LOL Sober

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I saw a tweet the other day where the author posted a screen grab from a legal message board. Someone had posted that she was getting divorced and both her and her ex-husband decided to represent themselves because they thought the breakup was cordial. And she said it had been that way for awhile.

But in the post, she describes how she bought 12 pairs of very expensive shoes during their marriage, and each time she bought one, he would get mad. Then she would buy another one.

The reason she was bringing it up online is because during the divorce proceedings, the ex-husband had asked for half the shoes. But not six pairs of shoes. He wanted one shoe from each of the 12 pairs. She obviously didn’t want to do that and thought it was petty. She offered to give him six pairs of shoes. But he insisted, and that’s where the divorce proceedings stood—she said it looked like he was going to get 12 shoes and so was she. They’d both end up with zero pairs of shoes.

When I first read that story, I laughed. It struck me as funny how cold that was. I immediately empathized with both parties. I understood why it might be frustrating in a relationship to express being uncomfortable with something, and the person keeps doing it. From her perspective, I understood how silly and petty it was to ruin 12 pairs of shoes just to “win,” whatever that means.

But when I thought about it some more, I felt sad for both people. I hate to hear when things get to that level of anger and hurt. I have no idea who was right or wrong in this situation. Maybe he had a justified resentment. But at the end of the day, I really wished that dude would be able to find some peace and serenity. That’s a miserable way to go through life.

It reminded me of something I cannot be in sobriety: bitter. That’s such a good word, isn’t it? When a food or drink is bitter, it isn’t just bad. It tastes terrible. It smells terrible. It taints everything in your life for a little while. And you don’t forget it—if you tried a food dish and it was disgustingly bitter, it never slips your mind.

Same with feeling bitter about stuff in life. I can get bitter quickly. Job promotions that went to other people… ex-girlfriends who dumped me and found somebody better… friends who screwed me over… anybody who says something I deem insulting. I can hang onto those irritations and turn them into bitterness.

When I think of all the moods and emotions that I feel in life, lots of them are problematic to my sobriety. But bitterness is something I can’t have much of, and I can’t have it for very long. Bitterness scares the s**t out of me, because I think it is a blinking red light that I could reach for some sort of mood-altering substance to calm it down.

I can be sad, and I can be mad, and I can be lazy, and a lot of other things… but bitter has to be off the menu. It really is an existential threat to my emotional sobriety, which makes it a threat to my sobriety overall. A good Fourth Step with a sponsor tends to get me out of bitterness, so I know there is a solution. But with situations where bitterness is possible, it usually means it’s a long-term, complicated relationship, so bitterness tends to rear its ugly head again in my life. I don’t find myself bitter at the guy who cuts me off on the road or steals my spot in line at the store. Mad? Maybe. But not bitter.

So I think for the foreseeable future I am going to pay special attention to anything that might be crossing over from mildly irritating to infuriating, which tends to turn into bitterness. Because I do not want to be breaking up with people and taking half of their shoes out of spite. That seems bad.

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

A DRUNK DIES. HE HAD $20,000 in savings. After his wife pays all the costs of burial, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost $6,500. Then, I spent $500 in a donation to the church and to pay the organist. I spent another $500 on the food and drinks for the wake. The rest of the money paid for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?"

The widow replies, "Three carats!"

(Credit: Grapevine, November 2004, Richard M. of Golden, Colorado)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

A huge part of what I call my higher power is the core belief that I trust the universe. Call it “what goes up must come down,” or “what goes around comes around,” or whatever you want—I believe that if you do good things and put out good energy, it will all work out.

Or something like that.

So my mother-in-law visited us recently, and it was maybe the best visit we’ve ever had with her. One big reason is that I really worked hard on not responding to any hot takes that she might have. She’ll throw out an opinion and ask what I think, and the correct answer is “Hmm, I don’t know.”

And. That. Should. Be It.

“Hmm, I don’t know.”

I don’t know why I can’t seem to always answer that way, and not respond to an invitation to argue. But I can’t, ok? It really has nothing to do with her, either—I will argue with anybody at any time for any reason for any length of time. I’ve gotten better, and tend to skip some of the fights I am invited to. But… there is still work to be done.

It’s so silly, too. And let me tell you, it does not matter who the other person is, they almost never change their mind if you argue with them anyway. It really is like yelling into the ocean. What? Is? The? Freaking? Point?

And yet… I get sucked in. On this visit, I was at 100 percent avoidance for the first four days. It was going great. No arguments about food, or religion, or politics, or anything else. Just a lot of head nodding and listening, with no response. I was actually just being present with her.

Then she mentioned how she doesn’t like to travel any more because of how difficult it is, especially flying. She mentioned a few anecdotal examples of people having their flights canceled, and a crash landing on a lake, and a couple of other things that never actually happen… but happened once 10 years ago and were mentioned on The Today Show at some point.

I couldn’t help it. I found my lips struggling to stay shut, and then they weren’t shut. I was talking, and I was saying something like, “Well, I travel once every two weeks, and I probably am on 100 flights per year, and I never have any issues. I love flying. I see a social media post once in a while about getting stranded at an airport or stuck on the runway for 8 hours and I just don’t see it. Flying is great!”

Holy s**t, what a moron. It didn’t even spark much of a back and forth between us. She just nodded and said, “I don’t know,” in a tone where she clearly did know and that she didn’t want to bicker about it.

But I will tell you what it did spark: enormous laughter from my higher power. Because as I type this, I am on the work trip from hell. I had four flights with American Airlines, and all four got cancelled. A replacement flight got delayed six times in four hours, and it took off at 12:35 am to a city I hadn’t planned on going to. I went home and rebooked travel for the next day, then I got a terrible seat by a screaming baby and a lady who was losing it about the poor screaming baby 10 rows back. As I hustled to get out of that shitshow when the plane landed, I realized my AirPods were still on the airplane somewhere. Where? No idea. I searched all around on the floor and couldn’t find them. They’re supposedly still somewhere within the Detroit Airport but there’s a good chance I just donated them at the altar of my higher power.

I’m telling you this story because it really is a hilarious window into what the kids say these days: Don’t start none, won’t be none. In other words, if you stay out of unnecessary fights, maybe you won’t find yourself in any unnecessary fights. And if you do decide to engage in an unnecessary scuffle, just know that your higher power and American Airlines will be watching.

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

AN OLD NEWS REPORT CARRIED AN ACCOUNT OF A DRUNK who nearly killed himself in an auto crash. A few days later, his doctor told him he was lucky to be alive. "I guess someone up there likes me," said the alcoholic.

"Either that," said the physician, "or they sure as heck don't want you!"

(Credit: AA Grapevine, August 2004, by Anonymous)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I was at a meeting recently where somebody shared about the value of being “crewed.” In that context, he meant having a crew of sober people around you if you want to build a strong, lasting sobriety.

I totally agree with that. But I’ve tried probably 10 different combinations of putting together a crew, and I am only now beginning to figure out the best kind of crew that works for me. As always, the optimal way to do sobriety is subjective and different for everybody. But I do think some of my tips probably apply to lots of us.

Let’s start with defining what a crew is. A crew isn’t a long list of phone numbers. It’s not people you see at meetings sometimes and that’s it. My definition of a crew is that it is more than 3 people and less than 15 that know you. They see you at meetings. They give you a ride sometimes. You give them a ride sometimes. When they speak at meetings, you show up and you bring a friend. You know their number and you use it. Maybe you even hang out together outside of meetings. These are people who will call you out if they don’t see you for awhile, or they will see you and spot some bad behaviors and call you out on them.

A few tips about assembling a crew:

—Make sure it is not all the same person. If you are a 35-year-old dude with 2 years sober, I don’t think you want all 35-year-old dudes with 2 years sober. My best networks of close sober friends have always been some newcomers, some people with a year or two, some people with 5-10 years, and some people with double digits. My best crews always have nice balance.

—I don’t think the old adage of men with men and women with women completely applies to a sober crew… but it should probably be mostly true. Some of my best sober friends are women. But I still think I am better off with a tight-knit crew of mostly men, for the same reasons that old adage ever was invented. I think my crew right now is rolling about 10 deep, and I would say it’s about 70-30 men-women.

—Make sure the crew is flexible. I’d always be on the look out for adding or subtracting members from your crew. I haven’t ever purposely ditched somebody from my crew. But I’ve moved, or they’ve moved. I’ve changed meetings and had people fade a bit as members of my crew. I have transitioned to mostly evening meetings these days after doing mostly morning meetings for awhile, so I didn’t have any breakups with my morning buddies. I still love them and talk to them. But it’s infrequent, and because we go to different meetings, they don’t really know about my consistency and I don’t know about theirs.

—Sponsees as crew members? Sort of? I’ve gone back and forth on this. I definitely consider my sponsor to be an essential member of my crew. But I don’t think that necessarily has to be the case. I know some people who have very teacher-student kind of relationships with their sponsor, or even coach-player. That usually doesn’t translate to my definition of a crew. And as far as sponsees in the crew, I think that can definitely work. I don’t think I would ever want to have a crew that is six people, all of whom are sponsees. I’m not sure I’d be getting the right nutritional value from that kind of dynamic.

—Your crew doesn’t have to be every crew member’s crew. By that, I mean that if I have a crew of Biff, Boof, Mike, Michelle, Ted, Hank and Fred, that doesn’t mean that Biff’s crew is exactly that same group of people. There’s probably quite a bit of overlap within crews. But I do think people would probably benefit from not having the same exact team of 10 people without any outside voices.

So those are my thoughts on getting crewed up. I’d love to hear yours, too. So please comment on this post!

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

HEARD AT MEETINGS: “As a kid, they called me ‘Half Pint.’ As an adult, they called me ‘Full Quart.’”

(Credit: AA Grapevine, October 2002, Richard L. from New Westminster, British Columbia)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

One of the things that kept me drinking and drugging for awhile is that I would evaluate myself with no outside input, and I would evaluate my drinking and drugging by thinking about how much I did it and what happened when I did. What I should have been thinking about is when I didn’t drink and drug.

What I mean by that is, I would have an internal assessment that went something like this: Well, I’m not addicted to anything. I drank some on Monday and Thursday. I did a bunch of painkillers on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I took all those muscle relaxers on Tuesday. And I took Wednesday off because I was so hung over. I can’t be an addict if I am not physically having any kind of withdrawals AND I took a day off, right?

Where do I start with the problem areas of that self-assessment?

First of all, “I drank some” is a common refrain I’ve used. “Some” was usually way more than I remembered, and I routinely can recall opening the fridge and wondering what happened to all my beer. I usually would suspect someone of stealing it, but the truth is, nobody broke in and stole 20 cans of beer but left the TV and computer and everything else. I would often think back to the night before and feel like I drank 4 or 5 beers, and the truth was, I drank 12-15 beers. The person who stole the beers was me.

Secondly, look at that schedule. Rotating between substances every other day? Applauding yourself for taking one day off… but the only reason you took that day off was because you were so wrecked you couldn’t get out of bed? Not good.

Thirdly, I remember doing that sort of evaluation and giving myself enormous credit for things like not driving while intoxicated, and that I did most of my substance abuse away from everybody else so nobody was really affected, and that I hadn’t been fired from work, that I hadn’t been arrested. These are all pretty low standards to hold yourself to, don’t you think?

But the real reason I wrote this today is because of a tweet I saw from a recovering alcoholic who had had a medical procedure and was struggling with pain medication. I should say up front that I have no opinion on whether other people should or shouldn’t use pain medication after a medical procedure. I know I probably should avoid at all costs but that’s as far as my opinions go on the topic.

So she tweeted that she would have a lot of pain, take one painkiller and immediately want to swallow every pill. She said she couldn’t stop thinking about it and wanted to know what to do.

What that reminded me of was the value of assessing your drug and alcohol use by how you think and behave when you’re not drinking and drugging. I used to get sucked into thinking that I know many, many people who drank too much and puked and then felt hung over the next day, just like I did. They were normal drinkers, so I must be, too?

But the difference between normal drinkers and people like me are the days when they don’t drink. If you forget that you didn’t drink or drug at all over the weekend, then that’s probably good news and you’re a normal drinker. If you spent the entire week waiting for the weekend so you could go crazy, and your whole body and mind is obsessed counting down the minutes… that’s NOT good news.

So that tweet reminded me of how blatant my addiction issues are when I am white knuckling, counting down the minutes till I can do something I want to do, when I am plotting and planning and salivating… those are the times when it is so obvious that I have a problem. Yes, it helps to figure out how much you drink and how often you do it. But man, if I ever counted the number of obsessive thoughts about the second I could pick up something and escape, it would be ridiculous. So glad I don’t have to live like that any more.

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

How many AAs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to make the coffee, one to chair, and one to guide it through the Steps so it can learn to change itself.

(Credit: AA Grapevine, September 2002, John S.)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I was at a men’s meeting the other day and a guy was pondering why he ended up naked at so many parties back when he was drinking. At first I laughed at the preposterousness of that thought. I chuckled for a bit but then I had to sit back and wonder myself: Why did somebody always yell “Let’s go streaking!” and then I’d do it? The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had done it many times before. And as I looked around the room, I noticed a lot of heads nodding and realized, “Holy s**t, there’s something about dudes getting really drunk that leads to excessive nudity for no reason.”

There’s something about that scenario that rings true, right? And it’s mostly men from my experiences. I guess I’ve been at some parties where a drunk woman is dared to flash the crowd and does it. But at a higher percentage of drunken gatherings than you’d expect, I remember dudes just deciding it’d be hilarious to strip down to undies—or less—and then run around.

I remember finding it hilarious, and I don’t remember why. I guess maybe the sheer outrageousness of a dude (or five) stripping down is a pretty universal thing? I mean, we’ve all seen Frank The Tank in Old School. I still remember watching that movie at age 26, after most of my more wild hijinks, and thinking, “Oh s**t, does everybody everywhere think it’s the funniest thing ever to run naked when you get drunk?”

I didn’t get too far into deep analysis of it before settling on why I think I did that back in the day… I think I was out of control and liked the out-of-controlness of doing the most absolute batshit things within a group of people, and suddenly being naked was certainly on that list. Same with throwing things, jumping off stuff, jumping into stuff, jumping over stuff, stealing stuff… I could go on and on.

Now fast forward to today. I was sitting in that meeting, listening to the guy discuss how booze always led him to being loaded and naked at parties back in the day. He said he was glad he doesn’t have to live that way any more, and I couldn’t help but look around the room and feel grateful that that collection of dudes is sober… and fully clothed. I can only imagine at sober retreats or youth recovery conventions if people had quit drinking but still decided to run naked once in a while.

“God, grant us the serenity to… hey Ted, put some freaking pants on, a*****e!”

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

One veteran alcoholic says the trouble with "Two-Stepping" is that you usually combine the wrong parts of the First and Twelfth Steps, i.e., "My life is unmanageable, and I'd like to share it with you."

(Credit: AA Grapevine, July 2004, by Anonymous)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

Fair warning: This edition of my sober newsletter is a bit R-rated. Maybe even NC-17. Proceed with caution.

I went to a meeting recently where we read from the book Living Sober, which is an underrated piece of sober literature. It definitely skews a little toward being a beginner’s handbook to grinding out another day sober. But I still get a lot out of reading it.

And I was getting a lot out of it the other day when we were reading the chapter called “Eliminating Self-Pity.” Self-pity is a tough thing to wrestle with in sobriety. I find it to be quite intoxicating. It feels good sometimes to sit back and think about all the ways the world is screwing you, you’re not being paid enough, you’re having terrible luck with traffic, your car has a rattle, you don’t have enough money, and on and on. I have a few specific verbal cues that I hear in my head or sometimes say out loud.

“Oh, that figures,” is one.

“Damn, just my luck,” is another.

The chapter in Living Sober does a good job of laying out all the ways we get sucked into self-pity, and how it can be like a warm bath that you don’t want to get out of.

And then we got to Page 56. A paragraph begins like this: “Another excellent weapon is humor. Some of the biggest belly laughs at AA meetings erupt when a member describes his or her latest orgy of self-pity…”

Whoa. An orgy of self-pity? What the hell kind of meetings are you people going to?

I thought maybe I was just a perv for immediately giggling about that word. But I looked it up, and the first dictionary definition says “wild or drunken festivity or revelry, especially involving sex with multiple participants.” So I might be a perv… but the first definition of that word definitely involves some sexual hijinks.

However… I don’t think my 12-step recovery ancestors meant it that way. So the second definition is probably more appropriate: “any actions or proceedings marked by unbridled indulgences of passions.”

That’s more like it. Think about that phrase as it relates to the last time you were feeling a little bit of oh-poor-me-itis—“unbridled indulgences of passions.” In this case, passions probably means anger, resentment, frustration, slumped shoulders and self-centeredness. So much self-centeredness.

I used to be confused by that last concept of self-pity being selfish. How can being grumpy about a bad day or a bad week be selfish? I’m just venting, right? But it actually is selfish most of the time. When I am thinking that the world is screwing me over, it usually means I have placed myself in the center of the universe and am aggravated that I am being saddled with all this bad luck. When I remember that I am just another bozo on the bus, and when I am right-sized—not too big, not too small—I never get sucked into self-pity.

But when I do climb into that self-pity pond… woo boy, it is a bit of an orgy. It is a series of unbridled indulgences of passions, and none of it is very fun. It’s just a bunch of whining and pissing and moaning, with no real intent to make meaningful change. I just lay in that self-pity pot and stew.

So I will be thinking about that specific phrase—orgy of self-pity—for awhile and I promise, I will be thinking about it in the most spiritual way possible.

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE, WITH A TWIST

A sponsor and sponsee were enjoying a wonderful cruise when their ship got caught in a devastating storm and went under. Washed up on a desert island, they were the only two to survive. They decided to take it a day at a time and had just started scouting for food, when they came upon a mysterious lamp. They brushed it off and poof! out popped a genie.

"I will grant you each one wish," said the genie.

The sponsor, being a good AA, told his sponsee to go first, but the sponsee humbly declined. So the sponsor closed his eyes and exclaimed: "I wish I were back at our home group." And poof! he was gone.

The sponsee was amazed! The genie commanded, "Now, your wish!" The sponsee started pacing. "I don't know what to wish for. Long-term sobriety? A relationship with that cute newcomer? Man, I wish my sponsor were here…"

(Credit: AA Grapevine, May 2004, by Jason D. of Kirkuk)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I was at a meeting in Los Angeles awhile ago, and a woman shared about her experience with finding a higher power. She was like so many of us—not-so-great experiences with religion as a younger person, no belief in any kind of God through adulthood, and no real interest in finding one once she got sober. I found myself nodding along as she spoke.

She said she got a sponsor and stayed sober for awhile. She loved meetings. Loved her sponsor. Loved the principles of recovery. Loved what recovery was doing for her and her life.

But… she still didn’t love the whole God thing. By then, she had gotten close with her sponsor and decided to use the group as a higher power. But she said the longer she stayed sober, the more she grew to admire her sponsor’s relationship with a higher power.

Her sponsor described her higher power as a hybrid nature/universe God. The universe was certainly something bigger than her, and nature was where she saw beauty and serenity and peace and truth and mystery and lots of other things she was looking for.

The speaker at that LA meeting then said something that makes me smile to this day. She said that her sponsor eventually told her, “Why not use my higher power for a little while?”

She responded, “What do you mean? Like, rent your higher power?”

And her sponsor said, “Something like that. It’ll be like a sublet. You and me living with my higher power.”

As she was telling that story, she started to laugh and she said, “Guess what? It worked! It freaking worked!”

What ended up happening is, she believed that her sponsor believed, even though she didn’t believe herself. But eventually she came to believe that she could believe, that she had the capacity to believe, and she found her own higher power. So she moved out. No more sublet!

It was a good reminder that finding a higher power doesn’t HAVE to be a painful slog. It can be a fun adventure finding a higher power that suits your needs. I’m not even sure how much it matters to figure out an exact higher power that will work for you forever. For me, it’s more about seeking a higher power forever and seeing what happens. I remember a guy from New York City who told me once he tried a different higher power every day for awhile. I’m not sure that meant 365 Gods in 365 days. But he tried Buddhism, Christianity and a few other religions. Then he tried nature, and the group, and a bunch of other things, and eventually he found something.

I’ve seen too many people who hit a wall because of the God thing, and it really doesn’t have to be a barrier. I just try to remember to keep searching, and worse case scenario, you can always rent one from someone else!

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

THROUGH THE EYES OF A BEGINNER

A newcomer at a meeting I attended recently was reading the Traditions aloud. Finally, he got to Tradition Twelve and said, "Animosity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions."

(Credit: AA Grapevine, April 2004, by Ron W. of Schwenskville, Pa.)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I’ve read probably 25 different recovery books. Some are official literature as part of 12-step programs. Others, like Drop the Rock, are unofficial pieces of sobriety literature—written by alcoholics and addicts, about 12-step recovery but not considered official books of any recovery program.

I’ve recently been attending a meeting where we read from a book that I have read from many times before, but it dawned on me that it might be my new favorite book. And that book is… As Bill Sees It.

If you haven’t read it before, it’s selected readings pulled from all sorts of recovery books, ranging from the Big Book to the 12-and-12, and even from the Grapevine, which is a monthly print publication like a magazine.

I fell in love all over again with the book the past few weeks. I like how you can pick out an important word, like humility or shame or resentment, and find many passages from sober literature that deal with that topic. That makes it a good day-to-day guide as you try to wrestle with this thing we call life. Or, you could flip through to a random page and probably find something that helps you out.

But the biggest reason I am so into that book lately is that I find the readings to be pulled from many of the best passages of sober literature. If this were a music album, it would be the greatest hits collection, which means every single reading is an absolute banger, as the kids say.

It reminds me of football highlight videos that coaches and players put together. You never see a quarterback’s highlight reel that has interceptions or fumbles or yelling at a coach on it. It’s all touchdowns, avoiding getting hit, impressive passes and celebrations.

That’s kind of what I have been enjoying about As Bill Sees It. There are definitely chunks of sober literature that I tune out from during meetings. One prime example is “To Wives” in the Big Book. I am not a fan. In my opinion, it’s a pretty dusty old reading, written mostly by men 80 years ago, where alcoholism is discussed in a very 1940s way, with men being alcoholics and wives having to contend with them. I’ve heard people say they’re offended by that chapter. I wouldn’t say I am offended, but I just don’t find it helpful to my recovery and I also cringe a bit at meetings for all of the women sitting there trying to get sober and having to listen to it.

Luckily for As Bill Sees It, there are no passages from some of the weaker areas from recovery literature. It’s nothing but the hits, and who doesn’t like the hits?

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

HERE'S HOW A FEW PROFESSIONAL DRUNKS drank, before they got sober:

The computer whiz got pixil-ated.

The paratrooper took one drop too many.

The short-order cook got fried.

The aquarium owner got tanked.

The laundromat attendant was three sheets to the wind.

The gun dealer got loaded.

(Credit: AA Grapevine, January 2004, by Bob M. of Rochester, Minnesota)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I’ve been reading Steps 8 and 9 quite a bit at meetings recently, and it’s reminded me of a time I heard a wise old sober guy once discuss his experience with the amends process. And more specifically, I remember the way that he tore down the golden rule of do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

His point was that in the amends process, you want to make things right for the other person, and you want to meet them where they’re at in order to do that. He described himself as someone who likes to take things head on, to have face-to-face conversations to resolve conflict efficiently and directly. So he said when he considered how he would have liked amends to have been done with him, he would have wanted to sit down and speak one-on-one with the person.

But he said he had some people who declined his amends invitations. He had some others who he asked to meet up to make amends, and they said they didn’t want to talk about them, but that they accepted the general amends process and wanted to move on. So in those situations, the golden rule would have you believe that this guy’s principle about face-to-face resolution should be imposed upon others, and he was saying that that was b******t.

That really made me think about the entire premise of “do unto others.” I have said it many times. I’ve probably taught it to my kids. And in my experience, I’ve only ever heard that philosophy mentioned from a place of love. When I’ve said it, I said it with good intentions. And most of the time, it’s used in very universal situations such as… I don’t want to be punched in the face; therefore, I try not to punch other people in the face. I don’t want other drivers to go 100 MPH on the road; therefore, I don’t go 100 MPH. I don’t want you to steal my car; therefore, I don’t steal cars.

But there are grey areas, and for that reason, I really am going to make an effort to be more open to the idea of meeting people where they are, whether I’m making an amends or I’m just in an everyday situation where I need to be respectful of how someone else thinks.

I’ll give you a good example within my own life. I’m not nearly as rash and impulsive as I used to be. But I still like to hear the three cellphone service options, sit with them for a few minutes, then pick one. I’m not someone who spends hours calling other companies and trying to match offers and all that. I like to make a decision and let it go.

My wife, on the other hand, is very deliberative. She doesn’t mind sitting with things for a few hours, a few days, sometimes a few weeks. So when it comes to decision-making, I wouldn’t want either one of us to decide “Do unto others” and dog the other one to decide things exactly the same way.

That’s just a minor example of a bigger concept, which is that the better phrase—in my humble opinion—should be something like “do unto others as they would prefer it be done unto them.” In other words, go overboard on trying to absorb how that person likes to be treated and try to meet them closer to that, versus how you would like to see it happen. Because when you boil down the golden rule, it’s kind of selfish—it’s basically saying you do things the right way and the world should be following your example.

Boy, now that I actually write that out, I’m wondering if maybe I need to reread this whole thing every day and try to get better at it! I think I understand it quite well… but maybe the application could use some more work.

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

A newcomer is struggling to get the ketchup out of the jar when the telephone rings. “Would you get that, Jenny?” she asks her 4-year-old.

The child eagerly obeys. “It’s your sponsor,” she informs her mom. Then she goes back to the phone.

“Mommy can’t talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

(Credit: AA Grapevine, April 2003, Richard M. from Golden, Colorado)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I run pretty much every day, and I run at pretty much the same pace—about 11 minutes per mile. And I usually run between 1-2 miles a day. I never really get much faster or slower than that. And I do it almost every day. So I know my lungs pretty well.

Well, that was in Connecticut. I traveled to Denver this week and jumped on the treadmill going at an 11-minute mile pace. Whoo boy, that didn’t last long. I forgot that Connecticut is about 200 feet above sea level, and Denver is right around 5,280 feet above sea level—literally a mile up in the sky.

I felt the difference. But here’s the thing: It took a little while to hit me, and it kind of snuck up on me. I didn’t immediately feel like I was running with a bag of bricks on my back, and I wasn’t huffing and puffing after 30 seconds. It was more like I ran at my normal pace, and when I looked at the clock to see how long I had been running, I expected it to say 5 or 6 minutes… and it said 2 minutes. That’s when I remembered the altitude.

I’m writing about that here because I just had my toughest month of sobriety, with some sad stuff and some bad stuff all crashing down on me and my family. But I didn’t even hesitate, I went to more meetings and made phone calls because I know my sobriety can be in jeopardy in a hurry. If I had to guess, I probably got to 27 meetings in the 30 days of June. I wanted to be on the safe side and make sure my gas tank was built up.

As I was running and feeling heavier and heavier without really realizing it right away, it reminded me that now that I am through June and some difficult things are more in the rearview mirror—sort of—I gotta keep my foot on the pedal. Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that the true danger zones for my addiction to sneak up are NOT usually really scary or sad moments. They’re when I am really busy at work, or I go on vacation with my family and I have to look up meetings to find one, or we’re moving over the course of a few days. It’s those moments when I am feeling good, a little busier, a little relaxed and resting on my laurels, that I can really get screwy.

To make the exact connection to that Denver run, it’s the idea that I think I am cruising along at the same pace but the truth is, life is just a tad heavier than I realize and it’s bogging me down.

So for that run, I decided to try to get to a mile, and it took me more like 13 minutes than 11, and the entire time, I kept thinking about how sometimes the answer is that when I am too busy to get to a meeting… I need to get to two meetings. And I usually can. The “too busy” thing, in my experience, is a bunch of b******t. I’ve never had a time when the truth of the situation was that I couldn’t possibly find a meeting online or in person.

As I wrote this, I started cycling through people that I know who have relapsed, and what they said when they came back. And I gotta say, almost 100 percent of them said some version of “I slowed down or stopped going to meetings, and boom, suddenly my disease snuck up on me.” I can’t recall too many people saying, “I was going to lots of meetings but I had a bad day at work, and my disease walked up to me and punched me in the face and I found myself drunk.”

So the lesson is, be alert when you think you don’t need to be alert. And also, don’t run in Denver.

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

Back in the old wild west, a man was riding from Monterey to Salinas when he encountered a drunk lying in the road. The guy had an empty whiskey bottle beside him and his ear to the ground.

“What is it?” asked the traveler.

“Fifteen wagons, sixty horses, seventeen women, twenty-four men, five dogs, and a donkey,” replied the drunk.

“That’s incredible!” exclaimed the rancher. “You know all that just by listening to the ground?”

“No,” replied the drunk. “They ran over me about an hour ago.”

(Credit: AA Grapevine, November 2002, Ron L. from El Cajon, California)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe