-It’s weird to think that thousands of years ago before calendars were invented, people just had no idea how old they were. Ages just weren’t a thing. You’d walk around and if someone asked, “Hey how old are you?” you’d just say “I don’t fucking know. What does that even mean? I’ve been around for awhile it feels like. I could be 28. I could be 11. No cavewomen could do like a birthday week celebration. Nobody had any fucking clue.

-The term “over the counter” drugs has never made sense to me. You’d think over the counter drugs are prescription drugs that you have to get from the cashier behind the counter. But it actually means non-prescription drugs that you can just get in the aisles. No counter needs to be involved at all in that process.. They should really be called “in-the-aisle drugs.”

-Nothing makes me feel better than walking into my local Starbucks to pick up my mobile order and the barista saying “Oh hey Tom, working on that right now.” I like to look around and the other peons waiting in line and give them a smirk to say “You guys see that? Yeah I’m better than you.”

-I think the biggest tease in life is when you’re on hold for a really long time and then the ringer abruptly cuts for a second or there’s a brief pause, and you think “alright someone’s answering” but then the music just like restarts. I kind of feel like they do that on purpose to keep our hopes up.

-If I ever go to a rodeo one day, it actually would in fact be my first rodeo.

-It has to suck when a really popular band breaks up and the main couple of singers and guitar players, even the drummer, probably go their separate ways and have solo careers. And then you’re stuck being like the fucking keyboard player. He has to be pitching so hard for them to stay together, “Guys I really don’t think we’re ready for our solo careers yet. Please. Can we just do a few more albums?” Guy’s gotta feed his family somehow.