Locker Room Power

The old school of telling kids and people what to do or the “my way or the highway” methods, whilst proven to be a poor way of getting the best out of people, surprisingly still prevail. 

Basic psychology myths when things are not working and going wrong that all one has to do is try harder, or emotionally blackmailing and “shaming” people, amazingly are still used as tools to motivate. 

Why is this? 

There are several reasons! 

The myths that supposedly motivate!

Invalidation: Steer away from invalidating others. In short this means never attack them personally or dismiss their ideas, statements as irrelevant. Instead question their viewpoint and ask for their reasoning or evidence and then offer an alternative. If they don’t agree it is unlikely you will persuade them through battering them with more and more reasons why you make sense, so let them find out the hard way if that is the outcome.

Shaming and guilt tripping: Never shame others to manipulate them into doing what you want. Whilst it can work it leaves a bad taste or even worse affects their self-esteem. As an example - “Do you realise how stupid you look when you play like that?” “You know how much we spend on your education and all you can manage is a C?”

Emotional blackmail: Never emotionally blackmail to motivate - There are countless examples  - “If you really loved me you would…..buy me that, try harder, lose weight etc. This only makes people feel like shit and trains them to be ridiculously hard on themselves to please.

Fear 

I won’t say never use fear but be careful in using fear. 

Sometimes it has to be used as a last resort and consequence for continued poor performance.

If you go through several supportive training steps, and have the person clarify their understanding of a job and still they continue to under perform then perhaps they don't value the job or want the job or whatever, then the fear of dismissal would be a last consequence.

So, what does good teaching and motivation look like? It is founded on a curiosity to bring the best out of others by stimulating people to find answers, helping them find clarity by asking good questions or especially with children showing and demonstrating the right way and letting them learn by copying, with constant encouragement until they succeed. 

The golden rules to teaching and motivating are:

Ask good questions.

Encourage people to experiment for themselves and allow them to make mistakes and learn.

Get permission to give a strong opinion or to share your expertise with a question such as this “I have experience of this situation so would you like me to share my solution?” Or “How would you like to try something?”

Once you have built trust then occasionally you can draw on that trust for efficiency and say something like “I would love to share the ins and outs of this but right now you just have to trust me and do what I ask!” Stick around the 80/20 mark to keep the trust.

Thanks

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I think this is one of the most helpful changes I have made in my life. When I was younger I tended to be a little bit arrogant because of my belief and conviction that I was right in the solutions that I was offering. I actually believed I could help others run their life better if they took my advice and whilst sometimes this could be true, it is a dangerous assumption because no one can truly walk in another person’s shoes, we can only strive to understand.

When I learned that helping people is more about asking the right questions and for them to decide for themselves the right course of action, was a game changer. I no longer saw it as my mission to persuade people to do what was best for them.

This humility was also liberating because when someone does what you tell them to do, you become responsible for the outcome. This is far different from facilitating a decision.

I have also learned that the obvious solution is not always the best solution and equally if I must be able to clearly explain an argument for a decision to avoid buying into my own biases. When it comes to conflict or arguments my three key learnings are:

Rather than looking to be right and winning an argument, you can start to come to an equitable conclusion that is helpful to both parties.

I think it's really important in business or in teams to reward dissenters and encourage others to think outside the box from the collective psyche and then ask everybody to argue in favour of the dissenter, which will often prove their argument incorrect, but then it's easier for the dissenter to understand it. And if the dissenter’s argument is proved correct, it is easy for the collective to accept because in front of their eyes and during this process the favourable path becomes obvious.

In any conflict the key learning is to talk in a way that never invalidates the other person's feelings but rather challenge them with questions which stay away from any condescending rhetoric, as long as the questions are not condescending.

We are all emotional beings doing our best in each situation to figure out what is best for us so, when we make poor decisions it's rarely because we haven't thought about it, it is just our reasoning that leads us to a decision. This is why it's so important not to attack the decision. Rather, question the reasoning behind decisions. 

Lastly, I'm going to put a JustGiving link at the bottom of the notes and I hope that you will join me in helping Ali Oumarou, a coach in the Ivory Coast who I have supported for 10 years in his final step to achieve our dream of helping young underprivileged tennis players progress to tournament levels and beyond, hopefully becoming good enough to change their lives infinitely by earning college scholarships. We are 11% of the way so please contribute what you can as every bit helps. The full story is on the JustGiving site and on my pinned social media.

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/david-sammel?utm_term=QPvEB8wy8

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We are all weird

Every experience, every interpretation and every life is different as distinct as a thumb print. With this in mind we are all weird in some way to others. The beauty of life is that every person is diverse from another and whilst we have languages to communicate what we experience we can be sure that others experience it differently but we can agree on the overall feelings if not the detailed feelings. 

Most people are trying to figure out what the best way forward is for themselves and have a made up idea of what normal is for them and can mistakenly believe that this is a world standard that others need to live up to. 

It is incredibly arrogant to try impose any norms on others other than those laws that protect from murder, theft and behaviour that harms others intentionally, which is in itself a minefield because sensitivities are so variable. 

We certainly must become humble enough as a species to stop imposing and focus on trying to understand and accept totally different paradigms and beliefs. Live and let live is a simple statement though perfect because of its simplicity. If humans eliminated these two desires - to be right and to judge others in order to feel superior or again believe that their way of life is right the world would improve hugely. The ego wants to conquer and be right and will push people to war to prove that their weirdness is the only normal way to live. Religion, cults, teams and businesses often wish to impose their culture on others so convinced are they that their way is the best way.  Culture is important as long as people are free to choose. In business and teams a healthy, designed culture is essential for success but must always remain open to evolution.

I wrestle with the messages that I’m delivering via this podcast and work to avoid preaching anything. My aim is to stimulate reflection and awareness but is the tone right? 

The older I get the more aware I am of how uncertain any idea can be and how important it is for each person to own their own mind and decide for themselves what type of person and life they wish to be and lead. 

Questions I ask:

How much have I delegated the responsibility of how I live to what others think is normal? 

How accepting am I of everyone’s weirdness? 

Is what I’m sharing helpful or a self-indulgence? (Too much work to be any other than stupid if it is self-indulgence)

It’s a daily challenge to accept my own and others weirdness. I do believe that as I evolve, I feel less pressure but then again that might just be a weird perception 😂😂😂

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Our life is predominantly in our own heads and because of everyday tasks and interactions we easily forget how much choice we have. There are things in life that we have to live through that are not our choice and whilst we can’t choose our initial emotional reaction we can choose and manage our subsequent actions and attitude towards what happens. 

We have to guard against saying we have to or need to do things when mostly it is what we are choosing to do. There is not much that we have to do without choice. 

There are two stories of mental cages. There was an elephant…. and the fleas. 

Freedom is vigilance to make sure we have not created our own gaol or limitations in our mind, to keep reminding ourselves of the limitless choices we have. 

You may find it helpful to nail down Fear and clear out all unhelpful doubts and fears that limit your ability to choose wisely. 

We can’t overcome fears that are a moving target. Nail them down. Describe and write down exactly what your fears or doubts are and listen to my previous podcast on fear. 

Doubt is usually healthy because the bigger the doubt usually indicates larger tasks or goals and normal to doubt managing something we have not done before. The choice is always ours as to whether we attempt to go for something! We equally choose to talk ourselves out of things by using excuses like time or not ready or too young, old, unfit and any infinite ideas we invent. 

I think today with phones, consoles, and computers more and more of our life is an analysis of what we imagine others think and how we imagine the moods of others based on text and messages causing often unwarranted anxiety and stress rather than calling the person and clarifying what they really meant. 

Altogether so much mental energy goes out on speculation and assumptions. We forget we have a choice to chuck out most of the stuff in our heads. Try vacuum your mind periodically on a walk, run or meditation. Often ask the question - is this real or am I assuming something? 

Why do we care so much? If we are a good person with good intentions what others think is none of our business. Apart from the people who truly care about us where we need to take emotional care and go the extra mile to carefully consider where we are with them we still need to analyse if what is being asked or done to us is warranted - the rest is just noise.

In summary ask often if what you are doing is really what you are choosing or is it to fit in or through habit, a gaol of our own making. 

Book a discovery call - https://calendly.com/david-2060/discovery-call-ny-eastern

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Whatever it is that you do it’s important to figure out the goalposts that you’re aiming for because it’s very frustrating to be aiming for moving targets. For instance, if it is money, or fame or a ranking – whatever the goal, make sure it is clearly defined.

However I contend that even more importantly you need to decide what you are prepared to accept as a minimum achievement. With almost 8 billion people on earth, whilst it is admirable to aim for number one the reality is that it is unlikely and will only ever be a temporary position.

It is worth spending time working out what is acceptable for you to continue doing what you do and preferably love. This target is the only bar you need to get over because anything above that can then be viewed as gravy. There is only ever a thin layer of gravy because the reality is it’s the food that sustains us and what we can’t do without.

It’s more enjoyable if we choose healthy food so whatever it is you choose to do make sure it leads to or is work you can enjoy most the time.

In my experience, athletes that approach well defined targets with the mindset that they’re only prepared to do it if it works out generally quit too early, because no one can judge accurately the amount of adversity, and time it will take to master skills to the highest levels. Without clearly defining the lowest bar there is likely to be a constant feeling of failure, of nothing ever being good enough other than the high bar.

It is far healthier and enjoyable if your only concern is improving your skills as that ultimately determines a lot of the outcomes. Competence, not only breeds confidence, it is usually visible and makes it easier for others to appreciate.

There are always outliers, though, it is rare for someone to be highly competent and not make a living or achieve anything, just as it is rare for somebody who is totally incompetent to reach the highest levels. I know there are many other factors in life, such as connections, network, opportunity and resources that affect success with personal life choices being one of the biggest, but I standby the thought that if your attitude and work ethic are good, you can only improve and achieve many things.

Whatever metric you use to measure your personal success. make sure you think about it and write it down to remind you to not move the target the moment you get there.  Enjoy the success before you decide what your next move or hurdle to jump will be.

Life moves on continuously so understand that it is folly to chase the front of the traffic on a motorway. Even if you are one of the rare breed that temporarily is at the head of the traffic at some point, cars will come along and pass you or turn onto the motorway ahead of you so is it not healthier to actually enjoy driving?

True success in anything demands a level of unconditional effort. Relationships feed and grow through unconditional love and effort.

A purely transactional life is a lonely and poor life starved of the richness that comes from doing things for love.

In summary what level is worth it to you? Put a minimum ranking or amount on it so you know what you are aiming for and if you achieve it happily go chasing rainbows.

If you would like to arrange a 15minute call to discuss your circumstances and how I may be of help book via the Calendly link in the show notes. https://calendly.com/david-2060/discovery-call-ny-eastern

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Part 2 of Talking Tennis - John asks me about Liam and the future, superstitions, rankings, Wimbledon ban of Belarussians, Russians and points. Next week we will be back to the 5 minute episodes. Hope you enjoy this latest detour and if you wish to connect further please email [email protected] or check out Twitter @DaveSammel or Instagram @david_sammel

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FOMO has a bad rap because it's automatically assumed that the fear of missing out is a bad thing. Because it invokes feelings of comparison and that if you don't have certain things that other people have it can encourage reckless spending, partying too hard, jealousy and any number of unhelpful pastimes.

However, when you are afraid of doing something then you can use FOMO to your advantage because flipping the fear of missing out on its head can be inspiring. How may you ask? 

Well, what if you use this fear to focus on all the things you could gain by doing whatever it is you are avoiding? This can be an excellent way of encouraging yourself to take a perceived risk. We so often focus on what we fear and rarely do we list the consequences that the fear of not doing something will bring. This is where FOMO can be a very positive thing. If you are scared of losing out and not giving something your best shot, by thinking about everything you will gain then perhaps your courage will grow. 

Imagine that you wanted to approach someone that you were highly attracted to but were afraid of being rejected or of making a fool of yourself. If you then thought of perhaps the devastating consequences that could occur if you did not approach this person such as the start of an amazing relationship that took you on a journey that you never ever dreamed of or what if this was the person that you could spend the rest of your life with if either of you just knew each other? How would you feel if you knew for sure that only the fear of introducing yourself, meant missing out on the life that you were destined to have?

If you're afraid of asking for a raise, think FOMO on all you'd be missing out on by not getting the raise? That extra holiday that you want to take or the car or laptop you want to buy. I encourage you to turn FOMO on its head and use it as a way of galvanizing yourself to overcome fears that prevent you from doing things.

Altering a perception can be very powerful, when you can take something that has a negative connotation and turn it into a real positive.

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