Locker Room Power

I know I have said these words – “Every single day you get up and do something to improve your life you are succeeding. Failure is a myth if you learn and go forward from each “failure”. However, you are failing yourself if you know the difference yet still accept mediocre performance from yourself.

A classic reason for accepting mediocre performance and compromising excellence is the fear of upsetting others. This more than anything will guarantee failure at a high level. 

People who succeed in any profession have drive, ambition and a quest to do things well. These people are often labelled ‘difficult’ to work with because they will not accept average. This does not mean they don’t make mistakes or that they will not listen to reason. 

Their minds are agile, their spirit adventurous and their tolerance for mediocre low. Not everyone is like this and that's okay but being different means that getting ahead is standing out from the crowd which is uncomfortable and can act as a deterrent. The point is if you want to standout, you are by default not part of the crowd and this can be a difficult place. Ironically so often those who urged you to conform are often the first to say how they knew you before your success and hold you up as a beacon.

If you are a go-getter with lofty ambitions, choose very carefully who you listen to because the reality is you have to be brave and make mistakes to get anywhere. As long as you learn from missteps you are still going forward. If those helping you on the journey cannot handle the blunt honesty that can create a breakthrough sometimes needed, then the problem lies with them. 

In life there are those who tell us what we want to hear and advise against the "nasty bearers of truth" who don't have our backs like they do! Remember to stay open to blunt advice and evaluate it carefully because we all need to be challenged. Surrounding yourself with people who only say ‘yes’ to you is a terrible place to be and a sign that you need to change things. Intelligent conflict and debate are crucial to excellence so embrace people who challenge. We don’t have to like someone in order to learn from them.

In the "Play to gain" chapter of my book Locker Room Power https://amzn.to/2wvXGeo I explain how often it is the people closest to us that pull us back through their own fears or ignorance of operating at a high level. 

Be respectful but never confuse a drive for quality as meaning you are not a good person. The worst quote in my opinion is “nice guys finish last.” 

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Today I'm going to talk about some statements that I feel could influence how you think about life and maybe in thinking about these things, it will stimulate some different reactions to situations that you maybe normally would have. 

So the first statement is, whoever comes into your life are the right people. I interpret this to mean that some people come to test us, some people come to challenge us, some people come to help us. The reason they show up in our lives is because at any point in time, we need to learn something, or a lesson. And it takes responsibility to think about stuff that's happening to us, and how much we've brought on for ourselves. These people who maybe sent to test us because we have a lesson to learn, so that we don't have to keep passing the same tests. The second one is, whatever happens is the only thing that could have. 

So as you go through your life, things happen. And it takes your life in certain directions. And you are where you are, because of all of the decisions that you made all of the things that have happened to you. And, you know, again, if if you think that this is your way you are because of all of this, and that this is where you are actually meant to be, then from this point, you can start to change things and do things maybe differently, if you want different outcomes. And that leads on to number three is, whenever it starts is the right time. So whatever habits you have, that you want to break, whatever goal you have, that you want to go off to, after, you know, don't wait, if you if you feel as the time is now then stop, because now obviously you've had enough experience or whatever you've gone through, to get to the point where you believe that this is something that you can do, and therefore the right time is NOW. 

The fourth one is a quote from a guy called Harrison Owen. He said, very simply, when it's over, it's over. And whilst that is feels a little bit maybe negative. I think it's also great statement to think that when it's over, it's over. So you better live now and do what you want to do, and as much as you can, whilst you're alive. Go after the things that you want to go after. Because when it's over, it's over. You know, nobody knows the great question is what happens after? And I'm not certainly not here to talk about that. Because that's, that's a subject that's absolutely massive, and nobody's ever been able to answer. But I think living with that idea that, you know, time isn't forever for anybody. And when you're young, of course, you think you have plenty and plenty time. But certainly being a bit older now you realise that? Wow. You know, as a youngster, you also wasted a lot of time that I could have done things that that could have put me in a different place now. Now, it's not that I regret it because if you listen to my previous podcast and the myth of regret, which I 100% believe in is I am where I am now because of what I've done in the past. And it's the right place for me to be but that doesn't mean that I can't learn from past lessons and pass that on to younger people, so that they can take advantage of their lives in in the best way that they can But remember every life is is our own picture to paint. And there's no right or wrong way for living life. 

This just living maybe a slightly deeper subject this week, but I hope that you reflect on these and see what it does for you. Thanks very much and speak again next week.

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Bloody emotions!

Today's episode comes to you courtesy of Justin who lives in America. He's wanting some advice on how to manage his emotions under pressure. Whether it's playing his club tennis, or just sometimes in life when things seem to be building up, he feels like it's very difficult for him to manage his emotions and sometimes on the tennis court it results in outbursts of anger or frustration. Thanks to Justin as I'm grateful for any topic suggestions. 

There was a very interesting story I once heard about a gentleman and his wife standing in line to buy tickets to see a show in the theatre, which was very popular. And the line was pretty long and moving slowly. They were just three from getting tickets when a man pushed in in front of them. Naturally his blood was boiling and he's just about to take him on when he noticed that the guy was wearing dark sunglasses and had a white stick and immediately the anger and the boiling desire to take this guy on disappeared as he probably doesn't even know that he's pushed in the line. He became sympathetic and was about to offer to gift him a ticket when guy behind him suddenly said, “Oh, wow, he's done it again, this guy is not blind. He always uses this trick to cut lines. Immediately the chap was absolutely fuming again and ready to take the fake blind man to task. So, within the space of a minute, he went from being extremely angry to calm and empathetic to blood boiling again.

How you interpret a situation can take us from blood boiling, to calm to upset again. This means that when anything happens, there is a short window where we have a choice in how we're going to react and to try and evaluate a situation to deal with it in the best way possible.

Managing your emotions, really comes down to how well you manage that space between what happens, and the immediate emotion felt…… to deciding how you're going to react to it. We cannot control our emotions we can only train them to be less severe.

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Today I'm gonna talk about hypocrisy. I have a belief that hypocrisy stems from the ego which is within all of us, and our ego projects its job as protecting us and keeping us strong. The two powerful tools that it uses are beliefs and identity. We believe certain things and we think we're certain types of people. As an example, if you think you're a good person, you might say I don't hurt people, but the reality is, this is hypocrisy because there's no one on the planet who's never hurt another person’s feelings. Different situations will bring out disparities in how we think especially when under huge pressure, maybe to keep a job or to protect a loved one. People will tell lies, to protect the identity that they have cultivated and the image they want other people to have of them. There are times in life where people do not live up to their image or stay true to beliefs because when we feel intimidated, then to protect ourselves, to fit in, or to impress others we can turn our backs on our beliefs and assume a different persona. 

Many believe that every man has his price, others believe not. Until faced with a situation where a great gift or horrible threat is posed in return for compromise, no-one can say for sure that they will stick to principles that severely tests that belief.

And that is the crucial thing. Try to get rid of some of your hypocrisy by really examining your beliefs and testing and researching them in your mind. Explore where they come from and if they are appropriate and even if you actually agree with them rather than having them because everyone you hang round has them. Each culture or group has its beliefs about others and what is right and often dismiss another way of life as definitely not for them only to alter their whole viewpoint when they experience another way. The moment you judge others by your standards and experiences you are a hypocrite because this is akin to believing you would be the same person no matter where you were born. The ego lacks humility and therefore will defend the indefensible to be right. So often when our beliefs don't stand up under scrutiny, we are so wedded to them that we employ another human trait which is the ability to justify anything.

At the end of the day, I think it is healthy to say there are certain things that I believe in and to the best of my knowledge I believe I will be able and want to stick to them when tested but until I'm in that position, I cannot categorically say that I will react the way I believe I will. 

It is the human condition to bend and there are people who bend more than others. Therefore, the amount of hypocrisy depends on how much self-awareness and strength of mind we develop to stick to beliefs we have examined as right for us from those imposed on us by our upbringing and society. I certainly believe to evolve as a human being we need to examine beliefs and give up the ones that no longer make sense. Otherwise, hypocrisy will grow.

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Whether you are the coach, teacher, or learner the following will help. As a learner try find environments and coaches who tick these boxes and if you are a teacher then this has worked for me on both sides of the fence. 

In my experience how well we learn boils down to the simple practice of:

If you're looking to teach people, especially kids you need to stimulate them by taking them to see something with their own eyes and if it grabs them then you can introduce some discussion about it. Once you have peeked their curiosity to the point where the answer to “how would you like to do this?” is a resounding yes, only then move to introduce some instruction and coaching from an expert in the field who will make it fun. Great teachers are knowledgeable and fun teachers. They inspire people to want to do the work to get better in an environment that is not onerous but in large part, enjoyable. There's almost nothing worse than an expert who really knows their stuff yet bores the pants off people. 

Once you've learned the fundamentals it is so important to practice. As an example, I'm trying to learn a new system of keeping track of what I'm doing and came across a brilliant method that was taught to me by a coach via video and PowerPoint slides. I'm at the stage that I know it and can do it but if I don't do it again for two or three days I will have to refer back to my notes or to the videos to refresh myself. 

I have no doubt that after couple of months the sequence and the system will be a part of my life and unforgettable for a fairly long period of time. There is nothing truer and what you don't use you lose. Today, it is so easy to teach people through a combination of audio, visual and kinetic senses enabling them to gravitate naturally to their favourite style of learning. 

When I read books, I've gotten a lot better at stopping and writing down in my phone any notes I wish to remember. So often in the past I vaguely remember something and then it takes me ages to track it down the underlined bits or highlights in a book. One of the downsides of audio books, especially when listening whilst driving is it is impossible to take the notes. However, I now stop the audio book and dictate something important I want to remember, recording important bits of information to go back to later. 

Some great ways of internalizing any learning are to write about it, teach it to others or use the information over and over again until it becomes part of what you know without having to refer back to notes.

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We often hear people talking about ‘imposter syndrome.’ This phrase refers to a feeling of being an impostor, unable to take credit for your own success and believing that you are a fake. Impostor syndrome is commonly experienced by high-achieving individuals, especially those who have recently experienced a great deal of personal success or recognition. It’s almost like a defense mechanism that kicks in when we feel like we cannot handle the pressure of the new level or the expectations that come with success. Unfortunately, this syndrome can be quite detrimental to your career and personal growth. If you want to learn how to kill Impostor Syndrome and prevent it from affecting your performance going forward, listen on!

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Expectations are a close cousin to comparison. Both will eat away at you and hurt you if you apply them wrongly, not only as a person, but in whatever you're trying to accomplish. The key takeaway is to remember that all expectations are future based and therefore subject to assumptions. Under normal circumstances we can assume but history is littered with black swan events that blow away expectations. Listen to the 22nd Panzer div story!

Don't get me wrong. There is a good side to expectations and comparison. It is healthy to expect better of yourself. It is healthy to strive for things that mean something to you and if there is someone who is already achieving what you want, learning from them and comparing the standards that they set for what you want to aspire to is beneficial but expecting to be like them and comparing yourself to them is detrimental because you will always feel bad if you cannot replicate or have what they have. Having high expectations is fine if you are forgiving of yourself when things go wrong because resilience is easier when we are realistic about things going wrong. We control far less than we imagine. Thinking it is all in our hands feels safe, but perhaps if we see expectations as motivation rather than definite, we become psychologically more prepared to handle problems.

If you invest in the stock market and you have high expectations of a “sure bet” it will encourage arguably too much risk. There is no way anybody can tell the future and what will happen in the world so, if you have expectations that things will go very well, you must consider the alternative and then invest whatever you're comfortable with losing.

Historically if you stay invested for a long time the odds turn in your favour but if you're looking for a short term gain, disaster can easily happen. Similarly, in your career, you need to invest in yourself and have expectations of bringing high standards for a long time. Compound work over a long period pays the best dividends and early on the progress is often hard to notice. 

Setting realistic expectations of what you can achieve with a clear understanding that these are assumptions makes it more like a puzzle that you are trying to solve or conquer. It becomes unhealthy when you start to measure these expectations against timescales which don't consider unimagined problems. When you expect things to turn out a certain way then you’re setting yourself up without the flexibility of having to deal with a totally different landscape if the black swan event occurs. 

Expectations are a particularly a problem when working with other people especially if we expect them to behave in a way that we would behave or how we expect them to act, which is rare. We each see the world with our own logic, and it is arrogant and foolish to believe that our view of the world is best and right for others to follow, which they can’t anyway because their life experiences are so different from ours. Communication of each person’s expectations, their assumptions brings understanding and a better chance of a good outcome. We must check in regularly and keep updating our expectations for healthier relationships.

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We can put a goal out in the universe and focus on it, but there is no guarantee we will achieve it. What is guaranteed is we will learn and to come out with more experience. Life is a series of destinations, some of which we will have the pleasure of reaching and some not but every goal that we work hard for is worth it’s weight in gold in self worth.

An important distinction is to forever understand that what we do, what we chase and what we achieve is not who we are, just what we do. Our kids don’t care if we are a CEO or cleaner, they only care if we are a good parent whose actions show and give them happiness and love. Likewise with good friends.

Therefore working towards a goal will benefit our self worth if it is based upon expanding ourself, not as a mission to define our identity. We cannot be so flimsy as to be a good person, parent or example of positive self worth when we succeed and a bad one if not.

Part of self worth is to care about others and ourselves, but not care about what others think about us, which is always based on variable circumstances. What we think about ourself is our worth and our attitude and actions to working for a goal is what will affect our worth, not achieving it, which is a temporary high. Our actions will reflect our beliefs and attitude and therefore our world will reflect back what we think of ourselves.

Often the media tries to make us believe that others can make us who we are, damage our self worth, but the stark reality is - we can choose to own our worth or give it away.

Just as we are responsible whether we can receive unconditional love, because we cannot expect this if everything we do is conditional to how others will perceive us or what they can give back to us.

It is so simple yet so hard to continually accept that we are responsible for our lives. It is so easy to blame and find excuses. The easiest thing to find are people happy to play this game with us as long as we reciprocate and let them off the responsibility hook, until it becomes so believable that we forget we can and for our self worth must take responsibility for our decisions and choices.

It is this journey that I’m continually working to achieve, to cut out any blame or excuse. This constant awareness is starting to pay dividends when I have a decision to make - which is to ask myself “am I prepared to accept the outcome?” This in turn forces me to analyse the consequences more thoroughly.

I will end with a question that I grapple with, that is both wonderful and ugly! - What is it that I really want and am I prepared to take responsibility for the life it brings me?

If you want a deeper dive into goal setting and self worth I have an special offer on my book where you have access to both the digital and audiobook by following the link in the show notes. Locker Room Power book:

https://www.mindsetcollege.co.uk/offers/TZyNbjEu/checkout

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Have you ever noticed that if you're looking to buy a certain car, how you suddenly notice how many they are on the roads, and they seem to be popping up everywhere? Equally, when you focus on a project that's been hanging over your head and you've been procrastinating and when you finally settle down and really start working at it, how the focus you suddenly bring to the project brings you answers and ideas and it no longer seems as big or as impossible a task as you first thought. 

I would say focus is the biggest factor in determining a person's success. There are so many distractions in the world that it is sometimes very difficult to focus on the one thing that is gonna help you be successful. I too have suffered from this, where I have too many projects on the go and therefore the focus is too diversified. The bottom line is none of them turn out as well as the one that I maybe put more focus into. The trick, however, that I'm still learning is to have less projects and to focus on them one at a time and not grasshopper from one to the other. This is a constant struggle for me and from hard earned personal experience, I know how difficult this is, because things come up all the time and often there are opportunities where I think - wow this could be cool and if I can I just juggle this and that I can help a lot here and this opportunity could be great fun. Everything we take on will diminish something else, so learning to prioritise and what to say NO to is so valuable because time is finite each day and we always think we can fit more in than is actually possible.

Focus is our number one commodity, and we need to treat it with the respect that it deserves and understand how powerful it is when we fully focus on one thing at a time. People who are laser focused on the objective that they are trying to achieve and stick to it until completed or work to master their talents have the inside track. We are human but seldom deviating too far an objective is an advantage. 

I’m working on a two-pronged approach which is to separate long-term objectives from daily tasks. I’m much better at keeping long term goals in mind and working towards these, far less good at starting and completing individual smaller tasks without either being distracted away by messages coming in or suddenly thinking of something else I need to do and rather than making a note, I can stop what I’m working on and go do that instead. This hurts my productivity because getting back my train of thought when I get back to the original task is not so easy and can take a bit of time to refresh myself on what needs to be done – effectively double work. 

The other thing that hurts my day and week is when I fail to plan the priorities and when I will do them. The day or week becomes way more reactive, and things slip through the net which annoys me because I know this situation is avoidable. Bad planning affects focus more than anything because it lays us open to distractions, the panic of forgetting something and days we feel have largely been wasted on everything but what really matters.

I urge you to not make the excuses I made to myself for years that I hate routine and that spontaneity will be lost or the classic I don’t have time to plan in detail. Whilst I’m not amazing at this yet, having improved dramatically I can honestly say that preparation has become a real pleasure and helps my life run so much better and I’m still able to put people first and have more fun because less things hang over my head because I know I have either done them well or when I will do them. Unplanned stuff is what wakes me some nights!

Focus – a cliché thrown around like confetti but don’t be fooled this is one cliché that truly improves your life. Improving you focus means you are improving your greatest power!

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The word gift means that you're given something for nothing. It is a blessing that requires no work, and you don't have to earn it. It is simply a gift. Talent is a gift!

When people are gifted in any field, whether it be in sport, acting, plumber, electrician, looks, anything that we value in any field, it has been freely given to us and most of us are talented at something, often not that noticeable like a great parent or a person of great empathy that make others feel good.

This is not something to be proud of. This is something to be grateful for and this is what the myth of talent is, when people feel in some way that they're entitled to do well, admired or respected just because they are talented and gifted. No. Talent is only the starting point! How hard we work, the way we go about honing our skills to enhance the talent and what we build on top of the talent is what we can be proud of, because this is the work that we've put in to honour the talent that we've been given.

Talent does not determine whether we make it or not. It is an element of helping us get higher than we might have done with less talent. It is work, dedication and resilience that determine whether we make something of our talent. The world is full of people with talent. Every single person pretty much has something that they're good at, so why do some succeed and others not? It is simply because they are willing to go through the disappointments willing to learn and improve on their talent. So it's a myth that we need oodles of talent to make it in life.

It is work ethic and actions that is the final determinant as to how well we do in life. Sure, when the most gifted work the hardest, they become superstars. It's an amazing gift that they've been given but the rewards that they earn is because of the incredible work that they've put in in order to exploit that talent to its highest abilities.

Thanks for listening and get out there and happily do the work and see where it gets you because the most important thing is that you enjoy the fruits of what you earn from nurturing your own talents. Happy to work hard is what will bring you good things in life and remember hard work is mostly fun unless you perceive the word hard as anything else other than the path to feeling great about yourself.

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