ONLINE DATING at MIDLIFE and BEYOND

Dr. Becky Hoppins returned to the show, this time to talk about online dating. She’s a Board-Certified Naturopathic Physician working at the Sage Clinic in Edmonds, WA. The podcasts we did in January and March dealt with menopausal issues and balanced hormones. Why the subject of online dating for today’s program? My husband Bryan and I recently enjoyed a double date with Becky and her partner Rob. She and I discovered we had both met our partners online and had had some parallel experiences. So, this program’s topic was born!

No matter our age (Becky is midlife, I am much older), we need to figure out who to look for, where to look, and how to recognize this person when meeting him or her. Dr. Becky and I agree that one must first do inner work to be ready to attract the right person. If you want to date and have a relationship with a terrific person, you must start by being a terrific person yourself!

Self-images can be deceiving. Think how OTHER’S PERCEPTIONS and YOUR PERCEPTION might differ. Here’s an exercise I offer to clients looking for a relationship: Circle the words that you think would describe how other people perceive you now. Then make a check by the same word you believe portray how you really are. Here’s the list: happy, secure, warm, inadequate, caring, distant, scared, sad, angry, giving, insecure, unhappy, bright, naïve, handsome, homely, attractive, trim, fat, compassionate, playful, shy, confident, anxious, lonely, talented. Life choices and self-improvement can open us to the potential bounty of our lives … and to more promising potential dates!

What are your personal expectations for online matches? Dr. Becky points out that her advice is specifically for those looking for dates that lead to long term monogamy. When you’ve done the (therapy) work, you’re more likely to attract the right person – able to trust, to mesh a life with someone. Don’t expect someone to rescue you, no one is coming to fix your life. You don’t want to be a “project.” You want to be your own hero.

Crafting a profile.  Be clear about your political, social, and religious stances. A discussion about the right kind of photos ensued.

What to look for in a date’s profile. Much of what you see may not be the whole truth, may be misrepresentations. Dr. Becky cites Jennie Young’s “Burned Haystack Dating Method.”  She’s a professor of rhetoric and feminist studies. Listen to the show for the details. Blocking vs Swiping left: you block people not aligned. The algorithm will bring you better matches.

Handling the first date. The coffee meeting is not the first date – it’s more like a job interview. On the first date, someone with more polished conversational skills can talk about things that will interest the other; be a good listener; flirt a little if you feel the chemistry; and not talk about your ex. Oversharing is not intimacy (on the first date). Neediness is a turn-off. Lead with curiosity and ask your date about himself/herself.