Madness Madness!

Well fuck, it's wartime again on Madness Madness. Today we learn about legitimate national hero Chris Noel, who started her work actually supporting the actual troops in a way more useful than car window stickers in Vietnam and never looked back. We also learn about The Hunley!, a Civil War-era submarine that worked about as well as the submarine you picture in your head after hearing the words "Civil War-era submarine." Don't worry, they eventually succeeded in a mission that killed their fourth or fifth crew before sinking for the last time. (It's cool, they were Confederates.) A crucial fact about The Hunley: The 1999 TV movie TNT made about it was exactly the tribute it deserved. [GAAAAAAAASP]

Look, the IRA did some unforgivable things in response to some equally unforgivable things done by the Ulster Unionists and centuries of even worse things done by the fucking English. But when you kidnap a horse hailed as a national hero by the people of Ireland itself, you have officially gone too far. Today we hear the tale of Shergar, a horse who was real good at running fast, and of Bild Lilli, a doll originally made in 1950s Germany for a right-wing newspaper's gross dude readers. By 1964 she'd dyed her hair, crossed the pond, and started a job with a little joint called Mattel. All this plus we talk about how it's hot! It's hot.

Hello! Madness Madness is currently out of the office. You've pressed six to learn more about Tom Petty! Brian reads an excerpt from a remembrance by Warren Zanes, Petty's biographer, published a year after the absolute legend's death. You can read the full article here.

Hello! You've reached Madness Madness. We are currently out of the office. Please listen to your choices carefully, as our menu has changed.

How 'bout we just list some key items this episode has in it: Border Blasters, goat testicle implantation, rootin' tootin' child neglect, Brother Al ("A-L"), one hundred baby chicks by mail, Big Tex continuing to slowly and mechanically wave as he is engulfed in flames*, the ionosphere. Get to it!

*this is quite possibly the funniest thing that had ever happened before the "Four Seasons Total Landscaping" incident

Friends, do you like stunning stone structures perched on piney hilltops? Do you like the ghosts of mistreated sanitarium patients, dead from neglect? OK what about the ghost of a cute little orange tabby cat? OK! Me too! Let's go to the Crescent Hotel then, and learn about Eureka Springs' most haunted place! (Also one of the prettiest.) Oh, and be sure to bring a book! We'll be relaxing in the hot springs with an annotated copy of the Voynich Manuscript. The annotations all say "I don't know what this part here means either; this book is, as I have said repeatedly, mostly gibberish. Please let me see my family again." BEACH READS!!!

This week we have a look at the actual events that led to a legendary song, the most famous version of which contained the line "I've got three little children and a very sickly wife." Stagger Lee! Real shit! That there is a song that contains absolutely no hidden backward lyrics, which means it wasn't a part of the moral majority scare about rock music hiding backward lyrics that would ... subliminally make us think Paul McCartney was dead? Or something. Climb on, it's a ride!

Today we learn about automatons from hundreds of years ago, the most famous of which may have been The Mechanical Turk, which played chess with actual people in the room and got pissy with you if you tried to cheat. Then it's a personal story of a deeply unsettling babysitting gig, the 1989 Olympic Festival in Norman, Oklahoma, and the bleak shitscape that our lives as Americans is becoming. It's fucking awful! Join us.

BONUS: The OK 89 Olympic Festival in its entirety, cued up to Roger Miller's performance, which was unquestionably the best part.

OK WELL ANYWAY now that the tornado has passed, Erin can continue talking about Kit Williams' book "Masquerade" and the real-life treasure hunt it spawned (on purpose). And Amanda can tell us a little something about some obvious straight-up horse shit that the British scientific community uncritically gobbled right up because it wanted to believe fucking England was the cradle of life, and let that sink in for a moment before you learn the hoax's name: Piltdown Man! Join us, won't you? Bring a shovel.

This week we spend some time with Koreshan Unity, which has nothing to do with Waco, the ATF, or TV movies starring the guy from "Wings" or, later, Tim Riggins. Although it might be worth debating whether the standoff in Waco would have ended differently if the Earth were hollow, as today's cult insisted it was. We also learn more about "Masquerade," a picture book by Kit Williams that purposely led to an actual real-life treasure hunt ... wait, is that a tornado siren?