Tommy's Thursday Thoughts

-We talk about the American dream a lot and how there've been so many ambitious people who have set lofty goals and achieved them. Many examples throughout history. But I think the most impressive example of this is the guy at The Michelin Tire Company who decided, “You know know what guys? I get we’ve been doing the whole “making tires thing for awhile” but I have a new idea….. Why don’t we just tell everyone what restaurants are good?” And then the whole world listened. To the people who manufacture rubber wheels. About what food tastes good. It’s incredible they accomplished it. It would be like if Home Depot said “We’ll actually be deciding which moves are Award worthy from here on out” and just did their own Oscars that everyone watched. Good for Michelin.

-With all the talk about Spotify Wrapped this week, it really makes me hope God has a “Life Wrapped” waiting for us at the Pearly Gates. I want to know how much time I spent sleeping, in the shower, on the toilet, watching movies, watching sports. How many words did I say? How many people did I meet? My total distance walked. What foods and drinks did I consume the most? Where is everything I ever lost? It would make the whole dying thing not so bad.

-It’s obviously annoying when you get a waiter or waitress who barely pays attention to you and doesn’t come by enough for refills and whatnot, but equally as bad if not worse is the waiter on the extreme other end of that spectrum. The overbearing, overattentive waiter who won’t let you have a few minutes of peace. The other day I had a waitress refilling my glass every time I took a sip of water. I would see her circling like a shark, eyeing me down every sip I took. It made me not want to drink at all and then I end up just as thirsty as if I had a waitress who didn’t come over at all.

-I recently heard about a charity that raises “awareness” for homeless people. And that seems a little unnecessary to me. Like we should help homeless people, sure, and raise money for them and try to get them into better living situations and employed and what not, but as far as literal awareness goes? I think we’re pretty set on that. Take one walk down a street in New York City and you’ll be plenty aware of homelessness, you don’t need a charity just for that.

-Every year around this time, I tell myself that I’m really going to get into the Christmas spirit this year. As if I was a kid again. I’m gonna watch Christmas movies, listen to a bunch of Christmas music, look at lights and eat cookies and all that shit. Hell, maybe even go caroling? No probably not that, but still other stuff. And then I just never do and Christmas sneaks up on me and it’s already the 25th. I expect this year to probably go the same exact way.

-It’s good that we’ve reached a point in America where racism and bigotry are condemned by almost everybody, and we’ve learned a lot and we’re more tolerant of others and whatnot. But it’s kind of funny how around the holidays, it almost switches to a competition of whose family is the MOST racist. All of the Internet kind of gets in a “my family is more racist than yours” off. Like “Oh you think what YOUR uncle said was bad. Well get a load of MY grandpa said.” Very strange.

Thank you for your time.

-I never know what the protocol is on putting just coins in a tip jar. Like if I get 47 cents back, I don’t really want to carry that around, I’d rather get rid of it and just dump it in the tip jar. And it’s better than giving nothing, but for some reason it feels like it’s worse. You hear that clang hit the bottom of the can and it just makes you feel so cheap. It somehow makes you feel cheaper than giving nothing at all, even though that shouldn’t be the case.

-While I am a big fan of pasta, I rarely find myself getting it as my main course when I go to an Italian restaurant. Because when you get a main pasta dish, you don’t get a side. If I get a meat entree, I’m getting a side of pasta and it’s the best of both worlds. If they offered me a little piece of meat as a side to pasta, I’d probably order it more.

-We’ve reached the time of year where every single second that I spend outside, I’m just wishing that I was inside. And that’s how I know we’re officially in the winter.

-There’s nothing worse than a relationship overestimater. What I mean by that is someone who consistently overestimates what their actual relationship is with a person. It could be someone who thinks you’re really good friends, when you’re just merely acquaintances. Or what’s really embarrassing is when they’ll say things like “Oh yeah I really know the waiter here, he’ll hook us up” or “Oh all the Starbucks baristas here know me. They always have my order read” or “Oh the worker at this deli knows me well. I’m here all the time.” And they try to brag about it, but in reality, they’re just like an average customer to these places. If you’re going to brag about a relationship like that, they better really roll out the red carpet otherwise it’s very embarrassing.

-Getting in an Uber with someone when it’s on their account kind of feels like being a guest at someone’s house. You want to be on your best behavior and not hurt their passenger rating at all, much like if you make a mess at someone’s house or something, you feel bad about it, but also at the same time, there’s a part of you that feels like “Well, at least that’s not really MY problem.” It’s not my house to clean up or my Uber passenger rating taking a hit.

-We’ve officially reached a point where if someone put a gun to your head and asked you, “Does Tommy Smokes have a goatee? Tell me the truth or I kill you” which is a very realistic scenario that could definitely happen, you would have to say yes. It might not be a full beard yet, but there is a noticeable amount of hair on my chin. The problem is, if I can break character for a second here, is that when I meet someone who doesn’t know me, I feel like I have to explain to them that what’s happening on my face is really just a bit. Like if I meet a girl at a bar or something, I need to acknowledge it like “Hey, I just need you to know, that I know, this looks bad. I don’t want you silently judging me thinking that I think this looks good. I know how it looks. I really just wanted to make a few TikToks about it.” I need other people to know that I’m in on it.

-There’s nothing more stressful than an eye exam when they’re asking you what lens looks clearer. There’s so much pressure, and sometimes I can’t tell the difference! They look the same, but it feels so high stakes. It feels like a competition or a test where you need to get the right answer, but it’s really just for your own benefit to make sure you see properly. But I wish they could just tell me which one’s clearer and take the pressure off me. You’re the doctor! Oh and by the way, that eye puff machine thing they do shooting air into your eye? Bring that to Guantanamo Bay because that is pure torture.

-All restaurants should be required to tell you the serving size of appetizers. Wings. Chicken tenders. Sliders for sure. Potato skins. Mozzarella sticks. Anything in that vein, it needs to say on the menu how many come with it for splitting purposes. Save us the time of asking the waiter, and put the number in parentheses.

-I feel like the New Testament has kind of skated by on that “new” tag for a little too long. It’s been like 2000 years now. “New” seems like quite a stretch. It should be “Really, Really, Really, Old, Ancient Testament” And “Slightly Less Old But Still Really Old Testament.” That’s why people don’t go to church as much anymore. They’ve heard the same stories over and over and over. It would be like a TV show just running the same season every year. They should just write some new shit if they want people to go to church more.

-So usually in these videos, I consider myself a teacher of sorts. I give everyone little tips and advice on how to live life correctly and how society can improve. But I’m flipping the script here, I need advice from you guys for once. How often am I supposed to wash my fucking hoodies? Shirts, underwear, socks, I know are every use. Pants after a few wears. Jackets? Never obviously. But hoodies? Not a clue. Every use seems unnecessary. They’re not against your body. But definitely more often than a jacket because they’re on you for longer. But not TOO often because they get a lot less soft. I guess it maybe depends on how long you’re wearing them for in a single use. And then it’s just kind of a smell and stain thing where you feel it out. But I wish there was just a more set rule of how often they get washed because it’s probably the biggest problem in my life right now.

-Someone telling me I’m “underrated” kind of feels like it’s not really that good of a compliment. It’s like saying, “Hey I know you’re not popular with other people, but I like you!” I think I’d rather someone say I’m overrated because that implies that the general public thinks highly of me and you specifically just don’t. It reminds me of a DM I got recently where a girl said she was “unironically attracted to me.” That felt rather insulting. Are you implying that most people are ironically attracted to me? That’s… mean.

Thank you for your time.

-If God himself came down to me and said, “Hey Tommy. I’m giving you the power to make Earth paradise. The planet and nature will be protected. World hunger will end. There will be world peace and prosperity for all. But the key to all of this….is you can only use paper straws for the rest of your life.” ….. Well… Let’s just say there’d still be a lot of hungry people out there.

-I think eating a really great meal might actually give you more sadness than happiness. Because hear me out. While you’re eating it, it’s amazing and you love every bite. But the amount of sadness you get during those last few bites, when you’re just seeing that you’re running out of food and it’s a ticking time bomb, that makes you so miserable. And seeing that empty plate get taken away. It’s horror. So for your overall mood, it might actually be a net negative.

-I think one official sign of being an adult is when you no longer have to call your mom and ask what’s allowed to go in the microwave and how long it should be in there for, and if it’ll blow up your apartment and/or give you cancer, and if that is the case… well then I am still not an adult.

-A sad realization I came to is that I’m currently at a stage in my life where it’s impossible for me to get my back scratched or tickled or drawn on. And it sucks because it feels so goddamn good. I mean as a kid your mom can do it. But I’m obviously too old for that now. If you’re in a relationship, your significant other can do it. If you’re a girl, you can do it with your girl friends. But as a single, 25-year-old guy, I have no options. I can’t just say to my group of guy friends, “Hey you boys wanna do a back scratch sesh together?” And I don’t really want to be in a relationship right now, but I’m considering getting in one just so I can get a week of back scratches, and then break up. Or maybe there can be an app to meet people where you just scratch each other’s backs. Call it “You Scratch My Back, I’ll Scratch Yours.” That’s actually genius.

-It’s sad that as a society, we’ve just completely lost “Sorry my phone was off” as a valid excuse. At one time years ago, it was plausible someone shut their phone off for a bit. Now? We all know it’s on 24/7. Maybe you can try to get away with the “it died” excuse but even that is a little fishy because we all charge it immediately. But today if someone told me that The Lochness Monster and Santa Clause broke into their apartment and had a tea party and started making out and then stole their phone to take pictures and threw it out the window, I’d believe that before I’d believe that they just voluntarily shut their phone off.

-When I’m going through security at an airport or anywhere really, I prefer when it’s more strict. If I’m about to go through a metal detector, I might even leave a couple coins in my pocket just to make sure that it’s working properly. The other day I left an opened water bottle in my backpack and TSA didn’t even flag it and that made me nervous. First it’s half a Poland Spring. And next is what? A bomb? I’m trying to keep these people on their toes and they’re asleep at the wheel!

-I think a funny Halloween costume would be to go as a really outdated viral trend and just pretend like it’s current. Like this year, everyone is going to be the Island Boys or someone from Squid game, but while they all zig, you zag and dress up as Alex from Target, the good looking cashier dude, or the Damn Daniel Vans guy, or Ken Bone, or maybe the “Charlie bit my finger” babies if you really want to throw it back. And then act like they’re the crazy ones when they think it’s a weird costume, “Uh you don’t know Alex from Target? He was so viral he ended up on Ellen. Quit living under a rock.” These people might think you just got out of a coma, but still funny.

-I really don’t like cleaning often, it’s just annoying and quite a chore, but whenever I do decide to do it, I clean like I’m trying to wipe down a murder scene. No half-ass cleaning. Just go all in like the bathtub scene in Breaking Bad scrubbing down every last fingerprint and speck of dirt I see. I’m not wasting all that time and energy just to have to clean again in a week. No. I do one thorough cleaning that could last a full year if I’m lucky.

-Isn’t it just the absolute worst when you think someone is saying “Hi” to you, but they’re actually talking to the person behind you. Or when like, I don’t know, let’s take this totally hypothetical example. Your name is Timmy Stokes and you work as a content creator at an entertainment company and maybe you post a lot of TikToks, and recently your TikTok has been doing really well, and you just crossed 100,000 followers, and also you’re really really hot, but anyway maybe a big famous TikTokker comes into your office one day, let’s say, I don’t know, for argument’s sake we’ll call him Bryce Hall, and he’s walking around and he points right at you and says “I see your TikToks all the time” and you get really excited and think “Oh my God wow. I mean makes sense. I did just cross 100,000 followers and recently met Josh Richards who I’m basically best friends with now so they probably share my TikToks together in their group chat. This is amazing” but then he’s actually talking about the person behind you. God, that would be so awkward. Can’t imagine that. Both the hello thing and that would really suck.

-I wonder how it became common coffee maker etiquette that you take out the previous person’s dirty coffee filter, put your own in, and leave that there for the next person. You’d think everyone would just put their own and throw their own out when they’re done. But this way is just so commonly accepted. Strange!

-Whenever I’m walking in the rain with an umbrella and someone without an umbrella walks past me, I’ll raise mine a little higher so they can get just a brief few seconds of protection. It really doesn’t do much, but I feel like if God’s on the fence with Heaven or Hell for me, this could be a few good points in my favor.

-I hate when a waiter bullies me into being done with my meal. I might just have scraps left that I’m picking at but then he’ll come over and say “you done with that?” and what am I supposed to do, shoo him away and make him come back again just so I can eat another half bite of food? And if I do do that, then I feel a ton of pressure to basically lick the plate clean and leave not a single morsel of food left on that plate so it justifies my decision.

-We’re about to enter the time of year where you have to make a decision about bringing a jacket out to a bar. Because it’s gonna be cold when you walk there, but inside it’s gonna be warm and you’ll want to take it off. But you don’t want to hold it. You also don’t want to put it down because there’s thieves everywhere. It’s unlikely the place has a coat check. Sometimes I get so stressed out about it that I just don’t go out for the entire winter.

-I always think it’s weird when adults obsess over if a little kid has a girlfriend or like when they try to set little kids up who are around the same age. Who cares if this 8 year old kid has a girlfriend at school? They’re not gonna last. They know nothing about what it means to be in a serious relationship. Or sometimes they’ll say “oh this male baby and female baby were born around the same time, maybe they’ll date one day.” Highly unlikely. They might not be compatible, they might not have the same goals and ambitions and want to share their lives together. That’s a major commitment that these moron infants aren’t even close to ready for.

-I don’t know what it means when someone talks about Mercury being in retrograde, but I do that it means I probably won’t like that person.

-Sometimes I actually kind of like when a place messes up my order or something goes wrong, and then I just know I’m going to get something for free in return. Like I went to Chipotle the other night and they were out of black beans, pinto beans, white rice, brisket, and queso. I was planning to have 3 of those things in my meal, but I looked at it as a positive. I was still able to build my burrito bowl with other stuff, and I had the grounds to send Chipotle a customer service email complaining about how unacceptable it was for them to be out of that many ingredients, and I’ll now likely be getting two free burrito cards in return so overall, huge win.

-A funny way to make people uncomfortable would be when you’re on the elevator going down and the door opens and you instinctively think it’s the lobby so you start to step out, but it’s actually just a lower floor and someone else gets on, so you gotta step back in and then it would be funny to just be really really hard on yourself for it. Like look around to the group and just say, “I’m sorry guys. I’m such a fucking idiot. I’m such a worthless piece of shit. This is why she left me. This is why my parents got divorced.” Just really lay it on and watch everyone squirm

-Everyone is a bandwagon fan when it comes to drivers vs. pedestrians. It just depends what side of the situation you’re in at the moment. If I’m a pedestrian, I walk like I have the right away no matter what, crossing streets without a care in the world for a mac truck 3 feet away from me, “Ah these cars can wait a second, I got places to be.” But if I’m driving or in a car, and a pedestrian walks in front of me and holds me up for 10 seconds, I’ll start thinking, “Who does this piece of human filth think they are walking in front of my car? Holding me up? You entitled fucking dirtbag.” But deep down, I know I do the exact same thing.

-I’m jealous of people who are stupid and empty minded enough to medidate. I could never meditate. I’m way too smart. My mind is too active. My brain is too powerful. I can’t just shut it off and clear my head like I’m some kind of moron, but I do envy those idiots who have the power to do that. Seems really great and relaxing. Enjoy it.

-Here is a sitcom-like scene I really want to happen in my future one day. I’m married to my wife of 2 years and the honeymoon phase is wearing off and that spousal resentment begins to bubble up underneath the surface. She has a brother who’s troubled and has been in jail before. Nothing too crazy, maybe a non-violent theft of some sort or something regarding drug possession. The details are unimportant. But I’m not crazy about him and think he’s bad news, and he’s not crazy about me either. Doesn’t think I’m “man enough” to be protecting his sister. He has has an extremely outdated view on relationships. But one Saturday, my friend Bill is over to watch some college football and throw back a few beers. He lives down the block. He’s been married a little bit longer so him and his wife hate each other even more. And he says, “Hey Tom” (I’m going by Tom at that point), “Why don’t you come over to my place tomorrow for the Giants game? I’m having a few buddies from work over.” He’s a blue collar union guy of some sort. My wife is in the kitchen and overhears this (and this isn’t to say she’s always in the kitchen or whatever. We’re a modern couple. She’s not expected to just cook and clean. She has a full time job. We order in a lot. We have a cleaning service. I grill from time to time. But in this instance she does just happen to be in the kitchen), and she says “He can’t tomorrow” like answering for me which makes my resentment bubble up a little bit more. But she’s right because we have plans to go to her brother’s house tomorrow for a BBQ. And I say “Yeah can’t tomorrow. I’m going to the in-laws house. Or should I say… the outlaws house” (referring to his past imprisonment). And Bill really eats it up, he erupts in laughter because he knows about the situation. He’s abreast. My wife gives me a stern “Thomas!” but deep down she knows it’s a brilliant pun, but she has to defend her family. Anyway, the conversation then gets interrupted because my agent calls to offer me a role in a new film because I’m an A-list movie star at this point.

-The person responsible for putting the “tear here” label on little packets very rarely knows the actual place you’re supposed to tear.

-If I had it in me to be a truly bad and mean person, I think it would come out most when I’m at a store buying many, many items and the cashier still asks, “Do you want a bag?” Like I’d love to just say, “No I don’t need one. I was actually planning to grow 8 more arms out of my body so I could hold all this you fucking moron. How about you use your head?” But that would really make me an asshole and I don’t have that in me so I just say “Yes please”

Thank you for your time.

-I’ll never be one of those “say it to my face” people. I’d much prefer for you to talk bad about me behind my back or behind a keyboard. I don’t want to have a fucking awkward confrontation. If you call me a shivering little pussy on Twitter, I can just keep scrolling and go about my day. You do that in a group chat without? I’m blissfully unaware. You do that in person, to my face? Ugh. Then I gotta fucking pretend to be mad and defend myself. Things would maybe escalate to getting physical. No thank you. Let’s avoid all of that. I’ll just stay willfully ignorant and keep thinking everyone likes me.

-If I was a billionaire, I wouldn’t spend my money going to space. Or investing. Or buying art. Or fighting climate change and donating it to the needy or any of that useless shit. No. All I would do is buy up a ton of commercials for myself. I did some research and if I wanted buy up all the commercials in a Sunday Night Football game, it would only cost me $40 million. Which, if I’m Jeff Bezos with 191 billion, is really not that much. Just an hour worth of my own commercials spread across the entire broadcast. You wouldn’t be able to escape me. I’d do my thoughts. I’d do some skits. Maybe a black screen where you think you got rid of me but nope I pop in from the side “Hey gang, it’s Tommy again.” Fake people out where they see a car driving down the highway and think it’s a car commercial. Nope. Tommy’s driving. Shot of a family eating together at McDonald’s. Pan out a little. Tommy’s eating at the table next to them. I’d eventually become the most hated man in America. They want to watch their beloved Cowboys but have to hear me talking about restaurants and Ubers. People would be begging to see Flo from Progress again.

-There’s nothing quite like the thrill of getting a good picture of yourself. Guys specifically, we don’t take a lot of pictures. And most of the time, it’s an alright picture or something looks bad. But every so often you just get that perfect picture and you can ride that thing like a thoroughbred horse at the Derby. You only need one every like 3 years. But boom - Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, dating apps, new profile picture. Maybe you do a weekly video series on Instagram and you throw it in there. Need as many eyeballs as possible on it when everything in the universe comes together for that perfect moment.

-It’s crazy how much dogs love treats. Nobody in the world loves anything as much as dogs love treats. You can make them do anything with a treat. You can have a dog refusing to go in its cage. Just does not want to be in there. But if you just throw a treat in, they can’t help themselves. They know it means they have to do the very thing they don’t want to do and go in that cage, but it doesn’t matter. They still do it. You can see them pause and weigh the pros and cons. The con is “Damn I’m gonna be stuck in this small cage for hours on end.” And the pro is “I get to eat this sweet little cookie for about 15 seconds” and they just always choose the treat. It’s an unbelievable amount of power. I’d say there’s nothing that can make humans behave that way, but then I remembered there is…. it’s called money and capitalistic greed.

-We need to come to an agreement as a society that if you’re snoring in public, all strangers have the right to wake you up. If you’re on a plane or train and you’re snoring loudly, stopping everyone else from sleeping, you’re allowed to, not be killed, but maybe just have water splashed on your face or something. This is about the greater good here.

Thank you for your time.

-If I was ranking the things I remember learning about the most in elementary school and high school, they would be: World War II and the holocaust, slavery and the civil rights movement. And then what to do if there’s a fire. There were so many fire drills. So many presentations from firefighters. I remember thinking “stop, drop, and roll” was going to be a major part of my life. I was prepared for adulthood to mainly just be a constant of cycle consistent of surviving fires. We went over the protocol SO MUCH. I imagine school board meetings are just “alright let’s the curriculum for this year: Math, history, science, what to do in a fire obviously, english, social studies. I said the fire thing already right?”

-I find it pointless for a waiter or waitress to ask “Have you been here before?” at the start of your meal. It really doesn’t really matter whether you say yes or no. Nothing changes based on your answer. And even if I haven’t been to that specific place before, I have certainly been to other restaurants before. And they’re all pretty much the same. I think I have the hang of it by now. I might just start answering “No but as long as you guys do the standard “order food, get it, and pay” thing, I think I’ll be alright.”

-My dream in life is to go to a fashion show one day and a model starts to walk down the runway, but maybe she’s new and inexperienced and she gets really nervous and says “Oh no I can’t do this!” and runs off the stage. And then the whole crowd is quiet, I perk up, and say “More like a runaway model!” And then everyone abrupts in laughter, maybe a Tommy chant breaks out in the crowd? One of the models is like “You’re the funniest man ever, marry me!” and we live a happy life together and start a beautiful family and my firstborn is a son who can carry on the Scibelli family name.

-It’s crazy that the white tank top undershirt has two pretty offensive nicknames. You can’t refer to that item of clothing without feeling like you’re maybe saying something wrong. You can call it a guinea tee (I can say it, I’m Italian). Or if you’re not comfortable with that, your other option is wife beater. So you have to choose: do I be insensitive towards Italians or domestic abuse?

-It’s pretty crazy how there’s just rhyme or reason to the consistency of our seatbelt laws. If you’re in a car, wear it. Unless you’re a passenger in a taxi then forget it. Buses you’re in the clear. Trains? Don’t fucking ridiculous. Obviously don't need them? Planes maybe? You gotta look at a little flashing light and obey whatever that says. Just not a shred of common sense goes into these decisions. Just nothing about the whole thing makes any sense.

-It’s weird to think that thousands of years ago before calendars were invented, people just had no idea how old they were. Ages just weren’t a thing. You’d walk around and if someone asked, “Hey how old are you?” you’d just say “I don’t fucking know. What does that even mean? I’ve been around for awhile it feels like. I could be 28. I could be 11. No cavewomen could do like a birthday week celebration. Nobody had any fucking clue.

-The term “over the counter” drugs has never made sense to me. You’d think over the counter drugs are prescription drugs that you have to get from the cashier behind the counter. But it actually means non-prescription drugs that you can just get in the aisles. No counter needs to be involved at all in that process.. They should really be called “in-the-aisle drugs.”

-Nothing makes me feel better than walking into my local Starbucks to pick up my mobile order and the barista saying “Oh hey Tom, working on that right now.” I like to look around and the other peons waiting in line and give them a smirk to say “You guys see that? Yeah I’m better than you.”

-I think the biggest tease in life is when you’re on hold for a really long time and then the ringer abruptly cuts for a second or there’s a brief pause, and you think “alright someone’s answering” but then the music just like restarts. I kind of feel like they do that on purpose to keep our hopes up.

-If I ever go to a rodeo one day, it actually would in fact be my first rodeo.

-It has to suck when a really popular band breaks up and the main couple of singers and guitar players, even the drummer, probably go their separate ways and have solo careers. And then you’re stuck being like the fucking keyboard player. He has to be pitching so hard for them to stay together, “Guys I really don’t think we’re ready for our solo careers yet. Please. Can we just do a few more albums?” Guy’s gotta feed his family somehow.