Lunchtime in Rome

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 262 is titled “Frustrated by Never Enough”.  Does it ever seem like your adult child cannot ever be pleased with you no matter what you do?  Maybe it’s your parent that can’t be satisfied.   Either way, we’ll be talking about that at The Table this evening.

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Description The “Never Enough” game helps keep a relationship agenda always on the table. The message to the “Frustrated” partner is, “I need you around to keep trying!” If you only do “this or that,” “Never Enough” finds something else to be dissatisfied about, and the game continues. “Frustrated” may become angry, give up, or seek appreciation elsewhere. “Never Enough” may often not even realize this game is going on.

Benefits “Never Enough” may be unconsciously played by the overly needy person who needs attention, security, or intimacy, but searches for them through a partner’s performance. This game may also be prompted by “Never Enough’s” fear that the “Frustrated” will not be motivated to give without constant messages of dissatisfaction. As long as they continue to play, this fear doesn’t have to be faced.

Examples

Parent as Never Enough

* NE: I need to go shopping.

* F: I can take you this weekend.

* NE: You spend too much time away from your family. Bring them along, and let’s go to lunch.

Adult Child as Never Enough

* NE: I need help with the baby this weekend.

* F: I’ll come over and watch them on Saturday.

* NE: That’s so great, because you can help me with laundry.

Underlying Issues

Unmet Needs “Never Enough” often has many unmet emotional needs but seeks to feel special or secure through “Frustrated’s” performance. To feel secure, the performance must continue. “Frustrated” often needs belonging.

Unhealed Hurts “Never Enough” may have unhealed hurts which are to be “made up for” by “Frustrated’s” performance. Forgiveness might be verbalized but not really given until performance occurs. “Frustrated” may express passive-aggressive anger. Fear would be common in both.

Faulty Thinking “Never Enough” might “personalize” disappointments into personal rejections or “polarize” by expecting perfect performance. “Generalizing” past hurts into the future would be common. “Frustrated” might “personalize” any expressed need as criticism and magnify criticisms.

Unhealed Childhood Hurts “Never Enough” often missed much but may have developed a self-sufficient performance to cope—thus the pressure for “Frustrated” to perform also. “Frustrated” may have missed out on approval and acceptance, feeling a conditional pressure to perform.

Ways to Disengage

“Never Enough” can disengage in the following ways:

* Think through what you already have to be grateful forExample: Complete a “Journal of Gratefulness.”

* Express appreciation privately and publicly to “Frustrated”Example: Appreciation exercises, e.g., “I really appreciate you for _________.”

* Think through your top three current wishes. Express them and appreciate them when fulfilledExample: “Wish List” exercise, e.g., “I think I would really enjoy _________.”

The Game is Over!

“Frustrated” can disengage in the following ways:

* Express your commitmentExample: “I’m deeply committed to being supportive and available to you.”

* Express your needExample: “It means so much to me when I sense your appreciation and acceptance of my efforts to support you. Could you acknowledge my efforts in (share specifics)?”

* Express your appreciationExample: “Thanks for noticing my efforts in (share specifics). Your appreciation really motivates me.”

The Game is Over!

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 261 is titled “Mike Hatch”.  Mike is an author, speaker, leader of men and most of all Husband and Father.  We’ll be talking with him at The Table this evening.

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You can find Mike in all of these places:

* Website: Redemptive Economics

* YouTube: Redemptive Economics

* Book: Manhood: Empowered by the Light of the Gospel

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 260 is titled “Sweet Martyr vs Outdone.  Is your relationship with your parent/adult child only about them?  Does your adult child or parent always seem to be frustrated when you need something?  That’s what we’re talking about at The Table this evening.

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Adult Parent/Adult Child Destructive Patterns

Sweet Martyr vs. Outdone

Description

* The game is played by someone overwhelmed by their own neediness. Almost every conversation turns back to "Sweet Martyr’s" needs.

* The other, "Outdone," has their needs, hurt, and desires "topped," minimized, or ignored.

* "Sweet Martyr" asks about others to be polite but remains self-absorbed.

* "Outdone" is left trying to meet SM’s endless needs, neglecting their own life and needs.

Results

* Sweet Martyr: Drowns in emotional needs and continually grasps for attention.

* Outdone: Becomes angry, withdrawn, or self-condemned.

Examples

* Example #1

* SM: "How’s the family?"

* OD: "Not great, things are rough at work and at home."

* SM: "I had dinner with Aunt Hazel this week."

* Example #2

* SM: "Hey Mom, how was the doctor?"

* OD: "Not great, some scary tests have to be taken."

* SM: "Can you babysit this weekend?"

Why Do They Do It?

* Sweet Martyr:

* "Sweet" because it’s what nice people do, but the game highlights SM’s needs without being direct.

* Conversations turn into opportunities to flaunt their needs.

* Outdone:

* Plays to get their own needs noticed and prove they are a good parent/child.

Underlying Issues

* Unmet Needs:

* "Sweet Martyr" feels a multitude of unmet needs despite OD’s giving, drawing attention to them often.

* "Outdone" has unmet needs too—attention, empathy, encouragement—but struggles to express them.

* Unhealed Hurts:

* "Sweet Martyr" fears their needs will never be noticed or freely given. Forgiveness is difficult.

* "Outdone" may be frustrated, angry, and passive-aggressive.

* Childhood Hurts:

* "Sweet Martyr" experienced unmet emotional needs despite surface needs being met, often feeling "spoiled" but emotionally neglected.

* "Outdone" learned to minimize their own needs growing up.

* Faulty Thinking (Destructive Patterns):

* "Sweet Martyr" generalizes past hurts into future expectations and magnifies their needs.

* "Outdone" minimizes their needs and hurts from SM.

How to Disengage

* For Sweet Martyr:

* Express a desire openly and appreciate the response (e.g., "I’ve missed our time together. Let’s plan something.").

* Give undivided attention to OD’s needs (e.g., "What’s been going on in your world?").

* Give lovingly to meet OD’s needs (e.g., "I’ll take the kids for the weekend so you can get away.").

* The Game is Over!

* For Outdone:

* Be lovingly assertive when receiving "Sweet Martyr" treatment (e.g., "I appreciate you asking, but it hurts when I don’t feel genuine concern.").

* Express your needs lovingly (e.g., "Can we sit down? I really need your understanding about how hard things have been.").

* Be available to give mutually to SM’s needs (e.g., "Now that I feel supported, what would you enjoy?").

* The Game is Over!

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In episode 259 of Lunchtime in Rome, titled "Hurt Lens Blind Spot Part 2," Jay, Chris, Mary Lynn, and Eric dive deeper into how past emotional wounds can distort our perceptions of present conflicts. Building on ideas from episode 257, they explore the concept of the "hurt lens," a mental filter shaped by previous hurts that can magnify or skew how we see others' actions. Through personal stories and humor, the team discusses the challenges of seeing situations clearly and the importance of seeking understanding in relationships. Tune in for an insightful look at how emotional blind spots affect our interactions and the path to reconciliation.

The Hurt Lens Outline

Introduction: Revisiting the Blind Spot

* Reflect on the concept of the "Blind Spot" from a previous episode.

* We often don’t realize it’s there.

* It distorts how we see situations or conflicts.

* It operates unconsciously, making us vulnerable.

* We will now refer to it as the “Hurt Lens.”

The Hurt Lens: What It Does

* Creates Illusions: Makes us perceive things that aren’t truly there.

* Magnifies Issues: Amplifies the intensity or significance of what we do see.

* Blocks Solutions: Prevents us from recognizing or finding a resolution to problems.

The Hurt Lens: The Consequences

* More Problems: Small issues escalate due to distorted perception.

* Bigger Problems: Existing conflicts become larger and harder to manage.

* Reduced Reconciliation: Makes resolving conflicts more difficult.

* Damaged Relationships: Misunderstandings can lead to long-term breakdowns in trust.

* Loss of Credibility: Continually misinterpreting situations can hurt your reliability with others.

How to Address the Hurt Lens

Defensive Measures:

* Acknowledge Its Existence: Be mindful that your perceptions might be skewed.

* Rely on a Trusted Loved One: Have someone who can offer a clear, objective view.

* Let them know you will seek their perspective.

* Trust their input, knowing it comes from a place of care.

* Show gratitude for their honesty and feedback.

* Seriously consider their perspective, even if it challenges your own.

* Pray for Clarity: Regularly seek spiritual guidance for insight and understanding.

Offensive Measures:

* Identify Unhealed Hurts: Reflect on past wounds that may be influencing your current interactions.

* Be as specific as possible when pinpointing these hurts.

* Also, consider their broader impact on your ability to handle conflict.

* Grieve and Heal: Use appropriate tools to process and attach comfort to these wounds.

* Therapeutic Letters: Write letters to express unresolved feelings.

* Genograms: Explore family patterns to understand the roots of emotional triggers.

* Emotional Support: Spend time with someone who listens and responds in a caring, emotionally supportive way.

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This podcast episode, titled "Performer vs. Yes But," discusses the emotional dynamics between parents and adult children, specifically focusing on relational games where one party (often the parent) expresses needs in ways that can't be met ("Yes But"), while the other party (often the child) tries hard to meet these needs ("Performer"). The key issue is that the real emotional needs are often unspoken or veiled, leading to frustration and unfulfilled expectations.

Key points:

* "Yes But" Dynamic: The "Yes But" person expresses a need but creates obstacles when the other party tries to meet it. This can be passive-aggressive and is often driven by fears of rejection or intimacy.

* "Performer" Dynamic: The performer continually attempts to meet the other party's needs but is set up to fail because the real needs are not being communicated clearly. This leads to frustration and burnout.

* Root Causes: Both parties are stuck in emotional patterns that stem from unresolved childhood issues, like unmet needs for acceptance, belonging, or security.

* Game Continuation: The game persists because the "Yes But" person receives attention, even if their needs are never fully met. The performer keeps trying in the hope that eventually their efforts will be appreciated.

The episode also touches on intermittent fasting, energy levels, and personal experiences related to health, along with some light-hearted conversations about music and culture.

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 257 is titled “Your Blind Spot.”  What if there was something in your life that was sabotaging you?  What if it clouded many of the decisions that you make?  What if it became most destructive at the absolute worst times?   We'll be talking about that at The Table this evening.

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Today’s Topic

*  Intro topic

* Revisit the intro, specifically when it comes to conflict

* Talk about what we think it might be

* “No one is to blame, however everyone is wrong”

* 3 sides to every story - why is that true?

* One of the main reasons is our Blind Spot

* That is the ramifications from unresolved hurts in our life

* Fear

* Anger

* Guilt

* Self Condemnation

* Each of these predispose us to see things differently than they are

* Characteristics of The Blind Spot

* It does not appear in the forefront of our minds

* It is a forced learned reality (reference the book)

* We not only perceive things through it but it changes how we actually think specifically about the conflict and ourselves in general

* It creates vulnerable positions that we take in conflict as we are seeing things NOT for what they truly are.

* We can act and make mistakes

* We can not act and miss opportunities

* We can sever ties with people/places that could be reconciled

* What to do about them

* Defensively 

* Just be aware that it exists and could be impacting you

* Ensure that you have a trusted loved one who can see what you cannot see

* Let them know that you will be seeking their opinion

* Trust their input as altruistic

* Thank them for their input

* HEAVILY consider their perspective

* Pray throughout

* Offensively 

* Seek what unhealed hurts are in your life

* Try to decipher the impact they’ve had in your ability to handle conflict

* Be specific as you can

* But also look at it in general

* Use tools to properly grieve and have comfort attached

* Therapeutic Letters

* Genograms

* Just sitting and being with someone who will listen in an emotionally responsive way

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 256 is titled “Back to School.”  How are you different EMOTIONALLY now compared to when you were in school?  How much would it have helped the younger you?  We'll be talking about that at The Table this evening.

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Christina Madden

I was very conscious of other people's opinions of me. I had 2 friends. Not big groups. I was not "popular". Kids are often cruel to one another and even at 54 (ouch) I can still remember those feelings of not being liked. Now that I am "older" (again, ouch) I learned to be comfortable in my own skin. Yes, I like the idea of being liked, but it's more important to me that I'm a good person and that I'm passing that on to my kids.

Laurie Ann Klingler Bonine

I felt like I lived in the shadow of my perfect brother. (Captain of the debate team, National Honor Society, accelerated classes with straight A’s) Teachers compared me to him so I chose to NOT be like him. It affected my life due to bad emotionally charged choices. It has had a life long effect on my relationship with my brother.

If I could go back and talk to me: I would tell myself that I am smart enough and brave enough to just be myself. Make choices for my future not to prove anything to anyone but me. I am enough.

Now, I choose to lift up others who feel they are not enough so they can see how awesome they are. To step out of the shadows.

Becky Kress Fenoglietto

I thought that I was the least-liked person in school. I envied classmates who always seemed to be on the inside, comfortably surrounded by their friend groups. Thanks to Facebook, I connected with some of these women, some I hadn’t been all that close to in school. At dinner one night, we discovered that each of us felt like we were on the outside looking in. Incredible. It has led to some really nice adult friendships. It also gave me the insight to help my boys navigate their teen years (Yes, boys have it tough as well.).

Christie Frachioni

When I was in school, I wasn't able to step outside of my personal bubble to truly see what others were going through. It was all about ME. Not in a selfish way. But I simply lacked to ability to be truly empathic. It took a handful of unpleasant "life experiences" for me to look outside of myself and actually SEE others. To appreciate THEIR needs, problems, and struggles. No longer in the way of how those things directly affected me, but how they existed separately from me. It was a gradual evolution for me that happened over the course of several years, but it was life changing.

I look back now and see how much more I could've helped the people I loved get through really challenging times. Specifically, one thing that comes to mind, is when I was in my early 20s, my grandmother regularly asked me to take my grandfather to adult day care. I tried to get up early enough to do that, but I was waiting tables at the time and often didn't get home until 1a-3a. I would frequently oversleep and she'd have to find someone else. At the time, I found her request an annoyance. I thought, "Didn't she realize that I'd only be getting 4-5 hours of sleep by taking him that early?" It wasn't until years later that I understood that she wouldn't have asked me unless she absolutely had to. And, now, of course, I feel awful about brushing it off. However, I had to get here on my own terms; it was absolutely a learning process. I was simply UNABLE to see HER NEED at the time.

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Adult Parent Adult Child Destructive Patterns

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 255 is titled “Nothing’s Wrong vs Hooked.” This is our 2nd episode discussing Parent/Adult Children conflict. This one centers on miscommunication and manipulation. Hopefully this doesn’t apply to you or someone you love.

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* Description

* A classic way of drawing attention to unmet needs without being vulnerable is the “Nothing’s Wrong” game

* One person (typically parent) uses facial expressions, noises, etc to draw attention

* When asked about it they reply that nothing is wrong

* This creates further questions from the asker

* The Hooked (question asker) can become angry over time

* The NW can feel neglected or angry when the questions stop

* Results

* Anger mounts

* Communication is being manipulated rather than honest

* The Hooked becomes frustrated, blows up and/or begins to avoid altogether

* Example

* 1st example

* Parent - Phone call w/ no message

* Child - What did you need dad?

* Parent - Nothing, it doesn’t matter anyhow

* Child - what doesn’t matter, is everything ok?

* Parent - You know I’ll be fine

* Child - Fine about what?  What’s going on?

* Example 2

* Me: Joe, cut the grass

* Joe: It’s on my list

* Me: Cuts the grass

* Joe: Are you mad?

* Me: No (just disappointed)

* Joe: (Feels guilty and sulks away)

* Why do they do it?

* Nothing Wrong

The “Nothing’s Wrong” person continues to play to gain attention and have the other person “pry” from them important facts, issues, or needs. This is much less risky than asking to talk or sharing needs vulnerably. This player also remains in control of the situation since the

game is played on his/her terms.

* Hooked

The “Hooked” player often benefits from this game in being insensitive or irresponsible until the partner begins this game. This player can always plead innocent that he/she

didn’t know anything was wrong!

* Underlying Issues

* Unmet needs

* Nothings wrong person -may have any number of needs: attention, support, appreciation, empathy, etc.

* “Hooked” often lacks awareness of his/her own need and thus can be “oblivious” to the other’s needs.

* Unhealed Hurts 

* Nothings wrong - may have considerable fear about vulnerably sharing needs, as well as hurt from previous games.

* Hooked - may have considerable anger from previous games

* Faulty thinking (destructive patterns) - “Nothings Wrong” may “personalize” everyday occurrences and “magnify” their importance. “Hooked” may tend to “minimize” his/her own emotional needs and thus everyone else’s as well.

* Unhealed childhood hurts

* Nothings wrong - may have missed someone being sensitive to hurts and needs and taking initiative to ask about them—thus the game.

* Hooked  - likewise may have missed out on sensitive “giving” to meet needs and thus ignores them or waits for “dramatic” cries for help.

* To disengage

A. “Nothing’s Wrong” can disengage in the following way:

1. Think through what your real need is.

Examples: chores, rides, phone calls, help with the grandkids (if the other way around), financial help, technological assistance

2. Choose the right time to express your need.

Examples: privately; in person if possible, phone if not, not text.

3. Lovingly express your need.

Be kind, thinking of their needs, be clear, be honest

4. The Game is Over!

B. “ Hooked” can disengage in the following way:

1. Share the truth in love—when you first notice the game begin.

Example: “By your tone and/or actions, I can tell that something is going on.”

2. Express your support and availability

Example: “When you’re ready to talk, let me know—I’d sure like to support you in whatever is troubling you.”

3. Listen attentively/respond lovingly.

Example: Undivided attention; eye contact; empathy; comfort; reassurance.

4. The Game is Over!

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 254 is “Marriage Intensive.” What's it like to spend 6 days entirely focused on improving your marriage? What do you learn about relationships in general and about each other specifically? Chris and Amy Davison are here to share all about their marriage intensive experience from this past June!

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 253 is entitled “Parent-Adult Child Games, Complainer/Procrastinator”  There is a growing epidemic of adult children going “No or low contact” with their parents?  Why?  What emotional games are they trapped in?   We’ll be talking about that and one of those tonight.

Episode Outline

* Description

* The parent makes a request 

* The child agrees but doesn’t follow through

* Parent keeps asking “Complainer”

* Child keeps putting off and becomes “Procrastinator”

* Results

* Anger mounts

* Avoidance continues

* Trust is lost

* Example

* Parent - Call, visit, invite over

* Child - This week is booked, next week?

* Parent - but you said that last week

* Child - I know but things should really loosen up

* Parent - Nevermind you don’t care about me/us

* Child - I’d care more if you weren’t always in our business

* Why do they do it?

* Complainer

* They keep playing to prove that the child doesn’t care and can’t be dependent upon, that they don’t appreciate them

* They do this to gain:

* Attention

* Prove that they don’t need the adult child (respect)

* Justify favoritism towards other children

* Procrastinator

* Prove that the parent is needy/nagging/intrusive

* Prove that the parent no longer controls them - respect

* To ensure that the parent still and continually needs them - belonging

* Underlying Issues

* Unmet needs

* Complainer Parent

* Attention

* Security - proving child’s love

* Procrastinator Child

* Appreciation/needed - if they like being asked

* Respect - if they relish in not doing it

* Acceptance/belonging- if they say yes but don't do it

* Unhealed Hurts - both parties fear being honest most likely due to unresolved historical hurts between the two

* Faulty thinking (destructive patterns)

* Complainer - personalize and generalize

* Procrastinator - generalize

* Unhealed childhood hurts

* Complainer

* Lack of belonging

* Lack of attention

* Procrastinator

* Lack of respect

* Lack of security (nagging) growing up

* To disengage

* Complainer parent

* Lovingly clarify time requirements

* If the child doesn’t follow through

* Give ONE back up time frame

* Then

* Do it yourself - guard against bitterness

* Don’t do it and allow whatever consequences to come

* But do not announce them

* Do not throw blame or attach guilt

* Procrastinator Child

* Do what they ask

* Be honest up front

* I can’t do it

* I will do it on these terms/dates and do it

* Set up a boundary/border type situation

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