Living More Fully

How do we cope with pandemic fatigue, seasonal affective disorder, the holidays blues, on top of post-election stress?

Listen to this episode where James Guay, LMFT speaks to AJ Gibson & Mikalah Gordon on We Are Channel Q Radio about mental health concerns during these unprecedented times.

How do we cope with election stress in 2020? A Harris Poll taken in August, 2020 showed that 2/3rds of US Americans are experiencing distress related to the election, regardless of political affiliation.

Listen to this episode where James Guay, LMFT speaks to AJ Gibson & Mikalah Gordon on We Are Channel Q Radio about ways to cope with this upcoming election.

James Guay, LMFT speaks with AJ Gibson & Mikalah Gordon on Channel Q's The Morning Beat Radio Show about his COVID-19 Mental Health Survivor Guide.

COVID-19 has transformed our world. Not only has it led to spiked infections, it's also instilled mass hysteria, global grief, worldwide trauma and a huge stop to our everyday normal routines.

1. Increase Self-Awareness: The first step to managing our COVID 19 stress better is getting ourselves off auto-pilot by increasing our self-awareness. We're experiencing collective trauma and grief on a worldwide level. Mindful curiosity, without judgment, is the first step to treat what's bothering us mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
2. Attend to Thoughts, Feelings & Body Sensations: Attending to our internal landscape, we need to acknowledge what's there, allowing for whatever exists without trying to force it to be different. When we reject what we find or judge it, it often gets more intense and lasts longer than it otherwise would. Next, by naming what we find we get closer to identifying it and attending to it in ways that are needed.
3. Take Mindful Action: There are lots of great lists out there about what kinds of activities we can do while staying at home. To read my full blog article on this, my list & linked resources, CLICK HERE.
4. Create Down Time: We are at an opportune time for a global reset on how we manage our time. For far too long, we have promoted production and DOING at the expense of balance and BEING. Both doing and being are essential in living a full life but when they're out of balance we're more likely to experience illness, burnout, boredom and overall dissatisfaction in life.
5. Spread Compassion: Mindfulness WITH compassion is the antidote for what ails us. When we increase our awareness in the present moment with curiosity, instead of judgment, and bring compassion to whatever we discover, we can navigate our response to real-life threats, like pandemics. We honor our organic response, get to know it, be with it and create space inside for how we can care for it with gentleness, grace and even fierceness.

To read my full blog article, list & linked resources, CLICK HERE.

Compassion can change the way we relate to difficult thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Mindfulness helps us notice what is happening; compassion invites us to meet what we notice with greater kindness, curiosity, and care.

In this guided meditation, I'll invite you to begin by turning compassionate attention toward yourself, while also making room for whatever thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, or experiences naturally arise.

The intention isn't to force yourself to feel differently or make discomfort disappear. Instead, this practice offers an opportunity to notice your experience without judgment and experiment with responding to yourself with greater understanding and kindness.

Like any practice, compassion can become more accessible with repetition. Each time we practice meeting ourselves with care, we have another opportunity to strengthen the way we respond to ourselves during the inevitable challenges of everyday life.

You can return to this meditation whenever you'd like a few minutes to slow down, reconnect with yourself, and practice responding to your experience with greater compassion.

Part of The Mindfulness Series from Living More Fully.

🌿 Explore more mental health resources: https://www.livingmorefully.com/mental-health-resources.html

Learn more about therapy: https://www.livingmorefully.com/

Schedule an appointment: https://www.livingmorefully.com/appointment.html

Practicing mindfulness through meditation can become a training ground for bringing greater awareness into everyday life. By intentionally slowing down and noticing what's happening in the present moment, we can practice relating differently to our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and surroundings.

In this guided meditation, I'll invite you to bring attention to your body, your breath, and the environment around you, including what you're noticing through your five senses.

The goal isn't to empty your mind or achieve a perfectly calm state. Minds wander. Thoughts arise. Sensations change. Mindfulness is the practice of noticing what's happening and gently returning our attention to the present without judging ourselves for having wandered away.

With consistent practice, this kind of awareness can become increasingly available outside of meditation too, helping us notice our experience more clearly and giving us a little more space to choose how we want to respond to life's natural ups and downs.

You can return to this meditation whenever you'd like to slow down, reconnect with your body and surroundings, and practice coming back to the present moment.

Part of The Mindfulness Series from Living More Fully.

🌿 Explore more mental health resources: https://www.livingmorefully.com/mental-health-resources.html

Learn more about therapy: https://www.livingmorefully.com/

Schedule an appointment: https://www.livingmorefully.com/appointment.html

Habits can be surprisingly difficult to change, even when we understand intellectually that a pattern isn't working for us.

We might repeatedly find ourselves in one-sided relationships, reaching for something to soothe an uncomfortable feeling, abandoning intentions we've made for ourselves, or moving between rigid control and feeling completely out of control.

Mindfulness offers another way of approaching these patterns. Rather than beginning with judgment or immediately trying to force ourselves to change, we can become curious about what happens before, during, and after a habitual response.

In this episode, I explore a three-step mindfulness process for understanding habits more deeply and creating greater room for choice.

Part of The Mindfulness Series from Living More Fully.

EPISODE NOTES

WHY HABITS CAN BE SO DIFFICULT TO CHANGE

When we call something a "bad habit," it's easy to focus exclusively on the behavior we want to stop.

But behaviors don't happen in isolation.

They can develop in response to our environment, relationships, beliefs, emotions, physical sensations, and earlier experiences. A behavior that creates problems for us now might even have developed because, at another point in our lives, it helped us cope, protect ourselves, find comfort, or maintain connection.

Mindfulness invites us to become interested in the entire pattern rather than simply criticizing its most visible part.

In the episode, I use dieting and body image as one example of how this process can work. The same basic approach can also help us become curious about many other recurring patterns.

1. BECOME MINDFUL OF EXTERNAL MESSAGES

Although mindfulness emphasizes awareness of the present moment, understanding our current experience can sometimes involve recognizing what has influenced us.

Ask yourself:

• What messages have I received about this behavior or about myself? • What did I learn from my family, peers, relationships, culture, or media? • Were there experiences that taught me I needed to behave, look, perform, or relate in a particular way to receive acceptance or belonging? • What messages am I still receiving today? • What environments tend to intensify this pattern? • Are there particular people, situations, media, or social platforms that affect how I feel about myself?

The purpose isn't to blame our past or our environment for everything we do. It's to understand the context in which our patterns developed.

Greater awareness can give us more choice about whether we want to continue responding in the same way.

1. BECOME MINDFUL OF YOUR INTERNAL EXPERIENCE

Next, bring curiosity to what happens inside you.

Rather than immediately acting on an urge or trying to make it disappear, notice what's present.

THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS

What are you telling yourself?

Perhaps there's a belief that you need to be perfect, desirable, productive, agreeable, successful, or in control in order to be worthy or accepted.

Instead of immediately deciding whether the thought is true or false, begin by noticing that it's there.

PHYSICAL SENSATIONS

What happens in your body?

You might notice tension, restlessness, shallow breathing, heaviness, numbness, constriction, warmth, or an impulse to move toward or away from something.

Our bodies can give us useful information about what we're experiencing before we've fully put it into words.

FEELINGS

What emotions accompany the pattern?

Fear? Loneliness? Anger? Shame? Sadness? Excitement? Boredom? Anxiety?

Again, the first task isn't necessarily to change the feeling. It's to recognize what's actually happening.

BEHAVIORS

Finally, become curious about the behavior itself.

• When does it tend to happen? • What usually happens immediately beforehand? • What do I experience while I'm doing it? • What does the behavior give me in the short term? • What does it cost me afterward? • Are there predictable situations in which I'm more likely to fall into the pattern?

This kind of awareness can help take us off autopilot.

1. RESPOND WITH COMPASSION AND CARE

Awareness without compassion can easily become another opportunity to criticize ourselves.

Whatever you discover about your patterns, see what happens when you approach that information with curiosity and kindness.

Compassion doesn't mean giving up responsibility for our choices. In many ways, it can make responsibility easier because we're no longer spending so much energy attacking ourselves for having the pattern in the first place.

We can begin asking different questions:

What am I actually needing right now?

What is this behavior trying to accomplish for me?

Is there another way I could respond to that need?

What would caring for myself look like in this moment?

BREAKING THE CYCLE

Changing an established pattern usually isn't about getting everything right from this point forward.

We notice.

We get curious.

Sometimes we make a different choice.

Sometimes we repeat the old behavior and have another opportunity to understand it.

Over time, mindfulness can help create a little more space between what we experience and how we respond. And within that space, we might discover choices that weren't as visible when we were operating automatically.

THE THREE-STEP PROCESS

1. Become mindful of the external messages and influences surrounding the pattern.
2. Become mindful of your internal experience, including thoughts, beliefs, emotions, physical sensations, and behaviors.
3. Respond to what you discover with greater compassion and care.

The goal isn't to wage war against ourselves until our unwanted habits disappear. It's to understand ourselves well enough that we have more freedom in how we respond.

🌿 Explore more mental health resources: https://www.livingmorefully.com/mental-health-resources.html

Learn more about therapy: https://www.livingmorefully.com/

Schedule an appointment: https://www.livingmorefully.com/appointment.html

Stress doesn't only happen in our thoughts. We experience it throughout our bodies, emotions, beliefs, and behavior, sometimes before we're even consciously aware of how overwhelmed we've become.

Mindfulness can help us slow that process down.

I describe mindfulness as awareness of our present-moment experience approached with curiosity rather than judgment. Instead of immediately trying to fix, avoid, or criticize what we're experiencing, we begin by noticing what's actually happening.

In this first episode of The Mindfulness Series, I explore how mindfulness can be applied to everyday stress through a practical four-step process.

Part of The Mindfulness Series from Living More Fully.

EPISODE NOTES

WHAT IS MINDFULNESS?

Mindfulness is the practice of becoming more aware of what's happening in the present moment with curiosity rather than judgment.

That can include our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, impulses, behaviors, and what's happening around us.

We spend a surprising amount of our lives on autopilot. We react to an email, worry about something that hasn't happened yet, replay an uncomfortable conversation, tense our bodies, or rush from one obligation to another without necessarily recognizing everything that's happening inside us.

Mindfulness gives us an opportunity to notice.

And once we can see our experience more clearly, we might have greater freedom in deciding how we want to respond to it.

USING MINDFULNESS WITH STRESS

Imagine you're at work with an important deadline approaching.

You're behind where you hoped you'd be and can feel your stress increasing.

Perhaps you respond by frantically working faster, becoming scattered and making mistakes. Or maybe the anxiety has the opposite effect and you procrastinate, become overwhelmed, or have difficulty getting started.

Instead of automatically following either reaction, mindfulness invites us to become curious about what's happening.

Even a few minutes of intentionally paying attention can help us understand our experience differently.

1. NOTICE HOW YOU'RE HOLDING STRESS PHYSICALLY

Begin with your body.

Without immediately trying to change anything, notice what's happening physically.

• Are your shoulders or neck tense? • Is your breathing shallow or restricted? • Does your stomach feel unsettled? • Are you clenching your jaw? • Do you feel restless, heavy, numb, energized, or exhausted? • Where do you notice stress most clearly?

There isn't a correct answer.

The first step is simply becoming more aware of how your body communicates stress.

1. RESPOND TO WHAT YOUR BODY NEEDS

Once you've noticed what's happening physically, consider whether your body is asking for something.

Perhaps you naturally want to take a deeper breath, relax your shoulders, change your posture, stretch, stand up, drink some water, eat something, or briefly step away from what you're doing.

Mindfulness isn't about forcing the body into relaxation. It's about listening more carefully and responding with greater awareness and care.

Sometimes even recognizing that we're stressed changes our relationship to the experience.

1. NOTICE THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS UNDERNEATH THE STRESS

Next, become curious about what's happening emotionally and psychologically.

What are you feeling?

Fear? Pressure? Frustration? Shame? Anger? Uncertainty?

And what thoughts accompany those feelings?

Returning to the deadline example, perhaps the immediate thought is:

"I have to get this right."

But underneath that might be something more significant:

"If I make a mistake, people will think I'm incompetent."

Or:

"If I disappoint someone, I've failed."

Mindfulness can help us notice that our reaction to a present-day situation sometimes carries meaning shaped by earlier experiences.

The stress might not only be about today's deadline. It might also touch something we've learned about achievement, approval, failure, belonging, or our own worth.

1. BECOME CURIOUS ABOUT THE BELIEFS DRIVING THE STRESS

Perfectionism is one example.

At some point, striving to get everything right might have helped us earn praise, avoid criticism, feel safer, or experience a greater sense of control.

Rather than attacking ourselves for being perfectionistic, we can become curious about why that strategy developed.

How has it helped me?

How does it help me now?

And where does it create unnecessary suffering or make my life more difficult?

We don't have to decide that a protective pattern is entirely good or bad.

We can appreciate what it has been trying to accomplish while also considering whether we need to rely on it quite so much anymore.

FROM PERFECTION TO "GOOD ENOUGH"

Once we understand some of what's fueling our stress, we can experiment with another response.

Perhaps this task doesn't need to be perfect.

Maybe excellence is enough.

Maybe good enough really is good enough.

Maybe making a mistake doesn't determine our worth.

And perhaps the stress we're experiencing can become information rather than evidence that something is wrong with us.

Mindfulness can create a little more room between the experience we're having and what we do next.

THE FOUR-STEP PROCESS

1. Notice how you're experiencing stress physically.
2. Respond with care to what your body might need.
3. Become curious about the thoughts and feelings connected to the stress.
4. Notice and care for underlying beliefs or protective patterns, such as perfectionism.

The purpose isn't to eliminate every uncomfortable feeling or become perfectly calm.

Stress is part of being human.

Mindfulness can help us become more aware of how we're experiencing it, understand what might be contributing to it, and respond with greater intention rather than simply operating on autopilot.

🌿 Explore more mental health resources: https://www.livingmorefully.com/mental-health-resources.html

Learn more about therapy: https://www.livingmorefully.com/

Schedule an appointment: https://www.livingmorefully.com/appointment.html

The relationship we have with ourselves shapes nearly every part of our lives. Yet many of us learn early on to become our own harshest critics, especially after experiences of rejection, bullying, judgment, or feeling as though who we are isn't acceptable.

In this episode, I explore how self-criticism and self-rejection can develop, the ways we learn to adapt in order to preserve acceptance and belonging, and what it might mean to begin building a more compassionate and trustworthy relationship with ourselves.

We explore self-compassion, reconnecting with our thoughts, feelings, needs, and physical sensations, building self-trust through consistent care, making room for pleasure and joy, and learning how to show up for ourselves during life's more difficult moments.

Part of The Friendship Series from Living More Fully.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship in our lives. It is one that is with us from birth until death, from 24/7, 365 days a year. Literally no one else on the planet can be there in the same way that we can be there for ourselves.

This topic is near and dear to my heart, especially because as a teenager, I was my own worst critic to the point of having a tremendous amount of self-hatred and rejection. Now, I didn't start out this way; none of us do, but our environment certainly has an impact on this, right? So, whether we're bullied by our peers, whether we're rejected by our families or society at large, it really has an impact, especially when our brains haven't developed enough to really understand what's going on.

Many of us grow up in environments where we don't get just the basic support for our natural way of being, our personalities, our way interacting with the world, and instead, sometimes we get messages that we're expected to be perfect, never make mistakes, and even some demeaning attitudes and ridicule of just our basic core essential self. So much of the time, we just aren't valued for our natural gifts and abilities and characteristics, so we learn kind of ingeniously how to adapt, how to only show certain parts of ourselves that get better results, that we're either loved or accepted or maybe we just don't have to defend ourselves quite in the same way against harmful messages from the outside.

It's a brilliant defense. It's effective in a lot of different ways, and so it's important not to dis our defenses, to appreciate where they came from and how they helped us to survive, but if we use these approaches into adulthood, into our relationships, into our careers, it can really inhibit our full potential.

How do we befriend ourselves? How do we become our own best friends, especially if we already have a pretty conflictual or toxic relationship with who we are? If we want to better our relationships, our friendships, if we want to embrace our life more fully, if we want to change society in the world to be much more empathic and caring and compassionate, it's a great place to start with our own relationship with ourselves.

What does it mean to become your own best friend? What does this look like? It's not just in moments when we're struggling that it's important to befriend ourselves and care and attend to whatever pain is there in the moment. It also means enjoying life, right? Allowing ourselves to play, to experience pleasure and joy. It's showing up for ourselves, not just when we're down and out, but also when we're enjoying and celebrating life. So, it's multifaceted.

Developing a friendship with ourselves, a better friendship, really requires us to go back to the basics. Again, if we're meeting someone for the first time, we're going to be asking questions and approaching things hopefully from a place of curiosity, non-judgment. Sort of like what's their history? What makes them tick? What are their core values, thoughts, feelings, needs? What makes them who they are? We can apply that same principle to ourselves, especially if we've neglected or just stepped over or we have a toxic relationship with ourselves.

In order to do this, especially if we've neglected ourselves or we're just on autopilot where we take things for granted, it's important to reconnect to our five senses because that can deliver messages. That can be a way for us to get to know ourselves. If our heart starts racing, maybe it's about some level of excitement or fear, and we can follow that path and be curious about what in our present moment environment is bringing up certain thoughts and feelings and physical sensations. If we're recognizing that we're hearing or seeing something in a particular way that's pleasurable or upsetting, it's one of the ways that we register and get to know ourselves.

This is also about showing up or when we're having a bad day, we're struggling with something instead of kicking ourselves when we're down. Sometimes it can be useful to imagine our younger self that needs some love, validation, attention, support. It doesn't have to be immediately. Sometimes it needs to be, but we can also build a relationship with ourselves where we recognize, "Oh, I'm at work, or I need to attend to something, and I will spend some time with you later addressing the hurt feelings or whatever else is going on."

This is about building trust in ourselves, too, if it's something that's diminished over time, and that can be, again, about consistent action, not being too rigid, having some level of flexibility, but also making sure that we're taking steps to do the things that we want to do in life, to treat ourselves well, whether that's having good nutrition and adequate, consistent sleep and exercise and just showing up for ourselves, not from a punitive, judgy sort of place, but from an expansive, caring, I deserve this sort of place.

When we're struggling, when we're experiencing some pain, oftentimes what we need the most is to just sit and be with ourselves, right? Sometimes we don't need the advice giving. Sometimes we just need the recognition of the feeling itself, the feeling state, and caring for it in whatever ways are appropriate in the given moment.

Like a friend who is coming to us and sharing some experience that they've had a where they're struggling or they feel challenged or they feel hurt or upset. Oftentimes just saying, "Hey, I care. I get it. I've been through that. I'm here. I recognize. It matters to me how you're feeling." That in and of itself can just be perfect medicine in so many different ways, and we also need to be able to do that for ourselves in moments when nobody's around, when we need to be there for ourselves some of the time and not just have other people do that for us. To develop that level of relationship with ourselves can be tremendously rewarding and just help us deal with the natural ups and downs of life.

Lastly, I just want to acknowledge in this discussion this concept of unconditional positive regard, that we are of value, of worth, regardless of what we say or do or don't say or don't do, that there's nothing to be proven, that we can't achieve it. It exists inherently as part of our humanity. When we begin to operate from this space, from this belief, so much is possible in our life.

🌿 Explore more mental health resources: https://www.livingmorefully.com/mental-health-resources.html

Learn more about therapy: https://www.livingmorefully.com/

Friendships can be some of the most meaningful relationships in our lives. They can offer companionship, belonging, emotional support, laughter, perspective, and a sense that we don't have to navigate life alone.

But not every friendship remains healthy or right for us. Sometimes a friendship becomes consistently one-sided, hurtful, exhausting, or unsafe. Other times, nothing dramatic has happened, but we begin recognizing that the relationship no longer fits our lives in the way it once did.

In this episode, I explore some of the signs that it might be time to reconsider a friendship, questions to ask yourself before ending one, and different ways friendships can come to an end.

Part of The Friendship Series from Living More Fully.

EPISODE NOTES

WHEN A FRIENDSHIP MIGHT NEED TO END

Some friendship problems are relatively clear. You might find yourself in a relationship where your friend:

• Is consistently self-absorbed or unwilling to compromise • Shows little curiosity about your life or experience • Is highly sensitive to perceived slights while showing little awareness of how their own behavior affects others • Repeatedly betrays your trust or shares things you've told them confidentially • Consistently breaks plans or commitments • Rarely shows up for you during important moments • Blames you for problems without taking responsibility for their own behavior • Regularly puts you down or undermines you • Repeatedly leaves you questioning your own perception of what happened

When a friendship has become consistently destructive despite efforts to address the problems, ending it might be an act of self-preservation. Caring about another person doesn't require remaining in a relationship that is repeatedly damaging to your emotional, psychological, or physical well-being.

LESS OBVIOUS REASONS TO RECONSIDER A FRIENDSHIP

Sometimes there isn't a dramatic betrayal or obvious rupture. A friendship might simply need to become less central in your life.

You might notice:

• The friendship feels one-sided much of the time • You consistently put considerably more energy into it than you receive • Interactions leave you depleted more often than supported or connected • The relationship has become persistently negative despite efforts to change the dynamic • You want to devote more of your limited time and energy to relationships that feel more reciprocal and meaningful

Not every friendship needs to last forever, and ending a friendship doesn't necessarily mean that it failed. People change. Circumstances change. What we need from relationships can change too.

At the same time, relationships aren't meant to be effortless or perfect. Friendships sometimes require difficult conversations, repair, compromise, patience, and a willingness to look at our own contribution to the dynamic.

BEFORE ENDING A FRIENDSHIP

If you're considering ending an important friendship, it can help to ask yourself:

• Have I communicated my needs clearly and consistently enough? • Have I given the other person a reasonable opportunity to respond? • Have I looked honestly at my own contribution to the problems between us? • Have I made reasonable efforts to improve the friendship? • Am I reacting primarily to a difficult moment, or is this a longstanding pattern? • What might I realistically gain and lose if this person is no longer part of my life? • What other sources of connection and support do I have? • Do I feel physically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically, and financially safe?

Safety changes the equation. If you're dealing with threats, abuse, stalking, coercion, or another situation in which ending contact could put you at risk, protecting yourself takes priority over having an ideal friendship-ending conversation. Additional support and a thoughtful safety plan might be important.

HOW TO END A FRIENDSHIP

How you end a friendship depends on the relationship, its significance, the circumstances, and your safety.

1. LETTING THE FRIENDSHIP GRADUALLY FADE

Many more peripheral friendships end naturally over time. You might initiate less frequently, decline more invitations, or simply spend less time together.

Sometimes this happens intentionally, and sometimes our lives gradually move in different directions. We have limited time and emotional energy, and we can't maintain every friendship at the same level of closeness indefinitely.

1. HAVING A DIRECT CONVERSATION

For a more significant friendship, a direct conversation might feel more appropriate.

You can be clear about your decision without trying to punish or humiliate the other person. Even when you're hurt, disappointed, or angry, compassion and boundaries can coexist.

Compassion doesn't mean allowing someone to continue treating you poorly. It means taking responsibility for what belongs to you while allowing the other person to take responsibility for what belongs to them.

Sometimes the clearest and kindest thing we can do is say that the relationship is no longer working for us and establish the boundaries we need going forward.

1. ENDING CONTACT

When a friendship has become abusive, volatile, threatening, or otherwise unsafe, a gradual withdrawal or extended conversation might not be appropriate.

Sometimes ending contact means removing someone's ability to reach you, blocking phone numbers or social media accounts, or otherwise creating firmer boundaries.

You don't owe someone continued access to you simply because you once shared an important friendship.

ENDING A FRIENDSHIP WITH CARE

Friendship endings can bring grief even when we know the relationship isn't healthy for us anymore. We might miss who the person once was to us, remember what we shared, question our decision, or grieve what we hoped the friendship could become.

Ending a friendship thoughtfully isn't about deciding that one person is entirely good and the other entirely bad. Sometimes it's about recognizing that a relationship has reached a point where continuing it asks us to give up too much of ourselves.

We can appreciate what a friendship once gave us while also recognizing when it's time to let it go.

🌿 Explore more mental health resources: https://www.livingmorefully.com/mental-health-resources.html

Learn more about therapy: https://www.livingmorefully.com/

There are times when we realize a friendship isn't feeling as satisfying as we'd like. Maybe contact has become sporadic, the relationship feels increasingly one-sided, unresolved tension has accumulated, or a friendship that once felt close and enjoyable now feels a little stale.

That doesn't necessarily mean the friendship needs to end. Sometimes relationships simply need attention.

In this episode, I explore how to give an important friendship a "tune-up": taking an honest look at what's working, identifying what's missing, communicating more directly about what you need, and experimenting with ways of creating greater connection, reciprocity, and enjoyment.

Part of The Friendship Series from Living More Fully.

EPISODE NOTES

WHEN A FRIENDSHIP NEEDS A TUNE-UP

Most long-term relationships go through periods when they work better and periods when they need more attention. Friendships are no different.

Sometimes what's needed isn't a new friendship, but some new energy in an existing one. That might mean spending more meaningful time together, addressing an unresolved resentment, establishing better boundaries, becoming more vulnerable, or simply making the friendship more of a priority again.

Before trying to fix something, though, it helps to understand what's actually happening.

ASSESSING THE FRIENDSHIP

Consider asking yourself:

• How long has the friendship felt this way? • Has it always been this way, or has something changed? • Is this dynamic unique to this friendship, or do I notice something similar in several of my relationships? • What do I genuinely value about this friendship? • What's missing that I wish were there? • Is there something I've been avoiding talking about? • What would I realistically like to be different?

The goal isn't to determine who is at fault. It's to become clearer about the relationship you're actually in and what might help it become more satisfying.

COMMON PROBLEM AREAS IN FRIENDSHIPS

Friendships can become strained for all kinds of reasons, including:

• The relationship feels one-sided or insufficiently reciprocal • You don't spend enough quality time together • Contact has become too inconsistent • One person frequently cancels or doesn't follow through • Other priorities, such as work, children, or romantic relationships, have changed how much time is available • Geographic distance makes maintaining closeness more difficult • You have different expectations around privacy, honesty, loyalty, or communication • Boundaries aren't being communicated or respected • One person wants considerably more contact while the other needs more space • You have different relationships with time, planning, punctuality, or spontaneity • Time together feels draining more often than enjoyable • The friendship originally developed through convenience or circumstance, and you're discovering you might not have as much in common anymore • There isn't enough vulnerability or authenticity for the friendship to develop greater depth

None of these automatically means a friendship is unhealthy or doomed. Often, the important question is whether both people are willing and able to understand the differences between them and make adjustments.

HAVING A FRIENDSHIP "STATE OF THE UNION"

If the friendship matters to you, it might be worth having a direct conversation about how it's going.

You might talk about:

• What you appreciate about the friendship • What's working well • What you've been missing • Something that's been bothering or hurting you • What you'd like more or less of • What your friend might need from you • Specific changes each of you could realistically make

Whenever possible, approach the conversation with curiosity rather than accusation. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt doesn't mean ignoring behavior that affects you. It means creating enough room to find out whether the two of you understand what's happening in the same way.

And when you're asking for something different, try to make the request clear and actionable. "I wish you cared more" is difficult to respond to. "I'd really like us to make plans to see each other at least once a month" gives your friend something concrete to consider.

MAKING ROOM FOR COMPROMISE

Friendships involve two people with different histories, personalities, needs, schedules, and priorities. Neither person is likely to get exactly what they want all of the time.

Healthy compromise means making enough room for both people's needs.

That doesn't require everything to be perfectly 50/50. There might be periods when one friend needs more support or has less to give. Reciprocity is better understood across the relationship over time than as an exact accounting of every interaction.

The more important question might be whether both people experience themselves as mattering in the friendship.

WAYS TO STRENGTHEN A FRIENDSHIP

Depending on what's missing, you might experiment with:

• Spending more quality time together • Creating more consistent contact • Scheduling regular friend dates rather than waiting until you're both magically free • Using different forms of communication thoughtfully: texting for staying connected or making plans, for example, while saving more complicated conversations for a call or face-to-face conversation • Communicating and respecting boundaries more clearly • Showing up for meaningful events and celebrations • Doing small extras that communicate care: a thoughtful message, card, call, gift, or check-in • Planning a trip or shared experience together • Allowing yourself to be more vulnerable and authentic • Expressing appreciation rather than assuming your friend already knows what they mean to you • Bringing more play, enjoyment, novelty, or positivity back into the relationship

Changes can feel awkward at first, especially when you've been relating to each other in the same way for a long time. Something feeling unfamiliar doesn't necessarily mean it's inauthentic. Sometimes we're simply practicing a different way of showing up.

RE-EVALUATING THE FRIENDSHIP

After you've communicated more clearly and tried making some changes, give yourself time to notice what happens.

Ask yourself:

• Does the friendship feel different? • Are both of us making an effort? • Are the changes sustainable, or do we quickly return to the same dynamic? • Is there anything else that needs to be communicated? • Do I feel more connected, understood, and able to be myself? • Is this friendship worth the amount of time and energy I'm giving it?

Sometimes a friendship responds beautifully when we give it more attention. Sometimes our efforts clarify that the relationship needs to become less central in our lives. And occasionally, doing our due diligence helps us recognize that it's time to let a friendship go.

We can't maintain every relationship at the same level of closeness. Being intentional about where we invest our limited time and emotional energy can help us create friendships that feel more reciprocal, meaningful, and alive.

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