Love, Lust, and Laughter

A Tribute to Dr. Ruth Westheimer (1928-2024), Who Taught America How to Talk about Sex

Dr. Ruth talked publicly about sex more than anyone else. Ever.

She was my inspiration to do media work. In 1980 I began listening to her radio call-in show “Sexually Speaking.” In 1982 I watched her first appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson Show, a footstool under her feet because she was 4-foot 7. She spoke openly and with enthusiasm about sex – including masturbation. In those days, public discussion of sex was shrouded in prudishness.

She often said, “When it comes to sex, the most important 6 inches are the ones between the ears.”

My guest, Dr. Mark Schoen, founder of Sex Smart Films, is both smart and sexy! He has Dr. Ruth clips on Sex Smart Films. And he knew her before she became famous! At NYC’s Columbia University, she asked him to put her in one of his sex education films, which were used in sex education classes. His explicit films were always made to educate, not to titillate. Mark declined her request, fearing that her heavy German accented English would not appeal to viewers. Fast forward 19 years when Dr. Mark was producing sex ed films for the Sinclair Institute. They wanted her in one of their sex ed films. When he called Dr. Ruth to ask, she replied, “Mark, call my agent!” By then she was too expensive for the Sinclair budget.

Dr. Mark and I discussed many aspects of her remarkable life.

Her sense of purpose came from her history. Her parents died in the Holocaust. Dr. Ruth observed, “There were 1,500,000 Jewish children killed during World War II. I was spared because I was sent to Switzerland. People like me have an obligation to make a dent in society. I did not know that my eventual contribution to the world would be to talk about orgasms and erections, but I did know I had to do something for others to justify being alive.”  She understood that sex was a portal to living a happier life and that she was motivated by tikkun olam – Hebrew for making the world a better place. Dr. Ruth said, “You can take horrible experiences you will never forget, but you can use the experiences to live a productive life.” And she had fun being Dr. Ruth!  She described herself as being like a German doll: you knock it down and it bounces back. Ahh, resilience!

Dr. Ruth noted the importance of humor in teaching. I heard this first-hand in 1995 when I was part of a faculty which included her for a weekend sex conference in Washington D.C.. I spoke about my expertise: Sex & Aging. Meeting Dr. Ruth was a thrill!  She lectured that “if a professor leaves his students laughing, they will walk away remembering what they have learned.”

Westheimer promoted long-term relationships. Another quote: “I believe that the best sexual relations have to be in a loving relationship – not like in Hollywood, or your first love or the first night of sex, but in an enduring relationship, and realize how grateful we are that we have someone who cares for us.”

Old was not in her vocabulary. One of her 37 books was Dr. Ruth’s Sex After 50. She advised that if you are a senior and alone, buy a vibrator!

In her own very old age, she was named New York State's Honorary Ambassador to Loneliness. Her prescription for the lonely was the same as for the sexually frustrated: Be open. You have to feel your emotions. If you bottle the sadness in, the joy gets bottled right along with it.

R.I.P., Dr. Ruth, our beloved sex therapist known for her cheerful and insightful advice that educated millions about sexual health!

A Second Tribute to Candid Royalle, with Jamye Waxman

As sex therapists and longtime friends of Candida Royalle (actual name Candice Vadala), Jamye and Diana appreciate Candice’s thirst for self-knowledge. She wrote in 2013, “Still trying to unlock the key to myself.” She also wrote, “I will not let my past ruin my future.”  For decades Candice struggled to view herself through her own eyes, rather than through the eyes of some guy.

Jamye Waxman (www.waxmansextherapy.com) spoke in response to Dr. Diana’s questions: What was Candice to you? and What would you like to thank her for? As the “Godmother of Feminist Porn,” Candice—a real pioneer— was an inspiration for Jamye; also, a real friend and mentor. Jamye confesses that Candice believed in her before she could believe in herself! Diana and Jamye agreed that their late friend allowed others to shine! Jamye, for example, produced “Under the Covers” while Candice directed (the very last movie before her death in 2015).

Our discussion pivoted to pornography. Candice was disappointed by the new generation of mainstream porn: “The adult-porn industry is becoming a trash heap of over-the-top extremities of the most violating acts … Young men being brought up on this latest crop of meaningless mechanical crap are learning some terrible things about sex and women.” She wrote that in her diary in 2003.

Jamye fears that for our offspring, that we are fostering a phone-based childhood instead of a play-based childhood.

Because of phones, kids often have easy access to porn. For example, choking a partner may be normalized. (See the interview with Dr. Debbie Herbenick.)  Jamye’s concern is that things are being learned without being addressed. Candice foreshadowed that violence could become acceptable. It’s easy enough to go down a rabbit hole: vanilla sex scenes lead to kinky sex acts or violent ones.

In the early morning of September 7, 2015, Candice died of ovarian cancer at her Long Island home. The night before Diana wrote to her, in part: “To think that your vibrant, creative, beautiful life is about to end is devastating. It’s not fair. But your legacy is phenomenal! Through your movies, your book (How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do), and your media appearances, you have changed and improved many people’s sex lives and relationships. And, when folks can experience less shame and more enthusiasm regarding their sexuality … wow! … what a blessing!”

Diana and Jamye are glad Candice lived. She was a real blessing!

BTW, Check out Jamye’s column in PLAYGIRL. The one on attachment and relationships is compelling: https://playgirl.com/sex-talk/the-psychology-of-sex-lets-get-attached/ .

A Tribute to Candida Royalle & the Sexual Revolution with Veronica Vera

Diana Wiley and Veronica Vera were each longtime, close friends of Candida Royalle, a pioneer in producing female-friendly pornographic films. Both women were interviewed by Jane Kamensky, former professor of history at Havard and director of the Elizabeth Schlesinger Library on the History of Women in America, for her recently released biography: Candida Royalle & the Sexual Revolution – A History from Below.

The book is a sympathetic, clear-eyed profile of a woman who made female pleasure her business by starting her own production company, Femme Productions, in 1984.  Royalle (Candice Vadala, 1950-2015) prioritized women’s pleasure and orgasm in her films, while featuring a variety of sensual and sexual play.  She wasn’t interested in making the same, old, typical, boring, (male-focused) pornography.  

Veronica Vera (www.veronicaverawrites.com) wrote the column “Veronica Vera’s New York” that ran from 1985-1993. Veronica chronicled the sex world of which Candice was a star player. Veronica also founded CLUB 90, the first porn star support group with Candida Royalle, Veronica Hart, Gloria Leonard, and Annie Sprinkle. Fast forward to 2015, Veronica was the executor for Candice’s estate, and was instrumental in getting her archive of diaries, journals, and photos to Dr. Kamensky. Veronica knew Candice for about 35 years and loved her dearly.

Diana knew Candice for 28 years and also loved her deeply. They met at a sexology conference. Diana’s first impression was that of a radiant woman with a smile that said, “I love life, live it to the fullest, and adore adventures!” Yes, both women were open to adventures! They recognized that immediately as well as their sexual openness. Diana confessed, “My favorite thing is to go where I’ve never been. There is a scintillating thrill in new adventures!” She thought of herself as a girl of sparkle, shimmer, and shine – at least one in progress. That attitude played out when she worked as a showgirl in Miami Beach in the 70s (this job followed teaching school in Honolulu).

Chapter 25 of the book, “Sex in the 90s,” opens with a photo of Candice and Diana (page 351), who were about to go on the Jenny Jones TV talk show.  The topic: Candida’s explicit erotic films for couples to watch and how Diana used them in her therapeutic practice. Later, they envisioned “Case Studies: An Educational Line for Femme Films.”  They proposed a first volume on sex and aging, a research specialty of Wiley’s and a huge potential market.

One fan, a woman whose marriage benefited from watching Candida’s films, called her the Grace Kelly of Porn – a sophisticated and beautiful woman of incredible integrity, big enough to allow others to shine.

Candice’s quest for self-understanding as the center of a life well lived is evident in a 2013 journal: “Still trying to unlock the key to myself.”

Tune in for a fascinating podcast! And buy Jane Kamensky’s book … you’ll find yourself rooting for Candice Vadala!

Technology Changes Sex Education – What Parents Need to Know to Talk to Their Teens

Dr. Diana Wiley interviewed her amazing colleague Dr. Debby Herbenick, Provost Professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health, and Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion. Dr. Debby has just published her sixth book: Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today's Teens and Sex. She is widely considered one of the country’s most credible sources of accurate scientific information when it comes to sexuality.

How did she come to write this book? As a sex researcher and educator, she knew parents needed sex education—in an updated version. So much has changed because of internet access. Also changed are the ways that teenagers and young adults are having sex. There are changing sexual norms. As a mom, Dr. Debby was compelled to write Yes, Your Kid.

It’s important to be an askable parent, a parent who is warm, approachable, and supportive. Often with religious/church influences, the parents themselves grow up in a culture of sexual shame and guilt. Silence is a message, too. Dr. Debby offers parents guides to opening up conversations with their children. The book offers good strategies for parents.

We talked about “The Rise of Rough Sex” (Chapter 7). Dr. Debby’s research has shown a rise in rough sex and even choking among teens. Forty percent of women ages 18 to 29 have been choked during sex. Choking is a form of strangulation; obviously, there are risks—even death, although rare. It everywhere now, even globally. It’s in mainstream pornography. It’s in lots of TikTok videos.

Parents, when confronted with this information will yell, “No Way!” Dr. Debby’s extensive research says, “Yes, it’s happening.”

Parents can step into conversations about rough sex, but also about consent, using condoms, and communication. Pleasure also needs to be considered. Who can enjoy getting it on with a lover who ignores the real risks of pregnancy and STIs? Feeling safe is crucial to the deep relaxation necessary for erotic pleasure!

To quote Debby Herbenick, PhD: “Let your teen know that you want them to have fulfilling relationships in life—and that may include sex if they want. Be that resource and safety net for them.”

ANDROPAUSE, sometimes called MALE MENOPAUSE

Though the potency crisis that hits many men in middle age has some obvious causes – age, alcohol, stress – the decline is hormonal and psychological as well. Men often won’t discuss it with their doctors, their wives, or their lovers.

Dr. Stephanie Buehler (www.LearnSexTherapy.com), heading up The Buehler Institute, joined the program once again. When men and women face the same passages with different needs and directions, how does the partnership survive? Dr. Stephanie and Dr. Diana talked about it all!  Women go through the process of menopause in different ways, but it’s almost a universal experience. Men are all different.

Often there are existential issues. For example: Does my life have meaning? What parts of myself have been neglected that I am now free to live out? Do I matter? The denial of aging can show up in a man’s embracing symbols of success and vitality. It may also contribute to men avoiding seeking help when they experience sexual issues as they age.

Women are often concerned about their partners. One of Dr. Diana’s clients said, “I have some menopausal symptoms – but the main problem is that my husband has more! He’s 52, withdrawn, moody, and angry that he’s aging and losing his hair. Also, he just doesn’t get aroused anymore. And I got tired of things not happening when I tried to get sex started. I always thought it was me. I stopped trying because I thought it was embarrassing to him.” These are not uncommon complaints from female partners.

The two sex therapists discussed typical psychological problems such as lethargy, depression, increased irritability, mood swings, and an overall lessening of a sense of well-being. As men move into their 50s and 60s, they may have intermittent problems in gaining and sustaining erections. They may also feel some slackening of sexual desire. And unless a man is in a good relationship with a supportive partner, the shock of all these changes can bring on a powerful psychological crisis, which can actually frighten a man into erectile dysfunction (E.D.). Still, they don’t talk about it. Men may have integrated this idea: “Your job as a male is to be strong.”

It’s important to underscore that there is a robust population of older men who survive this potential crisis with their egos and erectile abilities intact. In one large study, forty percent of these healthy males remained completely potent at age 70. A man’s general physical health picture is significant. Organic factors contribute to E.D. in up to 80 percent of men.

Dr. Stephanie points out that some female partners are not helpful, heaving insults like, “What’s wrong with you?”

Once again, USE IT or LOSE IT comes into play. And it requires a trusted partner, and some self-discipline around drinking, eating, exercise, and preventive health measures.

The two sex therapists also talked about alcohol, diet, and stress. The chronic use of alcohol can murder potency. Urologists report that when looking at the tissue from patients with chronic alcoholism, the nerve is killed inside the penis. Tom Lue, an internationally known expert on the treatment of male sexual dysfunction, notes “It’s almost impossible to revive. Usually, it takes 10 or 15 years of chronic heavy alcohol use to kill the nerve.”

In 1995 Dr. Diana spoke about aging and sexuality at a Washington, D.C. conference. The keynote speaker, Dr. William Masters (of Masters and Johnson), was asked his best advice for an older man who is worried he’s losing his potency. Dr. Masters was nearly 80 then, and his voice filled with tenderness: “Talk to your partner. Tell her you have these concerns. She’s probably concerned and afraid to tell you. Then talk to a competent sexologist about how to reactivate your bedroom scene.” Dr. Masters treated sexual dysfunction for nearly 50 years. He had a humble definition of good communication in a relationship: “It’s the privilege of exchanging vulnerabilities.”

The Scariest Halloween Goblin: Many young men get their sex education from porn!

Dr. Paul Joannides, author of Guide to Getting It On, now in its 10th Edition, is seriously concerned about how porn affects young men. A great deal of sexual misery stems from mistaken beliefs! There is very little competent sex education to help.

Dr Paul, realizing that many young men, teenagers included, are compulsive about video gaming, developed the website Real Dude Radio to reach this audience with accurate information about sex. This works because young people consume information differently, conditioned by the video gaming industry and porn. They need help with the distortions of pornography.

Real Dude Radio is very enlightening!

• For example check out “The Ultimate Guide to the Clitoris.” A woman needs to get the brain and the body on the same page! This guide is clear and practical.

Dr. Paul is also concerned with sextortion where young men are getting blackmailed for their dick pics that also reveal their face. See this recent article in the Washington Post: ‘IDK what to do’: Thousands of teen boys are being extorted in sexting scams

Listening to this podcast episode will enlighten and entertain you!

Sexual Communication Improves As We Get Older

Dr. Stephanie Buehler joins Dr. Diana in a conversation about sexual communication; later, the sex docs speak about menopause. Dr. Stephanie Buehler (www.LearnSexTherapy.com) is a licensed psychologist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Supervisor. She is the author of several books on sexuality and relationships. Dr. Stephanie notes how important it is for the aging person to acknowledge and cope with changes. What doesn’t change is the solution: Couples need to figure out their sexual needs and wants and communicate them (and perhaps put down their phones for a while!). Conversation, it seems, is the most powerful type of foreplay. Talk to each other about sex. What do you want to feel? Desired, young, and alive?  Or?  Then you have to decide if you’re willing to put in the work. Practice, practice! Gourmet sex is like gourmet cooking. They don’t happen without focus.

Dr. Buehler points out that before having a hard conversation with a loved one, it’s important to identify what you want to say. Perhaps it is, “I am sad and what I need from you is extra affection.” Have empathy for your partner. On the other side is contempt, a dangerous feeling.

We have to adapt to changes as we age. Good sex needs re-imaging, expansion! Outercourse is wonderful because there’s no goal … you can just enjoy the feelings. The man doesn’t have to worry about his erection because there is no penetration. Partners can get out of their brains and into their bodies!

Connection rules. In the heat of an argument, many people have trouble reaching out. Remember, hurt underlies anger. Couples have to decide that the relationship is more important than all those things they do that annoy each other. Positive reinforcement instead of criticizing always wins!

Dr. Stephanie observes that in some Asian cultures where aging is revered, women don’t have as negative an experience with menopause. Older women are seen as wise and are protectors. Many menopausal women say emphatically “This is my time!” She was a good girl, a good wife and a good parent. She’s done for everyone, and now she is going to take care of herself. Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy, BHRT, can provide the missing hormones resulting from menopause. Please listen to the podcast for all the details!

Is the “Barbie” Movie Layered with Subversive Messages?

Nicole McNichols, PhD – The Sex Professor – www.nicolethesexprofessor.com – joins Dr. Diana to review the movie “Barbie.” They explored layered themes, including body image, appearances, perfectionism, and shame.

It’s not surprising that for the past 64 years, Barbie has been at the center of debates about who women are, who they should be, how they look, and what they want. The “Barbie” movie reveals many answers!

Body Image/Appearances – Dr. Nicole and Dr. Diana discussed how a woman’s image of her body affects her sexuality – and her relationship with her partner. There is “spectatoring” – looking at yourself with a critical eye during sex, preventing mindfulness. Sensate Focus exercises promote touching, massaging – helping a couple discover new erogenous zones for pleasure beyond PIV (Penis-In-Vagina) sex. What to do about a poor body image? Cultivate the ability to appreciate your uniqueness. When you start to appreciate your imperfections as endearing distinctions, you will have begun to love yourself in a way that allows you to love others. Regardless, the idea of a perfect body is fiction. None of us have perfect bodies. You may be ignoring your body at the expense of genuine sexual pleasure and empowerment!

Perfectionism – Eventually, Barbie was able to embrace herself, her vulnerability, her authenticity. Dr. Nicole proclaims: Real is the new perfect!

Shame – Sometimes called the “master emotion,” it is the feeling that we’re not worthy, competent, or good. Shame on you if you fail, so don’t try. There is not much room for growth.

Barbie and Ken both experience personal growth. Barbie deals with sexism and experiences the power of female confidence and collaboration. Ken deals with patriarchy and perils of toxic masculinity and entitlement.

Dr. Nicole McNichols is a Sex Professor with about 4,000 students a year attending her class at the University of Washington. There’s a reason she’s so popular … Her sex-positive messages are delivered with vitality, enthusiasm, humor and intelligence!  Dr. Nicole has a blog on Psychology Today, and you can see her great posts on Instagram and TikTok.

Stay tuned!  She’ll be back for a Part 2.

Alternative Relationship Arrangements

David Steinberg is a writer of consummate intelligence and compassion! Whether he is writing books or taking photographs, it comes across that sex is who we are, how we live, and how we experience pleasure and life. I’ve known David since 1988 when his first book Erotic by Nature was published. We’ve been friends for 35 years!

David and I discuss Open Relationships (one aspect of ethical nonmonogamy) and Living Apart Together. David and Kim, his partner of 17 years, practice both. David talks about how they give each other freedom, they get to be who they authentically are. He says they keep it fresh!  Every year and a day Kim and David meet to review and further define their relationship. Do they want to continue for another year and a day? It appears they have the real thing going on, a true love story!

Ethical Nonmonogamy (ENM) describes the situation where members of a couple consent to having additional sexual and/or romantic partners, and it’s gaining in popularity. More than a fifth of single American adults have engaged in ENM according to recent studies. ENM requires self-reflection, radically open communication, and compassion. Boundaries and rules are discussed; they may need to be re-negotiated over time. The trust is built on the fact that there’s nothing to hide.

Living Apart Together (LAT) refers to committed couples who each keep separate homes, often because they cherish private space and financial independence. Often these couples begin their relationship later in life. Both David and Dr. Diana have their respective LAT situations. The thrill in your relationship tends to endure because you are not living with each other all the time, thus helping to avert the slippery slope into a gray, monotonous relationship. Dopamine, the hormone of arousal, flows when there’s anticipation of wonderful sex to come! Yes, let there be spaces in your togetherness.

David Steinberg is also the author of This Thing We Call Sex. His fine art sexual photography will be assembled into a book Loving Couples, now in production. When it is published, he’ll be back to talk about it, I promise!

Getting “Sex Smart” with Dr. Mark Schoen

Dr. Mark Schoen is a sex educator and a filmmaker whose website www.SexSmartFilms.com has been called the “Netflix of sex education.” Fifteen years ago, Dr. Mark started with 46 films and now his site has over 600 films divided into three categories – Education, Research, and Therapy.  

Many universities use Sex Smart Films knowing that it is a sex educator’s dream come true! Parents need to familiarize themselves with the Education section of the site. Research shows that mothers and fathers who talk about sex with their kids are more likely to end up with adult children who share their values.

Dr. Diana suggests that her client couples use the Therapy section for Sensate Focus Exercises. For her female clients with anorgasmia, using the “Becoming Orgasmic” steps can help with just that! Dr. Mark says many people use these two sections for self-help – when sex therapy is not an option.

Watching any of the films of Mark’s site can be a great way to improve a couple’s communication. Pause after a scene and talk about it. This may help articulate wants and sexual needs. Plus, we learn so much visually.

Many folks need to be educated about what it means to be transgender. The transgender community is perhaps the most misunderstood and mistreated minority in America and around the world.  

Mark Schoen’s documentary “TRANS” shares the stories of several transgender people in various stages of their lives and their transition, ranging from a 7-year-old to those in middle age. Family and friends viewing this film will better understand what their loved one is going through. At a Univ. of Michigan discussion, a male-to-female trans person was asked if they chose this. The reply: “Who the fuck would choose this?!” They are born this way.

Dr. Mark Schoen gave birth to Sex Smart Films. What a valuable resource!  Check it out.