Locker Room Power

How to deal with nerves:

Before we perform as an athlete, actor, presenting, a job interview or in any given situation where there is pressure to do well, even if it is a small audience of one, like a first date, as humans, we will have nerves.

The best of the best in the world will all all say that before a big event or match that they are nervous. It is part of the human condition. So what determines who can perform under pressure and those who struggle? Confidence is key but what makes us confident? Are some people born more confident than others? I doubt this and beside many have proved that they have learned to be confident. So what is the difference that gives some the confidence to perform even though they're nervous? Here are some key pointers:

I will be nervous before my first Case Study Group session this week. I have huge experience, done it many times before so what makes me nervous? My nerves are amazing - they are the very thing that force me to prepare well, to have a huge desire to give the group who are investing time and money into learning from me a wonderful experience. This is why we get nervous. If we don’t get nervous we probably don’t care.

As always please subscribe and if you are new please listen to previous episodes and connect with me on social media or via email in the show notes.

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The fact that “How we undervalue ourselves Part 1” is the most listened to of all my podcasts is an indication that many of us fall into the trap of undervaluing ourselves. I'm a big believer that much of undervaluing ourselves comes from overthinking and believing that other people think more about us than they actually do! Athletes are often very aware of who is watching them and get distracted when the reality is that more often than not the people watching are only vaguely interested and thinking about or discussing other things. We undervalue ourselves when we think others are judging us and zeroing in on all our mistakes when very often, they are equally worried about how we are judging them.

A good step forward is to stop overthinking and overestimating how much you feature in other people’s thoughts. It is invariably less than you imagine.

Often in a crisis when we really have to act such as if we see a kid fall into a swimming pool or someone in trouble, we immediately go into action and without thought, go and help them and invariably do a very good job. Parents and especially mothers fret over how well they are doing with their kids and forget that young children live in the present and most upset is quickly forgotten and that if the environment is full of love, that is enough and they don’t register our imperfections until much older when we can discuss our actions with them.

In areas of life where we are very capable, especially when we get into a flow state, operating on auto pilot, and love what we are doing we can accomplish really good stuff. However, a throw away comment or criticism by someone else, can cause doubt and fear that we are not good enough to creep in and crazily the comment can come from people we don’t respect or not qualified to pass judgement and still we take it to heart.

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Reflections.

I grew up in South Africa with two very unorthodox parents who for example adopted six children to make a total of 10 of us. They had a strong belief that rules are man-made and needed to be tested until proven to be valid, valuable and not harmful to the greater good. This stayed with me, and I would say that I've always been a risk taker who challenged authority. Inexperience meant I made many mistakes when I was younger and fought battles that were not mine to fight but with age, I was able to see less black and white and more grey, more of the mosaic of life. Over time my interpretation of what challenge meant modified. There is unfairness in the world everyday and therefore energies need to be focused on that where we have expertise and can make a difference. This podcast is an extension of my mindset to confront perceptions and focus on the small differences I can effect on an individual which in turn can impact those around them. If I say something that shifts your mind and improves your day or more than that, then surely producing this podcast is worth the effort.

I believe that most people want to help other people and I'm trying to do this in a tangible way. This podcast is an example of that. As I said in “Fuck the why” podcast I don’t have any great calling or amazing why that compels me to do this or any illusions that this, like most things, will by and large be lost in the ether of information overload. I do it because I know what I say can help and maybe it cheers up or helps someone have a better day or life and selfishly it forces me to reflect on my own thoughts and actions once a week.

We are all the product of our environment, how we grew up and I think it is of utmost importance to work on our self-awareness. How else do we challenge the scripting of our youth by parents and teachers? Surely evaluating our beliefs to make sure they are truly what we believe rather than blindly accepting the things that we grew up being told is part of owning ourselves? Identifying beliefs that are helpful to us or not must surely be a priority as we mature? If learn about ourselves and the things that are not so helpful and try to alter those, then we stop perpetuating the baggage of our parents through ourselves and onto our kids. At the same time, we want to pass on the things that have fortified us and helped us throughout our lives that came from our parents.

Most parents want to do their best and nobody has a blueprint with answers to their children’s needs but I believe that if we can implant in our children the ability to think, change and evaluate then they have a healthy way to develop their own beliefs and philosophies and each generation going forward can be better. Ultimately, despite all its problems the world is a safer and better place now than it was a century ago, or 500 years or 1000 years ago.

Parents, teachers, mentors, and coaches are just people and fallible, so I challenge you to reflect on anything I say in these podcasts. I remain and always will be an optimist that most people are doing their best to be good people and have empathy for each other and whilst this is the case the world is wonderful and if we choose to focus on the magic without being naïve about horrible realities, we can navigate a healthy mindset for ourselves.

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Today I want to talk about owning your own space. There is a big difference between respecting other people for what they've done and what they've achieved and owning your own space. In other words, is when you encounter an impressive person, remember that he or she is only another person. The fact that they've mastered their art, maybe exceptional in their field or happen to be in a high position of influence or very well known, at the end of the day, they are still people who live personal lives with their own problems and struggles. Whilst it’s important to have manners and remain respectful for all that they've achieved, you can't allow them to dominate you and expect you to defer to them in every situation.

If you've got something to offer, you stand your ground and you say your piece and if you happen to disagree or believe something different, you have as much right to your opinion as somebody who is well known in their particular field. Obviously, you're not going to argue with them about something that you don't know anything about but if you're sure of what you are talking about, then they need to have the respect for you and listen to you. If they expect you to respect them purely for who they are or their position rather than because they are very competent then the problem lies with them. Good people understand this and no matter how famous will be grounded and respectful of another’s experience and expertise.

I hope this makes sense. I'm going to end with a quote from the from Buddha, which I think is fantastic.

“Do not believe in anything simply because you've heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumoured by many, do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. After observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

This is exactly what I'm talking about in terms of owning your own space. Analyse and listen and it is imperative to take advice but then make your own decisions, take your own path, and trust your own instincts. No one can own you unless you let them, and no one knows you as well as you know yourself.

Please share this podcast if it adds value to your thinking as my experience is shared to help others get a little boost or insight into my lens of the world which has been an enjoyable life so far.

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Good morning. Good afternoon, good evening, wherever in the world you are, this is David Sammel, with another nugget. I'm going to talk today about how you can really help yourself to feel good. Think of your brain as a well-trained and highly tuned athlete that needs the right stuff to perform at its best. To do that, your brain needs to not only be in great shape but operate in a way that helps you to feel good about itself.

Therefore, what you know, how you speak to yourself and what you do for yourself does matter. So, in no particular order, things that you really want to look to be doing well are mostly obvious. However, scrutinizing the basics that affect your brain and how you feel is always a useful exercise because it is easy to get caught up in life and stray away from good habits such as:

How well are you eating?

Are you drinking enough water?

Do you exercise enough?

Do you get enough sleep?

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Good morning, good afternoon. Good evening, wherever in the world you are. This is David Sammel with another nugget. I'm coming to you from the mini paradise of Riverside, Connecticut, where I've been enjoying some family time which has been a a bonus. The downside being that Liam couldn’t qualify for the US Open, which was somewhat disappointing. But it gives me this family time, which is highly enjoyable.

Anyway, I'm going to talk to you about life happening so just get on with it. My take on it is that I've gott a lot better at understanding life when I realised that humans love solving problems that they like, crosswords, Wordle, games, puzzles, figuring out how things work, inventions to solve problems. All of these are problems of choice that we absolutely love. However, life is a problem machine and, in my programme, mindset college, I delve deep into the subject. But suffice to say that every day we wake up, problems come our way, some invited, some not.

When I realised that it's possible to tackle uninvited problems with the same attitude as invited problems, I stopped moaning about them, and decided to accept them as part of life and that they will always exist. Who has ever had the pleasure of sending things back that are faulty or having to deal with bad service or having to fight a shoddy workman to come back and redo a bad job, or even find new workmen and have has wasted money on a problem that could have been solved easily if you'd gotten the right person in the first place. Finding the right people is often a problem to solve. These are often seemingly unnecessary problems that we must fight and solve. But the thing is, because life is a problem machine, I had to get rid of two fantasies.

Do what you can to help where you can. A fantastic exercise to try is to pick a day where you catch yourself and stop yourself from moaning or complaining about any routine life problems that come up. If you can do this, more and more, you'll find you begin start to really relax into them, and just say, I’ve got to deal with it, so just get on with these daily problems.

Whilst we can choose many of the problems to solve, we can choose to be relaxed and stoic about the unnecessary problems that come with life and sometimes these trivial problems give us a good laugh or it's a good story to tell afterwards. Sometimes the problem can lead you to meet somebody who you would never have met, which can be very life enriching. Basically, life happens, embrace it, the good and the bad and try to have an attitude that says, I'm going to be accepting of daily hassle and remain relaxed about most problems. Thanks - Hope that helps.

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Good morning, good day, good evening, wherever in the world you are. This is David coming to you from New York after a disappointing tournament for Liam, and that's the subject of this week's nugget. Basically, how to get over terrible disappointment. Disappointment happens to everybody. And whilst it's easy to say think positive and just carrying on, I think it's important to actually acknowledge disappointment and that sometimes it really does hurt badly, like you want to turn the clock back and have another chance. When things that you work hard for, and strive for a goal that doesn’t turn out it can temporarily be crushing and demoralizing.

The important thing, though, is that, once over the initial shock of missing out find someone you trust and understands what it means to you and talk through your disappointment, which from personal experience I have found helps.

So often the seeds for what you must do next germinate from this ‘venting’. As soon as you have something tangible to do, start to immediately to plan for the next step, because ultimately, it is very rare, where a goal that is not met, cannot be gone after again.

Obviously, if you can't go after the goal again, and it's just totally done, it can be temporarily pretty much devastating. But in devastation, comes renewal, renewed thinking, and again, looking for the next thing that you can aim for. The reality is in life we all set goals and have dreams and some people are very fortunate, and I don't mean lucky in the sense that they don't work hard for things but that they have a talent that combined with huge desire and all the work, they attain many goals and many dreams.

All of us can attain dreams to a greater or lesser extent, but not everybody is and can be prolific. Even those who attain many dreams, achieve almost everything that they set out to achieve, will have misses and disappointments.

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Good morning, good day, good evening, wherever in the world you are, this is David Sammel with a new nugget. Today I'm going to talk about the fact that everything passes. Nothing is permanent. Think about it in your history, the good things, and the bad things. Nothing lasts forever. So, you can have some wonderful things happen to you, and they pass. And then you can have some negative things happen to you and they too pass, nothing is permanent.

We've all heard the saying, if you don't plan, plan to fail. And whilst there is truth in this, there is also an element of chance to it. So, if you plan, and you have a long term plan, you will keep heading towards it. However, you may not land up where you thought you would, because whilst you're working towards these plans, life happens. And life doesn't always happen and in fact, mostly doesn't happen exactly as we plan it. I'm not saying at all that you shouldn't dream plan, and work towards goals, because I think it's very important that that we have direction. But at the same time, when it's not going according to plan, there's no need to panic, because that time will pass. And there's a chance that you'll get back on plan, or your life will take a different direction that you actually like, and can work towards new goals.

And if it's something that turns in a direction that you don't like, of course, it's in your hands to change that direction again. And therefore, it is really important when things aren't going well to kind of breathe, breathe in, breathe out and try to relax about it, stay cool about it, and calm about it. Because whatever difficulty it is, it will pass and all wars come to an end. Everything in life, including different civilizations have come to an end and species even come to an end. So, you know, what I'm basically saying is, make your plans, have your goals, have your dreams, go after them but also remember that it is part of the process of maybe or maybe not achieving the goals but nobody achieves all of their goals, that's just impossible.

Enjoy the process as much as you can. And when things get very sticky remember that it will pass and the good times will happen again. Hope this helps in a small way. And thanks very much.

And remember if you're really enjoying these nuggets, and you know I'm starting to get some good comments, which is really appreciated, please pass it on and share and I'll speak to you next week.

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Good morning, good day, good afternoon, wherever in the world you are. Today, I'm going to talk to you about poise, poise for thought. If somebody has good poise, it means that they're basically look calm under pressure. How do people with poise do this?

Well, one of the important things, I believe, is that we need to resist the urge to reply immediately to a question or say something immediately when someone else has spoken. It is important to think before you speak, yet, we're so used to automated responses that we tend to talk before we think, and a good habit, especially in an important conversation, is to resist the urge to reply instantly.

State, something like this. Give me a minute to think about what you've said, this is perfectly understandable. And you don't need to be rushed. You need to own your own space, and not allow people to rush you into answers. You can if you're not quite sure of exactly what they've said, you can say, could you explain further? Or let me see if I understand you correctly, what you're saying is, and then you repeat what they've said, to make sure that you do understand exactly what they've said. So my understanding of what you said is, and then you can clarify, which also gives you time to think about the answer that you'd like to respond with. So overall poise for thought, is taking that little bit of time to think, to understand, and then to respond effectively, and respond with what you really want to say, given some thought. We've all watched movies and see how amazing the the rhetoric is, and movies. But of course, these are lines that are learned. And then we all think, oh, wow, if only I could be that quick. Well, the reality is, very few people are always that quick. In fact, nobody's always that quick. So when we need time, we need to take the time so that we're not always saying to ourselves, ah, if I only thought about this, I'd only thought about that, I would have said this or that. Take the time in the moment to think about what you really want to say. And it doesn't matter. There's no rush. You know, this urge to fill, the space of silence is so strong within all of us. And if we can learn to resist that urge, we will have poise for thought. Thanks very much. And again, please subscribe, follow what ever you would like to do. And any feedback is always welcome. And if there's any topics that you'd like to hear about, please reach out to me, David at mindset college.co.uk and let me know your thoughts. Thank you

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Egos can make us think we are so fucking clever!

Whilst my nuggets are intended to offer insights I’m well aware that sometimes I may stray into telling and therefore coming across as being clever. I apologise for these lapses because I know coaching is more about offering perspectives, allowing others to reflect, consider and then choose their own path.

The fact is we are not that great at giving advice - our egos make us think we are better than we are when in reality no one knows better what they should do than each person for them self. If we are forceful and confident we can persuade others to take our advice yet as well meaning as we might be the truth is we can often be wrong because we are seeing the solution from our lens and experiences not through theirs. Going back to last weeks nugget - offering advice assumes a helluva lot of mind reading and arrogance that we know best.

If someone asks directly for your advice and you have experience and expertise then it is fair to reply “In my experience this is what I would do but emphasise that the decision still resides with them.

Naturally this applies to adults because asking a young child to make their own decisions in situations that they cannot understand or where their driving emotion of want will win no matter what the danger or folly, would of course be irresponsible. This is one of the most difficult judgments parents have to constantly make - the timing of how much liberty to give and which decisions we can safely allow children to take? This is a constantly evolving boundary that requires on going and thoughtful evaluation.

What I’m working on is to master the skills of asking the right questions to help others decide for themselves or to offer an alternative perspective through a story that relates to their predicament.

One question that helps people down the path to their own solutions is “what options do you have?”

If they run dry quickly a good follow up question is “what else could you do?” and if you feel there is another burning option ask the person if they would like you to give them another option to consider? This leaves the power in their hands.

The finest compliment any coach can get is if someone says to you - “wow I knew what the right thing to do was, and what I had to do and you helped me get the clarity to take the decision.”

Finally, join me in a challenge to avoid as much as possible the trap of thinking - “I’m so fucking clever and know what is best for another person.”

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