Dr. Jeffrey Kopin, Chief Medical Officer for Northwestern Medicine Lake Forest Hospital, joins John Williams to talk about when COVID became real for him as a health care professional, child vaccination rates falling, if it’s too late to get a flu vaccine, and why you should get a COVID vaccine if you are older or immunocompromised.

The great author and Sun-Times columnist Neil Steinberg joins John Williams to talk about his column remembering the five year anniversary of COVID coming to Chicago. When do you recall first hearing or worrying about COVID?

Eric Zorn, Publisher of The Picayune Sentinel, joins John Williams to talk about Chicago possibly lowering the default speed limit from 30 to 25, the effort to raise the age for mandatory road tests to 87 for older drivers, and if he believes that people with felony convictions should be barred from holding elected office.

John Williams brings you another round of Speed Jokes. Keep sending yours to [email protected].

The great Mr. Fix-It, Lou Manfredini, joins John Williams to tell us the projects we need to be working on this week. Lou gives us some tips to keep your house comfortable during this cold snap. Lou, as always, answers all of your home improvement questions.

Listen to HouseSmarts Radio on WGN each Saturday morning at 6 am.

John Williams brings you another round of Speed Jokes. Keep sending yours to [email protected]. Joining John in-studio today is WGN Radio’s own Michael Piff, who helps John kick off our Best Speed Jokes of 2024 Bracket Challenge. Vote for your favorite joke of 2024 here.

Last year we launched the inaugural Best Speed Jokes Tournament, sponsored by Team Hochberg, with more than 10,000 votes casted as 16 of John Williams’ favorite jokes faced off. This year, the Best Speed Jokes Tournament returns with 2024’s best 16 Speed Jokes, as selected by John, Pete Zimmerman and Speed Jokes expert and WGN Radio listener Marge Sipla – and your chance to win a coveted Speed Jokes mug!

Graphic by Michael Piff / WGN Radio. Speed Jokes logo art by David Lee Csicsko

[UPDATED]

WGN Radio listeners voted for their favorite jokes to advance round-by-round, from January 13th to January 17th. Below are the results from each round after voting.

By voting, you registered for a chance to win a coveted Speed Jokes mug. A random winner will be selected as we announce the Best Speed Jokes of 2024 Champion.

Guy sees a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” He goes in and says to the dog, “What have you done with your life?” And the dog says, “Well, I’ve had a very full life. I lived in the Alps and rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in the war, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” And the guys is flabbergasted. He says to the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you wanna get rid of an incredible dog like this?” And the owner says, “Because he’s a liar. He never did any of those things.”

So I was trying on a pair of shoes, and I said to the salesperson, “These are a little too tight.” And then she told me to try it with the tongue out, so I said “It’s no good. It’s still too tight.” (say last line with your tongue out)

Spring is here! Spring is here! I’m so excited, I wet my plants.

“John, can you describe yourself in three words?”
“Yes. Lazy.”

“I met a microbiologist yesterday.“
“Yeah?“
“She was much bigger than I thought.“

“Oxygen and Potassium went on a date last night.“
“How’d it go?“
“Okay, but then oxygen hooked up with Magnesium and I was like O-Mg!“

A Frenchman walks into a café with a parrot on his shoulder. Guy in a café says, “Where’d you get that thing?” The parrot says, “In France. They’ve got a million of them.”

Two hotdogs get married. It’s their wedding night and one hotdog turns to the other and says, “Are we gonna use a condiment?”

Why aren’t dogs permitted in bars? Because they can’t control their licker.

A bunch of chess pieces are in a van going down the road. The knight piece is driving erratically. The cop pulls him over and says, “Step outside and walk a straight line.” And the knight’s like, “Uh oh.”

I went skydiving for the first time yesterday. The guy strapped himself to me. We jumped out of the plane and as we were falling to earth, he yelled, “So how long have you been an instructor?”

Three skunks are walking down a street together when they come to an intersection.
Skunk #1 says, “My instincts tell me to go left.”
Skunk #2 says, “My instincts tell me to go right.”
Skunk #3 says, “Hey, my end stinks too, but it doesn’t talk to me.”

Guy walks into a bar and hears, “You look great! Have you lost weight?” He looks around and no one’s there. A minute later, he hears, “Hey handsome, you don’t look a day over 30.” He sees no one. Bartender comes over and says, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”

I’ll bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese

I think I’ve put on some weight lately. When I butt dial, it’s now a conference call.

A pirate walks into a bar with a big ship’s wheel down his pants. The bartender says, “Excuse me, sir. Do you know you’ve got a big ship’s wheel down your pants?” The pirate says, “Aargh, it’s driving me nuts.”

TUNE IN to the John Williams Show to hear more about the Best Speed Jokes of 2024 Tournament, and new Speed Jokes Monday through Friday from 10 AM to 2 PM.

Craig Bolanos, Founder and Wealth Advisor at VestGen Wealth Partners, joins John Williams to talk about why today’s terrific labor report is bad for the market today, what this means for a long-term investor, how the Fed will react to this data, how many rate hikes he expects next year, his thoughts on cryptocurrency, and the hot areas to invest in right now.

Andrew Van Dam, columnist at the Department of Data, The Washington Post, joins John Williams to tell us what the data reveals about the breakdown of household chores between men and women. John also takes your calls and text about the division of household chores.

Enjoy this edition of “The Best of Speed Jokes.” What was your favorite joke of the week? Keep sending your jokes to [email protected]!