Dealing with difficult people is one of leadership’s greatest challenges—but it’s also one of the greatest opportunities for influence.

I remember a situation years ago. I had been brought in to transform a team. The first thing I did was to meet with every person individually and hear their story. One of the team, evidently a leader and very talented man got straight to the point. ‘What are you going to change?’ I said, ‘nothing is certain. I want to hear people’s stories first. Then I will know if I’m on the right track. However, if I am, then, I explained some of the strategies I expected to use.’ Ben wasn’t really excited about the ideas. In fact, he said quickly, ‘I don’t think it will work’.

I understood quickly that I was speaking to a man who was influential and if I was going to be successful, I needed Ben on board. So I met with Ben much more regularly than other team members, getting feedback, listening to what he thought and suggested.

In the end, I implemented everything I had outlined to Ben in that first meeting and more and Ben became an advocate for the change.

Too often, when people disagree with us, we are quick to blame them, or to tell them to get on board. Great leaders hear people who disagree and see opportunity to learn, grow and connect. Rather than seeing difficult people as obstacles, great leaders consider it an opportunity to deepen influence.

We need to stay emotionally even-keeled and ask, ‘What’s driving their reaction?’ Understanding their motivations, frustrations, and fears allows us to respond in a way that defuses conflict rather than escalates it. And this is key: As soon as there is a barrier between two people, your influence is lost. If your goal is to influence anyone, you need to keep on removing those barriers.

In his excellent book, Mindstuck, Michael McQueen highlights that the key to effectively navigating resistance isn’t arguing harder, but listening better. True influence lies in our ability to genuinely understand someone else’s perspective and to validate their concerns—even when we don’t agree.

I have read a number of books about sales and negotiation that show the best negotiators don’t dominate conversations; they listen and ask questions that open doors to mutual understanding.

Now, here is the real gold. The resistance that we most need to reframe is often not in the other person. It’s in us. When I can hold the things I want lightly for long enough to stop building that wall; we have greater opportunity to understand our team member’s perspective, to learn and grow with them and to find the win/win.

Next time you find yourself facing resistance, pause, lean in and ask questions. Allow the other person to feel heard and valued. Influence isn’t about overpowering; it’s about reframing resistance toward common understanding.

Today’s secret that I am sharing with you is actually the result of what I perceived to be one of my weaknesses. I don’t always seem to be able to think as quickly as others and therefore I have regularly had to give myself a few seconds to process before replying. I often felt this disabled my influence, however over the years I have come to realise that people’s perceptions of me because of my willingness to pause increases my influence.

Most people assume that fast decision-making is a sign of great leadership. But in reality, true influence often comes from knowing when to pause. Thoughtful delays allow leaders to make better choices, gain respect, and avoid knee-jerk reactions that can lead to mistakes.

When you pause before speaking, you send a message: your words are intentional. This moment of silence gives you time to process, assess, and respond with precision. It also shows confidence—people trust leaders who take time to think.

The power of a pause extends beyond verbal communication. It applies to decision-making, conflict resolution, and even strategic planning. Reacting too quickly can lead to mistakes, misunderstandings, and missed opportunities. By incorporating thoughtful delays into your leadership style, you create an environment where deeper insights and well-rounded perspectives emerge.

By pausing, you do the following:

Firstly, You allow others a chance to contribute, fostering better discussions and collaboration. Remember that as the leader your voice is going to be the loudest in the room and when you speak it often signifies that conclusion has been reached. Speaking last, builds trust within teams and encourages innovative thinking.

Secondly, you are communicating that you listened completely. You have valued every word a person spoke. You were not formulating your response in the middle of your colleagues thoughts. This subtle valuing of a person is invaluable.

Thirdly, you are displaying that you use care when you speak. Speaking quickly indicates to your audience that you have found the first thought you came up with and delivered. A pause increases your leadership gravitas, you are thoughtful and careful in your communication.

In high-pressure situations, the instinct to act immediately can be overwhelming. But the best leaders resist that urge. Instead of rushing to provide solutions, they take a moment to gather information, reflect on different viewpoints, and ensure their response is aligned with their long-term vision.

Next time you feel the urge to respond immediately, resist. Take a breath, and then speak. Or, even feel free to say, ‘great question, I need to think that over’. The difference in how people perceive you will be profound. Thoughtful delays don’t just make you a more measured leader—they make you a more influential one.

Have you ever spoken to a leader who communicates something like: Why should I complement my staff for a good job? I’m paying them aren’t I? Isn’t doing a good job what people should just do?

Well, yes, they are correct. However, I want to consider two companies that I have been interacting with lately. One has a turnover of almost 20% each year. The other has only had people leave because they are geographically moving due to their family situations. In one, employee engagement is low. In the other, productivity, creativity and self-motivation is high. What is the difference between the two business owners?

Generosity beyond the pay package.

They actually both pay similar wages to employees. However the first company is led by a couple who don’t thank their team and show value for the things people do. The second owner recognises his staff as often as he can. The second owner has even put in place Rostered days off so his staff regularly get four day weekends and he gives all his staff 5 weeks annual leave. This business owner even told me recently, that he encourages his apprentices to go and find other work after their apprenticeship if they would like to. Some of them take him up on his offer and find other employment. Ironically, almost all of these people are back within 12 months because they realise just how good the workplace culture is at this organisation.

Leadership is not just about authority; it’s about the impact you make on others. The most influential leaders don’t just direct—they give. Leaders who give without expecting anything in return create deep connections and inspire loyalty. Whether it’s time, attention, or small gestures of appreciation, unexpected generosity can change the dynamics of a team.

Many leaders focus on what they can get rather than what they can give. But the most influential leaders understand that generosity creates trust, respect, and a sense of shared purpose. Giving doesn’t always have to be financial—it can be as simple as offering your time, mentoring someone without an agenda, or publicly acknowledging a team member’s contributions.

Think about the last time someone helped you without any expectation of something in return. How did that make you feel? These small, selfless acts create a ripple effect that fosters deeper relationships and inspires others to do the same. Research shows that workplaces with a strong culture of generosity experience higher engagement, retention, and overall productivity. When people feel appreciated, they become more invested in their work and their team.

Start small. Offer to help a colleague struggling with a project, celebrate someone’s success with a handwritten note, or simply take a moment to listen without distraction. Over time, these small acts compound into long-term influence, creating a culture of generosity and loyalty.

Most leaders feel pressure to always have the right answer. Society often equates strong leadership with unwavering confidence and knowledge. But the truth is, admitting “I don’t know” is one of the most powerful things a leader can do.

When a leader openly acknowledges uncertainty, it signals confidence rather than weakness. It demonstrates a commitment to learning and fosters an environment where others feel safe to share their thoughts and ideas. A culture that embraces curiosity and exploration often results in more creative problem-solving and innovation.

According to the research from Koeslag-Keunan and team published in the National Library of Medicine, teams led by leaders who embrace uncertainty perform better and innovate more effectively. Employees in such environments are more engaged, as they feel their contributions genuinely matter.

I have personally found that when I say, ‘I don’t know’ or when I seek the help of my team, two things happen:

My team feel a greater sense of worth, increasing their willingness to go the extra mile to implement the solution.

Secondly, I find that when it is time to give my team opportunities of leadership, they are much more willing and confident. They have already seen that they don’t need to know everything, they can ask questions, they have seen me and have come to realise that leadership does not mean you have reached perfection.

How ironic that three words which the majority of western society would not associate with leadership could actually have the most profound effect on the productivity and empowerment of your team.

The best leaders are lifelong learners. They seek input from their teams, consult experts, and make informed decisions based on collective knowledge. Rather than pretending to have all the answers, they leverage the wisdom of those around them.

So, the next time you’re faced with a question you don’t have an immediate answer to, resist the urge to fake it. Instead, say, “That’s a great question—I don’t know, but let’s find out together.” You’ll gain more respect and credibility. You will be empowering your team and helping them to understand that leadership is not about knowing everything, it’s about lifelong learning.

Have you ever been in a meeting where one question completely shifts the conversation? It’s like a lightbulb moment—suddenly, the room is engaged, ideas flow, and people start thinking differently.

Great leaders know that influence isn’t about always having the best answers—it’s about asking the best questions.

The right question does more than just seek information. It sparks curiosity, encourages ownership, and makes people feel valued. Socrates built an entire teaching method around this idea, and modern leadership research backs it up. A study by MIT found that leaders who ask open-ended, thought-provoking questions are 30% more likely to foster innovation in their teams. That’s a huge competitive advantage—just by shifting from telling to asking.

But here’s the challenge: Most of us are wired to give our opinions quickly. We want to add value, to sound knowledgeable, to solve problems. But real leadership influence isn’t about dominating the conversation—it’s about guiding it.

So, the next time you want to steer a discussion, resist the urge to immediately give your thoughts. I hear you asking, ‘what are some great questions I can use?’  The reality is that in my personal leadership, I have found that any and every question is a great one. Even if your team respond with a resounding ‘no’, or are confused by what you’re asking, every question will eventually lead to greater understanding and clarity.

When you ask any questions, you’re not just leading—you’re empowering. You’re helping your team think critically, solve problems, and take responsibility. That’s the kind of leadership that doesn’t just demand respect but earns it.

So, before your next meeting, ask yourself: Am I here to give answers, or am I here to ask the questions that create real impact? Because the fastest way to grow your influence is to help others think for themselves.

Have you ever walked into a room and immediately sensed who the leader was—before they even spoke? Humans have this unspoken ability to sub-consciously create our own pecking order. Yes, just like chickens, people in a room will unconsciously decide who has the greatest power and where we belong within that pecking order. And we will then act accordingly in order to stay safe, to stay within our zone.

However, when we are conscious of this, we can change this dynamic.

Research by Dr. Amy Cuddy on power poses and body language shows that people form judgments about competence and trustworthiness within seconds of seeing someone. Before you’ve said a word, your presence is already shaping how others perceive you. That’s a powerful insight—one that every leader should take seriously.

So, how do you maximise your influence before you even open your mouth?

Firstly, Posture matters. Stand tall, shoulders back, feet firmly planted. A confident stance isn’t just about looking strong—it actually affects how you feel. When you carry yourself with assurance, your mind follows, reinforcing your ability to lead. Next time you walk into a room, look at everyone’s posture and you’ll quickly be able to measure where everyone believes they sit within the pecking order.

Secondly, eye contact builds connection. Looking people in the eye signals respect and authority. It conveys confidence, openness, and a willingness to engage. People trust those who can hold their gaze. I follow a person on LinkedIn who never looks at the camera when he speaks. His eyes are constantly darting every which way except at the camera. I don’t know this person well enough to make any judgment calls. However, I can tell you that I would really struggle to buy anything from them. This behaviour suggests he can’t be trusted.

Thirdly, energy is everything. Emotions are contagious. If you enter a room exuding confidence, calmness, and positivity, others will mirror that energy. Your team will take their cues from you.

Years ago I used to speak in front of hundreds of people regularly. It certainly created plenty of anxiety for me leading up. However, I developed a couple of habits to help me overcome this. I would actively ‘bounce’ onto stage. And then once I had prepared my notes on the lectern I would step out from behind the lectern and stand with feet firmly planted and begin my address, often with a hands open gesture whilst trying to make eye contact with everyone from left to right in a sweeping gaze. These actions communicated to me and my audience that I was ready, I was confident, I didn’t need to hide anything, and I could be trusted.

Great leaders don’t wait for words to establish influence—they walk into the room already leading. So, before your next big meeting, take a moment to check in with yourself: What is my presence saying before I even speak? Because whether you realise it or not, your influence starts the moment you step into the room.

If you’ve ever walked into a meeting and felt the need to fill every silence with words, you might be missing a huge opportunity. Silence, when used strategically, is an incredibly powerful leadership tool.

In my early leadership journey, I assumed influence came from having the right answers and speaking confidently. If I’m honest, that belief still lingers. We watch sitcoms where people deliver the perfect comeback at the right time, and we think we must do the same to be influential.

But over time, I learned a hard lesson—people don’t always listen to the loudest voice; they listen to the most intentional one.

So, let’s ask a deeper question: why do we talk so much? Often, it’s because we lack confidence. We feel like frauds, we get nervous, and our internal beliefs tell us that talking more will increase our value.

I don’t know what stories are undermining your confidence, but for me, it has been my leadership journey in churches. Churches are not always highly regarded in business, and for a long time, I let that diminish my confidence. However, I’ve come to realize that leading hundreds of volunteers and staff through purpose and motivation—rather than a paycheck—is exactly why I bring so much to the business world of leadership.

A study from Harvard Business Review found that leaders who pause before responding are perceived as more competent and thoughtful. Silence makes room for deeper insights, reducing knee-jerk reactions that might harm relationships or decision-making.

Consider this: when was the last time you left space in a conversation for someone else to fill? What internal stories do you need to revise in order to create greater self-confidence? Leaders who master strategic silence create an environment where others feel valued, allowing better ideas to emerge.

Two takeaways today:

Do some self-exploration. What are the underlying confidence crushers affecting you? Without understand this, it is incredibly difficult to master the art of silence.

Once you have put in that work: Next time you’re about to answer immediately, pause. Count to three in your head. Give others the space to speak first. You might be surprised how much more influence you gain by saying less.

I have read many staff self-reflections in my time, and most of them include something like, “I’d like more responsibility. I want to learn more. I want to contribute in new and bigger ways. I’d love to move up in the organization.”

This is fantastic. It’s inspiring when people want to grow, learn, and lead. Leadership often comes with financial rewards, greater autonomy, and increased status. These are the things that entice us toward leadership.

However, what we rarely discuss is the price of leadership.

This is a cost you don’t have to pay. Many leaders avoid it—but the result is a lack of loyalty and trust. People may follow you simply because you sign their paycheck, but that’s not real influence. If you want to create a high-performing team where people love working together, you must be willing to pay the price.

The cost of leadership is real, and while the list is long, here are three key areas where leadership demands its toll:

Self-Pride: Leadership exposes you to criticism, failure, and self-doubt. The more responsibility you take on, the more you will fail. True leadership requires humility—the ability to own mistakes, learn from them, and continue moving forward.

Greater Responsibility Means Greater Risk and Stress: The higher you climb, the more pressure you face. Decisions have real consequences—on businesses, teams, and people’s livelihoods. If you want to lead, you must be prepared for the emotional weight that comes with it.

Understanding Yourself and Becoming More Authentic: Leadership is a mirror. It forces you to confront your weaknesses, insecurities, and blind spots. Authentic leadership isn’t just about skill—it’s about deep self-awareness and a willingness to evolve.

So, if you want to increase your influence, ask yourself: Are you willing to pay the price? Because leadership isn’t about status, money, or power. It’s about service, responsibility, and resilience. If you see the truth in this and are ready to pay the price, here’s the good news: the rewards are far greater than financial gain.

When you commit to real leadership, you’ll build a team that genuinely wants to follow you. You’ll create an environment where people are empowered, engaged, and working with purpose. The real reward isn’t a title—it’s the incredible people who stand beside you, ready to achieve something great together.

Hey, I am really excited about my next series. 14 Hidden secrets of Influential Leaders. If you want to increase your influence, make sure you tune in over the next few weeks. Honestly, I am really looking forward to sharing these insights with you!

Do you as the key leader of your team feel like you are the only one driving creativity and innovation? Have you ever sort your team’s creative input and received crickets?

Creativity and Innovation don’t happen in environments where people are afraid to fail. If your team avoids risks, it’s likely not because they don’t have ideas—it may well be because they don’t feel safe enough to share them.

Let me pause and tell you something I have learnt about myself. According to the Working Genius; I have the genius of discernment. This genius means I have a gut feeling for how things will work. Unfortunately the shadow side of this genius is that my natural response to ideas that I feel won’t work is a sharp dismissal. I thought I was being honest and communicating efficiently. However the result of this was that my teams tended not to feel safe enough to bring new ideas. I had no idea that the reason my teams were not innovative, was me.

Let’s make this personal for you. When was the last time someone on your team brought you a new idea? More importantly, what did you do? Did you explore it? Did you challenge it in a supporting and constructive way? Or did you dismiss it because things are fine as they are?

Daniel Pink, in his book ‘Drive', talks about how intrinsic motivation fuels real innovation. Think of intrinsic motivation like this: If I ask my child to clean their room and tell them they can’t use screens or even if I offer to pay them, this is extrinsic motivation. It works. But both the ‘Carrot’, the pay and ‘the stick’, lack of screen time are external motivations. And from experience they might do a good job, or they might not. However, recently, I came home from some meetings and one of my daughters had cleaned her room, the dining room and the kitchen, and she had done a stellar job. I was blown away! I went and asked ‘why?’ Well, she had invited some friends over and she wanted the house to be tidy for them. That is intrinsic motivation.

Intrinsically motivated people don’t just clean their room, they clean the house. Would you like to see more of that in your team?

If you want to develop a team that is intrinsically motivated, leading to great creativity and innovation, you need to start with psychological safety, if people don’t feel safe to experiment, those drivers disappear. A McKinsey study from 2021 backs this up. Teams with strong psychological safety are more likely to innovate and improve continuously.

So, what’s one thing you can do today to make innovation safer in your team? Do you need to build trust within your team? Do you need your team to become comfortable with failure? Maybe it is asking a tricky question at your next meeting and sitting in silence until someone answers, and positively reinforcing the boldness and courage when they do. Whatever it is, start small—but start now.