Just a Minute with Dr Kumari

🎃 Can You Bury a Thought? Why Unwanted Thoughts Keep Coming Back

Have you ever tried desperately not to think about something, only to find that the thought keeps coming back?

Perhaps it's an embarrassing conversation, a painful memory, an unanswered message, or something you wish you could simply forget.

In this Halloween special of Just a Minute with Dr Kumari, we're exploring why some thoughts seem determined to rise from the grave!

Drawing on psychological research into thought suppression, rumination and intrusive thoughts — including the famous white bear experiment — Dr Kumari, Clinical Psychologist, Aotearoa, New Zealand, explores what happens when we try to push unwanted thoughts out of our minds.

We'll explore:

Why trying not to think about something can sometimes make it return

The difference between thought suppression and rumination

Why emotionally significant memories can be particularly persistent

How our attempts to control thoughts can sometimes increase our distress

Five evidence-informed ways to respond differently to unwanted thoughts

You'll also be invited to try a short mindfulness exercise and reflect on your own relationship with difficult thoughts.

Because perhaps the answer isn't to bury our thoughts at all.

Perhaps it's learning that we don't have to believe, solve or fight every thought that appears.

A little reminder: Just because a thought comes back doesn't mean you have to follow it.

🎧 Take a few minutes for yourself and join me for this Halloween special of Just a Minute with Dr Kumari.

What If I Make the Wrong Decision? — Certainty, Control and Perfectionism

Have you ever made a decision, only to find yourself questioning it over and over again? Or hesitated to make a decision? 

Sometimes the hardest part of making a decision isn't choosing between the options. It's accepting that we can't know exactly how things will turn out.

In this episode of Just a Minute with Dr Kumari, clinical psychologist Dr Kumari Valentine explores why uncertainty can feel so uncomfortable, how perfectionism and fear of mistakes can keep us stuck, and why overthinking can become an attempt to control the future, perhaps based on experiences we have had.

Drawing on psychological research into intolerance of uncertainty, perfectionism and decision-making, we explore the difference between making a poor decision and experiencing a disappointing outcome.

You'll also learn four gentle questions to help you move from endless deliberation towards making thoughtful, good-enough decisions.

Perhaps the goal isn't to make decisions we'll never regret, but to learn to trust ourselves to navigate whatever comes next.

Why Can't I Stop Overthinking Even When I'm Exhausted?

Have you ever been completely exhausted, yet found yourself unable to switch off your thoughts?

You replay conversations, worry about tomorrow, or revisit things that happened years ago. You know you're overthinking, but somehow you can't stop.

In this episode of Just a Minute with Dr Kumari, clinical psychologist Dr Kumari Valentine explores the fascinating relationship between overthinking, stress and the body.

Drawing on psychological research into rumination, sleep deprivation and the body's stress response, we explore how repetitive thinking can prolong physiological stress — and how being stressed or exhausted can make it harder to step away from our thoughts.

We'll also consider why overthinking can become a way of trying to feel safe, particularly when we've experienced prolonged stress or trauma.

Most importantly, we'll explore some gentle, practical ways to interrupt the cycle.

Because sometimes, we don't need to think harder. We need to care for ourselves differently.

Why Do I Overthink Whether People Like Me?

Do you reread messages, analyse someone’s tone, or worry you’ve upset them after a conversation?

In this episode of Just a Minute with Dr Kumari, clinical psychologist Dr Kumari Valentine explores the connection between rejection sensitivity and rumination—and why uncertainty about our relationships can keep us overthinking.

Drawing on research by Downey and Feldman, Pearson and colleagues, and a 2026 meta-analysis, we explore how anticipating rejection may contribute to repetitive thinking. We also consider an important distinction: acknowledging genuine hurt while staying curious about what an interaction means.

Following last week’s episode on journalling, this episode offers a brief reflective practice to separate what happened from what we fear it means, recognise our feelings and needs, and choose a kind, useful next step.

Psychological science, with a little bit of magic.

Research mentioned:

Downey & Feldman (1996): https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.6.1327

Journaling is often recommended  — but what if writing things down sometimes keeps us stuck?

In this episode, clinical psychologist Dr Kumari Valentine explores the difference between processing and rumination, drawing on the work of James Pennebaker and Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. We look at how journaling can become “overthinking on paper” when we stay fused with our thoughts, analyse rather than name our emotions, or use the page as another place to criticise ourselves.

You’ll learn how to notice whether your writing is actually helping something move — and how perspective, emotion and self-compassion can make journaling more useful.

Try the free One-Minute Overthinking Check-In to help you recognise when your thinking is taking you somewhere — and when you’re simply going around again. It is available here: https://justaminutewithdrkumari.substack.com/p/why-do-we-overthink?r=5fseg6&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

Why is it so easy to replay an awkward conversation for hours — but so hard to stay with a lovely moment for more than a few seconds?

In this lighter episode of Just a Minute, Dr Kumari explores the other side of rumination: our ability to linger on positive experiences. We look at the psychology of savouring, why we sometimes dampen joy before we've really felt it, and what positive emotions may be doing for our minds and bodies.

This isn't about forcing yourself to “think positive” or ignoring difficult feelings. It's about noticing something much simpler: do the difficult moments get hours of your attention, while the good ones get seconds?

You already know how to dwell. Perhaps it's worth becoming a little more careful about what you choose to dwell on.

🎧 Take a minute. Let something good linger.

Why do some conversations continue in our minds long after they have ended?

In this episode, Dr Kumari explores rumination as a relational process. We may replay conversations because we are searching for the understanding, reassurance or emotional validation that was missing from the original interaction—particularly when we struggle to validate our own feelings.

Drawing on research by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Christopher Davis and Amanda Rose, this episode considers why people who ruminate may seek more support yet experience others as less supportive or more critical. It also explores co-rumination: how repeatedly analysing problems together can create genuine closeness while also increasing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

You’ll learn:

why emotionally unfinished conversations remain active in the mind

the difference between reflection and rumination

how to identify the validation you are still seeking

when action, repair or a boundary may be needed

a brief practice for stepping out of the replay and returning to yourself

You do not have to prove that your emotion was justified before you are allowed to acknowledge it.

📄 Download the free Coming Back to Yourself resource here

✍️ Read an accompanying Substack piece.

If this episode brings up significant distress, trauma or concerns about an unsafe relationship, consider seeking support from a suitably qualified professional.

Why Do I Overthink Everything?

Why does your mind replay conversations, search for certainty, and circle the same question without ever reaching an answer?

In the first episode of our Overthinking Series, Dr Kumari explores why overthinking happens, the difference between productive reflection and rumination, and how repetitive thinking can become the mind’s attempt to protect us from uncertainty.

It is important to acknowledge the pioneering work of clinical psychologist Professor Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, whose research explored rumination as one important, changeable pathway in understanding women’s greater vulnerability to depression.

Plus, download the free One-Minute Overthinking Check-In to practise noticing the loop without judging yourself: https://justaminutewithdrkumari.substack.com/p/why-do-we-overthink?r=5fseg6&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

A Father’s Day bonus episode

Why can our dad’s opinion still matter so much — even when we’re well and truly grown up?

In this special Father’s Day episode of Just a Minute, Dr Kumari Valentine explores how our relationships with our fathers can shape the way we see ourselves, seek approval and respond to criticism.

We look at the small messages we absorb in childhood — about achievement, emotions, being “good enough” and what we need to do to feel accepted — and how these can sometimes show up later as perfectionism, people-pleasing, self-criticism or overthinking.

This isn’t an episode about blaming fathers. Some dads loved through words; others through providing, fixing, teaching, showing up or simply doing the best they could with what they themselves had been given. We can understand a father’s story and still acknowledge what we needed.

And because this is Just a Minute, there’s a gentle one-minute practice at the heart of the episode:

What did you most need to hear from your dad?

And what might change if you began offering yourself a little more of that message now?

Father’s Day can hold love, gratitude, grief, disappointment and complicated feelings — sometimes all at once. This episode makes room for all of them.

🎁 Free companion reflection: The Words I Needed to Hear

https://justaminutewithdrkumari.substack.com/p/just-a-minute-bonus-episode-fathers?r=5fseg6&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

And if needing other people’s approval tends to leave you replaying conversations, second-guessing yourself or wondering whether you’ve done enough, stay with me. We’ll be exploring overthinking — and what actually helps — throughout the next episodes of Just a Minute.

Small moments can make a meaningful difference. ❤️