Hari Om
Taking a lesson from a morning read of Mary Oliver, and recalling from it a life-lesson that I have carried since age 12, I am reminded that a small shift leads to great changes. Think of how a small shift in steering your vehicle may lead you to an entirely different place on the road. This is true as well with small changes in how we sit, how we hold our body upright or slouched, how we breathe, or even how we think about something. The slight shift in thought will eventually lead to a shift in beliefs, and a shift in a way of being. This is true whether it is intentional or not, so keeping this in mind allows us to either have agency or to feel like a victim of circumstance.
In the poem “How Would You Live Then?” we are charged with considering how a slight change in thought or perspective would change our view of what is valuable in our world. It is a worthy challenge to rise to.
How Would You Live Then?
What if a hundred rose-breasted grosbeaksflew in circles around your head? What ifthe mockingbird came into the house with you andbecame your advisor? What ifthe bees filled your walls with honey and allyou needed to do was ask them and they would fillthe bowl? What if the brook slid downhill justpast your bedroom window so you could listento its slow prayers as you fell asleep? What ifthe stars began to shout their names, or to runthis way and that way above the clouds? What ifyou painted a picture of a tree, and the leavesbegan to rustle, and a bird cheerfully sangfrom its painted branches? What if you suddenly sawthat the silver of water was brighter than the silver of money? What if you finally sawthat the sunflowers, turning toward the sun all dayand every day – who knows how, but they do it – weremore precious, more meaningful than gold?
Mary Oliver ‘Blue Iris: Poems and Essays’ Penguin Random House, 2006
The poet here asks us to consider that what we have been taught to be of value may not be as valuable to you as what you can experience in this moment, even when that moment may be a flit into imagination. How would this shift change the entire way you live? Just think of the possibilities if you were to practice that level of presence!
I recall an experience I had doing this work in the past for another employer. This was the first time I had been doing the work I love under the authority of another organization. I have been doing this type of work in my life for some time, so I knew I was comfortable with many things that may make others uncomfortable, and in the work of deep listening and compassionate companioning, being able to sit with the uncomfortable is key. So I excelled at this work in the eyes of my supervisors. In short time I was working with many people each day, both in individual sessions and in groups. I began receiving accolades from management as well as co-workers and participants. It felt really good. Then an external shift occurred that I was not expecting, and my resistance arrived with force.
I was tasked with opening a new facility, and in doing so lost the ability to sit in one-to-one sessions. This means I was not receiving daily accolades and getting that fix of being “the helper”. Of course I didn’t recognize at first that the feelings of resentment which were brewing inside were 100% my ego being deprived of its daily hit. Instead, I told myself that “this isn’t the job I signed up for”, and “they are really wasting a valuable employee” by putting me into this position. It was them that were the problem. They were in the wrong. Quickly I found it difficult to do the work I was assigned, and began to feel sick more often, too tired to be joyful at work, and calling out more frequently. I went from “finding my calling” to “just not fitting in here” in a matter of a few short weeks. All of this, by the way, occurred internally and was uninformed by anyone else, had no outside perspective by which to shift, and was entirely the workings of my addiction to being perceived as what I thought made me worthy of love. This was no one else’s doing. There was no them. Just me and my unchecked emotional dysregulation.
Then I stopped for a moment. All it took was stopping my thought storm for just a few breaths in my car on the drive to work. In a moment I was feeling into the immense discomfort in my body, the tightness in my belly, the inability to release my breath in my chest, the clenching of my jaw, and I understood that all of this anger, this resentment, this vitriol, was coming from within. I was the them. I was torturing myself with a set of beliefs. I had placed all of my self-worth in the hands of others praising me, believing myself to be worthless when I could not perform. It was an aha moment and led to a massive shift in my life that began as a small shift in the awareness of my breath. By the time I arrived at work, I had found that joy that was so present in me in the first months of working this job, and I sat alone in an office where no one would praise me, and I was happy to be there.
I eventually left that organization to work with an organization that aligns well with my values, and to build Journey Home Support Services, from where I am sitting and writing this post.
Small shifts at the center create massive change along the path.
All In Love,
Michael
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