Can you catch cancer?  How about OCD?  

You or really anyone else won’t catch cancer or OCD.  So relax.  

But first…

Nurse Sonja brings up a delicate personnel matter with Miss Mary Indigo.  Dr. Ross has to put on his superintendent hat because Miss Indigo inexplicably wants to take a day off, and that sort of thing isn’t tolerated at Psych Ward.  You know how it is. Eschatology and all that. 

What to do if you catch cancer:

The good Doctor then saves his mom from catching cancer.  He learned how to fix people that catch cancer at Delgado.  They don’t just let anyone with a pencil in there.  You really have to know your stuff, but you should also bring a pencil just in case.

Let’s review the three types of Cognitive Therapy:

1. Plain-old Cognitive Therapy
2. The lesser-known Cognitive Spatial Therapy
3. And then there’s Cognitive Thary.  T-H-A-R-Y

OCD?  Don’t worry because Dr. Ross is here.

This week’s patient, Dean Martin, is an obsessive shower taker.  You know how it is with DSM-IV, right?  He happened to catch OCD when he turned 36.  Dr. Ross calls him to see if he’s feeling OK and not taking fish oil again.  That’ll make your OCD flare up.

Dr. Ross’ girlfriend broke up with him.  She wants to be friends, but she was born without any phalanges.  He doesn’t want to be friends with someone like that because who would?

OK, we’ll hang up and listen.  Go ahead.

Resources:

1. DSM-IV Made Easy Book- https://amzn.to/2m5wxcW
2. DSM-IV Classification- https://bit.ly/2mrwecF
3. Fish Oil- https://amzn.to/2nsEWaK
4. No Days Off Bracelets- https://amzn.to/2m2lvoQ
5. Basic Guide to Eschatology Book- https://amzn.to/2m46ino
6. Cognitive Therapy Book- https://amzn.to/2ltGfFY
7. What is Cognitive Therapy- https://bit.ly/2hGmOEt
8. Phalanges- https://etsy.me/2lIBxEr

Want more Psych ward?  Click here and dive right in.  Also, check out some of the other cool shows we make here at It’s New Orleans.

 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Dr Ross and Nurse Sonja Watkins discuss Trichotillomania and interview several patients.  Dr Ross shares his near-death experience with an aggressive pigeon at Winn-Dixie.

Before we get to the Trichotillomania calls, let’s check in with you.

Are you OK?  Maybe you should take off your jumpsuit and lay down on the table and let Dr Ross and Nurse Sonja take a good, long look at your medulla oblongata.  

Dr Ross saves a 9 year old kid from being a victim of Polio.  Stay away from the Pearl River unless you want to become a Polio person.  

Have you seen Dr Ross’ eyelashes?  Please put them in a Ziploc bag so that you don’t catch Rispoli.  Call the hotline and give us the coordinates of the bag, because we can send someone over with a gurney to pick that up.

Patient phone calls:

Rebecca is on the line.  Dr Ross takes 3000mg of valium and then he takes her call.  Rebecca developed Trichotillomania at 12.  She shares her story with us and patiently listens to Dr. Ross.

Jennifer calls in and gives us her background.  After we confirm that she has a uterus, she talks about having Trichotillomania for 20 years.  That’s a long time to suffer with it, so Dr. Ross wants to go ahead and treat her.  He might also treat himself.  After all, Dr. Ross is the patient, doctor, and superintendent at Psych Ward.

We’ll hang up and listen.

Resources:

1. Jump Suit- https://amzn.to/2ltMxW4
2. Polio Book- https://amzn.to/2m7KzuP
3. Eyelashes- https://amzn.to/2m4uJB6
4. Ziplock Bags- https://amzn.to/2mY91ig
5. Rispoli: Sopranos Boxed Set DVDs- https://amzn.to/2m4xa6I
6. Valium Coffee Cup- https://amzn.to/2n4LUCx
7. Uterus Plush- https://amzn.to/2nzR8qh

Want more Psych ward?  Click here and dive right in.  Also, check out some of the other cool shows we make here at It’s New Orleans.

 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Lunar Lunacy.  Does the moon drive people crazy?  You bet your sweet coccyx it does.

Lunar Lunacy is a thing, but how does the moon affect all your bodily fluids?  Dr. Ross Shields answers this and other questions not answered in the American Psychiatric Journal of Medicine.

Meet Phillip Mansario:

First patient: Phillip Mansario from San Diego. The moon really messed with him.  As a Maritime Officer in Shipping, Mr. Mansario faces constant exposure to the moon.  Despite not having a vagina, Dr. Ross suspects Premenstrual Syndrome.  After debunking that, he considers the magnitude of the effects of a full moon on the patient’s bodily fluids.  Symptoms: runs faster, jump higher, a heightened sense of smell, and improved sight, non-verbal communication with animals and some mild levitation.  Some growling and sniffing and what have you.  Nothing sexual.

Mr. Mansario’s cats seem to feel the effects of Lunar Lunacy.  They act like a-holes when the moon is full.

Dr. Ross recommends a full-body fluid transfusion.  Drain everything, then step into the hyperbaric chamber filled with CO2 and gasoline.  Simple.

Second patient: Frank Zalotkis.

This accountant works for the LDS Church.  He looks for loopholes so that the Church can keep all the money they can (praise Jesus).  He habitually steals things during a full moon–predominantly chocolate pudding and/or Trojans-brand condoms (3 pack, if available).  Although the stealing has helped his marriage, he needs help with this affliction.

Dr. Ross and Nurse Sonja suggest administering the typical protocol: study patient for the night, intense therapy, drain fluids before 7:35 pm on the evening of a full moon, hold the fluids overnight, then return them to the patient the next morning.  Also suggested: going to a convention.  That might help.  Also, reporting this to the H and R department is probably a good idea.

Resources:

1. Moon Light- https://amzn.to/2nxKAII
2. Lunacy and the full moon- https://bit.ly/2lxeFCM
3. Trojan Condoms- https://amzn.to/2lSxci5
4. Chocolate Pudding- https://amzn.to/2nD2PN3
5. Fluid Drain Pan- https://amzn.to/2lVBh58
6. Ex-Lax- https://amzn.to/2lV6S73
7. Arrest Proof Yourself Book- https://amzn.to/2lp3u3O
8. Fish Net Stockings- https://amzn.to/2n5HZFB
9. Pretend Cop Badge- https://amzn.to/2n5IDD1

Want more Psych ward?  Click here and dive right in.  Also, check out some of the other cool shows we make here at It’s New Orleans.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Would you like to know how to quit smoking?

Dr. Ross Shields can help you start stopping.  If you want to quit smoking, just understand that you can’t stop without starting to stop.  No one knows this more than Dr. Ross.  Let us pray.

Whether you smoke 2 packs a day or 14 packs a day, Dr. Ross can help.  He himself is a smoker, so he gets it.  His secret: he inhales the smoke into his diaphragm, not his lungs.

Before he begins, Dr. Ross talks about the Bentley he bought in LaJolla.

He uses it for family camping, even though he doesn’t have kids in this dimension.  It’s more for inter-dimensional camping.

And now, Dr. Ross tells you how to quit smoking:

In as little as 3 hours, 10 minutes and 2 seconds, Dr. Ross can cure you of smoking, even if you have been smoking poison ivy.  He uses a 12-step program, and he shares steps 1, 2, 3 and 9 with you today.  His video can be purchased for $8.99.99, times tax times 10.

He addresses third-hand smoke, which is when smoke gets stuck to your clothes.  Spray n’ Wash isn’t strong enough to overcome it.

Patient one: Dan Scarabino.  Dan smokes 14 packs a day.

Patient two: Reverend Hibachi.  He’s worked with Tony Robbins, Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, Sgt. Alfred, Keanu Reeves, and Hannah Montana.  He’s read the Bible 17 times.  He started smoking at 8 years old.  As a preacher, he would smoke at the pulpit.  His congregation didn’t appreciate that, so he turned to Dr. Ross for help.

Resources

1. Feathers- https://amzn.to/2lFiWsH
2. Easy Way To Stop Smoking Book- https://amzn.to/2nfDYi3
3. 13 ways to quit- https://wb.md/2j4iXRL
4. Bible- https://amzn.to/2njzbfm
5. Now and Later- https://amzn.to/2nRJOXb
6. How to Pray Book- https://amzn.to/2nlf2Wj
7. Camping Tent- https://amzn.to/2necVDO
8. Poison Ivy Scrub- https://amzn.to/2ndW18m
9. Spray and Wash- https://amzn.to/2lIV73p
10. Dan Akroyd My Girl Movie- https://amzn.to/2mmhewN
11. Tony Robbins Book Set- https://amzn.to/2mcAJIh
12. Bill Murray Window Decal- https://amzn.to/2lIZc7J
13. Keanu Reeves Sequin Throw Pillow- https://amzn.to/2lIZLyn
14. Hannah Montana Costume- https://amzn.to/2nMLuRJ
15. Preacher Costume- https://amzn.to/2lJ1a87

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

So you want to legally buy a gun.

Can you legally buy a gun if you are mentally ill?  No.  Very sorry.  It’s not going to be possible.  One gun salesman suggests trying Arizona.  He informs us that you can, however, buy ammo.  Does that help?

Dr. Ross really needs this gun.  He fears for his life.  Sure, the fears are probably irrational, but having a gun would make him feel better.  But, it isn’t in the cards for him. He is, after all, not only the Doctor and Superintendent of Psych Ward.  He’s also the Patient.

You don’t have to own a beaver to get some help from Dr Ross, but it could help.

Meet Dr. Sonja:

Dr Ross hires Nurse Sonja, who suffers from Major General Depression and Hypersomnia, as his co-host.  He feels pretty good about all the medications she has been taking.

Caller one: “Sir”.  That’s his name.  “Sir”.  He wasn’t very helpful, and Dr. Ross doesn’t appreciate it.

Caller two: some guy at a gun shop in Alabama.  More helpful, but not helpful.

Caller three: Jennifer Fuqua calls in.  She’s bipolar.  She doesn’t own a firearm.  She probably should, but she can’t.  Mainly because she’s bipolar.

One more thing:

Want more Psych ward?  Click here and dive right in.  Also, check out some of the other cool shows we make here at It’s New Orleans.

Resources

1. Bipolar Disorder Survival Kit- https://amzn.to/2nPfvAm
2. Bipolar Disorder MayClinic- https://mayocl.in/2BGRheD
3. Hurricane Katrina Book- https://amzn.to/2mqwSau
4. Cancer Plush- https://amzn.to/2lIshA1
5. Cat Butt Coasters- https://amzn.to/2nnSiF9

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Former New Orleans Radio DJ (WZRH 106.1 The Zephyr) Ross Shields opens up about Bipolar Disorder, Cancer, Hurricane Katrina, and living with Don, his cat who has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Before getting to the Bipolar Disorder stuff, meet Ross Shields:

Selling shoes isn’t easy in Louisiana.  It might be the humidity or it might not.  Shields is neither a Meteorologist nor a Podiatrist.  Despite these challenges, he chased his dream of being a shoe salesman in Louisiana.  When that didn’t work out, he took a job as a disc jockey at an Alternative Rock radio station in New Orleans.  He then moved on to a job at 91X, a San Diego radio station, where he enjoyed talking to all manner of real and imaginary people on the air.

Then illness took over.

As Ross lost touch with what was real on and off the radio, he began abusing drugs and alcohol.  The combination of the mental illness and substances proved to be too much for him to continue with his career.  He became less interested in playing records on the radio, and more interested in devoting his time to two of his passions: crushing his own skull with a jackhammer, and pulling out his fingernails with pliers.  Normal stuff.

Then he moved back to Louisiana.  Then cancer came along.  Then Katrina hit, and it was difficult for Ross to receive medical care.  All he had was his illness and his cat Don, who struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder.

After years away from radio, Ross decided to open the doors to Psych Ward.  “Dr. Ross” is the Doctor, the Patient, and the Superintendent.  Check yourself into Psych Ward and let Dr. Ross take a good, long look at your dendrites.  Ross will use his lack of clarity to dispense advice to people, be they real or imaginary.  Or both.

Want more Psych ward?  Click here and dive right in.  Also, check out some of the other cool shows we make here at It’s New Orleans.

Resources:

1. Hurricane Katrina Book- https://amzn.to/2mqwSau
2. Cancer Plush- https://amzn.to/2lIshA1
3. Cat Butt Coasters- https://amzn.to/2nnSiF9

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.