-I hate when people complain about other people complaining about first world problems. I’ve been noticing some comments on my videos where I complain about a wide variety of things that say “oh this is such a first world problem.” Uhhh… yeah. I live in the first world. These are my problems. And I can complain about them. Now if I lived in a third world country, sure maybe it would be “Tommy’s Thursday Thoughts Vol. 121 - God I wish I had running water” but I live in New York City and currently my main problems are a broken elevator and how to properly split appetizers. And also may I add that all of you commenting that, are probably using an iPhone sitting on a couch in an air conditioned room, so let’s not act like you’re some fucking child soldier in Uganda.

-A lot of people like to use astrological signs to determine their compatibility with another person for a relationship, and I think that’s a really good idea. Personally, my compatibility test is if someone asks me what my sign is, then we are not compatible.

-I always feel bad when an iPhone app asks me if I love it, and I say no. Don’t get me wrong, it can be an extremely useful app that I use a lot, but do I love my Concur Mobile Expense Report Management app…. love is a strong word that I don’t just throw around lightly, so no I can’t say that I do. We can be friends though.

-I’m not sure if Elon or Jeffy B are watching this but if you are, I just want it on the record that I’m not interested in going to space. First of all, I don’t trust rockets. Rocket science is literally known as the hardest thing in the world. Also, it seems boring. The WiFi probably isn’t great. That bathroom situation must be a nightmare. The views are meh. If my choices were going to space or like half-off apps at Applebees, well I’d be enjoying some boneless buffalo chicken wings.

-I hope this isn’t too political but I just want to say that obviously there’s some people out there who don’t trust the vaccine and think it could be part of a government plan for population control, and I just want to say that if that is the case, if some shadow government organized this entire pandemic from start to finish, from the initial spread, to the lockdowns, to the vaccines all in aIl in effort to like take over the world…. Fucking tip of the cap. LIke job well done. What a masterfully executed plan. I’d be more impressed than I’d be mad, to be honest. Credit where credit is due. We never stood a chance, it’d be like one of those nights where Steph Curry is knocking down shots from half court, and there’s just nothing you can do to stop it. You just gotta sit back and watch greatness work. I hope this isn’t the case and I don’t think it is, but if it is, round of applause.

Thank you for your time.

-A funny way to make any stranger feel uncomfortable is to go up to them, ask them what their blood type is, and then after they answer, you just mutter “Ah that’s probably not gonna work” and walk away.

-The other day I was at a stand-up show and ordered a beer that was taking a very long time. At this point, I started complaining quite a bit to my friend about how long it was taking. So when the waitress came by again, my friend hailed her down but then pointed to me, to like alley-oop my complaint. And that was total bullshit. I was caught off guard and said, “Oh yeah can I just get that beer?” and she responded with disgust, “Yeah I put it in already.” So then I ended up looking like the rude asshole. But I wasn’t at “complain to waitress” level yet. I was still just at “complain to table” level. So this is just a PSA, don’t go complaining to waiters on behalf of someone else and make them look bad. Fuck you Owen.

-I think that of all the superheroes, Daredevil has to be the least effective and it’s not even because he’s blind. But it’s because he only operates in Hell’s Kitchen. Like even Batman protects a whole city. Superman the whole world. The Avengers the whole universe. But Daredevil is just one blind dude covering like a 9 block radius on the west side of Manhattan. Even if you're in trouble in the East Village, that's out of his jurisdiction.

-Here’s a life hack for you. Whenever I’m ordering food with friends at a fast food place, a deli, or really any non-sit down place like that, I always order last. It looks friendly and I’ll say “Oh you guys go first, it’s fine.” But in reality, I just want to get my food last so that it’s the hottest, while everyone else’s food gets cold as they wait for me. Look selfless. Be selfish. That’s the key to life.

-Every time I do laundry, some of my shirts get really wrinkled. And I just wish that didn’t happen.

-I think whenever a girl posts a story of a fake Instagram page pretending to be them, it’s just sort of a humble brag. They’ll say like “Oh no please report this! Not me!” but deep down they’re probably kind of honored that someone thinks they’re hot enough to use as a catfish. And to be fair, I’d feel the same exact way.

Thank you for your time.

-I wish there was a way to see what an Uber driver rated me before I rate him, because that’s really all I care about. If a guy drove into oncoming traffic but gave me 5 stars, I’m giving him 5 stars right back. Conversely, if he was the best driver and nicest man of all time but gave me a 3, I’ll give him a one star review and hope his license gets suspended.

-There needs to be a universal set pace when it comes to splitting food with someone. Not wings or something where there’s a fixed amount, but more for like nachos or chips and dip where you can’t really split them exactly evenly. It’s kind of just a feel thing where both parties need to be reaching in pretty synced up. I go, you go, I go, you go, etc. You can’t be eating too fast and forcing the other person to keep up. But you also can’t be too slow of an eater and make the other person feel bad for continuing to reach in just because you’re slow. So let’s just all agree to stick to an average pace when it comes to our appetizers.

-Sometimes when I’m eating croissants, they get stuck to the roof of my mouth.

-There’s a lot of milestones that can officially mean you’re an adult. You turned 21. You have two day hangovers. You bought a house. You like unsweetened iced tea. But for me, I officially became an adult on Sunday when I bought myself a steamer to de-wrinkle my clothes.

-It’s weird to think how in the Southern Hemisphere, they think of the north as the warm area and the south as cold.

-I live in an apartment building with 30 floors and 2 elevators. The other day we got a casual saying they’re doing renovations to update the elevators. Great. Make them safer. Make them nicer. Sure. But then they just casually dropped that the timetable is 23 weeks to work on one and then another 23 weeks for the other. So that’s 46 weeks, a full year almost, where we’ll only have one functioning elevator for THIRTY FLOORS OF PEOPLE. There are already lines with two! This isn’t a minor inconvenience. This is a life changing tragedy. And for people saying “Oh stop complaining, take the stairs you lazy asshole!” What part of thirty fucking floors do you not understand? I’m not in the penthouse, but I’m about halfway up. You want people to climb 24 flights of stairs every day? This is an apartment building not an Olympic training facility. We have sent a strongly worded email because I feel like we need a month’s free rent for this or something. If not, this residence company is my new arch enemy. Now that being said, if my building wants to give me free rent for a year or something, I’ll become a propaganda machine on their behalf and promote this lovely complex like I’m working for Kim Jong Un In North Korea.

Thank you for your time.

-I think the key to success in life is having a middle school teacher tell you that you’re going to be a failure. Seems like every pro athlete and celebrity has a story of some teacher telling them to give up their dream and that they’d never achieve it. I was just a good student and my teachers said “Smart kid. Needs to participate more.” If they were a little more critical, I think I could be a movie star by now.

-Kids shouldn’t be celebrated or have parties for graduating elementary school. It’s literally illegal to not go to school at that age. It’d be like throwing yourself a party for not murdering anyone.

-The only reason to ever carry coins in your wallet is so that you can use them at your next transaction to avoid getting more coins back. It’s a never ending cycle.

-My wildest fantasy in life is to one day have someone ask me to “draw the curtain” for them. But then instead of opening the curtain, I whip out a nearby pen and pad and just draw a picture of the curtain. If this happens, I can die happy.

-I don’t like how Seamless adds a restaurant to my “Go To” list after just one order. I think you have to order from a place at least three times for it to become one of your true “go tos.”

-In my 150 page master Google Doc with all my ideas for thoughts, I have written down “I feel cool drinking coffee out of a mug” THREE separate times. I don’t totally know how to turn that into a full thought but it’s clearly something I feel very strongly about.

-Here’s a fun game I play with my roommate to make elevator rides with strangers more awkward. I’ll say something like, “Nick said he’s bringing over bagels tomorrow.” And then my roommate precedes to not know what a bagel is. He’ll say “Wait what?” And then I say “Bagels for breakfast.” “I don’t know what that is” “It’s like a round thing of dough. Cream cheese. Butter. eggs.” He still looks perplexed, the elevator ride usually ends, and the stranger is confused for the rest of their lives. Try it sometime and let me know how it goes.

Thank you for your time