Satan goes to AA! Satan is now a high school freshman with a taste for Appletinis! See Satan audition for the glee club singing Carole King, suck a gin out of a watermelon really fast so that nobody else can get a taste, and kill a horse by riding it into route 66!

SWF-Niece of Jane Fonda looking for roommate. Professional preferred, must make me tea, answer all my phone calls, and know that my haircut has a copyright license. Dog throwing skills a must.

Let HGTV help you transform your home with 150 pictures of the same house over and over, inspiration for interior design by sucking the life out of each family member. Let us bring back to life your 19th-century, decrepit home decor by sucking the life out of you! House may or may not include a 300-year-old corpse that you may or may not have to leave a tray outside of its three times a day.

Wanted: Dead or Alive! Criminal posing as beautician who attacked Barbra Steisand, giving her hairstyle that made her look like an idiot. Warning: May be armed with processing lotion, neutralizer and perm rods.

Meet Jeff Nelson, the main behind the influential Instagram account @jeffreymixed and the more adult @jeffreymixedpart2. Jeff is a Senior Marketing Director at the home entertainment horror label Scream Factory, and an expert in all things retro, camp and pop culture.

Opening tonight on Broadway at the Shubert Theatre, singing her heart out like a like a caveman with bronchitis, like a Honda without a muffler, like a guard dog with a tracheotomy, is Lauren Bacall. With a wardrobe that will make you want to order The Bedazzler and a heroine WAY scarier than the villain, "The Fan" will blow you like a chorus boy.

Now available on record, 8-track or cassette! Greatest hits of Saturday night fever:

1. Stayin' Alive (barely) 2. Night Fever (an STD from the gang rape in the car) 3. How Deep is Your Love (I can't feel anything because I'm dead inside).

Dance to the Disco Inferno (because L. Ron Hubbard sets you on fire if you're gay!) Check, money order or COD.

It's the hard-knock life- when you- Find your orphan's thirty-two. No one's havin' any fun- 'steada babies - there's a gun -

Miss Hannigan is dead. Sandy ran away and so should you. Little Orphan Esther and her teeth are moving in.

WANTED: Woman with 17-inch forehead and Rick Springfield wig, for nearly ruining movie with Oscar-winning performance by Charlize Theron. Other alias are Campbell's Soup Twin or Christina Ricci. A movie about a love affair between a serial killer and a monster.

Do you know where you're going to? Diana Ross learns that success is NOTHING without someone you love to f*ck it up. Mahogany: Be a model or just look like one, with 475 costume changes, 16,409 wigs and Norman Bates. Watch it with your straight-guy crush. It'll turn him gay.