Greetings, Bonjour, What’s Happening?
Welcome to Lager Time. What’s been going on? It’s been a mad week. Last night, we had the Out Here show at the Institute of Contemporary Arts. It’s with a group of young people I co-lead with a director called Catherine Palmer, for an organisation called Dream Arts in London. We’ve been developing this show with this group over the last year.
We’ve worked with over 50 young people within this project, most of which are coming from pretty-tough circumstances and had never done anything like this before.
They thought we were nuts when we told them back last year we were doing a show. It was mad ambitious. We got them acting, rapping, dancing and singing – and most of them, English is not their first language. But they smashed it, mate.
The main room at the Institute of Contemporary Arts was packed and the audience loved it. Of course, there was a few mistakes on stage here and there but they dealt with it and moved on. Just like professionals do.
It was a great project for me to work on, I got to facilitate the sessions as well as write the script and produce the soundtrack – all done through a loop station, triggered live during the show by one of the young guys.
Doing this type of work, it’s almost impossible to avoid making cheesy sentimental statements about the whole thing but it can get really emotional. Some of the journeys these guys have been are genuinely incredible. We gave them all certificates at the end, on the stage, and at one point I was struggling to hold it together. Makes it all worthwhile.
It’s the first project I’ve done like this, since we came out the pandemic and it’s wiped me out a bit but I’m glad of it. I’m off up to Manchester tonight, to work on a similar project at Contact Theatre then next week things slow down a bit, so I can focus on that livestream I keep going on about. Looking forward to having a kip
In 2015, I released an EP of stories called The 90 Sick EP. I worked with a great producer called Elian Gray, who scored the soundtrack to it. I was really proud of it. I never managed to sell to many CD’s or get a great deal of streams but I was happy that it existed and could be accessed. Initially I regretted putting it out as an EP and thought I should’ve done it as a podcast but after 6 years, I’m glad it exists online and anyone can go and stream it anytime they want.
I had an email off the CD distributor saying they wanted to get rid of my excess stock, so I got the last few CDs back off of them. You can purchase at paulcree.co.uk/shop or stream it on all the major platforms except Spotify, for some reason. Dickheads.
I’ve attached the first track off the EP, called The Fun Fax Kid. I was really proud of this when I wrote it, I felt like these were the sort of stories I wanted to tell and the form felt good. It’s loosely based on two true stories, so I hope you enjoy it
Have a banging weekend
Pease and taters
Paul
The Fun Fax Kid, by Paul Cree.
It's a Wednesday afternoon, school's finished but I haven’t. I'm sat on that infamous naughty desk underneath the stairs, writing lines about property-theft and deliberately disrupting class time.
I should be at home watching Byker Grove! Instead, I’m staring at the carvings etched into the well knackered wood, crude claims about people's mum's, alongside a rollcall of scratched in names, older brothers and cousins of mates, who've not gone on to achieve much. I'm sat here because of Alan. Little shit that he is!
It all started yesterday. Alan's bragging to Miss about how his cress plant's gonna’ be the biggest in the class. All the class's cress plants are lined up on the window sill, next to the wooden desks with the hinged lids, where me and best friend Richard sit, right at the back at of the room. Alan sits a few rows in front, sucking up to Miss and flipping the bird everytime she turns to me and Rich. As Miss inspects the cress plants, she catches me and Rich talking.
'Open up your desk lid' Miss says;
As if she knew it was gonna’ be in a state, and upon seeing how messy it is, texts-books, paper and felt tips missing the lids, looking like rubbish overflowing in a skip, she orders me, and Rich, who's desk is just as bad, to stay in at break and tidy them.
'My desk is tidy miss.'
Butting in, Alan’s opened his desk lid, to reveal to Miss an annoyingly tidy pile of stacked books and paper, and that flippin’ Fun Fax Alan always has with ‘im! Choc-o-bloc with geeky information, and stickers, so smug pricks like Alan can cover his textbooks with cheesy slogans
and claim facts like it was ‘im that discovered it! When Miss walks away, Alan swings back round with a devious look on his face says;
'Oi,I bet you too dick-‘eads have the worst cress-plants in the class. You two always come bottom in all the tests. You should be used to it, ‘cos you're both thick as shit!'
'Shut up Alan!' I replied
'Yea, shut up Alan.' said Rich, backing me up.
'YOU shut-up!' Alan comes back angry, as he'd just forgotten the insults that had pea-shooted from his lips.
'No, YOU shut-up Alan, we said shut-up first.' I said.
'WHAT'S ALL THIS NOISE ABOUT?!' Says miss, turning round from writing
on the board and looking at us.
'Miss, THOSE2 keep swearing at me.' says Alan!
Thing is, though I don't often do well on the tests, I know I'm not thick, and as for Alan, who always seems to do well, I know he's not that smart, not as smart as he thinks he is! I've seen Alan cheat on tests by using his Fun Fax, hidden inside the lid of his desk, or the times-table on the back of his packed pencil case, and he always seems to get away with it! Little shit that he is!
Miss turns back round to the board at the front of the class, Alan swings back round again;
'You two nobs, are like those characters from that new cartoon Iseen on MTV called Beavis and Butthead, ‘cos you’re both thick and need braces, that's your new names yea, Beavis and Butthead!'
Alan follows this with a silly little giggle, which I'm assuming is taken from this mythical TV show which made everyone else in the class laugh! I feel the beginnings of a blizzard in my tummy, as if I was inside of a gently shaken snow glass, sat on a mantelpiece, which I immediately want to suppress. I can feel my face going red.
'I've not heard of that cartoon ALAN! I don’t know what you’re talking about!' I said
'That's because your mum and dad CAN’T afford Sky! You've never seen MTV!' Alan replies, as he turns back to his desk, doing that stupid laugh again.
'My parents have got SKY. I've seen it' pipes up Richard! Out of nowhere!
'And HE’S me more like Beavis and Butthead than me, HE’S the one with goofy teeth who needs braces!' Pointing at me!
I pause look at Rich for a bemused sec;
'what?' he says, ‘you do need braces.'
Ignoring the fact that my best friend has just cussed me off, I then turn straight back to Alan, with his back to me, trying to think up the best cuss I can possibly cuss him back with…
'Shut up Alan!'
No reply. It just bounces off the back of Alans white shirt.
During the break, detained, me and Rich are tidying our desks, stuffing our faces with too many Nerd sweets. Alan keeps on walking passed the window, calling us Beavis and Butthead, doing that stupid laugh, which is spreading like hair nits amongst the other kids, ‘cos they're all doing it. Clenching our fists, me and Rich pledge revenge and plot a roadmap to our very own Count of Monty Cristo.
'I'd take him.' Rich says
'Yea I reckon I'd take him as well' I said
'Yea but I’d beat him‘im up harder, I’ve been doing press ups'
'Yea, but I'd put him in a headlock, you've seen me arm wrestle, I’ve got strength there'
'Yea but I'd elbow drop him.'
'Yea but I’d elbow drop him then put him in the super-sharp-shooter.'
'Yea but I'd elbow drop him, put him in the gorilla-press, throw him out the window from the first floor, then jump out myself and body splash him!'
The emergency cobra meeting continues, as we empty our desks of all the unfinished school work
and half eaten sandwiches. Just as I'm loading up my gob with another handful of Nerd sweets, I casually discard the empty box on the side behind me, and my gaze turns to the cress plants on the window sill. In particular, That Fun Fax sticker-clad plant pot, right in the middle, hogging all the sun light, and wonder how it is, that ALAN’S cress plant, actually looks like ‘im!.I stop chewing and just stare.
I hock back! Sounding like a snorting pig at a trough, lean towards the window sill, then unleash a thick wod of rainbow coloured flem directly into the soil of that bellend Alan's plant pot! Rich laughs and then follows! Spitting right into the same spot! We go back forth in a flem-rally, covering Alan's cress plant in a monsoon pallet of food colouring, sugar and e numbers, making Alan's Cress Plant look like an abstract Van Gough! We watch the venom of our combined saliva slowly seep into the soil, we hi five and laugh, admiring our handiwork.
The class come back in from break, Richard and I are schtum. The cress plants are lined upon the outside of my peripheral vision, like soldiers standing to attention, having just been witness to sabotage. Those annoying little giggles are playing out in stereo around the room, subtlety conducted by Alan at the front, sitting on his desk with his Fun Fax, blissfully unaware of what's just happened, and everytime Miss turned round to the board, Alan swings round to me and Rich and mouths 'Beavis and Butthead.' I just smile. The sun's out, it's all calm inside the snow glass.
The next day I walk into class to be greeted by scene I didn’t quite expect! Alan is standing next to the window sill! Alan is crying! Alan is being comforted by Miss I slowly shuffle over to my desk…
Alan's cress plant is dead! No one else’s Cress Plant has died! Just Alan's! It's as if we unintentionally hit the target at a carnival shooting gallery, and there's a now prize winning Goldfish swimming under the eyelids of me and Rich, who's just arrived and seen it too! But we’re both a bit surprised; we didn’t intend to kill Alan's cress plant. We didn’t actually think about what would happen if we spat in it. We just thought it would be a laugh Cos Alan's always giving us shit!
Alan 's touching the leaves tenderly with his hand. All the shoots are draped down the side of the pot, and are dry and yellow, looking like anorexic vines suffering from jaundice, and when Miss lifts the pant pot, there's a little multi coloured stain on the plate underneath! Looking like the liquid bit in the bottom of the bowl after eating a whole load of Neapolitan ice cream!
Alan rubs his teary eyes and looksup, to see me, looking at him, his eyes immediately dart to the side, behind where my desk is. But then His face suddenly frowns?! I follow his sightline, and that’s when I see the empty box of Nerd sweets sitting there casually on the side! He looks back towards me, he looks mean, he looks angry!
'It was Beavis and But’ead.' he said all hysterical;
'They did it Miss, they did it!!'
'Alan, stop being silly and sit back-down.' Said Miss
Alans states at me Rich, a hard stare that could strip pant off walls, and he remains quiet for the rest of the morning.
At lunchtime Alan's no-where to be seen. But me and Richard are too busy feeling proud of our unintentional murderous achievements to be concerned about this. After lunch we came back into class for our Geography lesson Alan's already sat down at his desk. Miss says that were going to be studying capital cities Alan immediately shoots his hand up, as fast as the donkeys arse on that Bukerooo board game;
'I know all the names Miss. They're in my Fun Fax.'
Which he instinctively goes to grab, but it's not on his desk! Alan makes a real show of trying to find it, until Miss can't ignore it, As Alan gets more and more distressed and I don't think Miss wants anymore tears.
'Ok class, everybody take a moment to look for Alan's Fun Fax.'
10 minutes and No dice, the Fun Fax has disappeared! Lobbied furiously by Alan, Miss decides to inspect the desks. Lids fly open and she gradually approaches the back. She gets to me and Rich and suddenly I feel very scared. I open my messy lid…and THERE IT IS! Sat there, next to an empty box of Nerd sweets, in all its smugness is AlAN’S MUGGY FUN FAX!!
‘
It was Beavis and Butthead Miss! They took my Fun Fax!'
I'm gobsmacked! When the bellowing begins, my snow glass turns to Ice and I freeze. Just nodding my head to everything Miss says, about how we deliberately concocted this plan to disrupt class time and distress Alan, who was already upset, even though we didn’t do it!
Miss doesn’t know we killed his cress plant, but I wonder if she’s giving us too much credit, planning all that?! We’re not that smart! And we’re sentenced to afterschool detentions, writing lines on the naughty desk about property theft, and deliberately disrupting class time.
For the rest of the day me and Rich are sheepish. I can't help thinking how unfair life is, and every now again, as if just to remind us, Alan let's out that little giggle. Confirming the class's hierarchy and where we both sit, Little shit that he is!
And as I sit here, and finish carving words to that effect into the naughty desk, underneath the stairs, annoyed as I am, I can't help thinking, when visualising those dry cress plant leaves, the rainbow stain on the plate, and the tears in Alan's spoilt eyes, it was all worth it.
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