Love In Your Life

John Gottman identified relationship barriers as what he referred to as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. We recognize these as self-protective mechanisms that, in fact, are guaranteed to destroy our relationship. That's because they originate in unresolved pain from our past. Instead of being in relationship and intimate with another, they signal distance from our partner.

We tend to "fool ourselves" with these subconscious efforts to protect ourselves, but what happens, in reality, is that we self-sabotage. They are designed to do exactly what we don't want to happen, to alienate us from our partner.

Ask yourself about your behaviors within your so-called "intimate relationships." Do you find yourself critical, defensive, holding contemptuous feelings for the one you said you loved? Do you stonewall when your partner is reaching out to address an issue of importance to him or her?

Awareness is the first step to resolution. Take this bit of understanding and shine a light on your and your partner's behavior. Change your mind first, before you decide to change your partner.

You've sent in your resume for a job you feel you can do and are interested in doing. You were invited for a face-to-face interview. All signs point to you being a "fit" to the corporate culture. So, why did you not get the job?

It is essential that you prepare ahead of time for a face-to-face interview. It is likewise important to "review" what took place during the face-to-face opportunity you were given to sell yourself. How did you do? What took place at the initial interaction? Did you approach smiling and with a firm handshake or were you so nervous that it got in your way? Were your responses to their questions right on, highlighting the best of what you have to offer? Did you stick to answering the question that was asked or did you veer off into lengthy tangents?

What would you have done better? Were you able to state clearly how you were able and willing to do the job in the specific organization and department? Remember that you can always learn on the job specifics but you can't be motivated where you have little or no interest. That will likely show through for a good interviewer and it is important. They are looking for your skill and your interest but also they need to be able to visualize you as a member of the team. How do you feel you did in that regard?

We were forced to step back. No matter what we did or how much we enjoyed our work, we were given the gift of time away from what we thought we knew, especially in our work lives.

It's like the world called a time-out. We drew a collective sigh and breath as we took a deeper look into who we are and what we're up to. How did we or can we use what we have learned, especially about ourselves and our own needs?

We may even have considered our personal lives. Were they/are they all they could be? Does our relationship meet our needs or have we been somehow settling for less than we deserve? Have we been the best we could be as partners ourselves? What about the children and the people we cherish? Did it take a pandemic to allow us to appreciate what we have?

It is entirely reasonable to think that many of us have benefited from the time away from our routines of life. At a minimum, we have understood the importance of those we love but perhaps there are much greater lessons learned. Perhaps your response was much more profound.

Whether you used this time to get clear on what is truly important, or allowed that fact to become the driving force for real change in your work and/or home life, it is, as always, your call. Hopefully, you will recall this time when your personal shift transitioned from what you have lost to all you have gained.

What are the factors that are at work to influence our career choices? Are we conscious of these influencing factors or not?

Whether we are consciously aware of the factors that influence our choices in career path selection or not, they are nonetheless present and at work "behind the scenes" of our life, so to speak. If you are one to have given this any thought, you likely know this and recognize what those influencers have been for you.

In general, we have our lifestyle preferences, such as married with or without children. To some extent, this choice will dictate how we manage our home/work-life balance. Then we have our personality and the needs that motivate us, in terms of financial expectations, etc.. There are inevitably cultural influencing factors as well.

We have a fair amount of common ground here as workers, but we ought to understand our uniqueness so that we decide most appropriately.

Blaming looks externally for the source of our discontent. The problem with that is it assumes you are a victim, not in control of your own happiness.

With the understanding that you alone are responsible for your happiness, you look to the self as the source. You are empowered with the knowledge that you are not a victim. In fact, you are clear that there are never any victims in the consequences of one's life, there are only volunteers. Following this logic, you can change your mind, your circumstance, and therefore impact the status of your contentment.

Blaming someone else for what happens to us or with us only weakens us. Although it may cause the one being blamed to feel a sense of guilt, it provides zero traction for us to change what made us unhappy in the first place. Instead, we are well-advised to own responsibility for what happens, as that alone allows us to positively impact our own status.

While blaming ourselves sounds too much like judgment and criticism, asking ourselves to take responsibility allows us to feel a level of control. We should each know and understand the difference, so we can ensure that we are being kind both to ourselves and to all others.

Holding ourselves responsible and accountable is a good thing. It demonstrates the power we authentically own over how we respond to what happens. We accept responsibility, knowing we are able to change what we do in the future. There is no blame or "finding fault with," but rather a sense of having control over our choices and decisions in an effort to improve.

What is happening to us here? We have gone from unearthing the horrors of abuse against women to a global pandemic, mixed with highlights of prejudice against people who are different from us. We have been forced to separate, wear masks that hide our kind signals of acceptance (smiles), and socially stand away from one another. We must avoid expressions of warmth and love, such as hugs or kisses. We can not enjoy gatherings of any sort, to celebrate marital unions or the life of a loved one who passes from this world.

How many of us have actually stopped to think of the message being sent here? Who is sending the message? Is it some higher spirit to get our attention or is it simply ourselves to ourselves? The self-fulfilling prophetic nature of our experience is obvious. We attract the experiences to us that will further our own point of view (This is explained in Paul Levy's books and teachings). But our 'own point of view' is terribly flawed, obviously. If we created it, can we undo it? Can we dream ourselves awake?

Knowing who we are and what we need is key to understanding what is necessary for our career lives and our personal lives, as well. Spending some time in self-analysis allows us to connect with that authenticity and offers us the perfect opportunity to love ourselves for precisely who we are. It also affords us the opportunity to love and accept another for who they are.

If there is synergy, we have the potential for a positive, productive union. The "assessment" piece just gets us to decision-making a little sooner, and a bit more efficiently, maybe. Without it, we could use up precious time (I intentionally did not use the word 'waste,' as I believe nothing is wasted; we are always learning).

Paying attention. That's what it comes down to. Attending to your own inner voice or intuition. And paying attention to the other, with whom you need to engage.

Knowing your preferences and understanding another's is better than nice to know. It's proven to be a need to know to avoid unnecessary errors and get right on to what is best for you. It's a more direct route to happiness and success and we each deserve that!

We continue down this road with the value of knowing your personality "type," and being aware enough to appropriately guess another's. Why is that important?

Knowing your style and motivational needs for a job interview allows you to stay in authentic communication, as you describe how you're a match in skill, motivation (interests), and culture. Having an understanding of how we categorize the styles helps you in making an educated guess on your interviewer's needs. Meeting them at their needs will greatly assist in you coming across most effectively.

If we are speaking personally, everyone prefers to be treated the way they need to be treated, to feel good about the interaction. So if you are able to adjust yourself and still remain in authentic communication, you leave a positive impression and increase the chances of continuing to remain in the relationship. At the other end, it helps facilitate decisions about the unlikelihood of a match, thereby saving both parties time and trouble.

Finally, one benefit of this analysis not often discussed is the fact that in understanding style differences, we gain a degree of empathy and tolerance for others. We realize that although we all share humanity, we do not always share similar personality traits or with what we need in a job match or a mate match. I think this understanding allows us to drop any judgment in that realization. A "side effect benefit to a more peaceful co-existence!

How do we understand our temperament and what it means in seeking a proper career match? Can it help us to be aware of our needs when it comes to job satisfaction? And what does any of it suggest for my personal happiness?

Knowing what motivates us helps us understand our needs and wants. Yes, it clarifies the kinds of job details that meet our unique needs and even tells us what we want to avoid. So, how can we understand those aspects of our nature and personality so that we consider them as we proceed in our search?

Whether seeking to select your most suitable career path, or become more aware of what you need in a partner, taking the time to assess your needs, motivations and /or style preferences will provide a process.