LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

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Triumphing over technical difficulties for today's episode, Kristy and Jerry talk about that long ride home after couples' sessions. Variations on it are proposed, along with a reaffirmation of the purpose of couples' therapy. Hints are dropped about a 2026 event. 

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In this conversation, Kristy and Jerry explore the concept of the 'adaptive child'—the immature part of ourselves that can dominate our reactions during conflicts. They discuss how to navigate situations when one partner is stuck in this state for an extended period, emphasizing the importance of self-care, compassion, and understanding. The dialogue highlights the significance of timing, safety, and the role of personal energy in communication. They also address the anxiety that can arise in relationships and the necessity of being able to choose to stay in a relationship without desperation. Ultimately, they provide insights on how to approach conflicts with curiosity and connection, while also recognizing when it may be necessary to step away for one's own well-being. In this conversation, Jerry and Kristy explore the concept of the 'adaptive child' and how it manifests in relationships. They discuss the importance of emotional awareness, recognizing when one is in a defensive state, and the nature of disagreements. The dialogue emphasizes the need for empathy, self-reflection, and effective communication to navigate conflicts. They also role-play a conflict resolution scenario, highlighting the significance of accountability and humility in maintaining healthy relationships.

Chapters

00:00 Understanding the Adaptive Child
02:48 Navigating Extended Triggers in Relationships
05:55 Self-Care and Compassion During Conflict
08:52 The Importance of Timing and Safety
11:55 Managing Anxiety and Relationship Fears
15:00 Choosing to Stay in a Relationship
18:09 The Role of Energy in Communication
21:07 Curiosity and Connection in Conflict Resolution
23:52 Knowing When to Step Away
25:44 Understanding the Adaptive Child
28:26 The Nature of Disagreements in Relationships
29:52 Navigating Rabbit Holes and Emotional States
31:54 Role-Playing Conflict Resolution
36:09 Empathy and Understanding in Communication
40:51 Self-Reflection and Personal Growth in Relationships
43:24 The Importance of Accountability and Humility

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In this conversation, Jerry and Kristy discuss the importance of self-soothing in relationships. They define self-soothing as the ability to observe oneself and step in to soothe oneself before reacting negatively. They explore different techniques for self-soothing, such as deep breathing, listening to soothing music, spending time with pets, writing, taking baths, and going for walks. They also discuss the need for self-awareness and the importance of not reacting impulsively in triggering situations. They highlight the significance of finding a balance between self-soothing and nurturing the relationship as a couple.

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Jerry and Kristy discuss the gap that can exist between "having good sessions" and actual change taking place, for either an individual or a couple. Tips for bringing the best of therapy to your actual relationship life are shared. 

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It's almost astonishing how -- after lamenting how little time we "get" to spend with our partner -- we routinely ignore the basics of positive connection in the time we finally set aside to be together. Kristy and Jerry review how some of these dynamics work and suggest corrective measures that can enhance your relational health. 

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The perils and pluses of reaching a diagnostic understanding about your partner are considered. Voicing diagnostic lingo to your partner is considered in terms of being an usually-losing tactic. Of special consideration when one of the couple is a therapist her/himself....

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Jerry & Kristy take an extended look at the process of repair. Frequently misunderstood as a "moment" it is actually  a relational project that requires vulnerability, bravery and follow-through. Specific applications of the process of repair to four different fight-scenarios are illustrated. 

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Couples usually stumble over this ever-present elephant-in-the-room; what if you have different backgrounds, expectations and habits when it comes to personal finances? What are the implications for the two of you as a couple? How do you even begin to talk about it? Jerry and Kristy ponder this out loud, with numerous common examples of disconnect. Hopeful strategies are identified. 

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Jerry and Kristy consider the thorny impact of worldwide patriarchy on the way we function in our relationships. Alternative models are considered, as well as an understanding of how the status-quo we were born into results in a bad deal for both men and women. 

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You know the feeling when you just want to throw things away? When one too many things have occurred and you would just love to get rid of things (or your partner?) instead of working to fix them? Jerry ponders the convergence of a number of mechanical breakdowns that came his way as Kristy puts it in context of the ever-present challenge of relational repair.