over a decade’s experience with meditation and so on, I still want to move through life lightning fast. I do this so I can “fit it all in”, but to my detriment. Having to slow down in order to “go fast” with my healing was a strange feeling. I learned that the more I honored not just my body’s need for deep rest but also slowness, the more I felt better. I really want to bring this forward with me, it is such a valuable lesson and practice.

I learned what guilt-free rest felt like. I learned to nap with glee and abundance.

I learned that it’s better to do something than to sit around and do nothing and stew in anxiety. In the week leading up to the surgery, I was prepping food and storing it in single serving portions in the freezer so that my mother would have an easier time while taking care of me. It felt good to do this, definitely more productive than having pre-surgery anxiety and the resulting stories that my mind would potentially come up with! And, having my mother bring be big mugs of green soup, squash soup, congee, and smoothies was pretty awesome.

I learned to speak up to my doctor in a proactive, non-confrontational, way.

I learned that it is totally okay to do “the bare minimum” (see “fitting it all in” above) – and that there is great pleasure in doing very little each day. I am no less worthy or valuable because all I did was eat, nap, sleep, take a walk, and read for the day. (This worth and value harkens to Earth and Metal issues, we’ll maybe touch on this in the future when I have learned enough lessons to share about it.)

I learned that people want to help – and to let them. That accepting offered help doesn’t “mean” anything about me other than I’m receiving the other person’s love and care and kindness.

Oh, and that Ocean Mile Swim?

That was yesterday.Against doctor’s orders, against all reasoning from everyone around me saying it wasn’t a good idea and to not do it: I tried anyway. I tried because despite not registering, I received a “thanks for registering for the Ocean Mile Swim!” email AND my Friday night plans had been cancelled (which meant I could go to bed early). I said, “oh, okay Universe, I’ll go! Thanks!”

An ominous wind howled in the trees along the coast, which gave me a not so warm and fuzzy feeling in my belly. The wind was but a preview of the not ideal conditions: strong current, 3ft chop with a 15mph southern wind, all that jazz. The course is a swim north then south parallel to the shore: so basically you were fighting the current for the latter half of the swim to the course’s finish.

I made it 85% of the way (to completing the course), and had to stop.

I was really, really tried, and I had no juice left. I started crying in the water, and cried when I got to shore. I really wanted to finish, and I just couldn’t. (My brain wasn’t even saying, “I can’t do this”, it was my body saying: I’m done.)

I swam for over an hour, and swam 1.26 miles. That’s right, over an hour, 1.26 miles and I didn’t even get to finish the course before I conked out. By the time I would have completed the swim, had I had the juice, I would have clocked over a mile and a half to three quarters, minimum.

I learned that it’s okay to make it 85% of the way there sometimes – especially less than 8 weeks after surgery.

I learned that the woman who finished first in her age group thought about quitting a hundred times, and kept at it anyway.

I wish I had more “juice” to keep going, but my energy was just gone. I mean, I’m probably at 85% post-surgery anyway, so to get 85% of the course as it was done – that’s all I could do.

I also learned that it’s more about the trying than the finishing, and who you meet along the way, that matters more than anything. (And, of course, listening to my body.)

This is what I have learned as we’re launching into summer.

What have you been learning?

I’d love to hear from you.

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I was going to share a post today on being comfortable with discomfort, to reveal the lessons and blessings as a result of this action, but I have a little story/allegory to tell instead…

Once upon the end of a spring Shabbat dinner in the suburbs of Richmond, a parent said that the world is a terrifying and scary place. Their child, who was standing next to them, said, “what?! It’s scary?!” eyes as big as saucers. She couldn’t comprehend how her perspective of the world being a good/safe/fun/magical place was… wrong, shaken, misplaced. You could feel the fear and confusion rolling off her.

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Without batting an eye, and not because of the child but because I think we all need to be reminded of this (me included), I said, “hey, I think the world is what we make of it. It’s up to us to decide how we approach it, life is great no matter what’s going on or not going on.” The child’s eyes widened, a bit of relief softening her face, yet confused after hearing two adults say two diametrically opposed things.The parent, I don’t remember what the parents said…(Gratitude to my parents, especially my mom, for always being that “life is what you make of it” person in my life. She’s amazing.)

Presuming that we’re all adults here: we can hold two perspectives, two emotions, at once, right? Two things can be true at the same time. (At least, that’s what my aim is, and I have varying levels of success with this on a given day.)

To say, “hey, sh*t’s real right now, and we’re bombarded with zaniness and disruption every day that is meant to remind us all how life is not predictable. And wow, right on time, predictably and magically the cherry tree on the block is gorgeous, and all is right with the world because the birds are out and the bees are buzzing, and I’m alive.” It’s about being comfortable with the discomfort of living in an “uncertain” world.

Yet so much is indeed certain. I know within a week or so when the violets will be ready in my yard for picking and drying. I know when the wild strawberries will be ready way upstate NY (even though I haven’t been for this harvest since 2021). I know the smell of rain, that the sun will rise tomorrow morning. (Hey, maybe this is about being comfortable with the discomfort after all!)

Every day in the news there are dozens of headlines that make even the most resilient optimist shudder.

Yet, it’s our responsibility to make the most out of each day.

We only have this one life, how do you want to spend it? It’s both, and, right? Not either or.

(And, if it was either or, I’d choose to make the most out of each day after living in the other side for the first part of my life.)

Sitting around, getting each other worked up in a frenzy of fear is not going to do anything but make life feel zanier and more disrupted and scarier. At least for me. It doesn’t help me feel like I’m “doing something”, it makes me feel like I’m stuck in traffic yelling at the people around me.

Instead, what if we instead become grounded in ourselves, get quiet and in the present moment? Then, we can tune in and hear our Hearts -which only know love and joy anyway- live unattached to “certainty” via the present moment. Because then, no matter what happens… we’ve got this. Yes, our Hearts only know and resonate with love and joy.

Our Hearts are innocent in that way.

Sure, your Heart can become closed off, then hardened and bitter as a result; but we are not born this way, we do not thrive this way. If we feel fear (an emotion of the Kidneys, of Water), the fire of our Hearts shudder and shiver in response. When we feel anger (the emotion of Liver and Wood) we can create larger fires and our Hearts rage without consciousness and loving kindness. If grief-stricken (a Lung/Metal emotion), our Hearts can feel heavy and shattered, brittle almost, at what is lost - and can become stuck in the past, out of sync with who we are in the present moment. If we are stuck in worry (a Spleen/Earth emotion), our hearts seek sympathy and nurturing from others to soothe our weary soul. We can also be filled with desire for more stimulation, more excitement, and have a sort of FOMO of the “fun things” in life, and through that, our hearts become exhausted, hungover, overstimulated and out of sync with the natural rhythms of our lives.

Even through all of this, our Hearts keep beating, singing the song of our souls, of love and joy and peace if only we take the time to be present, to be still enough to listen.

The Heart is an organ of the Fire element. And Fire, like the sun, exists only in this moment in time. It cannot be captured, or held, or stored. (Think of how hot the desert sun is, but once it is set for the night, the desert temperature can drop enormously.) Your Heart holds the spark of your life, the joy and love in your life.

Healthy Heart energy can unify us with the Heavens/Universe/Oneness/God/Spirit/Gaia. This energy can lift us up, and fill us with light and faith, positivity (without naivete) and what’s called right-action.

With a lack of Fire in our Hearts, we are unable to utilize our spark of innate joy to live our best lives. With too much Fire in our Hearts, we are so concerned with wanting and getting more of what brings us one type of joy that we lose perspective on life and can become controlling.

Either way, the Heart is unable to turn the feast of life’s joys into insight, intimacy, mastery, living through doing nothing (wu wei), propriety (which is right action at the right time) and sageliness (thoughtfulness, carefulness, compassion, kindness).

For if all we’re doing is listening to the noise of our minds, or the news, or the fears of others, then we’re ignoring the most healing and helpful sound of all: the beating and song of our own Hearts. When we live from our Hearts, in tune with our Heart’s song, then this resonates to others. Others can then join together in harmony and then rise in a sense of unification, attunement, love and joy – the beating of a drum.

Let’s remember that this is not just for you or for me, but for each other, for our loved ones, for our friends, for our community, for the world.

It’s up to each of us to focus on the good (not just the gloriousness of spring, but also the actions we need to take to help make the world a better place*) and what we CAN do today that helps make things better.

And yes, of course, rally, protest, organize, take action where you feel compelled to! Use your money for the things that you care about so that additional ACTION is being taken to support the causes that you care about. Be proactive, not reactive.

When life is reminding us that everything is uncertain, for to live is to be in a state of uncertainty: it's up to each of us to decide what song to sing and dance to.

I for one, prefer to tune into my Heart, and live life from my Heart’s song. What about you?

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* Think of how Gandhi’s resistance against British colonial rule was not fighting against the British, but instead via non-violent and non-compliant action. The resistance was done so from a place of proactive dignity and honor, from a place of solution, of how he wanted India to be.Martin Luther King Jr led the civil rights movement by being a living example through speech and action for how he wanted the country to be. He lived and spoke from that place as if it already existed.

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One of the energies that I get to dance with in this life is having Wei Qi issues.

Some people may have constitutional energies with anger, or persistent grief and sadness, or always needing things to be happy or easygoing, or fearfulness. Which energy you dance with in this lifetime is unique to you, and it’s something we can work through and learn from.

(While I’m not sure these energies can completely be overcome in one lifetime, I think that we can choose to have increasing awareness around and eventually move into a healthier and more balanced way of being. At one point I thought I could overcome anything through the right diet, herbs, lifestyle and sheer force of will. Now… I’m not so sure. Maybe I’ll change my mind about this all in the future, who knows.)

Again, the energy that I dance with in this lifetime is Wei Qi. Wei Qi is sort of like an amalgamation of the boundary between you and the world, your immune system, and is the combination of the health of your digestive system (Spleen/Stomach) and your respiratory system (Lung/Large Intestine).

This is the Metal and Earth of your body’s kingdom. Coincidentally enough or not, I am a Metal-Earth constitution in Five Element Chinese Medicine.

I view Wei Qi as the castle that’s made from stone and is protected with metal gates and guards at the gates and parapets.

I remember when I briefly dated someone who so wanted to come crashing through my carefully built castle.

During this period of time, I had a vision in a meditation of me being in a tower, and them pulling stones down one by one, and crashing through the portcullis (the metal gate).

This vision terrified me, and for good reason: it was not ME opening the gates for them to enter my kingdom, or me relaxing so the guards protecting me could relax - but them breaking down the protection between me and the world. It wasn’t a healing vision, but one of personal destruction. I was, in essence, engaged in a battle between what was best for me, and what they wanted. (Now, I want to be clear: this was a vision, so all of this is symbolic. I was and am safe/okay/good.)

It is each of our responsibility to honor what the regal one’s deem to be desirable, worthy, correct, healthy, wise for us. And if given the choice, the doors of not only the outer castle can be opened, but all the inner chamber ones as well. You, me, we, are the regal ones at the center of our kingdoms.

This means that since you are the Empress/Emperor/Sovereign being/etc of your world: YOU are the one who makes the choices as to who is to enter your world.

How you make those decisions is unique to you, but make them you do. And, who you let into your inner world is also up to you. This is YOUR choice, as the sovereign ruler of your personal kingdom.

To have a vision of someone that I was dating trying to tear down the sacredness of my personal kingdom felt… unsafe. It felt like a violation of my boundaries, even though no external/waking world violations had ever taken place (an example might be: speaking in a way that is disrespectful).

This is when things get nuanced.

Because Wei Qi is nuanced.

After all, it not only prevents the little bugs from getting us sick, it also protects our energy from other’s energy.

Know someone who seems to “catch” everyone else’s emotions and is very sensitive to other people’s energy in a way that makes that person sick or otherwise unwell in some way? Yup, that’s Wei Qi.

It’s also empathy, but there’s healthy empathy where Wei Qi is strong, and there’s unhealthy empathy where the Wei Qi is compromised so you “take on” whatever it is that you are in empathy with.

Because Wei Qi is connected to the health of your Lungs (or Metal element), it is very primal, it’s animalistic, it’s instinctual. And because it is also connected to your digestive system, you can only make more Wei Qi when you are inherently feeling safe (you know: rest and digest.)

Wei Qi is the way in which you respond to the stimuli in the world – but in an unconscious manner.

You are not consciously controlling your body’s response to being exposed to a virus, your body senses it and kicks into gear. That process is your Wei Qi.

So if you have some kind of Wei Qi issue… maintaining the “boundary” of health can be challenging.

You could be more prone to getting sick. Or, like me, your immune system can hold up for so long then suddenly collapse into sickness that lingers. It’s that one drop that broke through the dam, the one snowflake too many that created an avalanche.

Take, for instance how I managed to not get sick at all even though I was feeling really run down, then as soon as I went on vacation, I got sick. Held out, then collapse.

(Thankfully, in some ways, I’ve become wiser and I just rest rest rest rest rest while feeling sick. I rest until I’m sick of resting then rest a bit more. My friend Rebecca wrote about recovery here, should you want to learn more about it. Doing this, resting while sick, helps your Wei Qi because it’s not being depleted or stretched thin by managing recovery along with newness.)

On an emotional level, you can have a situation where someone wears you down over time by requesting the same thing that you’ve already said no to, again, and again, and again. Maybe you’ve even set a hard boundary about it, but they keep coming back and you eventually find yourself saying yes. That’s Wei Qi.

On a psychological level, I view Wei Qi being compromised as that which we are choosing to expose ourselves to upsetting images, media, news, people, etc which leave us feeling upset, anxious, depleted, or otherwise emotionally unwell. Compromising our Wei Qi can also come in the form of people with boundary issues. (Ever be around someone who hates other people’s boundaries and takes them personally? Yeah, that gets exhausting in time – especially when you might not be able to take the personal space to recoup between these “incidents” and develop more of a strong Wei Qi!)Being able to not necessarily withstand the impact from that subtle energy, but be unaffected by that energy is to have healthy Wei Qi.

And because this is Chinese Medicine at play here, and Wei Qi is ruled by the digestive and respiratory systems: taking care of your digestive health is of the utmost importance: eat right, do not eat and run, do not eat while standing, eat while sitting, eat with others, if you do not eat with others (as I do) then play music that you find enjoyable, avoid working while eating, etc. (Shameless plug for my self-published cookbook which you can buy here or here). Your respiratory health is of no less importance: wear the scarves in windy weather, be mindful of the air quality, eat Lung supportive foods (ie cooked pears in fall and winter, soups and stews), have the right amount of humidity in the air, etc.

There are herbs you can take to boost Wei Qi too (think: immune supportive herbs), you can soothe your nervous system to remind yourself that you are safe in your body. (Remember: the Wei Qi is primal, the nervous system is primal, if both of these deeply instinctual animal bodily functions are at ease then everything else functions better). Get good rest, avoid overworking, allow your Wei Qi to replenish at night. Interestingly enough, your Wei Qi circulates on the exterior of your body during the day, and moves to the inside of your body at night. So get that good restorative sleep, and if you do not sleep well: do what you can to sleep better!

I’ve been working on my Wei Qi in a more conscious manner the past couple+ years, and just as I felt great I fell off taking the herbs that were supporting my Wei Qi. (Oh to be human!) I realized that I felt a great amount of space and neutrality between me and the “outside world” – which was strange because I was always REALLY sensitive to other people’s emotions, moods, speech, etc. But, life life’d, and alongside falling off the herbal routine, I got physically and mentally exhausted (working and going to school part-time in your mid-40s is no joke). In time, sure enough… I agreed to do something that I initially had a “no” response to. The repetitive nature of the thing was what broke through my Wei Qi, and right up until I hit the point of exhaustion coupled with not taking the herbs, I had felt inner strength, space and fortitude.

My initial reaction to this recent Wei Qi breakdown was to feel shame, and to give myself a hard time about it. But, shaming myself or “cutting myself down” (with an emotional Metal object) would only weaken my Wei Qi further (and, interestingly enough, this yes-when-I-really-meant-no welcomed back the headaches that I had been free from for months.) It would serve no benevolent, loving, purpose to continue berating myself, for it would only keep my Wei Qi in a broken down state but also not honor my process or self.

Instead, accepting and loving myself unconditionally, being aware of where I’m at and what I still need to do, are most important.

Also, as someone who is a Metal constitution who seeks the perfection that Metal desires: I have to remind myself that I’m human having a human, messy experience…

Now I know: back to the Wei Qi herbs, back to being more conscious about it, and doing all the things stated above to cultivate and maintain healthy and strong Wei Qi.

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I’ve recently received some news that could be perceived as a setback.

I spent a good amount of time wallowing in what it all could mean, feeling upset, resentful and angry about this particular bit of news. And, essentially, trying to talk myself off the edge of the cliff of despair*.Writing this out makes it sound like this news is life-alteringly huge.

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It really isn’t in the grand scheme of things, but it is about my health.

I have a lot of “stuff” (baggage) regarding my health. For years I was told there was nothing wrong with me, then found out I had autoimmunity (which was, not-coincidentally, what was in fact “wrong” with me), then made big changes to help said autoimmunity, and it’s basically been one thing after the other. And, as a woman in the US… medical gaslighting is real, dismissal of our health concerns as being “hormonal” or “in our heads” is real. Having a complex health picture in this day and age has meant that I’ve gone down an “alternative” path and not found help or solace within most of the modern medical community. (And, of course the irony in this is that modern medicine formally diagnosed the autoimmune condition, and I rely on it to see where things are.)

Going down the alternative path, via Chinese Medicine and herbs, has meant that I get to zoom out, take a look at the whole picture of patterns in not just my health but my overall life.

Having a big picture look at my health has made things markedly better.

It seems health is my life-lesson, the source of growth, love, acceptance and compassion for me. It’s the thing I’m here to put effort into so that I can glean some sort of wisdom about.

Sort of like how for a lot of people, their children are their greatest teachers, or their relationship with their spouse is their greatest source of growth, for me –apparently, at this moment in time- it is health stuff.

I must put energy and intention and effort into my health in order to feel good. This isn’t to say that all people have to take care of themselves to feel good, but I need to do “extra” in order to feel good for me. (And, after all, that’s why I’m here writing to you – to share what I’ve learned.)

Sometimes, I get so sick of having to, what feels like, jump through hoops just to feel good and solid on a daily basis. Sometimes, I hate it. Sometimes, I just want to do what I want, eat what I want, and live my life without any “price to pay” afterwards. (Don’t we all, right?!) I want to throw all of it away and do what I want. And knowing that I can’t when all I want is the opposite of what I have, ends up in this weird temper tantrum pity party thing.

(Ironically, when I think back on what I ate to make it through all-nighters in college, I cringe. Giant cups of Dr. Pepper, junk food, brownies/cookies, pizza – all to fuel staying up all night. Then at the end of the semester, or during a break, I’d do nothing but sleep and get sick with a cold. Even then, my body protested the thing that I have long romanticized.)

I think part of this is feeling like the grass is greener, that IF ONLY I could have this thing that I cannot seem to have, then everything would be fantastic. Sort of like how people romanticize relationships making life perfect and fantastic – that life would be oh so much better if only the perfect partner were to enter your life. (Folks in relationships will laugh at this, but we see it all the time in TV and movies as being the thing that will “fix” everything, yeah?)

Not having health-things to think about, to eat for, to orient my day around, is my fantasy.

The irony, of course, is how amazing I’ve been feeling lately.

I mean, SO amazing.

And maybe that’s why this health news has me shook up. Because I was expecting to see something different than I did, because my every day reality is so much better than what the results showed. And I’ve only been feeling this amazing because I haven’t been fighting myself on what I need in order to feel good.

Go to bed at 9:30 and get up at 7:30? Needed 1-2 nights a week? Okay, do that.

Not force myself to lift weights for 60 mins a week because it’s “necessary” for our health, but is actually really draining if I do more than 10-15 mins a week? Yeah, do what’s best for me not what “everyone” should be doing.

I do one thing at a time, I no longer multitask.

I take 20-30 mins to eat a meal, I meditate in the morning, I take time to marvel and be in nature in some way every day. I spend time with friends, and do things that I love (though, admittedly, with school this part of my life has taken the biggest hit this semester.) I am not working, including schoolwork and yard chores, on weekends so I can full rejuvenate for the week ahead. I’m hiring people to help me so that I can spend more time resting, which is exactly what I need to be doing in order to feel as good as I’ve been feeling.This is practicing what I preach to others.

Living a life of balance, not go go go go go as if I were an unbreakable machine.

So to have this piece of news be received now is like a wrench in what’s otherwise been smooth sailing.

But, that’s life right? We get a gift of smooth sailing, relax into the calm waters, think we’ve “made it” with bright clear skies (or if partial clouds are your thing then that), easy navigation.

It’s temporary, because there is sure to be rough waters in some form ahead. And I feel like this news is a hint of that rough water.  I’ve been here before, having to make YET MORE CHANGES (ugh, I’m so tired of change right now – I’ve had enough change in four years to last me four more years), and my mind is spinning all sorts of tails about “what it all means”. These thoughts, of course, lead right into those very rough waters and make them seem un-navigable. These thoughts and the emotions they conjure up could be making rough water where there is none!

This news could simply be a navigational course correction. It could lead to something even better. Who knows?! And to honor the course correct that the new brings, or be patient enough to wait for more information, is far far more productive than falling off the cliff of despair.

It would be nice to wake up one day and not have any of the things I have to think about for my health.

And I certainly am putting more energy and effort into living life than worry about health things (which, unsurprisingly, has helped my health far more than worrying about it ever did.)

But, I have the gift of being able to make the changes to help my health.

If only I did not fight it so, or resist and even hate the process so much at times.

Instead, I have to trust that showing up with love, care, compassion, and meet my needs in a way that is pretty different than what I’d otherwise be doing (yet is rather common sense).

With clients, we often hit this very same point in our work together. And, sadly, a lot of folks take it as a sign to NOT keep going. Not TO keep going. I always get excited when we get to this point because it’s a reminder, always a reminder, of the stark contrast of the way life was before-change and now after-change.

It’s a point that so often most clients decide that if they’re feeling great, and come to a bump in the road, it means that you’re on the wrong road. But if you were NOT feeling great, then changed roads, then started feeling great, then a little bump is just that. A bump. No big deal. Sort of like turbulence in the air. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be in an airplane, it just means the winds have shifted.

Perhaps all of these things can be seen as tests of our resolve.

Like any change in life, things that come up after things have been going well… they happen. Doesn’t mean things are “all wrong”.

Our resolve to continue on this new path, to have faith that we’ll continue feeling better. That we’ll continue to BE better.

If you give up now, you turn back, then get back on that same old trodden path of feeling like crap (could be with your health, your mental state, your relationships, your work, you name it, right?) If you give up, you’ve lost.

Obviously giving up at the appropriate time is recommended! If the road is ALWAYS rough, with some smooth spots, that’s not a road to be on. Been there… done that. We don’t live for the smooth spots amidst a consistently rough road.

I realized that if I get on a path that is smooth, and trust that things will work out however they’re meant to work out so long as I show up in this way, in the way that is a continual showing of all that I want to be, my internal emotional waters calm right down, I feel better and more connected to the source-of-wellness within, and forget about the cliff.

Makes any sort of news or results pretty insignificant.

*The cliff of despair, or the pit of despair, or “the pit”, is where I lived for a long time. It’s a hopeless, sad, frightful place. It’s scary, and very difficult to get out of. It’s filled with all the feelings that do not make your life better: fear, anger, dread, sadness, grief, hatred, worry, loathing, longing, victim-hood, and emotions that I have no words for. Live life from a place that is not yours, not meant for you, not driven by you, and you can fall off the cliff into the pit of despair.

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For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated with the spiritual and religious traditions of the world. Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up in a religious household, I don’t know. I do know that as a kid I was meditating, even though I didn’t know that I was meditating at the time.

After all these years, it is no wonder then that I started studying Kabbalah a few months ago.

In Kabbalah, there’s a concept called CERTAINTY.

Certainty in Kabbalah is living with knowing that the Universe/Creator/Light/God/etc has your best interest in mind, and that whatever happens: it’s for the best.

I’ve struggled with this concept because I have lived with a lot of self-doubt, second guessing, and feeling uncertain in my ability to make “good decisions” in my life.

Talk to me about a decision that I’m making, and you’ll be met with a dissertation as to why it’s the right decision amidst all the factors that I could think of, and plans A through Z, and so on. Sometimes I’ll spin out about my own life, and, frankly it’s exhausting to live this way. This is something that I have been actively changing and shifting – and I think progress is being made because I’m spending a lot less of my energy on this stuff and more on the things that I want to do.

When certainty was introduced in Kabbalah, similary to my Chinese Medicine teacher’s “straight ahead, damn the torpedoes” sentiment, I felt very uncomfortable with this.

I remember being younger with such certainty and straight ahead-ness. Then, along the way, something happened. It’s like I lost the connection to that. Or “too much” happened with “evidence” showing that the certainty was false. (Oh mind & ego, you LOVE to keep me spinning in place, don’t you?!)

When I left Brooklyn, after 15 years, I wanted certainty that it was the “right decision”.

And I realized that having certainty is not the same as things being “right”. Because “right” meant that things will go the way that I want them to go, not what is “right for me”.

When I get wrapped up in things going my way, it’s a signal that this is all ego. And I’m done with having my ego run the show.

Because things going my way is the KNOWN. Things going my way leaves no room for surprises or imagination or things being different than I already know.

The known and certainty are not the same at all.

Certainty is an unshakeable force from within.

And that unshakeable force?

It’s love.

If certainty is love, then I want as much of that as I can cultivate in my life.

If certainty is laughing because the brand new refrigerator that was installed in my house has a busted water line and I can’t have a functioning ice maker (similar to the old fridge) then I’ll take it.

If certainty is enjoying right where I am, no matter what’s happening (even that inconvenient migraine on a busy work day), then I’ll take it.

Because certainty is love.

And I want to live in and soak up and give as much of that as I can in this life.

Living from love means I am open to surprises that may come my way.

Living from love means that I don’t know what’s going to come next, but I do know (with certainty) that whatever does come, is going to be better than I imagined.

I look back on leaving Brooklyn…

Immediately following that, I spent a year living 10 mins from the beach in Florida – swimming in the ocean practically every day, soaking up the sun, and having a bunch of adventures all over the East Coast of the US. I had my first “real” relationship after getting divorced, learned a ton, and then chose the place to move to.

I’d tried to narrow down the list of possibilities of places to live using a spreadsheet.

But love doesn’t work within a spreadsheet, and Certainty certainly doesn’t either.

Ultimately, every choice I’ve made that has been significant in the past two years has been made from a place of: does this feel expansive or does this feel contractive? If contractive, it’s a no.

If expansive, which means into the unknown, then I do it. It’s a yes. It’s coming from love, from certainty.

And now?

I’m living in a place that I was certain I wanted to be in 20 years ago, a dream that never faded, and I wake up every day saying that I cannot believe that I’m here FINALLY. I’ve been here, in this physical place, for almost a year.

And I’ve learned, that never again will I make decisions based on what is “right” (for me, for others) but what is from a place of Certainty and Love and Expansion.

Because who knows what will come next?!

I can’t wait to find out.

One of the lessons and states of being that’s my job to work through in this lifetime seems to be the feeling of “not enough”.

I’ll spare you the psychological roots, because if you’ve heard one story about this you’ve heard them all.  The “not enough” state is compounded by society, culture, media, relationships and so on.

Remembering my worth, your worth, is critical when the “not enough” whispers start to direct life. Because it’s my choice as to whether or not I engage in this sort of detrimental thinking.

It’s easy to fall into this trap of “it’s never enough, I’m not enough” because of who I see around me. If I only look at the surface, making those blanket (and frankly unhelpful) statements sounds true. But what if something else is true? That there is more to meets the eye?

Back when I was hoping to “be an herbalist” as a part-time clinician, in addition to my full time job, and hobbies, and marriage, and living in NYC, LOL, I would berate myself for not being able to get “more” going with it.

I felt like I wasn’t “enough” of an herbalist because of the number of clients I had, or didn’t have. That I wasn’t doing it as my job the way I saw other people “being an herbalist”. Then I did some digging and discovered that those people didn’t exactly have the full plate that I already had. They had space in their life for (clinical) herbalism in a way that I didn’t. So all that time with me giving myself a hard time for not being enough of an herbalist was wasted, and truly harmful. I couldn’t simply enjoy learning my craft and refining my skills as they were. I felt pressured to be in a different place in my life than I was. And that pressure? It didn’t come from me, I became an herbalist because I wanted to help myself, then fell in love with Chinese Medicine, and suddenly people (teachers, friends, family – all well-intentioned) were asking if I was going to make money from it.

(This is where I can go on a diatribe about how just because we love to do something, doesn’t mean we should be trying to make money from it.)

Anyway…

Take out “herbalist” and replace it with “musician”, “artist”, “wife”, “girlfriend”, etc., and you can see how “not enough” is nothing but a setup.

It’s a trap for never being able to be truly present, to live in the moment and feel peaceful and contented with where you are in your journey.

I got divorced at 40, started over. Then, three years later, I really started over: I moved to an entirely new place, knowing no one, and am living quite the different life than I was.

Yet so much is unchanged: I still have the things I love doing, I still have my job, I’m still “an herbalist” (though without the pressure for my herbal work to be anything other than what it is in this moment) and something new: I’m in a post-graduate program to gain new knowledge and (theoretically) skills to grow my full-time job/career.

It’s A LOT! And, frankly, that “not enough” poisonous internal voice will still kick up from time to time.

It was giving me a hard time for not having more in retirement savings, for not having more in a savings account to buy a house, for not having more energy/oomph to exercise more, for not, for not, for not. Have you noticed that these are all the “nots”?Yeah, me too…

Ego (or if you want to instead say: the inner critic) focuses on the nots. Ego focuses on the black and white picture (so does the Metal element when out of balance in Chinese Medicine, but that’s for another time.)

Ego focuses on self-protection, and self-criticism as a way to protect the very young self. Ego is introjected – it’s NOT YOU. This introjected junk is from other people, society, media, etc. It’s things the ego’s taken on to keep me safe. (Same for you, it’s how the ego works.)

For example: ego introjecting the “nots” growing up was a way to protect me from hearing about it from an adult in my life. But now, doing that is a coping mechanism that’s causing more harm than doing good.

This is something that I’ve been working on for a long time. Because this part of us is deep, it’s old, and it’s worked for a long time. It has strong neural networks in our brains and beings.

I used to argue with this part of me, to counter and show proof. To my detriment: I’d wind up with crippling migraine headaches after such an internal argument.

Seriously, as soon as I realized what was happening in connection between these ego-internal-arguments and the migraines, I was able to make amazing progress on reducing the frequency and severity of the migraines. No herb was able to do as much for me as this important internal shift.More frequently, and recently, I’ve not been getting caught in this argument loop. It was so automatic that I wouldn’t realize I was in the argument loop until hours later, or days later, and now I can spot it as soon as it starts. Practice makes progress!

And recently, happily, I finally said to this voice, “HEY, STOP IT! All these things are in progress, I’m making steady progress towards these goals every day, every week, every month, and I’ll get there when I get there. I am doing BY MYSELF, I’m officially cutting myself some slack, giving myself some compassion and feeling grace towards myself. This stuff is hard sometimes and I’m doing the best that I can. Compassion, grace. Right now.”

Breathes in and out. Hand over heart. Feeling love towards myself and where I am, what I’m feeling.

Then I say, “Pam, you are doing so great. You just keep doing you and it’ll all be okay.”

When I first started doing this it felt forced, fake. But as they say: fake it ‘til you make it.

And it’s true: it will all be okay. The Universe wants that for me, I want that for me, and so long as I am willing to show up, and work through this stuff instead of combating it (or denying it) then I’ll feel yet more peace, yet more contentment, and be able to continue growing into who I really am without all that introjected garbage.

I slept like a baby that night.

I had a great conversation a few days ago with some friends who are also cat-people.

If you’re a dog person, stay with me on this.

Because this isn’t about cats so much as it is about women and people and communication and relating.

This whole conversation started because I remarked about how my cat was unusually picky with her food, and unusually testy and disagreeable the past few days. I didn’t know what was going on with her, much as I tried.

She’s a cat, she doesn’t have language the way we have language with each other. So I have to do a little dropping into her state to see if I can suss out what’s going on with her, try to interpret what her body language is telling me, and so on. Sometimes I can ask and get a sense of what she wants in a beyond-language sense, but it’s in a simplified “I’m happy, I love you, I’m sad, I’m upset, etc” way and not a “this is what I really need or want” way.

The emotional labor involved in sussing all of this out is a privilege, it’s a willing obligation when it comes to my beloved feline companion. After all, she and I spend all our time together, we travel together. She is my tribe.

With cats (especially female cats) there’s an unspoken and understood mode of how things work: “read my mind so I don’t have to tell you what I want, and then I have permission to be upset with you/scratch you for not reading the slightest change in my expression.”

I realized in that moment that female cats are a lot like women, and especially lesbians, who prefer to be enmeshed and codpendent, and to not communicate clearly/directly and instead communicate “in code”. You see, when you are enmeshed and codependent, there is a lack of clear communication.

There is the expectation, and romanticization of reading each other’s minds, of being highly present for each other in a way that is deeply unhealthy, such that you exhaust your own self at the expense of the other person’s “ease” or comfort.

There are a multitude of reasons behind enmeshment and codependency, but let’s focus on what happens in real-time. Add on to the fact that women in general are not taught how to communicate with clarity and this makes for a relational minefield.

(As a quick aside, one of my friends said that it is important to note that for women, we make less money than men on average, and so it is of the utmost importance to establish secure relationships and then it becomes difficult to extract oneself out of unhealthy ones. This is why it’s vitally important to be as financially independent as possible, if you can take care of yourself you aren’t beholden to anyone - especially not an unhealthy relationship. I’ve been there: stayed in a marriage for years longer than what I wanted because of money fears, and other stuff too…)

With my cat, she loves belly rubs. But, you have to pet her with all of your presence so that you can feel and see the nearly imperceptible changes in her to alert you that she’s “done”. Because the moment after she’s done, she then feels that she has permission to give you a warning scratch.

Don’t get me wrong, I love that my cat has clear boundaries. She does communicate in her way what she wants. But certain activities with her, such as those softy and fluffy and snuggly belly rubs are rife with minefields that can result in getting hurt.

It makes me wonder, why, as humans in relationship with each other do we do this to each other?

Why would you want to set up your relationship such that one partner missing, or misinterpreting, the other’s body language, results in hurt where the woman who doesn’t communicate clearly feels slighted, unseen, uncared for, or otherwise unloved?

Why would you want to set up your relationship so that the partner who missed or misunderstood this silent language can then wind up “attacked” by the partner who felt slighted by the missed observation?

The solution to this all is rather simple: communicate clearly!

Simple, yes.

Easy, no.

I’ve spent the better part of the last three years working on this stuff, and I’ve gotta say: it’s been one of the most difficult changes to make and the most freeing.

If I know where I stand in myself, and can communicate that with compassion and clarity, and directness, then that allows not only myself, but my partner or those who I’m in relationship with, to be able to have clarity within the relationship.

If the other person isn’t clear back, then that’s okay. At least I’ve been clear.

And clear doesn’t mean an ever-so-slight shift in body language or making a “subtle suggestion” in lieu of a straight-up request.

It means, “this is what I need in order to be able to be my best and to show up for you”.

But doing this means that you risk the other person not responding the way that you want.

What if stating what you need so you can be your best self and your best for the other person is met with a “no”?

Well…

Isn’t that better to know NOW instead of playing games and learning it 6 months down the line?

Isn’t it better to say, “I have these boundaries” and then whatever information you receive from the other person you can then integrate into a decision to stay or to go?

Isn’t it better to say, “I don’t feel comfortable with X” and then see how the other person responds?

Because, what if the other person says, “I don’t like your boundaries” then proceeds to disrespect them? Do you think that playing more muddied communication games will make them respect them?

What if the other person says, in response to your “I don’t feel comfortable with X”, “well, I’m not the problem here, you are”? What will you do then? Have a deeper conversation (if that’s possible), walk away, or contort and people-please and self-sacrifice so that you can try harder to not be the problem (spoiler alert: been there, done that, and guess what? Self-sacrifice or “compromising” in that way doesn’t work.)

Let’s be clear: it takes a heckuva lot of courage and bravery to be clear and direct. To do so without anger or shame or guilting or any of that other trip-laying that we tend to do in lieu of speaking our truth.

We have this amazing gift: language. Let’s use it.

I saw this article from the Wall Street Journal this morning, titled: Anger Does a Lot More Damage to Your Body Than You Realize and I’ve gotta say, I’m glad that our culture is finally catching up to what the ancients have known for millenia.

What does all of this mean from a CHINESE MEDICINE lens or from a Connecting the Dots lens, you might ask…

- The Chinese medicine view of the Liver and anger.

- Learn what may be happening if anger is an emotion that you experience regularly.

- Learn what also happens when LONG-term chronic anger not only negatively impacts the Liver but your entire body.

- Eating for Liver health

- Movement for Liver health

Read the blog post here: https://myautoimmunekitchen.com/angry-your-liver-and-heart-need-help/

IG: @myautoimmunekitchen

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