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In today's episode we are talking about effective, verbal communication in relationships. While there are many ways of expressing love and care most relationship experts would agree that talking effectively to each other is crucial in any form of relationship. We discuss how to set the scene for effective communication, how not to communicate and what you will need to address when communicating effectively. Learning to listen to your partner and expressing what you are experiencing are the key blocks of any form of communication.

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We are always communicating with our partner - be it through words or gestures. Even when we are purposefully not communicating, we are sending a message across that we are frustrated, angry, punishing etc.
Talking to your partner is important. It's not the only way of building a good relationship; doing things together that you enjoy are also important. There are many ways of staying connected. In this episode our focus is on verbal communication.

How to communicate
Make time for each other to listen and express regularly. Establish clear rules for talking to each other if there is conflict. 
If there is a difficulty you want to address make sure that 

• you bring up the concern as soon as possible
• your partner is ready to receive you, i.e. not distracted by sending off another work email
• you bring up one concern at a time - don't overwhelm your partner with a shopping list of complaints
• don't bring up the past by saying 'you always', 'you never', '5 years ago...' - stick with the present
• you don't use blaming language. Start by letting your partner know what you are experiencing. Use 'I feel...' statements.

How not to communicate
Avoid the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse - attitudes and behaviours that research of the John Gottman Institute found particularly undermining in relationships:

Criticism - attacking your partner regularly. Not critiquing or expressing your frustration but having a go with at your partner with all round attacks such as 'why are you always so...', 'you're the type of person..., 'you never...'

Contempt - putting your partner down and being mean with the intention to insult and hurt. Feeling morally superior. This is the single most predictor of relationships heading for separation.

Defensiveness - usually happens in response to criticism. Seeing yourself as the victim who is under attack. Denying any form of responsibility.

Stonewalling - often in response to contempt. Withdrawing complete

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Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.