Leaning Toward Wisdom

Let's define "partner" broadly. It could be a spouse, a business associate, a legal partnership, an informal collaboration, a co-worker, or something else. In short, it's a joint venture of some sort. You get to define it the way that best suits you.

My first partnerships were likely being a sibling to my sister who is 6 years older. We may have been too far apart in age to be a real partnership, but aren't all kids with brothers and sisters partners in some sense? I watch my grandkids and it seems not much has changed. As children, we had to learn to get along, work together, protect, and support each other. Okay, maybe there were some fights along the way, too.

Once I got into school I'd often be teamed up with other students for projects. Mostly, I remember doing bulletin boards or something creative. The teacher would assign one or more people to me to produce something. It was my first real experience with frustration in a creative endeavor. I've thought about it often - how early on I should have known I needed to be more discriminating in the ideal partner. Or to consider whether or not I even need or want one.

Through the years one phrase has captured my biggest challenge: being like-minded.

That doesn't mean seeing everything identically. Nor does it mean coming to the same conclusion. I've wrestled with this notion all my life, attempting to distill the meaning of "being like-minded." Maybe there's a better way to figure it out, but my approach was to identify the source of my frustrations. What is driving me crazy and why? It always comes down to, "Is it me, or is it them?" That leads to wrestling with whether or not it's going to require compromise to lower quality. To lower the expectation. To accept good enough. To avoid reaching for something better.

By the time I reached junior high, I knew I was cursed. There would never be a way out. So I started looking for some way forward. It didn't often happen so I learned to pursue things by myself if the thing was important to me. Think school projects.

I had close friends. I had many more friendly acquaintances. I enjoyed being amongst friends. Humor and sarcasm were constant common denominators. But when it came to getting things accomplished, I was sober-minded. Serious. Maybe to a fault. A few people who didn't know me misinterrupted my introversion and seriousness for conceit. But that was never the issue because I never esteemed myself better than anybody else, albeit I did frequently think, "I wouldn't do that" when watching somebody make a foolish choice. I was compliant listening to teachers and parents. Mostly doing what I was told, behaving and always mindful of the situation. I was a noticer which made it easier to avoid problems, easier to read people, but impossible to avoid noticing. As a result, my inner signal-to-noise ratio has never been great. When you notice everything you learn to discriminate between the two, but it's important to distinguish between what you think you're noticing and true evidence. As a young adult, I began to seriously learn what I termed evidence-based intuition. Gut feel is terrific when you notice everything, but it's not error-free, even if it is mostly accurate. Pile on some questions that force you to consider what you know to be true, and the accuracy gets closer to perfect. I've now practiced that for over 40 years and I'm still working on it.

The context matters lest you think I'm just a wild contrarian. I'm not. But I'm driven by accomplishment, not ambition. They can look similar, but the difference is selfishness. Credit. Glory. Honor. I don't much care about any of those. I care about the final product. I care about the conquest. Today, I often use the metaphor of "taking the hill." I'm driven to take the hill in the best method possible. The challenge, struggle and adversity provide the juice. Otherwise, everybody would be taking the hill. But not everybody does. And that excites me.

Enter the problem. Those who say they too would like to take the hill, but don't seem to display the stuff required to achieve it. Or to achieve it as efficiently. Or to be dragged along by the momentum of others so they can also experience the hill top. I've never had patience with such people.

Two things erupted early in childhood about such people (again, think school projects). I remember so many classroom bulletin boards or door decorations that drove me nuts. I'm assigned, with two other students, to decorate the classroom door for the holidays. We brainstorm some ideas and immediately it's evident my cohorts just want to get past this assignment. Me? I want the output to be awesome - the best in the building. So right off the bat I now know I've got two passengers willing to never put their oars in the water as we paddle hard toward producing a great door decoration. But I'm stuck. Never mind that I often would ask - and be granted permission - to just do it by myself. It had nothing to do with not wanting to work alongside others. It had everything to do with wanting to avoid lowering the standard of creating a dynamite door decoration.

Listen, I wasn't some nose-to-the-grindstone kid. I slacked off as much as anybody looking for shortcuts while procrastinating all along the way. But when it came to producing something creative, my brain entered a difference gear. It was completely unintentional. It's like some auto-pilot feature kicked in that said, "Let's make this as good as it can be." And rarely was I tethered to anybody who felt the same way. It was true then. It's been true ever since.

That's why I started aiming at only helping high-performers some years ago. After serving people who had that "it's good enough" mentality I quit. I quit trying to help them. It was too frustrating. Besides, they didn't accept the challenge to be better.

Try to help a business owner improve his marketing and pricing, things that will drop to the bottom line quickly. Demonstrate that his pricing is more than 25% lower than he can easily get if he'll only ask. Do that by making sales at the higher rate. Do it again. And again. And fight him every inch of the way to elevate his customer service so he can continue to raise his prices. Battle him so long you're exhausted pushing water up a hill (my metaphor for futility) and you'll have some idea of my frustration.

Work with a business owner on reaching new heights of success by challenging how things have always been done. Challenge to think about what might be possible. Not guaranteed, but maybe (just maybe) possible. Then fight to help her see what could be only to realize she won't, or can't.

For me, there's always a bigger hill worth taking. And ways to take it better. The excitement, fun and exhilaration come in pushing to see if we can't do this better. And not just better than anybody else, but far better! I remember challenging grade school classmates that somebody is going to produce the best-decorated door in school (maybe there was a contest, I don't remember because that didn't much matter to me - my success was never reliant on somebody else's approval)...it may as well be US.

I'm not a good partner for very many. Not when it comes to getting something done. I know that about myself. I've always known that. This has nothing to do with teamwork. Teamwork excites me. Challenging willing people to achieve something together that none of us could alone is a magical experience. However, the driftwood (low performers) on a team frustrates me because I know the damage inflicted on the rest of us. That drove me to pursue leadership in business where I could better serve those of us driven to do our best. I craved being the boss for that very reason. Thankfully, early in my career I got the chance and was able to prove to myself that putting a focus on helping high-performers worked. It always worked. And getting low-performers off the roster as quickly as possible, that always worked. Always.

That context isn't the same as being tied to a person, or maybe two, who just don't care as much as you do. Or being tied to people who aren't as capable. Two major factors bubbled up over time: capability and caring. Sometimes I found myself shackled to some idiot who just couldn't do it. Worse yet, was being tied to somebody who could do it, but didn't care enough to. Either way, the outcome was awful. As a boss with employees, I was constantly working to determine which is it? If it's capacity, can I do something to improve that? If YES, then what can I do and how much am I'm willing to do? If NO, then the game is over. If they don't care, I used to spend time attempting to persuade people to care, but I soon gave up that pursuit because I was never able to figure out how I could do that. I respected everybody's ability to decide for themselves, but it didn't mean I had to have them on my roster. So I hit the eject button hoping they might find a team where they could care. Where they could perform better.

Partnerships are different animals. They're more mutual. More equal. Even if there's some authority hierarchy they just feel and behave differently because they're more intimate. A marriage partnership is the most intimate of them. A business partnership is a different kind of intimacy, but for some (I don't condone this) it's even more important than a marriage.

I've been married to one girl since 1978. We first dated when we were 18 and since then there's never been anybody else. For either of us. I'm not a perfect husband. She's not a perfect wife. We're good for each other though. Sometimes we even have brief moments of being great for one another. There are many mistakes we can make as mates to ruin or wreck our marriage partnerships. Most of us married folk could make more than a handful before lunch!

Here are five mistakes that have made - and currently make - people bad partners for me and ways to avoid them....

It starts with an innocuous request, but you notice it's not a request as much as information --- or a subtle command. The person on the other end of the phone is telling you what they're going to do. The problem is that it involves having you do something for them. Something you never agreed to, and something that is an imposition. Worse yet, it's not a close family member. We're mostly ready, willing, and sometimes able to serve our immediate family members with requests that seem otherwise loaded with gall. ;)

Not so this time. This is a friend. I use that term very loosely. The friend is just calling to inform you of what you'll be doing for them because they need it and expect it. No questions are asked. No consent is offered on your part because it's just not necessary. This "friend" has called with 100% expectation that you'll meet their need.

There's not the obligatory, "Would you...?" or "Could you...?" They don't even ask how you're doing, or if you're up to your ears in your issues. The tone in their voice tells you that they know you have nothing going on nearly as important as what they've got going on.

Or, it's the person who invariably calls you with instant ramblings of something only within seconds (or a few minutes at most) of telling you they need to go because they've: a) got another incoming call, b) got another call they need to make or c) got something pressing they must do. Translation: I called you because it was important for me to tell you this thing (which is NEVER important at all, or even substantial)...but now that I've told you, I have no further need for you.

In recent months several close friends lament how often they get such calls. I listen intently to these stories, growing increasingly shocked at the audacity people display toward "friends." Each time I've repeated one story that happened to me over 20 years ago when a "toxic" friend asked me to do something professionally for him. I was home nursing fever and nausea at the time, but I got out of bed, dressed up, and attended a business meeting to help him out. I'll spare you the details except to tell you it was the last time I ever did anything for him. Instead, a few months later I made up my mind to rid myself of as many of the toxic people in my life as possible. He was first on the list.

All take, no give - that's the best phrase I know of to describe toxic people who are always imposing on you without any regard for what may be happening in your life. And while I'm happily telling you that you should learn to say, "NO!" to them so you can say "Yes!" to better people - that's not the point of today's show. But it could be. People matter. Good people matter to help us. Bad people matter because they damage us. That makes it urgent for us to figure out when to say no so we can say yes.

But I'm thinking more about creative endeavors. Particularly, podcasts and content (whether it's writing, audio or video). I'm thinking of the YES that first requires a NO. Mostly, I'm thinking about my consumption and creation. On one hand, I'm the audience. On another, I'm the creator. So what's the difference? And how does saying NO so we can say YES play into it all?

Let's try to figure it out.

I'm asking for a favor that I hope is NOT an imposition. Email me your feedback about this podcast to [email protected]

I want to make Leaning Toward Wisdom more impactful - more meaningful - for YOU. I don't quite know how to best do that, but I have a high degree of willingness. 

Mostly, I want to say NO to whatever devalues this podcast for you so I can say YES to whatever might make Leaning Toward Wisdom serve you better!

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Well, it's not true that how you do anything is how you do everything, but still I'm rather fond of the concept because it works. For instance, do you step over things that need to be picked up? I don't mean snotty tissues or other debris that might be a campground for all kinds of filth. Say you're out walking on a trail and you see a discarded soda can. Do you pick it up or leave it? Some would pick it up and others wouldn't. There's also a 3rd group - those who don't see it. Or don't care.

People who notice seem to always notice.

People who pick up things seem always to pick up things.

People who don't pick up something seem never to pick up things.

I've found this to be mostly --- true.

I pick things up. But not every time. Some nasty-looking tissue is likely going to remain as I walk past it. The place matters, too. If I'm on a busy sidewalk I won't pick up a gum wrapper, much less a snotty tissue. In that context, I'm not likely going to stop to pick up anything other than something valuable or something a person may have dropped. Still, how you do anything tends to be how you do everything. But that's not as powerful a phrase.

Social media (mostly) has taught me I have a horrible deficiency. Okay, it's taught me I have many horrible deficiencies with this one included - I don't foster controversy. I'm not polarizing. Absolutes are powerful because they're polarizing and that gets attention. I don't clamor for or yearn for attention. Yes, I want the attention of some to listen to this podcast - and the other podcasts I produce. Yes, I want people to read, or at least scroll through, things I write. Yes, I want people to gain something from the sermons I preach and all the other content I produce - which means first, they have to pay some attention. For me, the context is always the message though. The thought. The question. Provoking thought in hopes our thoughts will drive us to change, grow, and improve. For the past few decades, I've been fixated on improving my ability to figure things out and finding ways to help others do the same.

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Bariatric surgeries have increased over 500% since 1998.

Bariatric surgeries have exploded (that might not be the proper verb) in recent years. Part of the reason is the improved technologies to make it "minimally invasive," but I think it's primarily because people want a fast, easy fix. And now add a new found popularity of drugs like Ozempic ® making weight-loss even easier.

Everybody wants fast and easy. Nobody prefers slow and hard. But there are some things where slow and hard provide a value not found in fast and easy.

After a round of NFL playoffs games as the 2023/2024 season was winding down I heard a coach say something I've heard before, but something I hadn't heard in awhile. He remarked that great football teams do the hard things really well. For months I've thought about it even though I instantly knew he was right. There's beauty and wisdom in the struggle. Never mind that we don't always enjoy it. It benefits us.

There's that old tale of a man watching a caterpillar struggle to escape its cocoon. Figuring he'd make it easier for the butterfly to emerge he got a pair of scissors and snipped parts of the cocoon. Minutes later some creature not even resembling a butterfly escaped the cocoon. Turns out by making it easy he had ruined any chance for the caterpillar to enter a phase of being a butterfly. The struggle required to wriggle out of the cocoon forced life into the wings. No struggle, no wings. No wings, no butterfly life.

It's a good reminder of the value of our own struggles. Even if, in the moment, we can't quite see the future benefit.

In Thy Paths

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More specifically maybe...false assumptions about my (our) retirement...

That you must have at least a million dollars to retire.

That you really need three million dollars to retire with security.

That you should delay collecting Social Security until at least 65, and preferably until 70.

That you should travel.

That you should do all the things you've always wanted to do, but never got around to.

That you'll struggle with a sense of purpose.

That you may struggle with boredom if you're not careful.

That it will cost you much more than you figured.

That it's important to have (and pursue) a bucket list.

That you'll have much more leisure time.

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Happy Father's Day 2024!

My dad enjoying the sunshine

The what was crystal clear.

The how was no where in sight.

Casey Neistat is the OG of YouTube, vlogging and social media creation. He's associated with New York, but it wasn't always so. Casey set his sights on NYC knowing he wanted to make it there. Without any idea or plan on how to do it. But he'd grown up hanging on by a thread so he was comfortable.

Casey had two qualities that drove him, gratitude and optimism. A little boy with absentee parents. No restraints. No security. Hanging on by a thread.

One man's ceiling is another man's floor.

The desperation and despair drove him. Created him. Forged him.

Watching Casey for years and knowing his story got me thinking about mastering the hang. The hanging by a thread. Handling risk and failure. Hanging on. Even by a thread because even a thread provides suspension above failure. And despair. In the thread we find hope. Enough hope to continue.

Patience vs. impatience.

A willingness to hang on by that thread for however long it'll take.

Casey describes his early life as a life without any plan B. He was working 60 hours a week making $7.25 an hour working in a restaurant kitchen. What was he going to do? Move back to southeastern Connecticut where he'd grown up in despair? Optimism drove him to declare - both to himself and others - "I'll figure it out."

Said Casey: "I was running from a pack of wolves. I knew if I slowed down or stopped, I'd be eaten."

Thinking of Casey's story and how he described the early part of his journey to find success, I began thinking for the umpteenth time about how life circumstances impact us. It's remarkable how for some it becomes crippling baggage providing a million excuses. For others, like Casey, it's the catalyst that drives them to rise above all the tragedy and despair. That old meme remains true. Hot water makes the egg hard, but it softens the potato. I suppose it's the hot water that shows us what we truly are, but I'm still puzzled about the choices we make - and I do believe we choose what we become, unlike the egg or potato.

When working with a group in my coaching practice I often deploy a number of strategies to create closer bonds. Trust, vulnerability, safety - these are all critical when we're trying to develop high-performing teams (or groups). Seeing each other as something other than a position or title serves all of us well. At work we rarely are able to show our full humanity, which is a shame because that's where our deepest connections are made.

It's interesting to watch it happen. A group of people enter a room. They know each other. They have some context for one another. But many of them don't really know each other very well. Over an hour, or two, they begin to see other differently. They understand the past pain, suffering and struggle. We can all relate. Our story specifics may differ, but at a macro level - we're mostly similar.

It's apparent that we all had many opportunities to decide, will we be an egg or a potato? Will the circumstances of our life - especially the ones we had little control over - harden us or soften us? And will that hardness manifest itself in a resolve to rise above it or will it be a hardness that drives us deeper into excuse-making, and blaming? Will it soften us in ways that cripple us and rob us of the confidence and resolve needed to succeed? Or will it soften us so we can be more compassionate and grow into better humans?

Choice. Making up our mind.

Will we hang by the thread with optimism? "Hey, look...I'm still hanging on!" versus "Oh, man. I'm just a thread away from falling."

Hanging on by a thread is still hanging on. Just like "by the skin of your teeth" is still getting by.

Sure, the margin is thin but it's a bit binary - you're either hanging on or not. Whether it's by a thread or a strand of threads.

It's congruent with the theme of last week's episode. There's pressure on the situation. Maybe it's do or die. Maybe not. But in this moment we feel the urgency, importance and seriousness of the situation. Or maybe we *think* we know.

Time.

Capability.

Innate talent.

Skill.

Experience.

Opportunity.

Challenge.

What's the goal of hanging...whether by a thread or a strand? Is the object to continue to hang or is there something else?

I've never wanted to just hang indefinitely. As kids we had monkey bars. The goal was to move from one end of the contraption to the other by way of a dozen or so bars from which you had to hang. The point was to swing from one bar to the next until you completed it...all without letting go. Hanging was the conveyance to get from one end to the other.

For me, hanging has a purpose. Maybe it's waiting for what's next. Maybe it's moving toward what's next. But hanging is a moment in time and I guess the question is, "How long do I need to hang on until that next thing occurs?" It's a game of endurance. Which makes that thread part of it seem dangerous. Maybe it is dangerous. Maybe it's more dangerous in our head based on our fear that the thread won't last long enough.

How long is long enough?

There's the rub. We don't often know.

Enter fear.

Fear of falling.

Fear of the thread breaking.

Fear we won't survive the fall.

Does that make us paranoid? Or delusional? Or pessimistic?

It could. But not necessarily.

All of us are afraid of failing...falling. Some of us are afraid of hanging on, too. Perhaps we're afraid of even grabbing the rope, no matter how strong it may appear.

Some years ago one of our grandsons would not jump into the swimming pool. All the other kids would run and jump in, but he'd stand on the edge hesitating. Followed by more hesitation. And more stalling. Then he'd back up, start to run toward the edge, then stop. This would go on for many minutes until he'd finally just take a step and drop into the pool. He never would jump.

I spent many minutes with him every time this happened...trying to understand what he was feeling. "What are you afraid might happen?" I'd ask. He couldn't tell me. "Look at the other kids who are jumping in. Have you ever seen them get hurt, or cry after they jump in?" I'd ask. He hadn't, but he still couldn't bring himself to jump.

Until one day he did...and that was that. Fear conquered in a single swoop.

But until he did it he was too afraid to grab the rope of jumping.

I've thought long and often of my own fears. Considering the ropes of my life that I've neglected to grab...or the ropes I grabbed, but failed to hold onto long enough. I've thought of the times I may have quit too soon. Stopping short of success that might have been.

What might have been...

It's not helpful though. To dwell on choices we didn't make. We know the outcome of our life because of the choices we did make. If those choices have taken us to the thread when we could have avoided the thread, we should learn. We should repent - change our mind, change our direction, do better. Become more wise. If those choices can be fixed, we should pursue figuring out how. Whatever we do, we must face our present reality.

Now What?

We are where we are because it's where we've chosen to be. Not that we chose to be sick, or unemployed or whatever other bad things may have happened to us, but we chose our reactions to the hardness of our lives. Those choices put us here. Right here. Right now.

What are we going to do now?

Will we hang in there by doing what we've always done to put us in this precarious state? Or...

Will we hang in there by growing, improving and figuring out our missteps?

In short, will we fix what ails us or just complain about our lot in life? We are, after all, trying to lean toward wisdom, which includes reducing or eliminating our cowardice and excuse-making.

What does the hanging by a thread represent to you? I think mostly we associate it with barely hanging on. To which I'd say, but we're still hanging. In my life, I just don't want it to be passive. It needs to be active --- an intentional effort to gain a better position. That means, at some point I'm going to have to let go of the current position. To remain holding on by a thread seems like a bad strategy. Unsafe even. But I don't want to let go until I feel I've bettered myself. I need something better to grab onto.

I recently read about the Palmar Grasp Reflex, noticeable in new born babies. We know how strong their grip can be. I never understood why until now. The Palmar Grasp develops around week 28 of gestation. It lasts until a child is about 6 months old. It's involuntary. The baby isn't behaving intentionally...yet. Put your finger or any object in their open palm and they'll grab it more tightly than you'd think they'd be able. I read that it's almost strong enough to hold the baby's weight (not advisable). Sometime between 4-6 months babies start deliberating reaching for things. Scientists think the Palmar Grasp Reflex is the same neural pathway needed later for the baby to choose to grasp things.

So, if you're older than 6 months old you get to decide what to grab. Be careful, but brave.

Recklessness is never a wise choice. Too much caution though can rob us of opportunities to advance and grow. Or have fun, as illustrated by my fearful grandson refusing to jump into the pool.

Casey Neistat endured a childhood he described as "hanging by a thread." Still, he had something to hang onto until he figured out something else to grab. I suppose we all have to grab onto something. Something to which we can hang onto for however long it seems to serve us. For teenage Casey it meant diving headlong in filmmaking. It meant moving to New York City without any connections. It meant letting go of home because that wasn't working well enough for him and grabbing onto himself to chase his dreams.

...

Kenneth Aronoff is a drummer for John Mellencamp. He's also part of a documentary, The Untold Stories Of Your Favorite Musicians. He talks about the early days with Mellencamp when he was asked to come up with a drum solo of sorts for a new song, Jack & Diane.

When I first heard him say it my mind went into a few different directions.

One, being good under pressure. Not everybody is. How can we improve that skill?

Two, being good on your feet. That is, being able to figure it out in real-time, with the clock ticking. Again, how can we hon that ability?

Three, knowing you're at a pivot point that could (no guarantees) change everything. How can we recognize the importance of this moment?

Aronoff had enough of all three to handle this moment.

“It's kind of funny...the moments on which life hinges. I think growing up you always imagine your life--your success--depends on your family and how much money they have, where you go to college, what sort of job you can pin down, starting salary...But it doesn't, you know. You wouldn't believe this, but life hinges on a couple of seconds you never see coming. And what you decide in those few seconds determines everything from then on... And you have no idea what you'll do until you're there...”

― Marisha Pessl, Special Topics in Calamity Physics (a novel)

Pessl is a novelist who has crafted some great lines. Truthful lines. This is one of favorites. Life often hinges on a couple of seconds we never see coming. More accurately, it hinges on what we do in that moment. In those seconds. And while you have no idea until you're there, all the things we've done up that moment prepare us.

I will prepare and some day my chance will come.  - Abraham Lincoln

That line speaks to our ability and our optimism. The belief that we'll put in the necessary work and in time, we'll get an opportunity.

I often wonder if we knew in advance of that moment, would it help us or hurt us? Might we live in constant fear and anxiety if we knew? It may be a blessing that when those moments arrive, we had little or no warning.

In the last episode I talked about how special forces train so when the battle erupts, they react wisely (and well) automatically. So much so, they describe their reactions under fire as "it just happens." That's the value of preparation. It's the value of focus, intensity and dedication to constant improvement.

It's also the quest to learn what we don't yet know. Ignorance isn't bliss. It can be disastrous when we act based on it. Many dramatic stories prove the point. Mostly, tragedies prove it. Hamlet. Romeo & Juliet. Stories where people lacked knowledge, but took actions based on it. Stories where they had 25 to save themselves, or somebody else...but they got it wrong.

Tragedy has visited each of us, partly because of actions taken based on our ignorance. We thought something, but without full knowledge, or understanding, we got it wrong. The result was tragic. Maybe not life and death tragic, but some version of tragic none the less.

25 feet to get it right. Or to get it wrong.

I began to consider the journey to those 25 feet, wondering how important those feet are. And how we might influence them.

Reminiscing of my 25-foot-moments I tried to remember what led me there. What happened and how did I get it wrong? Did I get it wrong? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.

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On Chris Williamson's Modern Wisdom YouTube show with Tim Kennedy, a Special Forces master sergeant and author, Kennedy was recounting the extensive training of special forces. In the fog of war there is no time to think when bullets start flying. It's all reaction. He details the many micro movements of firing a weapon during a fire fight, emptying the weapon and reloading - all within seconds. It's not a strategic - "I now need to do this" - kind of thing. It's something you've practiced tens of thousands of times. So much that when the moment comes, it just happens.

It just happens.

He said you practice it so much, that when the moment comes, it just happens!

But first, it's a slow, arduous journey of working hard.

Everything is hard, until it's easy. Everything is slow, until it's fast. 

This is why most things remain hard to many people. They don't put in the work.

It's why we remain broke, fat and miserable, too. And why too many of us lack faith, gratitude and compassion.

Because it's hard work. It's not couch potato work!

Some weeks ago I mentioned to Lisa Norris, my co-host on the Grow Great podcast (a podcast about city government leadership) that every high-performer I've ever known pursues the hard stuff. They're not complacent. They're all strategic in learning more, growing and adding to their arsenal. I remarked,

"Everything is hard, until it's easy and high-performer are always chasing the hard stuff."

Practice doesn't make perfect, but perfect practice does. That's what we've heard for decades. It's absurd though because it presupposes that our work ought to be perfect in practice (when it doesn't matter as much). However, if the saying speaks to the process of practice being perfect (our willingness to put in the work by doing what we must in order to improve), then it's not absurd at all.

When I heard Tim Kennedy's response I went back to notes I'd been making to myself about preparation (practice). I'm a lifelong fan of preparation. This - and all my podcasts - depict my fandom. I use a broadcast workflow because I'd rather prepare in advance of recording instead of just winging it, then fixing it all in editing after-the-fact. Besides, preparation is where I've found my confidence can be greatly enhanced. And I hate not feeling confident.

What is confidence? Where does it come from? Where do we have it?

Long ago I concluded that my confidence isn't singular. There are a few different types of confidence in my life.

First, there's confidence in God. I'll call it a spiritual confidence. It's based on belief, faith and conviction. It's not an internal faith in myself, but rather it's my inner confidence in something and someone else - something much higher and more powerful than myself. My spiritual confidence is based only on the Bible because it's the only standard I have to inform me about God. Any other confidence based on feelings or intuitions or urges would come from me, not the Bible. That makes them susceptible to being mere delusions so I won't base my spiritual confidence on such things.

Second, there's confidence in others. This is an external confidence based on my belief and trust in others. It may be based on past history or expected future. I'm confident that our family will help influence my five grandchildren to be successful adults, able to navigate their lives well. Ages 16 to 8, it's yet to be proven, but I have confidence in our family and in these children. Maybe it's an optimism based on the work we're putting in to help train them all. But it's not entirely based on the adults in the family. None of these 5 children have shown an unwillingness to be compliant to learn and improve.

My confidence in others is based on past behaviors and on my expectations of their capabilities. It's not an absolute though because I'm not in control of what they do. I'm not confident they'll please me because that's not my expectation. I expect them to improve and grow because I care about them being their best.

Third, I have confidence in myself. It's not absolute or complete. Sometimes it's spotty. More so than I'd like.

My confidence in myself is mostly born from preparation...practice. In areas where I fail to focus, I struggle. Appropriately.

Permit me to veer to where I lack confidence and why.

The federal government is't my savior. I already have a Savior who is divine so there's no point in looking for one that's not. I know many people look at the federal government, and to a lesser degree state and local governments, to rescue them from whatever ails them. I don't. It's a conscious choice all of us make.

It's problematic to put confidence where it doesn't belong because fundamentally it's delusional. It's belief in something that isn't worthy of that belief. It's unreasonable and unrealistic expectation that something will happen, which will never happen. The cavalry of government isn't coming to save us. They work vigorously to make us believe though. They desperately want and need our confidence to be placed in them. "Trust us. We know what's best. Just leave this business to us." We hear those kinds of messages from local municipalities all the way to Washington, DC. It's a global epidemic as governments are in full-blown self-preservation mode growing bigger and bigger.

...I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There’s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: As government expands, liberty contracts."          - Ronald Reagan

Self-preservation motivates those in power to remain in power. Fear contributes to the process. It works like a charm. A snake charmer! :D

I only digress to point out that everybody can put their confidence where they choose. This is merely my admission of my own choices. You make those you feel are best for you. I'm on record that I'm a capitalist who enjoys the power of a free and open market. Yes, I support competition and oppose monopolies. There's nothing free about the latter. I know markets make winners and losers of us all. If I bring insufficient value, I won't survive as a business. If I bring high value, I will. Besides, I'm fond of knowing how I'm doing. Keeping score is a great thing when it comes to business and enterprise. It's a terrible thing when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

In the race to bet on oneself or to bet on government, I'd much prefer to bet on myself. I view government as I view leadership. It's a focus on others and doing for others what they can't do for themselves. So while I need government and as a Christian, I pray for governments, I don't put my confidence in them - beyond trusting them to pick up my trash, make sure my water works (and is clean), make sure my toilets flush, make sure my electricity continues to work, make sure my safety is reasonably preserved, etc. I can't do those things for myself.

1 Timothy 2:1–4

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.

Romans 13:1

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.

Who is working for whom? It's fundamental to the conversation about confidence and being prepared. Who is serving whom?

Being in service to myself to put in the necessary work to become better isn't selfish. It's right. Everybody benefits.

As I grow and improve as a person I can better influence those around me. I can make better decisions. Take better actions. Benefit myself and all around me. It can't be helped IF I practice with intensity to insure that when moments come, I'm fully prepared to do the right thing. Not without thinking, but because I already made up my mind. Because I pre-thought it by putting in the work.

That's the point.

Putting in the work in advance. That's the practice.

Putting in the work long enough to endure the hard...until it gets easier. Then continuing it long enough until it becomes easy.

Then...

Advancing it up a notch (or three) to make it hard again...until it gets easier.

For me, it's the drive to always make it better. It's also the dissatisfaction that it's good enough. Not to the point where my discontentment is crippling (or anywhere close to that), but to the point where I'm continually driven to improve it. It's a restlessness with complacency.

For me, it's not a restlessness with calmness or quiet. I've seen that in the lives of others, people who are just perpetual motion machines. Such folks tend to not get nearly enough done though. They log a bunch of miles, but without actually going anywhere. This often mistake movement with progress.

It rarely just happens for them. I know because I hear how hard they work, how much they're hustling, how fast they're working and how busy they are. "I've gotta run," they repeat. Years later, it's the same thing. These poor folks are stuck in Ground Hog Day living a life on constant REPEAT. That's not progress. That's not growing confidence. That's not practicing so when the moments comes "it just happens."

It's also exhausting. And I'm only a spectator to their frenzy, but it whips me.

In place of that...what if the effort were focused? Intentional. Purposeful. Strategic.

What if our "practice" was driven with forethought aimed at an ideal outcome?

And here's a big one: what if our practice was at something we couldn't wait to do over and over again because we desperately wanted to master it?

And what if we mastered it and we still felt like we could advance in it

Note: The picture in the featured image is my 100-year-old dad holding my 92-year-old mother's hand as she lay dying. She passed from this life on April 4, 2024. They were married for 73 years, a testimony to the power of companionship.

Companion / Companionship

a person or animal with whom one spends a lot of time

a feeling of fellowship or friendship

Do you want to be alone with yourself?

And if not, then why do you think anybody else would ever want to be around you?

What is it about you that might be off-putting? Or unsafe?

Let's begin with a word, EFFORT. It's the thing we can all control. It's the igniter in the combustion chamber of success. Whether it's relationships - companionship, or some other pursuit - if we put in enough effort, we can always ensure our growth. Hard work may not result in an absolute win, but it will result in personal growth. The kind of growth that can impact every aspect of our life.

“Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.”         ― Helen Keller

In recent weeks I've talked a lot about my challenges with having too many spinning plates. This goes directly to EFFORT, which means we need to discuss another word, CAPACITY. There is a limit to our effort because our time is limited. And our ability is limited, too.

Time is easy to measure. It's definite.

Ability may be impossible to measure. I suspect we're all severely limited by our mind thinking "this is all I've got," when in reality, we can do more. Evidence of such things is the Navy Seal training and many other physical/mental challenges that people regularly conquer. The person who wants to run their first marathon may quit thinking it's too hard. But those who go on to run their first learn they're more able than they thought. Those who quit are convinced it just wasn't something within their reach. Like Henry Ford famously said...

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't --- you're right.”

What if we believed - truly believed - we were more able?

I have asked hundreds of executives, business owners, and other leaders a simple question: "Would you say that most of your dreams have come true?"

100% of them answer, "Yes."

That doesn't mean every dream was achieved. Or that they've got no more dreams left to chase. It just means they achieved most of the things they set out to achieve.

After they've weighed in, I'll then say, "Makes you wonder what kind of potential we're leaving on the floor, huh?"

What if we dreamed bigger? What if we chased something seemingly impossible for us? Our lives seem to be proving to us that we might be able to achieve most things we pursue. Why shouldn't we reach for more? And why shouldn't we help others reach for more?

Time is easier. Daily we say YES and NO. Daily we may say yes to things we'd rather say no to. We may also say no to things we'd really like to say yes to. All these decisions impact our time. They determine our calendar. And our calendar - those things we answer wrongly - determines our resentment and bitterness.

Suppose I say yes to an invitation I'd rather say no to. Maybe I'm cowardly in the moment. Maybe I'm too worried about hurt feelings. Not my own, but the person inviting me. Maybe social pressures are in play. But for some reason, I give the wrong answer and now this dreaded event is on my calendar.

Who is served by my wrong answer?

Not me.

Not my inviter.

Nobody else in my sphere. Because I'm going to dread it and it'll certainly impact my demeanor and behavior.

That doesn't mean I have to behave hatefully. I can certainly make the decision that's ideal in a polite way. I can be gracious and thank the person for inviting me, but politely decline.

A major component of managing effort, ability, and time is truth. We're surrounded daily by deceit. Lies are all around us. Constantly. We come to think that lying is just a way of life, but it's not. If we're devoted to the truth - and our commitment to telling the truth, firstly to ourselves, then to everybody else - we can avoid a lot of messes.

The lies we tell ourselves take a heavier toll than I suspect we understand. Who wants to live a delusion? Well, you'd think most of us because it sure seems we've all done a fair job of creating our own matrix to define our lives. We tell ourselves what is and isn't possible without any evidence. We wrap ourselves in blankets of anxiety and insecurity whilst pretending to be confident, strong and able. We show off and show out instead of showing up. We drive expensive cars to look rich while being in debt and broke. All that fronting is a lie - a delusion to medicate ourselves on feeling better about our life.

What if we just behaved better?

What if we told ourselves and others the truth? All the time?

What if we stopped fronting and pretending?

What if we did the right thing in kindness? Always acting with integrity?

What if the delusions and misjudgments of others were stripped of their power? What if we didn't respond to hateful treatment? What if we didn't get drawn into the delusion?

A woman tells me about a sister, a lifelong drug addict. It's a long, laborious story of hurt, betrayal, and awful behavior. The parents - they're gone now, but after years of being taken advantage of by a daughter. The delusion of the wayward sister foisted onto everybody in her wake, most notably those people who cared the most about her. And when big sister draws a line after realizing that a relationship - companionship - with little sister is only enabling little sister to impose her delusions - does the venom really start spewing from her sister. All the vile, hateful things she once thought she had endured now pale in comparison.

She says, "I love her very much, but she can't see it. She's so warped in how she sees her life and my life, there's no fixing it. I now realize I have to commit myself to people who I love who are willing to love me back."

As I listen to a story I've heard more times than I can recall (all the people whose lives have been disrupted by a loved one disconnected from the reality of their own poor choices and bad behavior), I think of all the waste. Wasted lives. Wasted time. Wasted resources. Total loss!

I hate the term "mindset," mostly because it's overused. That viewpoint, perspective or whatever word might be more suitable to me - it's important. It determines how we behave. It determines our choices. Our effort. Our dreams. Our aspirations. What we believe.

“...when people already know they're deficient, they have nothing to lose by trying.”

― Carol S. Dweck,  Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

A Lack of Understanding Kills the Truth

Becoming a better companion requires becoming a better person. That takes work and the work needs understanding.

The parents of a murdered boy sue the city because the police department proved corrupt. Evidence was intentionally hidden. The public doesn't have all the information available to the family of the victim. Public outcry rails against the family as money grubby greedy people. But money is the least of the family's concerns. In fact, justice for their son's murder is secondary to wanting to restore faith in police so others won't have to endure what they're going through. The public doesn't understand, but they think they do. They're convinced they've got it all figured out. They know exactly why this family is suing the city.

But they're wrong.

A corrupt detective had destroyed evidence. His lies destroyed the truth, for a time. It had painted an untrue narrative of the victim in order to pin the murder on an easy suspect. The detective would be the hero, convicting a person based on strong, but circumstantial evidence. Evidence it turned out that was largely the result of a fictional story.

Over time - years - most come to understand what they formerly didn't. A clearer understanding results in truth. Truth results in a change in their behavior toward the family. That's how understanding unlocks things for all of us.

Things may not be what we think. Our assumptions and cognitive biases can interfere with the truth. Bad enough for us to practice a lie - like the detective. Worst still for our lie to be put on others.

I suppose few adults have avoided grossly misunderstanding or being misunderstood. Likely we've all been severely misjudged along the way, too.

We hate it when we're misunderstood. We think little of seriously discerning whether or not we're properly understanding others though. Especially motives. Like the parents suing the city.

There's wisdom in following the evidence. What do people do? What and how do they say it? What can we know to be TRUE?

The woman who vows to be a good wife and mother may sound credible. But when we see her drunken, promiscuous behavior another picture unfolds. The truth. No matter her claims we can discern by how she acts - the choices she makes - that she's not what she claims to be. It may not explain why she does what she does. And over time she may be shown as a selfish, neglectful wife and mom. But she's fabricated a narrative to make herself appear different. Better. Lovely. Faithful. Dutiful. Concerned.

Which is it? Is it what she says, or what she does?

YOU?

What makes you worthy of companionship? What makes you a good friend? A good spouse? A good parent? A good grandparent?

Words matter. Actions more.

It's interesting that when actions are wise and good, speech is congruent with the behavior. It's when behavior and choices are sinful and selfish that the stories told don't match up.

Truth.

A commitment to high standards of behavior.

...

In 1982 I stood in front of a group of employees of the retail company I was running to tell them, "Who would have thought we'd reach a time when saying "please" and "thank you," "sir" and "ma'am" would be a competitive edge?" That was then. This is now.

Superior customer service is rare. That means the opportunities are extraordinary! Seize the day.

Abel seized the day. Here's his story, as posted on my Facebook profile.

Abel with Schlotzsky’s in Grapevine, Texas

Schlotzsky's Grand Prairie, Texas Is Today's Customer Service HORROR Story (Small Hill Drive location)

Rhonda placed an order via the app (something she's done with great frequency). Location: Grapevine, Texas. Problem: during checkout, the app encountered a problem with her saved credit card requiring that it be re-entered. Done. Order placed.

Problem #2: during that payment problem evidently the order location changed from Grapevine to Grand Prairie. She didn't notice that until we were in the drive-through of the Grapevine location. She explained the problem and they politely said, "No problem. Just call them to get a refund and we'll make the sandwiches here." So we pulled into a parking spot to call Grand Prairie.

She explained the problem and as they seemed to be helping her the connection went dead. I suspect they hung up on her (she was on the speakerphone). She dialed back. Explained it again, but this time it was a different person. "No, we've already made the sandwiches. No refund!" (Do this in the voice/tone of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld and you'll be dangerously close to the sound of this man on the phone). She asked for the manager. "I am the manager."

I took the phone to ply my powers of persuasion but without success. The Sandwich Nazi wasn't going to bend an inch. This $22 transaction was more meaningful than a long-time customer.

I entered the Grapevine store to see what I could do. A pleasant gentleman behind the counter was taking orders. I was 3rd in line. Immediately I thought, "This store isn't run by the same folks that operate Grand Prairie."

Turns out, I was right.

As I explained our quandary, the gentleman said, "Oh yeah, you were just in the drive-through." I told him Grand Prairie refused to issue a refund. He was shocked. I asked what I could do. He asked me what we ordered and I told him. He punched it into his computer and said, "I got you." No, no, no - that wasn't the solution I was looking for and I insisted on paying. "No," he insisted, "I got you."

I thanked him and told him I was going to share this story. I gave him my business card, took a quick selfie as he handed me the order, gave him a bro hug, and thanked him asking, "What's your name?" I'm pretty sure he said, "Able." If not, I apologize. It was busy and I didn't want to detain him.

Schlotzsky's in Grand Prairie - Small Hill Drive - boos and hisses to your ownership and management for pathetic customer services

Schlotzsky's in Grapevine - kudos and salutes to your ownership and management for stepping up to do the right thing. A special shout-out to the gentleman in the picture. He understands how to be excellent!

NOTE: Abel is his name! Hours later and I'm still very impressed with this man. Visit Abel and his staff at the Schlotzsky’s in Grapevine, Texas and tell them you saw this post.

Pursue excellence. Chase consistency in that excellence.

Do it in your professional life. Do it in your personal life.

There are opportunities everywhere!

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