A day or so after the siege, a senior officer tells the Tactical Operations Unit (TOU) operatives that Katrina Dawson died from a Police round.

Ben’s world collapses. The information is revised to “fragments” but it doesn’t make much difference. More detail emerged from a massive coronial inquiry: 22 rounds were fired, and 17 came from Ben’s M4. Only one other officer discharged his rifle. Those fragments could’ve come from multiple projectiles – there was no way of knowing.

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Two things Ben would never have thought he was capable of: walking into a mental health care unit for three weeks and writing about his deepest emotions. But he did both.

In Tiger! Tiger! Tiger! Ben’s descriptions of his panic attacks, treatment and how it made him much worse before he became better is compulsory reading for anyone interested in the effects of PTSD. As his former partner Lisa says, here was a man who could face anything and for whom nothing was impossible being reminded that he had to have a shower. There were times she says when he didn’t believe he should be here. Much of this came from the guilt around the death of Katrina Dawson, for which he has never forgiven himself.

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Ben had dreams of being in the military and being commando, so when he joined the NSW Police, he wasn’t going to be happy staying in General Duties. But the first requirement of the TOU is time as a General Duties Constable, and Ben did much of his work in Sydney’s Bankstown.

TOU selection is considered almost impossible: 200 show interest, down to 44 who qualify to do the week-long “hell camp”, and then 14 make it through, of which 10 are selected. Ben’s description of the hell camp surely won’t raise anyone’s expectations of surviving it.

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They make TV shows about couples like Ben and Lisa, the tall blonde Irish emergency nurse he met in an inner-city pub. They understood each other – which is to say work was often not exactly dinnertime conversation – and quickly began to make a life together.

They have one child and another on the way when Lisa is out walking and gets a call from a friend. The Tactical Operations Unit (TOU) is at Martin Place, and there appears to be a siege. She goes home, and her daughter recognises Ben on TV. How? She broke his sunnies the night before and could see his distinctive eyes.

Lisa hears about the bomb, and realises Ben will likely die if they go in. She sends Ben pictures of their daughter.

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Scrambled on a Monday morning to go to Martin Place, Ben, and his Tactical Operations Officer (TOU) colleagues realise this is terrorism in the CBD of Australia's largest city. It goes on and on, and as hours pass, they learn more about the terrorist and the hostages.

When day turns to night, and shocked hostages continue to escape, Ben worries that frustration and fatigue may have an influence on terrorist Man Monis’s actions.

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The Lindt siege was the bravest day in Ben Besant’s life and the worst. He faced and killed a shotgun-wielding terrorist, but then learnt his actions contributed to the accidental death of a hostage. He believes another hostage died because he and his colleagues didn’t get there in time. As a Tactical Operations Officer (TOU), Ben and his mates were more prepared for their own deaths than those of hostages. He’d texted his goodbyes to his wife.

Ben’s training for that moment and family pedigree of service is typical of so many young Australians prepared to risk their lives responding to life-threatening situations. His life since is also a cautionary example of the personal cost, as the damage of all the trauma he’d faced landed squarely on his family.

This is Ben’s story.

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