-A funny way to make any stranger feel uncomfortable is to go up to them, ask them what their blood type is, and then after they answer, you just mutter “Ah that’s probably not gonna work” and walk away.

-The other day I was at a stand-up show and ordered a beer that was taking a very long time. At this point, I started complaining quite a bit to my friend about how long it was taking. So when the waitress came by again, my friend hailed her down but then pointed to me, to like alley-oop my complaint. And that was total bullshit. I was caught off guard and said, “Oh yeah can I just get that beer?” and she responded with disgust, “Yeah I put it in already.” So then I ended up looking like the rude asshole. But I wasn’t at “complain to waitress” level yet. I was still just at “complain to table” level. So this is just a PSA, don’t go complaining to waiters on behalf of someone else and make them look bad. Fuck you Owen.

-I think that of all the superheroes, Daredevil has to be the least effective and it’s not even because he’s blind. But it’s because he only operates in Hell’s Kitchen. Like even Batman protects a whole city. Superman the whole world. The Avengers the whole universe. But Daredevil is just one blind dude covering like a 9 block radius on the west side of Manhattan. Even if you're in trouble in the East Village, that's out of his jurisdiction.

-Here’s a life hack for you. Whenever I’m ordering food with friends at a fast food place, a deli, or really any non-sit down place like that, I always order last. It looks friendly and I’ll say “Oh you guys go first, it’s fine.” But in reality, I just want to get my food last so that it’s the hottest, while everyone else’s food gets cold as they wait for me. Look selfless. Be selfish. That’s the key to life.

-Every time I do laundry, some of my shirts get really wrinkled. And I just wish that didn’t happen.

-I think whenever a girl posts a story of a fake Instagram page pretending to be them, it’s just sort of a humble brag. They’ll say like “Oh no please report this! Not me!” but deep down they’re probably kind of honored that someone thinks they’re hot enough to use as a catfish. And to be fair, I’d feel the same exact way.

Thank you for your time.