Raccoons are like cats, but they're not cute. They're like, "I'm a trash cat, deal with it."

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***

TRANSCRIPT

Racoons are everywhere.
They're in the city, they're in the suburbs. They are in your backyard. And no one sees 'em.
I mean, if a bear walked through your neighborhood, you'd see the bear, right?
Not a raccoon! Raccoons are like the North American mermaid.
They're out there! But no one sees 'em. No one knows what they do.
Guys are like, "I saw a raccoon wash a car once."
You have to start with that story.
I think my favorite thing about raccoons though is the trash. The trash is the best part because no one ever sees the trash when the raccoon takes the trash.
But then the raccoon can't eat the trash, 'cause, you know, it's trash. So the raccoon has to put the trash all over your house.
That's why when you come home and your trash is out on the patio, it's never been touched. It's never been touched!
I don't know what happened here. I don't know who's responsible. I think a raccoon got in a fight with the wind.
'Cause this is not trash. This is a trash bag that tried to become a sail.
And that's when I woke up at 3:00 am, and was like, "Did raccoon took my trash? A racoon took my trash!"
But not only did a raccoon take my trash, he brought it back. He was like, "I didn't like the taste of that. I'm gonna put it back where I found it. But all over the fucking patio."
Raccoons are like cats, but they're not cute. They're like, "I'm a trash cat, deal with it."
I've heard in the suburbs, they're raising raccoons like they're pigs.But they're not pigs. They're raccoons, they're raised in a cage, they're fed, they're slaughtered, they're eaten.
Is this wrong? I don't know. I'm not paleo. I'm vegan.

They look like they're hosting the hidden camera show called "Dirty Socks."

***
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***

TRANSCRIPT

Can anyone explain why dad socks smell so bad?
They smell like a bunch of old dudes just took a 10-mile hike.
But it's not just the smell. It's the look of them! They're always so dirty and saggy, like they fell into a wet cement mixer.
They look like they're hosting the hidden camera show called "Dirty Socks."
"You won't believe what these socks are doing today."
But it's not just the dirty socks. It's the dirty clothes in general. How do they get so dirty?
My husband, he hangs his shirts, he folds his sweaters, he puts his pants in a drawer.
Then he goes to the store, and he comes back, and I'm like, "Your clothes are a mess! What were you doing!? Were you rolling around in the dirt with a pig? Why are your clothes so dirty? "
He's like, "I went to the store."
Doesn't the store have a washroom? That's what they need.
I don't understand how the good people of Walmart don't organize some sort of laundry service.I would go broke! If I owned a Walmart, I would have a fleet of buses out front.
"Kids! Hop on! We'll take you to the store and we'll wash your clothes!"
My parents, they washed their clothes in the sink. The whole family would gather around. My mom washed her clothes in the sink. Then she hangs them up to dry. The sun magically comes out, and then they're dry.
And they're like, "The sun did it. The sun magically made them dry." What?
If I were outside, and I had a bunch of wet clothes, I could just hold them up, the sun would come out,and I could be like, 'See? I'm a genius.'
I don't know. I'm sure you guys understand my frustration. I mean, who washes their clothes in the sink, hangs them up to dry, and thinks it's magic?

"What is this, the soft-on-crime cooking channel? You're gonna show me how to make it and then feed it to people? But not kill it?"

***
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***

TRANSCRIPT

You know what the world didn't see coming? Six million cooking shows on Netflix. I swear to God.
I'm watching a cooking show and the guy is like, "And now, I'm going to show you how to make chicken."
And then the camera pans to a house full of fans going, "Yes! I love chicken! Yes! Chicken!"
"I'm going to make you a chicken!""You're going to make me a chicken! Make us a chicken!"
But you know what they don't do? They don't show you how to kill the chicken... They don't show you how to kill the chicken! They don't show you that part.
They just show you how to stuff it and roast it and make it into a meal.
And I'm watching this, like, "Why? Why is this not on here? Why do you not want to show me how to kill this chicken?"
"What is this, the soft-on-crime cooking channel? You're gonna show me how to make it and then feed it to people? But not kill it?"
And what happens to the rest of the chicken? The part that's not the breast? Do you take it out back and throw it over the fence? I wanna make the rest of this chicken!
So anyway, I was watching this show and I got hungry. And I was like, "I want to eat some chicken."
And then I was like, "I should ask my wife to make me some chicken." Because I don't know how to make chicken.
And you know what she says? She says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was a requirement of my marriage."
So I act sweet. I say, "I thought I was marrying the most beautiful, intelligent woman in the world."
She's like, "Thank you. Now don't bother me. I'm gonna go watch sports and drink beer."
My wife is amazing.

Sometimes I wake her up in the morning with the crunch. The crunch of the bag--noisy bag crunch. She wakes up with a start!
***
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TRANSCRIPT
Ladies, man. You know what they love? Eating chips at midnight. Right? That's what they love. Right?
I've learned something since I've been married, right?
I used to eat chips any time I wanted, anytime, any place, right? Now I can't do it! 'cause my wife, she's gonna be pissed.
She's gonna be like, "Why are you eating chips? "
"I'm eating chips because I want to eat chips."
"You know why you're eating chips? 'Cause you're addicted to salt. Stop eating the salt. Salt is what's causing you to retain water. You look like a wet T-shirt contest winner from a small town."
So I can't eat chips in front of my wife. But I can do whatever the hell I want behind her back.
So that's what I do. I wait until she goes to bed. I open up the bag, I do my business. I eat the chips. I put the bag back.
Sometimes I wake her up in the morning with the crunch. The crunch of the bag--noisy bag crunch. She wakes up with a start!
"What was that!"
"It was just the bag of chips."
"What are you doing?! Are you eating chips?!"
"I'm just having some garden-variety midnight snacks."
"Don't you know that's unhealthy!?"
"I don't even know what's in it."
I don't know what's in it, 'cause I can't read the ingredients. The label's too small. They shrunk the label! It's like the "Da Vinci Code."
I'm eating this--I can't read this! Is there poison in these chips? Is it a conspiracy!? Am I gonna die?
I don't know. I still eat it. I love chips... I love snacks.

"The coroner was like, "But I don't know that's what happened. The police were like, 'All we know is that the fan was on!'"

***

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***

TRANSCRIPT

Have you ever heard of fan death?
This is a real thing...A real thing.
Fan death...is when you're asleep in your room, and you don't feel like turning down the fan...
So, you leave the fan on. The fan blows, you fall asleep...You die!
So, in Korea, they believe that the fan is a serial killer.
They never leave the fan on at night...
So, if you go to Korea, you're in your hotel room, you're like, "It's so hot. I'm gonna leave the fan on."
...Don't!
You're gonna wake up in a body bag... I'm telling you!
I had to do some research on this... There was an actual case.
A man and a woman were sharing a room... Both of them were sleeping.
The fan was on... They died! Now it turns out, the man had a heart condition. And the woman was a smoker.
The police concluded that the fan cooled her off, and the smoke went into her lungs, and it went into her bloodstream, and it stopped her heart... This is what happened!
Fan death is real. And they know it's real, 'cause they found the bodies, and they put the bodies in the morgue. And lo and behold, the woman's heart was no longer beating. The man's heart was no longer beating.
And the police were like, "I don't know what happened, but I do know that the fan was on!"
And the coroner was like, "But the the lady was a smoker."
And the police were like, "So, I think that the smoke went into her lungs, and it went into her blood, and it stopped her heart. It was the fan!"
And the coroner was like, "...and the man was a diabetic, and his blood was thin."
And the police were like, "Yes! The the fan cooled him off! And all the blood rushed to his heart, and it stopped his heart! So I think it's a double homicide that happened here! A fan homicide!"
And the coroner was like, "But I don't know that's what happened."
The police were like, "All we know is that the fan was on!"
And he wrote it down in the report. And it was in the paper like that. Like, a respectable piece of journalistic work. He just wrote that. A double homicide happened here. With the fan was on.
He's a smart guy. A smart guy.

"What kind of person would have television insurance? I think it's a man that's very careful. He's a man that likes to think ahead."

***

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***

TRANSCRIPT

You know the other day, I got an add for television insurance.Television insurance!
Now, I don't have television insurance, and I don't know anyone who has television insurance.So, what kind of person would have television insurance?
You know, I think it's a man that's very careful.He's a man that likes to think ahead.
He's thinking, "You know, I've got all these televisions, and I don't want to get caught without television insurance."Television insurance!
You know what I think he's looking for is a big, big lawsuit.Is that what he's looking for?
'Cause that's what this country is all about, isn't it?.Big, big lawsuits.Like, you know, the McDonald's suit.
You know, that's a big lawsuit.That's a suit that's gonna go on for a long time, a lot of legal wrangling, a lot of finger-pointing, lawyers making a lot of money.
And all for what? A spilled cup of coffee?A spilled cup of coffee.I bet that woman had television insurance.
You know, some people would just say, "Hey, I'm sorry about that. I'll buy another cup of coffee."
But some people, they're very litigious, and they want to sue.They want to sue.They want to sue.
And you know what? They deserve to win.It's like: "Hey, you know, you're spilling stuff all the time."
"Why don't you have a warning label on the cup? Something? "
"You don't have a warning label, or a railing on the top."
Maybe a little bell that rings when I'm coming around the corner?"
"You don't have that either, huh?"
"Well, you know, maybe I'm not gonna buy your goddamn coffee, then.If I'm gonna spill it, I'm gonna spill it, but I'm not gonna buy it."
Some people, they want to sue.And you know what? I think they should.I think people should sue.I think people should sue.
I think that's fair, you know? I think that's fair.And I think the lawyers should give a little bit of the money to the government.Just a little bit.Just a little bit.
You know, just to keep 'em honest.So they're working on both sides, you know?.So they're not just working for one side.They're working for the government, and they're working for the people.And it keeps 'em honest.It keeps 'em honest.
So, it's like, you know, you sue McDonald's, you get money.You give some of the money to the lawyer, and he gives some of the money to the government.It's the way it works.

"I don't know if you've ever seen a moustache that comes down to the chest, but it's not flattering."

***

LOLLM is 100% AI Written & Performed Standup

Humans are only involved to remove Inappropriate & nonsensical text. Content is never human-revised or improved.

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***

TRANSCRIPT

My dad, he used to mow the lawn at 6am on Saturday.
And I remember, one time, I was like, "Dad, there's no sun up there."
"Just go back to bed. I'll do it."
This is my dad.
He's got, like, a shoulder-length mullet.And he's got, like, a thatch of hair on the back of his head. And then, he's got this long beard. And then, every June, July, August, he grows a mustache.
Now, I don't know if you've ever seen a moustache that comes down to the chest, but it's not flattering.
It's not.
It's like looking at a rug with teeth.
I love my dad, and I'm so lucky to have him.But someone needs to talk to his barber.
He's had this haircut since the Kennedy administration.
He quit college to join the Navy, and then he quit the Navy to have kids.Now that's a career path.
He was a war hero.He was a war hero, and I never saw it.I never saw it, because he was always my dad.
But as I got older, I saw what he did.
He was a radioman on the USS Intrepid.
In the middle of an attack, he risked his life to patch through a call that saved hundreds of people.
And I didn't know any of this, because he never talked about it.But I learned all this when I did this show at the Kennedy Center, and they asked me if I wanted to meet any of the honorees.
I said, "Absolutely!"
So they took me backstage, and I met all of the honorees.
And the last guy I met was my dad.
And I was like, "Dad, this is so cool!"
And he was like, "Yeah, it is."
And then I was like, "I'm so happy you're here."And he was like, "Yeah, me too."

"When did it become a thing where superheroes don't go to the bathroom?"

***

LOLLM is 100% AI Written & Performed Standup

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www.edwardbenson.com/lollm

***

TRANSCRIPT

You ever notice James Bond never once went to the bathroom?
Never once went to the bathroom?
That's because he's a fucking spy.
He doesn't have time to go to the bathroom.
I'm not saying James Bond is a bad role model,but he could have at least showed you how to take a dump.
No.
I don't mean to pick on James Bond, that's just an example.
All these fucking characters in the movies, they go on adventures, they have lives, they don't take a shit.
And they're doing all these things.
They're eating, and they're running,
They're jumping off bridges, and they're doing cartwheels,and they're fighting.
And they never go to the bathroom.
Not once.
And this is what we expect of our superheroes.
And our superheroes are living up to it.
Let me tell you something,
You're never gonna see Tony Stark shit.Because Tony Stark never shits.
Tony Stark is a fucking genius.
Tony Stark invented a fucking suit, Tony Stark invented a car,and Tony Stark never shits.
Now I'm not saying Tony Stark is bad role model, because he's not, he's a genius.
But he's terrible role model.
Because real people have to go to the bathroom.
He can hold it.
I'm a comedian, I can't.
I gotta go.
When did it become a thing where superheroes don't go to the bathroom?
Do we do this in any other relationship?
The other night I was at a Knicks game.
I was by myself.
I was like, "I'm here for a game. It's about to start. And I gotta go."
I'm like, "Hold it. I'm a tough guy. I can do this."
I sat there for an hour.
I was like, "I'm gonna explode."
And so I went to the bathroom.
I'm just not a superhero.

"That's not Swiss Cheese. That's a sandwich with holes in it."

***

LOLLM is 100% AI Written & Performed Standup

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***

TRANSCRIPT

I love American Cheese.I don't care what anyone else says about it.
It's not processed, it's a natural by-product of milk.It's not even a cheese, it's a by-product.
It's like if you had a cup of banana peels and I was like "What are you doing with the banana peels?"
"It's not banana peels. It's banana bread."
And I'm like, "That's not bananas or bread."
And you're like, "I didn't say it was. It's banana bread. It's a by-product."
But you're right.If I were to sell it, I wouldn't say it was a by-product either.
People like Swiss cheese.
The only thing people hate on Swiss Cheese is the holes, right?The holes in Swiss Cheese.
The holes are the only thing that anyone has ever said,"I don't like the holes."
Does Swiss bread have holes in it?
You know what I mean?
Holes in the bread to match the cheese?They just cut the holes out of the bread, right?
And they're like, "This is our Swiss Cheese. This is our Swiss bread."
You're like, "That's not Swiss Cheese. That's a sandwich with holes in it."

"It's like mayonaise that lost its confidence."

***

LOLLM is 100% AI Written & Performed Standup

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www.edwardbenson.com/lollm

***

TRANSCRIPT

Mayonaise, it turns out, doesn't have an expiration date.

It actually lasts forever.

After being in the fridge for 20 years, my mom took some out and put it on a sandwich.

And it was as good as the day it went in.

My mom likes mayonaise.

She likes mayonaise so much, she would put it on vegetables.

I didn't know vegetables could have mayonaise!

I thought that was an affront!

Like, how dare you put mayonaise on a perfectly good vegetable that's been sitting on the counter for three weeks?

... But she did...

She'd put it on cauliflower, broccoli, Brussels sprouts.

My mom loves mayonaise.

The only thing she loves more than mayonaise... is Miracle Whip.

If you haven't had the pleasure of trying out Miracle Whip, it's mayonaise's cousin that is significantly worse.

It's like someone took mayonaise, was like, "I can make something worse."

... And they did...

It's like mayonaise that lost its confidence.

It's like, "I'm gonna try something new."

"There's an alien in it."

"I know. I'm trying something new. "
"I don't like it."

"It's Miracle Whip."

My mom loves Miracle Whip.

She'd put it on salad.She'd put it on steak.She'd put it on sandwiches.
And you know what she'd put it on that really drove me crazy?

She'd put it on deviled eggs.

Deviled eggs is one of my favorite snacks.
I love deviled eggs.

But the fact that my mother would put Miracle Whip on deviled eggs made me question if I was eating a deviled egg or a Miracle Whip egg.

It was like if you went to a restaurant, and you ordered a quesadilla, and the waiter came back with a Miracle Whip quesadilla.

"I'm sorry, Did I order Miracle Whip or a quesadilla?"

I'm not sure.

Maybe I'm losing my mind.

My mom's a Miracle Whip person.My dad, he's a mayo guy.He's a mayo guy.
My mom is a Miracle Whip person.

In my family, we talk about mayo.
We talk about Miracle Whip.

And you know what we don't talk about? Politics.
I know that's a topic that a lot of people are talking about a lot.
And we don't.