Do-ga-do   you-ga-do   ma-ga-da-stur-ga-dur-ba-ga-date? Is that like pig latin for do you masturbate? For some reason I have a very clear memory of boys in middle school repeating this phrase to which the girls all responded NO!!!!!!! We were horrified at the accusation. And then we all went home and humped our pillows.

How can it be a new year when it's still the dead of winter? I don't know about you, but I'm still hibernating. I'm patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) waiting for the path to become clear. And that's okay.

I've been asking myself...am I worthy of love when my skin is doing crazy things? Can I let myself be seen when my appearance is completely out of my control? Can I show up fully even when my presentation to the world isn't what I want it to be? In theory, yes. But the practice has proven to be a lot more complicated. 

On this Portland evening I learned two things: sensual body rolls and random sex with a stranger was not going to heal the pain of being rejected. And no one, and I mean NO ONE, can botch a one night stand in the most dramatic of fashions, the way that I can :)

*ALSO- for all of you consistent listeners out there, from now on I'll be releasing a new episode EVERY FRIDAY!

"God is Change."- Octavia Butler 

I don't know anyone whose parents really nailed the birds and the bees conversation. And we all know that public schools failed us. But this concept of purity certainly did a number on me. I think I might need a couple of episodes to unravel this :)

The parts of me that he activated never BELONGED to him. I didn't NEED him. I just didn't know it yet.

Looking back on all of this ten years later, it’s really not the possibility of crossing the line that bothers me the most. It’s the fact that his love was conditional.

Sometimes a mega meltdown is the best gift you could possibly ask for. 

Consider this an invitation. An invitation to my inner journey. To witness my process and progress in real time. We've all died a million little deaths in our lives. And if we're lucky, we'll die a million more before we're through!