Lessons for Leaders

Do you find it difficult to say no to people? Perhaps it means you end up being busy, stressed, over-committed? Often when we struggle to say no to people it can leave us feeling used, put up-on, juggling too many things. Are you the one who ends up working late because you've said yes to others, yet you're the one with more to do?

Are you saying yes, instead of no because you're a people pleaser or because you end up feel guilty?

When you struggle to say no, look at what's going on when you feel like this? What feeling or emotion comes up for you when people ask you do something? Perhaps there are past experiences and situations mean that you've learned it's easier to say yes than no.

For many it's a worry or fear about what others will think. I've previously covered the fear of rejection in episode 16 and just last week talked about giving and receiving feedback.

But the reality is that if we end up saying yes when we really don't want to, don't have time, or any other reason, then we end up feeling resentful, we're repeatedly programming ourselves that our feelings, time, our priorities don't matter. Are we really saying that we don't matter? I hope not, but sometimes perhaps we are.

Consider the other situation – you say yes so many times that you end up worn out, then there's really no chance of you saying yes to anything if you've made yourself poorly! Focus on the benefits of saying no.

When you hear me talk about boundaries – which can be a lot – what I say is that boundaries teach respect. So by having great boundaries and learning to say no means that we show people and ourselves that we are not a pushover, we treat ourselves respectfully too.

Apparently the Mayo clinic has done research that concludes that saying no can help to reduce your stress levels and increase your happiness.

A key element is to ensure you're concise. Too much waffle and they will pick holes in what you're saying.

No excuses – you don't really need to give an explanation, and often when there are excuses, you give people space to try and persuade you otherwise.

No is complete a sentence. Which I love. Sometimes that's all you need. That's pretty concise! But if you're already feeling guilty or worrying about how No will be received, you'll need a bit more help.

At work, if your colleague or boss asks you to do something extra. If you're going to struggle then stick to the facts and point out, if I do this, then that will happen. What would you like me to work on first? What would you like to let slide from the deadlines? I used to do this all the time. Sometimes they forget all that you're doing, or don't stop to think about your timelines and deadlines and workload. All you're doing is pointing it out and helping them to remember.

If you're asked if you will do a baking for the school or some other thing – often they sound like a small thing, but reality is it's not a 10 minute job.

I don't have time and would hate to let you down, so I'll have to say no.

If they try to persuade just repeat the same.

I just don't have time. Sorry.

See how concise that is? No excuses.

You might be thinking "oh gosh, doesn't anyone else every do these things" I get you. But don't say it out loud. Then that's the resentment showing through.

Keep it simple.

• No I can't, I have something else arranged.
• No, I've got a prior commitment
• Sorry, I don't have availability to fit that in

If you get asked to contribute to a charity event / sponsored thing at work and it feels like everyone is asking you right now then ...

Thanks so much for asking me. I've already given to a few charities/sponsorships this month. I'll bear this in mind for another time. Good luck with everything.

This doesn't directly say no. So it's a great one if you struggle with the word, but you're still clear and leave no room for any persuasion or them to try to and re-negotiate.

Now, if you truly believe that these people will be upset with you, then they're already not respecting you and your time and your values or limits. So really, that's an indication about them, not you.

Anyone that gets upset, moody or is just expecting you to pick things up really isn't bearing you in mind at all with this. You have a right to say no without having to explain all the time.

If all else fails, do the "I'll get back to you:. Let me check that and let you know gives you the ability to get away from the situation. You can assess. Take deep breaths. Formulate your answer and deliver later, not too much later, when you've had a bit of space to practice saying no.

Give yourself permission to say no without the pressure, guilt or worry.

This might take practice. But it will get easier and you'll feel so much more confident too. Confidence of anything comes with practice.

What will you say no to this week? I'd love you to message me and let me know, or book a call and let talk about your boundaries and self worth.

BBP42 Giving and Receiving Feedback

How good are you at taking feedback or even giving feedback?

Yet another podcast episode inspired by the activities in the BB House with GCSEs taking place. Emma talks about the conversation she has with her daughter when reviewing the practice exam papers. She struggled with some feedback and said 'I know that you're right, I just don't like to hear it"

It's often common that many of us don't always like to give or receive feedback.

We need to make sure when we give feedback, we are clear, concise and definitely not unkind.

Whether you're a business owner, a leader in business or need to give or receive feedback in any other place in your life. For many of us it can be difficult to give feedback or hear it.

When I was in corporate work, we gathered 360 feedback. It looked at what went well, what wasn't going well, what can be improved. This type of information can help us to improve.

Many of us struggle to receive and give feedback. We can dread the thought of giving or hearing feedback. That phrase about constructive criticism provokes a feeling of dread, fear or unease.

Feedback done the right way, with the right intentions can help us to improve our understanding or performance. Sometimes it means we need to do a bit of personal work or even stay calm enough to be able to hear it.

Emma talks about the way she asks for feedback in her coaching business and gives examples. Some of the questions that Emma asks, helps her to know what needs are being met and what can be done to improve, so that we do not settle into situations and stop the progress.

When you're thinking about feedback, make sure it will give you information that you want, even if it's difficult to hear.

Feedback should not be about giving surprising information. Especially in the workplace. Emma talks about quarterly 1:1 meetings to ensure regular updates. It can help to ensure you're working on track and not going down a path that is not helpful.

Ensure feedback is really clear and specific. Stick to the facts with feedback. Sometimes you might want to say "this might be hard to hear" to pre-empt that it might be difficult but there is a better response. Be factual and keep the emotions out of the feedback.

Be clear about what you mean. Be exact with the information, perhaps about the piece of work, is it accurate, or is the person to friendly or too casual. Being exact means that person knows what they need to tweak or change to correct and adjust.

Ensure you don't generalise or over-exaggerate. Using words like "all" or "never" means it's probably not true, so try not to use phrases like this.

Give feedback from a person-centred approach – using the work I. I felt this, I saw this. When we use "you" it can seem accusatory and can seem like we are wagging a finger in their face, so keep the feedback to I heard / I felt.

Use a feedback sandwich. This starts with a positive piece of feedback, then the negative, then finish with a positive. If it's just negative feedback it can feel like an attack and the other person gets defensive or disheartened.

If you're asking for feedback. Be careful. Sometimes some people ask for feedback and don't like the information or answer that they receive! If you're asking for feedback, bear in mind there will always be more than one opinion, sometimes that might not be what you want to hear.

Emma shares a story about people sat round a table and someone asks for feedback, but the response was not what was expected. It made for a difficult situation.

Whatever the emotions that arise as a result of feedback, you're not responsible for other people's feelings. Ensure your feedback is helpful and constructive.

But don't ask questions if the answer might not be what you want to hear! Sometimes we need to take a deep breath, take on board the information and decide what you will use and what you will not.

As a final helpful point, Emma advises that you make sure you get feedback from people you respect and that are invested in you too. If someone is on opposing sports team, then their opinion and feedback is not going to align.

Often if clients get a tough piece of feedback Emma advised them to go and look at a book review. Pick a book that you've read that was great for you, notice the reviews that align with your views and also that there will be other negative opinions there. Sometimes there will be feedback (often that we haven't asked for) and it might not be applicable.

You have a choice about what you listen to, what helps you grow and move forward.

Get in touch with Emma to book a call or email any feedback.

What do you do when you love making money but it's never supposed to be talked about?

This is the conversation I have with Sarupa Shah who always knew she had healing qualities but also had an MBA. She knew she wanted to make money in her business.

Emma talks about how refreshing it is to hear the conversation about being comfortable talking about making money. It's not about making money in a mercenary way. This is something Sarupa had to rationalise, even from the times in her corporate world where people couldn't believe how she was able to make the money from the experience she had.

"Particularly as women, we want to say we're not doing it for the money, but if we are not doing it to earn money, then there are no brownie points for doing this."

Money is simply an exchange of value for value. We pay for something we need and the person receives that value. It provides a commitment. We can all go on free calls, free webinars and never implement anything because we have no real investment, other than the time we have spent. Money is a stronger investment.

Emma mentions how she talks a lot about the mindset and the beliefs we grow up with and how this can affect our beliefs about money too. When Emma digs deep into the beliefs about money and some of the experiences they have and the examples they give about what they think about money, it sets the value for themselves and the belief about how money comes around.

Sarupa doesn't talk about spreadsheets and spending but from that point of the relationships with yourself. Money is an ally that will enable you to do the things you want to do, homes extensions, holidays etc. When the people we work with are invested they are more likely to implement, grow and receive the work we do with them when we invest, respect and appreciate ourselves.

"It's just me, why would anyone want to pay me for that?" A can of worms can open up and every belief we hold can come to the surface.

Emma talks about the belief of "if you work hard, you will do well" and Sarupa talks about how she believes we need to work smarter. Sometimes we need to look at the reality and assess whether we are really turning up to our desk to productive work, rather than the constant thinking in our head, doing it all and feeling like nothing is working. There's no rhythm or consistency because people are not really showing up in their work.

Sarupa shares that she was a terrible employee but when she was running her own business she came to realization that she was running off her savings and had to remember that her family used to call her "lucky devil" who always believed she could make things happen.

She could see she was making a difference in other people's lives and wondering what was wrong with her then. Her money work was born then, she had a lot of judgement about being wrong or greedy and had to deal with that.

Emma shares her experiences of her network when people ask to work for free, or for the exposure or a reference. Sarupa shares that she's not a fan of trading skills because the energy and investment becomes imbalanced. The exchange of swapping money is really important and allows us to grow with that investment.

It's about being honest with ourselves and look at the story you are telling yourself. Take a long hard look in the mirror and look at what's not working, what can you do about moving through the uncomfortable feelings and the other stories that come up. Being able to be honest and allowing yourself to get support in. Stop looking at getting support in as being a failure. We need to give ourselves the support we need and explore the inner work about our value, our courage and addressing the stories, beliefs, excuses and fears.

That way we explore and break old patterns and change habits so that we do things differently. That way we can write a new money storey.

The Abundance Aunt Column in the Spirit and Destiny Magazine

https://thesoulagentblog.com/ has resources and information on Sarupa's work.

To get in touch with Emma, you can contact her by email and book a call to talk about how to help you perform at the next level without the fear doubt or overwhelm.

How often do you undervalue yourself? What is not often clear is that our own sense of value, our self-worth comes from our very core. It's about our inherent belief we have around our value. However, it also sets the standard for how others value us. How family, friends, relationships value us often comes from the messages we give out and the value we have of ourselves. So, what can you do to value yourself more?

We all have some sort of value to offer. Yes, we do. Even if you're reading this and dismissing it. We all have a value. Even if you're thinking "isn't it a bit boastful or bigheaded?" Well, no. It's about being realistic about who you are and what you offer. That's what I mean when I say it comes from your core. It has to come from inside you.

If you look at external recognition and validation for the value you offer in any situation then you're going to get a mixed response – because we're all different. One person can tell you you're amazing and great and another person will think that thing is only mediocre! Ouch!

Maybe you've been fixing your value on what you earn, on your income, on the flashy car, on getting approval from someone or even the number of likes / shares / comments on social media. (I know we see this a lot with teens, but it doesn't always stop there does it).

When we recognise our faults, we know we're not perfect but then we also know areas to develop and work on. That's a good thing.

By this I mean that we forgive ourselves for mistakes and struggles. It's easy to get things wrong, to forget things, to get cross with the kids. But if you beat yourself up and go back over things for days, you're focusing on the negatives and mistakes you'll be punishing yourself for days. Be kind and accepting of yourself.

Listen in for the example I gave about changing perspective on a mistake and what I did with my daughter so she didn't beat herself up.

Also, don't put yourself down. If you're someone who says "I'm just xyz" when asked what you do. Please stop. You are not "just" anything – you are a unique, valuable, and wonderful human being who matters.

Well, at least put yourself higher up your list of priorities. It's a bit like the old oxygen mask scenario isn't it. If you don't put your oxygen mask on, you won't be around to help others. This is something I've talked with clients a lot this past week. Sometimes you have to recognise that you need sleep / food / time out otherwise those other things just won't happen! So you put a value on you – whether you're the lynchpin, the organiser, the calmer-down, the one who delivers. If you're not well, none of that stuff will happen.

Gosh this is such a destructive way to be yet so many people do this. In my work I see and hear lots of others who would appear to have a great job, fabulous business, some other things that we might admire but it's not always the be-all. The thing is that you only get to see what they want them to see.

I've worked with WAGs, millionaires, senior businessmen, musicians oh the list goes on. All would appear to 'have' the idyllic life. Let me tell you that there was a reason they came to work with me and it wasn't because life was rosey. It can be a tough one, but really work on accepting yourself for who you are.

This is not about boasting and oversharing. This is about getting real honest, decent feedback from people around you that you respect. When we get used to sharing the good positive achievements, we also are able to get validation about our value, our contribution. Remind yourself of the things you've achieved. Keep a notebook if necessary so you can look back through if times are tough or if you need help remembering. If someone pays you a compliment, say thank you. However uncomfortable you might feel. Practice saying thank you.

There are lots of ways you can increase your development. This blog and The Business Balance Podcast is one way! So well done for tuning in or reading. Even better if you're taking action.

One of my business buddies talked the other day about listening to podcasts and writing notes. That's awesome. But there are blogs, books, videos all sorts of things you can do to increase your development. You might want to develop your fitness, develop a skill – they don't all have to be work related.

If you'd like to talk about how to increase your value, confidence, self belief or reduce the stress, doubt or overwhelm then I've got just two spaces right now for 1:1 clients. Book your call here to talk about what's going on with you and let see if we're the right fit for each other.

To finish I'd like to say a thank you to those who have left a review of this podcast on i-tunes. If you want to get yours read out then go over and leave me a review.

BBP39 Getting Through Tough Times

What do we do when things get really tough and we feel like there are too many challenges and so much difficulty that we think we can't deal with it? In the business balance house it's GCSE time and there is a lot of pressure on my daughter, on teens generally, but also it's tough for the parents when trying to balance the teen pressure, behaviour and timescales.

Also, when I think about how I balanced the household, business, family when my mum was ill. That was tough. There can be lots of reasons that we have a lot going on and things feel tough.

So what can we do to help us get through tough times. Here's a few things I discussed with my daughter around GCSEs and with clients recently too.

In the podcast, I go into more detail on each of these, but this gives you an idea:

We can beat ourselves up quite easily about trying to do all things. We can lose perspective about timeframes too. Break things down. Listen in for the example I give where the exams feel too much and how we broke it down from seeming like big challenge of 6 weeks, to being 17 days. It changes the perspective and keeps it more positive. I also change the countdown to my holidays, as I explain in the episode. So you change the perspective to change how big, how far away, how much it is that you have to do.

This is what I used to do in corporate with transformations and change. People got stressed about the plans. We can't change what senior level decide. We can't change what the government decides about GCSEs. When we recognise what we can change and what we can't, then we have to go with the flow.

Can we influence things? If you can influence with the effort you put in, the way you show up, by doing the revision, then yes we can influence this.

If there is nothing you can do, then perhaps you need to let things go. I let it go about what our government decides our kids at school need to do with exams! If it's to do with your job then maybe you decide you can change and control by looking for another job, stepping up in area, getting coaching, learning something else to go and get another job or promotion, or, you need to let things go.

When you focus on the outcomes, your big why then it can help to drive you forward. Sometimes it feels too big to focus on the bigger picture or importance, so it really depends where you are and how you think. For my daughter, getting GCSEs, it's about where she wants to go after this, to sixth form and university. Also for her, I reminded her that she's got a longer summer from June after the exams and she can spend time doing other things.

For my client, listen in where I explained about how I talked about making a plan, having a goal even if you don't like having things nailed down in fine detail. Having a time set ahead you can see in your diary that there is a time for your goal and reward.

Give yourself a break. The thing that will get you through these tough times is being kind to you and enabling you do some of the things you love, just as much as pushing ahead on the tough stuff.

For my daughter I reminder her that there's all the children in her school and across the country! That's a lot of children. When we know we are not alone, it calms things down and we remember it's not just us.

Listen in the Emma explaining about how many people she sees with the worries, stress, anxiety and tough times. That's a lot of clients who have had struggles. You are definitely not alone.

This is part of knowing you're not alone. When we reach out we often get feedback that says "I've felt like that too". The important thing is to listen. It's not about fixing their problem, it's just listening.

"A problem shared is a problem halved".

Listen as Emma tells the story of how she had to offload when the kids were little and needed to train her husband to be able to listen and not fix or solve the problem.

Hopefully this is helpful. It's not intended for someone with severe mental health issues, but times can get tough and we need to be able to change the way we think about things to feel like we can cope.

If you feel you need someone to talk to then do get in touch or call and speak to someone.

If this has been of value to you, please leave me a comment or a review and share with someone else to help them too.

Our inner beliefs and the perceptions that we have of ourselves can play a big part in keeping us stuck, keeping us small. They limit the belief that we have about ourselves and our abilities.

Whether you want to believe it or not, the majority of beliefs will have become programmed within us from an early age. A young person aged between 0-7 years old has a mind like a sponge. The mind's whole purpose is to soak up the information from all around us. It's how we are programmed, how our brains work and how we learn.

The information that we take on board, can come from everywhere in our lives, everything we see, everything we do and everything that is said to us. All of our experiences, circumstances and the people around us – family, friends, parents, teachers and others shape our beliefs. So does society, television, books, games… the list can go on and on! You get the idea.

We form our beliefs from positive statements we hear, positive information and feedback we receive, we create positive inner beliefs which help us to achieve success. However, negativity also influences our beliefs, negative feedback and negative comments can create negative beliefs which hold us back and limit our success. These negative or limiting beliefs become the things we believe about ourselves. Whilst these beliefs are not necessarily true facts about ourselves, they are things we we believe to be true.

For example if someone says "that's stupid" or "that's not enough" then we often assume that statement is about us, especially at a young age. It might have been said about an action or piece of work, but at a young age, there is no ability to differentiate, so it is assumed that the comment is about ourselves.

Naturally, our brain fills in the gaps between what we see, what we hear and what happens around us. Then we may start to form a belief about ourselves that we are stupid. That young person may begin to believe "I am stupid". This then becomes a self-limiting belief which gets in the way of us achieving our goals, whether we realise it is happening or not!

There's a story that I tell people who work with me - listen in for that.

We learn these beliefs and if we don't change them, they become who we are. In order to break free, we have to change those negative beliefs to positive ones. As long as you believe that you cannot accomplish something, you won't accomplish it. Your inner beliefs define who you are, but inner beliefs can be changed.

When we are able to let go of that belief about ourselves, we are able to see things differently, approach situations differently and respond differently.

If you ever say, "I can't…" then that is a limiting belief. It is not true, but if it is your belief than it becomes true.

"I can't go for that promotion because…" As long as this is your belief, then you won't get the promotion, because it's probably easier not to try. It's safer to stay where you are.

Those fear responses that we have are designed to keep you safe. However sometimes the safety isn't about life and death, it's just about being at ease or comfortable.

"I can't possible ask xyz ... what if they say no?" This is a common one and I've talked in episode 16 about the fear of rejection.

Stop to listen to the words you use and the messages you say to yourself or others around you. What reasons are you giving for not being able to do something? Here's the things – at the end of the day, these reasons, they're actually excuses. Oooh I know that might sound harsh. These excuses are going to be based on your limiting beliefs. If you want to make changes and keep moving forward and onwards then I'm sorry, we're going to have to look at the tough stuff. So listen to your words. Write them down if necessary. Then take it up a level to find an overall belief.

One of my beliefs was about being judged. Listen in to the way that bothered me and what I did about it.

When we work on our limiting beliefs, things in our everyday life start to change.

Listen to the words you are saying and the excuses you are making.

Recognise and accept that this is your belief. Write it down and own it.

Question it, challenge it. Is it really, really true? Is it true NOW? What if this really just does not apply or if you got it wrong when you were little?

Start to look for evidence that this belief is not true. Maybe if it's I'm not good enough, get out all your certificates of training or your pay slips or look at your family. Does it really show that belief?

Write this down too. Next to each negative belief write a new positive belief.

For example: Limiting Belief: I cannot speak in front of people; I am too shy. New Belief: I am a good speaker and have information that others will want to hear.

Every day look at your list of new positive beliefs and say them to yourself – out loud!

Say them to yourself whenever you are feeling a lack of confidence. You may even want to list them on a note card to carry around with you so they are available throughout the day. If you keep saying them, they will eventually become a part of you. You will have changed your inner beliefs to positive ones.

What success or progress could you achieve when you stop limiting yourself through your beliefs?

I'd love you to let me know in the comments or send me an email.

If you loved this episode, please do leave a review and sign up for my newsletter to get this in your inbox at the next release date!

If you want to talk about working with me then book a call

What can we do when we worry too much?

This episode is inspired by the help I've been provided for my daughter whilst she's worrying about her GCSE's. It's not just GCSE's that cause worry these days. There's so much pressure in daily lives that what works for my teen also works for my clients (and vice versa).

When you find the thoughts go round and round in your head, what do you do? Ignore them? When we do that they make our head busy, we can't think straight.

Here's what we can do when we worry too much.

First we need to recognise they are they are there.

Listen into the explanation Emma gives about how worries are like a small child vying for attention. Eventually, we need to turn out attention to that child and listen.

We need to do the same with our worries. Recognise they are there.

"Train your brain to recognise those nagging moments"

If we continue to pretend those anxious thoughts are not there, they will continue to remind us they are!

Find a chair or space in your house that you can sit in for about 10 minutes a day and give time and space to your worries. Make sure this is a space you don't normally use, a spare chair or even half way up the stairs! Use this worry spot to let the thoughts, worries, stressors go round in your head. Allow them to be there. Often given them time and space to just ramble around can make them seem clearer or less of a concern. If some of them aren't sorted in 10 minutes, then that's ok. Just tell them you'll come back to them the next day.

5.20m

"When you calm down the worries you create space in your head"

When we begin to recognise what those are there, we can change them. That's it – – just notice them – allow them to be there. With a bit of practice the thoughts can begin to seem different. When you've noticed that they are there, instead of trying to stop them, avoid them, ignore them or even change them. Just let them be there.

6.30m Listen to the explanation about how Emma helped her daughter with a customer service type plan.

You might like to let your thoughts know you've notice them, that you know they are there. You can do this out loud if you like but a little thought in your head will do the trick. Then you don't have to do anything else with those anxious thoughts, you don't have to tell anyone else they are there. You don't even have to agree with them. Just notice them.

When you really spend a few moments recognising they are there; you can begin to sort them out. Are they big or small? Are they heavy or light? Which ones are really important and which are just little niggles? Maybe some are busy whizzing around and others have been sat there while.

Some you might need to make an appointment to sort out the worry and look at it in more detail. Then the worry won't keep nagging you to look at it and remember it.

That way, whatever shape, size, level of importance they have, it gets so much easier to cope with them being there without them being so difficult / annoying / scary.

9.30m If you've been a constant worrier for a long time, you might need to sit down for 10 minutes each day and look at the worries. Doing this frequently will re-train your brain and over time the worries will be become less.

It might seem a bit weird at first – especially if you've lived with worries and anxious thoughts for a loooonnng time. It can be a weird in a good way!

Let me know how you get on with a comment below or get in touch with me, drop me a message HERE or book a call with me to talk about how I can help you .

On this episode I'm joined by Lori J Lee who has Love Your Story Podcast and came to talk to me about that subject.

Lori does research on the personal narrative of your story.

We talked about having balance in our lives in connection with that.

One of the main things that is really interesting to become aware of is the idea that our stories and our lives, are created by our culture's and our religions, our families, social groups. When you realise that all of that is constructed, then even the things we think are important, are actually very fluid. We can also realise that it's within your mental capability to decide what is actually important to you and what you actually want to spend time on.

Stories that we focus on, has a lot to do with whether you feel balanced, and where you're focusing your time. So I think all of that just gets woven together, really interestingly.

3.13m Emma often talks about these British expectations that we have, about the stiff upper lip and where we don't talk about emotions, we don't talk about feelings, it is quite a sort of Northern European thing, but very much a British thing.

Lori says how that's a perfect example of our story narrative.

When we talk about balance in our lives, balance might look some, like something different for each person. So if your priorities are very strongly revolving, say, around your family, and career, and those are your main focuses, then for you, those would be the two things that you would want to balance.

Whereas for somebody else balance might be being really physically healthy, a real focus on working out and being really focused on the nightlife and being social. Another thing that might be very important to them is just friend relationships, maybe they're not as connected to their family.

So balance also is going to look different for people, depending on what stage of life you're in. And depending on what all of those other cultural factors are that have informed you, as you've created your own perception of what a good life looks like.

I think maybe just even acknowledging that is important to realise that the story changes. What makes a good story? When you think about the books and the movies, you really get drawn into the good stories. They're the ones where a character has something very important to them that they need and want, and they're willing to work for it and push past obstacles. That's what makes a good story.

So when we're looking at writing our own life stories, we get to take into consideration, that a good life story doesn't look like sitting and binge watching Netflix, right? A good story isn't even working and working, working. So you can buy that next new car or that better house. And if you were watching a movie about that, you're not going to be cheering them on, you're going to feel ripped off on what your money back, because that's a really boring storyline.

The good stories are the ones where we're being vulnerable, where we're trying for things where we're learning things, where we're out there in the mess, and getting the message out of the mess, whatever that is.

So, when we're talking about life stories, we're not talking about something clean, we're talking about the messiness of learning and growing and seeking for things and falling down. And one of the main things that I think is important as business people and just as people is to realise the control that we have over the things that happen. And let me clarify that - I don't mean, the control we have necessarily on what happens to us, but the control we have on the stories we build around what happens to us.

So there are things we do that we cause to have happen. And there are things that happen in our lives that somebody else causes to happen. And then there are things in life that happened that you know, somebody gets cancer, or they're just things about life living that aren't necessarily someone's fault, they just are things we have to deal with. And in those spaces, the real power of coming to understand your life story and the story you want to create, moving forward.

Regarding balance or regarding stress, or regarding just living a life story you're going to be proud of, really have to do with that control that you have. And you might not have control over what other people do, or just the the life things that happen that you do have control about your perception of those and the meaning that you give them.

Lori talks about how she did not love her story and she started a research project to look at life expectations. The short answer is, of course not. That question when asked, resulted in 19 out of 20 people saying no, it did not.

She put in a lot of emotional intelligence work in coming to love her story which propelled her into the space of creating the "Love Your Story" podcast and interviewing people about their story. They are people who are dealing with the hard stuff, but look for the meaning behind those situations. They look for the things that they can take away from a difficult experience rather than just the pain and just the cynicism and just the bitterness.

16.20. Lori encourages listeners to talk a bit of an inventory. Are you creating a story around any part of your life where you're feeling victimised, picked on, mistreated, embittered?

We all that those spaces. But when we get to them, we get to decide whether we decide to look for something more up-lifting. Sometimes we have to dig for that and sometimes we only get to see the learning once we've got through the dark space. But it all comes back to what stories are we telling ourselves?

You get to tell yourself a story about how blessed you are because you're learning and show real gratitude about the things that are working. Or we can sit there and look at all the things that are rubbing us the wrong way at that moment.

Depending which stories we tell ourselves, this will create the life experience that we're having. If we're looking for the positive we will see that versus all of the things that are going wrong.

18.15 Emma talks about how we can re-wire our brain to see the positives and things we're grateful for. This includes all the small things in the day. Lori talks about how these can help us realise how many wonderful things go on. Those focuses change the whole layout of the day. They discuss some of the day to day tiny thing that bring joy into their lives.

"No storyteller can describe everything that ever happens to a hero. As autobiographers, we build our stories from a very limited selection of facts. The information we choose to include or exclude determines whether we see our lives as comedy, tragedy, romance, or adventure" Martha Beck

In other words, our stories become what we focus on.

I didn't realise the extent to which I can control over the stories I told myself. How would my three divorces look differently if I'd felt less victimised? How would it have looked different, if I had understood more about what I could focus on. I don't know how it would have changed things.

25.0m Lori talks about what she's focussing on now in her relationships.

All the listeners need to think about their significant other. Of course, there's going to be irritants there always are, but are you focused on the irritants? are you focusing on the reasons you let them into your life in the first place? And just that focus is going to determine so much about where that relationship goes?

"They're doing the best they can, at this time, with what they know and their experiences" Brene Brown.

Lori shares the detail about her new book. LIFE - 21 life hacks.

LIFE, stands for Living Intentional and Fearless Every-day. And it's the 21 life connection challenges. And I specifically wrote it, because it's 21 life hacks. So it's a way to practice doing and creating things in your everyday life story, that are going to create more connection, and more self care and more possibility in your life story. So they're, they're wonderful. It's done in a workbook style. But one of those things, one of the challenges on is for that particular day, to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

When you do these challenges every day, you start to see the difference that it makes.

We're all living the best we can, but when we do these challenges it can shift the way we feel. Lori gives a great example of how this worked for her and helped a friendship that she might have let slip.

The more we practice this, over and over, like any neural pathway, the more fantastic you'll see it play out in your life. Then those stories serve you and don't hold you back.

Lori's key piece of advice (even if it's a shameless plug) would be to buy that book. It was created as a tool to help listeners to be able to life their best life on purpose. You can get it on Amazon, you can get it on her website, but it's just a fun structured way that you know, it has the workbook section where you can write at the end of the day, you you want to go back, because it's definitely part of the learning process of going back and writing about your experience that you created with that challenge that day.

Then you can create wonderful stories for you.

If you enjoyed this episode, please do subscribe, leave me a review and join the newsletter so that you get all my information and advice straight into your inbox.

You can also book a call with me if you'd like to talk about working with me http://www.emmalangton.com/bookacall/

In the current fast paced world with always on mentality we need to ensure that we are in control and find ways to balance our time, our brain power, our energies. This week on the podcast Emma talks about key ways you can achieve work-life balance.

A good few years ago a survey of City employees was carried out by Credent Technologies' and they discovered that less than a quarter of those who responded had taken a holiday with NO contact with the office.

Just under half, reported that they felt being available 24/7 gave them job security so that this gave them some justification that technology was necessary and ensured they were not 'missing out' or being left behind when important decisions were being made.

It would seem that just switching off the phone or computer is not that easy for some people. I've had clients who, when asked to turn their phone off for the session, admitted they never turned their phone off and some were not sure how to!

Fear of missing out is a real thing. It's used in advertising and sales, however we are reinforcing this in ourselves by having this mindset of needing to be contactable all the time.

The lifestyle of never fully switching our devices also means we're rarely switching off our brains too. Just like everything else in the world, we need to be able to power down properly. Without that, stress will build. It can affect you even if you don't realise it.

Many people end up living with a higher level of stress hormone so that it becomes the 'norm' for them.

Stress can mean that you make poor decisions or that it stunts your creativity. It affects your ability to concentrate fully, or to concentrate for decent periods of time. When everything seems like it just such hard work to do the basics, you end up working harder, becoming more tired and this affects your performance too. It's a vicious cycle.

According to the National Labour Force Survey (LFS) 40% of sick days in the British workplace were stress related. If you or your colleagues end up taking time off because of stress, then the impact of that means the pressure and workload is increased too.

A company stress management policy can be helpful. But I've heard about HR departments handing out a stress risk assessment and advising that it is given to the employee to complete and return, rather than sit down and discuss and go through it together. They know that often stressed people don't return the assessment. That's one less job to deal with!

However, as I say to all my clients and the companies where deliver my stress workshops – "you cannot change or control anyone else, so we have to change your response to these situations".

It's key that you recognise stress in yourself (that's included in episode 33) so that you can protect your mental health and wellbeing.

• Stop Multitasking – give each task all of your attention and brain power. It can take longer to switch from one task to another and re-focus, so shut off notifications, drag yourself away from the distractions.
• Schedule. I advocate that all my clients make time to schedule tasks and activities. This isn't about being pernickety about your time, it's about ensuring that you have time set to look at and deal with certain tasks. It also means that your brain doesn't have to hold all the information and keep reminding you of that 'thing' you have to do. It's a bit like making an appointment with yourself to deal with those differing things.
• Take breaks. They don't have to be huge, but just a little break, 30 minutes away from the desk can make a huge impact. (listen to what I said when someone asked me how many walks Charlie the dog gets …).
• Take Time back. If you have to work longer for a project or particular day then take that time back … I always had to work late on a Friday, it became a pattern, so no matter how much I wanted to get away, it never happened. Instead I started taking long lunch breaks, because the pressure would hit from about 2pm on Friday afternoon. Being realistic stops you getting stressed about what you would like to happen, rather than what really is happening.
• Reward yourself for achievement. It's easy to always move on to the next tasks or job but it can be demoralising to never feel like you've achieved anything. I had a colleague once who, every now and then would insist on finishing one thing. Just to get that sense of achievement instead of always being pulled away and leaving things not quite completed
• Beware of Perfect – what does perfect look like anyway? It's going to be different for each person. So beware of focussing or fussing on something looking for that perfect arrangements, presentation or even a colour on something. Done is better than perfect.
• Get clear on boundaries. These don't have to be set in stone, but when you get clear on what is and is not acceptable to you, you can clearly set that out for others too. It does often mean a change in mindset and focus because if you decide you're not answering emails after 6pm but then you're so distracted thinking about that big project, the boundaries are not going to be effective for you. Boundaries work for you, rather than against you. But it's important to maintain periods where you're not working or thinking about work.
• Say no. This is a tough one for some people. If you tend to say yes almost without thinking then work on that. A good way is rather than answering straight away, say let me check that, or I'll get back you. This gives you time to think about whether you really want to do this, or can do it. If you do want to say yes, fine. But if you want to say no, say no and keep saying it. The important thing is that you don't waffle. No is a complete sentence. Don't justify your actions or give excuses, that can give the asker the opportunity to squeeze into your reasons.
• Take some time off. If things get too much, taking a few days off or a long weekend can help you feel refreshed and actually increase your productivity in the long-run. Use the holiday you're entitled to.
• Don't let your life be work. Make time for hobbies, interests, exercise, enjoyment. Nurture relationships and get involved in things that are outside of work and colleagues.

I hope this is helpful for you and you feel able to put some of these things in your life. If you want to talk to me about how we can work together on this, or how this can be implemented in your workforce, then get in contact with me or book a call and let's talk.

While some workplace stress is normal, excessive stress can interfere with your productivity and performance, impact your physical and emotional health, and affect your relationships and home life. It can even determine success or failure on the job.

Many employees are reluctant to talk about stress at work. There is still a stigma attached to stress and people still think they will be seen as weak if they admit they are struggling. But stress is not a weakness, and can affect anyone at any level of an organisation.

Therefore, it's important that an employer takes steps to tackle the work-related causes of stress in its organisation and encourage staff to seek help at the earliest opportunity if they begin to experience stress.

Whatever your ambitions or work demands, there are steps you can take to protect yourself from the damaging effects of stress, improve your job satisfaction, and boost your well-being in and out of the workplace.

Stress is a huge contributor to people needing time off work. Surveys suggest that over 10 million people in the UK are taking time off due to stress and stress related illness. Mental health issues, including stress and anxiety are the reason for one in five visits to a GP.

"Stress is the feeling of being under too much mental or emotional pressure". (NHS)

The people that I see regularly, come to me for coaching and other help because they still don't want to go to their GP AND they don't want to take time off or alert their employer that they are feeling under pressure.

We are all different! What one person finds stressful may be normal or even exciting for another! What one person notices is happening with them (with physical or emotional symptoms) might be different for another person. The trick is to know how to identify it in ourselves (that I talked about in episode 33) and learn what we can do about it. What works well with one person may not work well with you, so it's important that you find out what works for you.

1. Raise Awareness

Recognising the things that cause more stress or pressure will help you identify the causes. Whether that's for you or your workforce. It might feel like it's you whole job, but it probably isn't really. I know that it sounds like this is adding more to your to-do list (and I really don't advocate that) but this is one thing that will pay off. Once you know what works for you, talk to your employer or employees about this. They may be able to make some changes to help you.

1. Learn tools and strategies

Different things work for different people. Sometimes it's just a simple breathing technique, earning how to relax your body so that you don't store the tension in your neck, shoulders or jaw. Maybe you take a walk at lunchtime even if it's just to grab the sandwich. . Learn different coping techniques to use as soon as you start to feel pressure building. It may take time to find a method that works for you. Having tools and strategies to catch things before the stress gets out of hand means you can get back on track and back to performing at your best.

1. Prioritise Your To-Do List

Writing down all the things you have to do can be very helpful at getting clear on your tasks and priorities. Score their importance between 1 and 10. Look at what you NEED to do, what's nice to do, what can be left or what can you ask someone else to do? What's on the list that only you care about? Sort into importance and see what you can leave or delegate.

Tackle the highest / most difficult / most important task first. When you've got most of your energy and brain power. That often means leaving your email until later in the day.

1. Disconnect from Social Media

I know, you'll be quietly dying inside about this, but it's hugely important and VERY effective. Disconnect when you take that walk for your sandwich, leave your phone downstairs at night, switch off when in the car and just listen to the radio, get a separate phone for work so you can switch it off at weekends or during family time. It enables you to properly calm down your brain and create space.

1. Have a support network

You might have a manager or co-workers that you can talk to. Listen to the podcast where I talk about what I did with a team and a very boss. It shows how finding humour in the situations can be really helpful.

Listening attentively, will mean that person feels heard and understood. Any opportunity to talk and be heard will help lower their stress and yours, even if you're unable to change the situation. Sayings things like "I understand this is difficult for you" helps them know that you've been listening.

You're not always there to fix and provide solutions, something people just need to offload. Finding people who will listen and provide the support can balance the negativity.

1. Be Realistic

If you have to give deadlines or make commitments, be realistic about what you can achieve. I often talk to clients and in workshops about creating a buffer between what you can do uninterrupted and without issue and what you can do if emergencies hit. When you're setting deadlines, allow that buffer. Then you won't get frustrated, stressed or annoyed at yourself if you need more time than first anticipated.

I hope that's helpful. My workplace training and workshops cover these things in an interactive way to help your team and workforce be able to help themselves and stay productive. If you'd like to know how I can help you, individually or in workshops, then book a call or contact me