Make Your Damn Bed

delayed grief is how we end up creating false selves. it's our job to grieve fully, so we can release the attachments to our denial. connectedness, validation, and support are the way through.

John Bradshaw's website.

Buy the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Read the TOXIC SHAME article from Very Well Mind.

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.

Info on War Tax Resistance.

Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief Fund

The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

in order to be healed, we must come out of isolation.

identity formation is a social process, so unraveling toxic shame is also a social process. - John Bradshaw

John Bradshaw's website.

Buy the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Read the TOXIC SHAME article from Very Well Mind.

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.

Info on War Tax Resistance.

Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief Fund

The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“The only way out is through.”

"Embracing our shame involves pain. Pain is what we try to avoid. In fact, most of our neurotic behavior is due to the avoidance of legitimate pain. We try to find an easier way. This is perfectly reasonable. In the case of shame, the more we avoid it, the worse it gets.

We cannot change our “internalized” shame until we “externalize” it.

Externalization methods include:

1. Coming out of hiding by social contact, which means honestly sharing our feelings with significant others.

2. Seeing ourselves mirrored and echoed in the eyes of at least one non-shaming person. Reestablishing an “interpersonal bridge.”

3. Working a Twelve Step program.

4. Doing shame-reduction work by “legitimizing” our abandonment trauma. We do this by writing and talking about it (debriefing). Writing especially helps to externalize past shaming experiences. We can then externalize our feelings about the abandonment. We can express them, grieve them, clarify them and connect with them.

5. Externalizing our lost Inner Child. We do this by making conscious contact with the vulnerable child part of ourselves.

6. Learning to recognize various split-off parts of ourselves. As we make these parts conscious (externalize them), we can embrace and integrate them.

7. Making new decisions to accept all parts of ourselves with unconditional positive regard. Learning to say, “I love myself for . . .” Learning to externalize our needs and wants by becoming more self-assertive.

8. Externalizing unconscious memories from the past, which form collages of shame scenes, and learning how to heal them.

9. Externalizing the voices in our heads. These voices keep our shame spirals in operation. Doing exercises to stop our shaming voices and learning to replace them with new, nurturing and positive voices.

10. Learning to be aware of certain interpersonal situations most likely to trigger shame spirals.

11. Learning how to deal with critical and shaming people by practicing assertive techniques and creating an externalization shame anchor.

12. Learning how to handle our mistakes and having the courage to be imperfect.

13. Finally, learning through prayer and meditation to create an inner place of silence wherein we are centered and grounded in a personally valued Higher Power.

14. Discovering our life’s purpose and spiritual destiny.

All of these externalization methods have been adapted from the major schools of therapy. Most therapies attempt to make that which is covert and unconscious into something overt and conscious.

These techniques can only be mastered by practice. You must do them, then reinforce them by doing them again. They will work if you will work."

JOHN BRADSHAW - Healing the Shame that Binds You

John Bradshaw's website.

Buy the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Read the TOXIC SHAME article from Very Well Mind.

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.

Info on War Tax Resistance.

Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief Fund

The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

"Being nice is primarily a way of manipulating people and situations." - John Bradshaw

"Perfectionism flows from the core of toxic shame. A perfectionist has no sense of healthy shame; he has no internal sense of limits. Perfectionists never know how much is good enough. Perfectionism is learned when one is valued only for doing... Condemning others as bad or sinful is a way to feel righteous. Such a feeling is a powerful mood alteration and can become highly addictive.

"A person who feels flawed and defective feels powerless and helpless. Such a person can alter her feelings of defectiveness by helping and taking care of others. When she is caregiving others, she feels good about herself. So the goal of the caregiver is the caregiving, not the good of the person being cared for. The caregiving is an activity that distracts one from one’s feelings of inadequacy. Distraction is a way to mood-alter. "

- John Bradshaw Healing the Shame that Binds You

John Bradshaw's website.

Buy the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Read the TOXIC SHAME article from Very Well Mind.

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.

Info on War Tax Resistance.

Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief Fund

The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Our culture does not handle emotions well. We like folks to be happy and fine. We learn rituals of acting happy and fine at an early age. I can remember many times telling people “I’m fine,” when I felt like the world was caving in on me. 

Toxic shame is true agony. It is a pain felt from the inside, in the core of our being. It is excruciatingly painful. - John Bradshaw

John Bradshaw's website.

Buy the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Read the TOXIC SHAME article from Very Well Mind.

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.

Info on War Tax Resistance.

Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief Fund

The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sometimes, "“I feel shame” comes to mean “I am shameful, deficient in some vital way as a human being.” Shame is no longer one feeling among many, but comes to constitute the core of oneself. Internalized shame creates a frozen state of being. Shame is no longer an emotional signal that comes and goes. It is a deep, abiding, all-pervasive sense of being defective as a person.

This core of defectiveness forms the foundation around which other feelings about the self will be experienced.

Gradually, over a period of time, this frozen feeling of belief recedes from consciousness. In this way shame becomes basic to one’s sense of identity. One becomes a shame-based person." - John Bradshaw

John Bradshaw's website.

Buy the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Read the TOXIC SHAME article from Very Well Mind.

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.

Info on War Tax Resistance.

Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief Fund

The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We can't heal what we don't feel.

Unfortunately, one of the greatest powers of toxic shame is that it creates automatic, unconscious defenses: like Idealization, repression, denial, dissociation.

So most people don't heal this shame and end up passing it down to their children, through hierarchal power structures, coercion, and denial.

Dysfunctional Family Rules: Chaos or Control, Perfectionism or Anomie, Blame self or others, Denial of freedoms,

John Bradshaw's website.

Buy the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Read the TOXIC SHAME article from Very Well Mind.

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.

Info on War Tax Resistance.

Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief Fund

The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The more one experiences shame, the more one is ashamed, and the beat goes on. It is this dead-end quality of shame that makes it so hopeless. But it's not hopeless, it just feels like it.

“Without feeling, nothing matters, and with feeling, anything can matter.” - Silvan Tompkins

When you internalize toxic levels of shame, you create a "false self" to cope. It takes lots of energy and hard work to live a false self.

John Bradshaw's website.

Buy the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Read the TOXIC SHAME article from Very Well Mind.

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.

Info on War Tax Resistance.

Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief Fund

The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Without feeling, nothing matters, and with feeling, anything can matter.” - Silvan Tompkins

When you internalize toxic levels of shame, you create a "false self" to cope. It takes lots of energy and hard work to live a false self.

John Bradshaw's website.

Buy the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Read the TOXIC SHAME article from Very Well Mind.

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.

Info on War Tax Resistance.

Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief Fund

The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Toxic shame is a deep feeling of worthlessness and self-hatred often starting in childhood due to trauma or neglect. Deconstructing internalized toxic shame is an intense and overwhelming process, but it's a rewarding one.

Read the TOXIC SHAME article from Very Well Mind.

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.

Info on War Tax Resistance.

Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief Fund

The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

Read Julie's Medium Blog.

Support JULIE (and the show!)

Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.

Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.com

Tune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.