It's Always Brunch with Megan & Shannon

As a follow up to our last episode on not settling, today we’re tackling standards, expectations and boundaries.  All SUPER important things when it comes to relationships.  We’ve talked a lot about standards and boundaries but thought we’d get into more detail about what they actually are. There seems to be some confusion out there so S&M are breaking it down for you! 
Have you been asked if your standards are too high?  Some people might think this is why you’re still single. But what does that even mean??  I have standards for myself, as I should!  People tend to think standards are what you’re looking for in a person – the superficial checklist mentality: tall, dark, and handsome.  Most of these things are extrinsic, not intrinsic – what makes someone a good partner.  These are the types of things that are better related to how you filter potential dates and mates on the surface.
We discuss a better way to filter through the potentials is to know what your standards are.  Standards actually have to do with YOU and not your partner. Standards are actually better aligned with your well-considered dealbreakers that are based on your values and principles that guide the type of relationship you want, desire, and deserve in your life. Yes, we’re talking about dealbreakers yet again! These are essential to know when evaluating your fundamental compatibility with a person. It’s about what’s acceptable and unacceptable to you and can be more factual and fixed rather than flexible. 
Next up is expectations which tend to be rooted in our beliefs.  They can be more fluctuating and subject to emotion.  They can develop, change, or evolve from past experiences or our hopes for the relationship and how each person in the relationship functions within it.  When you have expectations for someone and they don’t meet them we can feel hurt, disappointed, and frustrated. We talk about the importance of making sure someone meets your standards and communicating your expectations as you get to know one another and grow in the early stages of the relationship. 
Then we get to talk about boundaries- yay! When your standards are not being met you can communicate through boundaries. Boundaries are the action aspect of your standards.  Boundaries inform people of how you want to be treated.  You need to know and communicate your preferences, desires, limits, and dealbreakers. It’s about prioritizing yourself!

 The fun stuff:
 
Episode 62- Not Settling

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2154729/15154818

 Episode 2- The Checklist

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2154729/12686824

 Find the checklist here: https://chipper-inventor-8862.ck.page/065afb4a0f

 Terri Cole- the OG Boundary Boss!

https://www.terricole.com

Shannon’s Dating & Relationship Coaching https://www.instagram.com/sagecoachingandhealing/ 

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Lately we’ve found ourselves in some less than desirable situations and, after some self-reflection, we realized we have not been applying our own standards - even compromising some of our dealbreakers - because we wanted to “be open.” We opened ourselves up for sure, but the only thing that really got us was hurt.  So today we’re dropping some gems about not settling!

Settling is compromising on what you want, need, and desire in your life.  It's vital that you’re clear and solid in what your dealbreakers and standards are.  Upholding them should help you not settle although we know that can be challenging especially when chemistry is involved.  We talk about how we justify softening our boundaries and standards and why we do it.  And we also discuss settling for what the other person is willing to give (think situationship, FWB, hooking up) while hoping for more.  Reminder: when you do that, you’re also accepting less than what you want and ultimately de-valuing yourself.  You’re effectively saying, “I don’t deserve what I want and desire.”  Ouch.  

We get into what being open means, getting super clear on what you actually want, and upholding your boundaries.  If the evidence points to no, then why continue giving so many chances and trying to move forward?

We have an interesting conversation about compromise- how it goes both ways, what it means to truly compromise and what that conversation looks like.  It’s not about changing who you are, it’s about coming to an understanding on both sides.  When you don’t do this it most likely will lead to resentment which builds into contempt and that is not a good place to be. 

The biggest gem- saying no faster to people who aren’t a fit for you!  It’s so important to stay in your own integrity rather than holding on to someone who doesn’t meet your standards or respect your boundaries.  And this is not about throwing someone away for the next best thing.  This is about making a healthy assessment of your situation and what’s best for you.  If someone likes you and wants to be with you then they’ll make reasonable concessions.  Period!

 
The goodies:

Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems

https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/

The Four Horsemen: Contempt

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

Shannon’s Dating & Relationship Coaching https://www.instagram.com/sagecoachingandhealing/ 

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

Please support the pod by rating and reviewing us!  This helps others to find us more easily, grow our following, and will allow us to do some titillating things!

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Yay to putting yourself out there!  We talk about the speed dating event we helped support at Artist Block tasting room in Dundee, OR.  We absolutely love the vibe of the place so much that we did a photo shoot there.  It was so much fun to play in such a bright space with beautiful neon colored art everywhere.  It’s kinda like a playroom for adults especially if you indulge in some Woo Juice- yum!

We were so excited to see how open and comfortable everyone was that attended especially since everyone was a speed dating virgin! They all embraced the experience and thoroughly enjoyed it.  Some people even made new friends and went out for drinks afterwards. 

We talk about the benefits of speed dating and differences with traditional dating, trying something new even when you’re nervous, and the importance of communication and conversation (ALWAYS!).  We also talk about the Never Have I Ever bingo game (and the fact that Shannon has no idea if she’s ever been in a police car or not....OMG) and we answer some of the question prompts we created for the mini dates (as usual....get ready haha!)

Thank you so much to everyone who showed up!  We’re both looking forward to offering more in person experiences so, stay tuned!

Goodies we're sharing from the ep-

 Artist Block
https://www.artistblockwine.com

 “Soul Gazing” Is the Difference Between Having Sex and Making Love
https://www.popsugar.co.uk/love/tantric-eye-gazing-48707473

“Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: "Who has earned the right to hear my story?"

- Brené Brown

Follow us https://www.instagram.com/itsalwaysbrunchpod/

Shannon’s Dating & Relationship Coaching https://www.instagram.com/sagecoachingandhealing/ 

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

Please support the pod by rating and reviewing us!  This helps others to find us more easily, grow our following, and will allow us to do some titillating things!

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We’re doing something different this week and recorded after hours and decided to share where we’re both at in dating and what’s alive for us right now.  Buckle up, buttercup!

We haven’t talked about the dating apps in a while.  Megan gives an update on that (spoiler alert- frustration ensues) and we talk about intentional dating and overall respect.  We’ve both had experiences with people that seem self-absorbed lately so we delve into that further and offer our thoughts on why that may be happening (oh, and the importance of self-awareness because how could we not).  And we talk about breaking trust and the repair that needs to happen to be in a healthy relationship. So, lots of topics- we went on an adventure of sorts. 

Then Shannon gets into what it means to be an empath vs having empathy.  We talk about compassion and the 3 strike rule, how hurtful it is when someone’s actions don’t line up with their words, and healing in a relationship.  Which leads us to talk about what we’re both looking for in a relationship.

Megan asks Shannon for her thoughts on speed in a relationship and feeling at peace in a relationship.  We also get into post relationship reflection- the fun stuff!

We threw in a PSA for men- take the chance and ask her out even if you think she’s out of your league!

And we ended talking about an upcoming speed dating event that we’re helping to run.  Update on that coming soon!

Matthew Hussey’s book:
Love Life- How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily (No Matter What)
https://matthewhussey.com/love-life-book/

Follow us https://www.instagram.com/itsalwaysbrunchpod/

Shannon’s Dating & Relationship Coaching https://www.instagram.com/sagecoachingandhealing/ 

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

Please support the pod by rating and reviewing us!  This helps others to find us more easily, grow our following, and will allow us to do some titillating things!

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Dark feminine energy (also referred to as black cat energy) is the shadow side of the divine feminine and is marked by such traits as being mysterious, assertive, authentic, powerful, seductive, and confident.  There are benefits to tapping into the dark feminine but there’s plenty of toxic information out there about what it is and how to wield it to get a man to give you whatever you want. So, today we’re talking about how manipulative and unhealthy this dating advice is.  

For real, these are strategies that women are teaching other women to land a man who will treat you like a princess:

·      Don’t debate or have intellectual convo (ummm, I have a brain up in here)

·      Let things be his ideas and not yours (just….NO)

·      Smile and nod while listening (basically sit there and look pretty)

·      Receive instead of giving (sooo, be a taker)

·      Don’t initiate texting, talking, making plans, etc. (essentially make him chase you)

We’re completely against playing games but there are ways to model healthy behavior in dating to see how the other person will respond- will they step up and show up. Think about what you’re putting out there and what type of person you’ll attract. 

We talk about positive feminine energy responses and behaviors in dating and include some of our own approaches and experiences, of course!

Follow us https://www.instagram.com/itsalwaysbrunchpod/

Shannon’s Dating & Relationship Coaching https://www.instagram.com/sagecoachingandhealing/ 

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

Please support the pod by rating and reviewing us!  This helps others to find us more easily, grow our following, and will allow us to do some titillating things!

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It’s time to beCOME CLITerate! Today S&M are talking about cunnilingus although this episode will benefit both men and women.  It’s the sex ed we never got in school but should have.  The inspo for this convo came from Ian Kerner’s book She Comes First which is a MUST read for everyone.  It has been called the essential guidebook to oral sex and the philosophy for pleasuring women.  And we agree!

Kerner has identified three essential stages- Foreplay, Coreplay, and Moreplay.  And oral isn’t part of foreplay like most people would consider it to be.  Foreplay is all about stimulating other parts of the body.  Her body is wonderland and it’s time to start exploring!  And take your time.  There’s no rush here with any of this.  Coreplay is where oral takes center stage. The book includes diagrams and descriptions of different techniques and positions that work best for women.  We talk about the ones that are less than optimal and how we feel about them.  And then moreplay is all about more orgasms. Yes, please!!!  Need we say more?

We discuss the importance of incorporating fingers into playtime as well as lots of other tips and goodies including taking the time to get to know someone’s body, connecting with each other, enjoying the pleasure palace, and communication (shocker, right?).

So, rev up your engines!

EVERYONE NEEDS THIS BOOK!

She Comes First by Ian Kerner

https://www.harpercollins.com/products/she-comes-first-ian-kerner?variant=32207941861410

Follow us https://www.instagram.com/itsalwaysbrunchpod/

Shannon’s Dating & Relationship Coaching https://www.instagram.com/sagecoachingandhealing/ 

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

Please support the pod by rating and reviewing us!  This helps others to find us more easily, grow our following, and will allow us to do some titillating things!

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 And when you follow us, you’ll receive notifications when the next juicy episode drops- yay!

We have a special guest today- yay!  We are excited to have Sharonda Grandberry with us today.  Sharonda is a full figured model, speaker, author award winning stylist, brand ambassador, and CEO of Pink Throne Styles.  Basically, she’s a total badass!

Sharonda shares her healing journey, growing apart from her husband and breaking their trauma bond, therapy, forgiveness, exiting a 20+ year marriage, a big move to Georgia, and living solo.

Then we talk about dating!  Sharonda talks about her transition into the dating world of apps and Insta DMs!  She’s not shy about asking men if they’ve worked through their traumas and are healing.  We discuss the stigma around therapy, especially for our generation (Gen X!) and how we’re leading the charge now and taking control of our own healing and helping the generation before and after us.  Sharonda also emphasizes the importance of creating a safe space for men to open up and be vulnerable with us and how we need to also have patience and grace with them.

We talk about emotional connection and the importance of sex.  Mmmm, yes, our sex drives are in overdrive in our 40s!  We are more comfortable in our bodies; we know what we want and we’re not settling for anything less than great sex!  Sharonda floats the idea of the maintenance man to get your needs met (*wink wink*).

Oh and there may have been some talk about eggplants- lol!

This was such a fun one for all of us to share our stories, relate, and support one another.  Enjoy!!

All Sharonda’s Links:

https://www.pinkthronestyles.com

https://www.sharondagrandberry.com/

https://www.instagram.com/foreverfashion24_8/

https://www.instagram.com/pinkthronestyle/

https://www.facebook.com/pinkthronestyles/

https://www.tiktok.com/@foreverfashion24_8

 https://twitter.com/pinkthronestyle

 
Diary of a Ready Woman: I don't look like what I've been through because my comeback is better than my setback

 https://www.amazon.com/Diary-Ready-Woman-Through-Comeback/dp/0970717512

 
Follow us https://www.instagram.com/itsalwaysbrunchpod/

Shannon’s Dating & Relationship Coaching https://www.instagram.com/sagecoachingandhealing/ 

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

Please support the pod by rating and reviewing us!  This helps others to find us more easily, grow our following, and will allow us to do some titillating things!

·      Click HERE, scroll to the bottom, tap to rate, and choose to “Write a Review”

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 And when you follow us, you’ll receive notifications when the next juicy episode drops- yay!

It's our One Year Podiversary-yay!! We've managed to consistently deliver this pod every week for a year and are celebrating our dedication and commitment to sharing and helping all of you!
Our mission is to empower women and support men in truly understanding and knowing themselves and each other while navigating relationships and creating the healthy love life they deeply desire. 
We talk about how and why we started, how we’ve evolved, top episodes, countries, and cities, and what’s next for us!

We also got a bit into the healing process.  More to come on another episode!
Then we crush on each other for a bit- lol! 
** Apologies on Megan’s sound- unknown technical difficulties ☹

Links to our fav episodes:

The Apology Series:
Part 1

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-always-brunch-with-megan-shannon/id1679100522?i=1000623925623

Part 2

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-always-brunch-with-megan-shannon/id1679100522?i=1000624647031

Part 3 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-always-brunch-with-megan-shannon/id1679100522?i=1000625407770

The Checklist

 https://www.buzzsprout.com/2154729/12686824
Let's Talk About Safe Sex, Baby!

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2154729/13158118

Follow us https://www.instagram.com/itsalwaysbrunchpod/

Shannon’s Dating & Relationship Coaching https://www.instagram.com/sagecoachingandhealing/ 
Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

Please support the pod by rating and reviewing us!  This helps others to find us more easily, grow our following, and will allow us to do some titillating things!

·      Click HERE, scroll to the bottom, tap to rate, and choose to “Write a Review”

·      Let us know what you love about the pod!

 And when you follow us, you’ll receive notifications when the next juicy episode drops- yay!

S&M start out with a brief recap of the last episode- How to Have Hard Conversations- Part 1 (see link below). 

In Part 2 we get into the importance of the receiver’s comprehension through the use of reflective listening.  Don’t be afraid to ask the other person to summarize what they heard you say.  We’ve all had different life circumstances and experiences that form different realities for each of us which affects how we view the world and ultimately how we receive information.  

We get into validation which is a vital component of healthy and successful relationships. Validation is recognizing and affirming the other person.  It says, “I hear you.”  It is a sign of love, compassion, and respect.  When you validate someone, it doesn’t mean you are agreeing with them.  It’s about how THEY feel and think which is absolutely real for them.  Validation helps to build trust and create a safe space to be able to share.  We take you through examples of validating and invalidating responses, and how to respond to the latter. 

Then we get into triggers- yaaaayyyy.   Seriously though, triggers are a big one and we all have them.  We all have a past and when we enter into a relationship, we take on the other person’s past as well as their present as you’re building a future together.  Therefore it’s important to understand both your triggers and your partner’s triggers.  And it’s your responsibility to have strategies to manage your own triggers, to share them with your partner, and to work through them.                        

What happens if a hard conversation goes sideways?  Don’t continue to spin.  We discuss realizing when you need to take a break to regulate yourself and the importance of coming back to it at an agreed upon time.  It’s also key to do some self-reflection of what did and didn’t work so you don’t spin again when you come back together.

And if none of this is working for you, please seek professional help.  Call Shannon 😊

How to Have Hard Conversations- Part 1
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2154729/14816938

Psychology in Seattle with Dr. Kirk Honda: Love Is Blind - Borderline Abuse- Season 6  - Therapist Reacts Playlist
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLoLeO9hEEd_DDiypdsrRO4NqO-4CaoLfv

How to Respond When Someone Has Invalidated Your Feelings
https://www.melbournewellbeinggroup.com.au/the-wellbeing-blog/how-to-respond-when-someone-has-invalidated-your-feelings

Book rec:
I Hear You by Michael Sorensen https://michaelssorensen.com/i-hear-you-book/

Follow us https://www.instagram.com/itsalwaysbrunchpod/

Shannon’s Dating & Relationship Coaching https://www.instagram.com/sagecoachingandhealing/ 

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

Please support the pod by rating and reviewing us!  This helps others to find us more easily, grow our following, and will allow us to do some titillating things!

·      Click HERE, scroll to the bottom, tap to rate, and choose to “Write a Review”

·      Let us know what you love about the pod!

 And when you follow us

Today we tackle a pretty big topic- how to have hard conversations….yikes!  

Never fear S&M are here to break it all down into digestible pieces to help you with your next hard convo.

·       Why is it so hard to have difficult conversations? 
We talk about different fears that contribute to why it feels so hard to communicate how you’re feeling. 

·       Why is it so important to have them?
Coach Shannon sums it up perfectly- You either have difficult conversations or difficult relationships.  Choose one.

·       Why should we NOT avoid them? 
Resentment and contempt= SUPER unhealthy

·       How do I have a difficult conversation?  What do I need to know? 
We talk about what we recommend to prep before the convo.

·       How do I manage the conversation? 
We discuss being clear, honest, and respectful as well as choosing your words wisely and staying on track.

Stay tuned for Part 2 where we’ll dive into validation and triggers and what happens if things go sideways.  

From The Gottman Institute- The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Follow us https://www.instagram.com/itsalwaysbrunchpod/

Shannon’s Dating & Relationship Coaching https://www.instagram.com/sagecoachingandhealing/ 

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

Please support the pod by rating and reviewing us!  This helps others to find us more easily, grow our following, and will allow us to do some titillating things!

·      Click HERE, scroll to the bottom, tap to rate, and choose to “Write a Review”

·      Let us know what you love about the pod!

 And when you follow us, you’ll receive notifications when the next juicy episode drops- yay!