Mandy Sucks Minute

i might offer a cleverness point for andy stopping the van like this after getting the atv stuck in the mud, except 1) there was no reason for there to be mud, 2) it came out of nowhere and was stupid, 3) where did andy get these caltrops? did he go smith them really quick because he's obviously got time for that? 4) we don't fucking see the tires on the van get punctured anyway, and then 5) swiney todd has to go and say something stupid right after, which wraps it up in a tight little shit package.

#mandy minute 99

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you know what your hero needs right in the middle of the climax of the movie? a quick nap, even though we never even saw him stop walking. and, a conversation with an NPC that has nothing to do with the plot but just happens to know where the enemy can be found because... drugs let you know things you shouldn't be able to know; drugs are great, kids; they're wonderful; they will make you strong enough to crush a guy's head and they will make you want to crush a guy's head, because this movie can't even get its drug messages straight.

this fucking movie.

#mandy minute 98

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but, you gotta have your lulls, right? the revenge plot, once it kicks in, can't just happen with nonstop energy; that would kill us all. so, you include the boring, the useless, the random tiger, the random cartoon, the random nic cage, and pretend it all flows wonderfully.

it doesn't.

#mandy minute 97

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and panos et al for filming it. it's amateur hour at the atv stunt show so let's get some slow mo! #mandy minute 96

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but hey, bugs of some sort, and this scene is obviously vital to the plot. it's good to pause from time to time and forego any momentum. #mandy minute 95

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it's like that bear in midsommar. it's there and i want it to matter, i want it to do something, i want the plot to go someplace, for any of anything to make any damn sense and for characters to have depth (well, the characters in midsommar did okay on that one), and for filmmakers not to promise me #animalattacks and then have no fucking animal attacks. it's wrong.

#mandy minute 94

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a quick bonus because we mustn't neglect any of this film's stupid.

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i've seen more expression in your classic cut-to-the-dog moments in so many movies. nic cage CAN act, he just mostly isn't bothering here, and it's a problem. he's probably just trying to compensate for the overacting in the bathroom earlier. #mandy minute 93

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this scene is just another waste of time in a film full of wastes of time. the chemist serves no plot purpose, andy doesn't kill him, the stupid tiger as metaphor for andy's rage is mistimed because he has already killed four people so it's a little late to let the tiger out, and it's a waste of a tiger.

andy should have let the tiger out, let it maul the chemist and get itself some drugs and go on a rampage and maybe it would matter that there's a tiger in this movie. as is, it might as well be stock footage.

#mandy minute 92

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but when every choice you make in production is the wrong one, inevitably, you will find a perfectly horrible thing to put on screen, and people in the audience will think it's awesome. well, some of the people in the audience. the awful people in the audience.

i am not nice to those people in this episode. i am not nice to panos, or nic, or anyone else involved in making or enjoying this film. so, at this time, from the bottom of my heart, i would like to say, i fully support everything i said here and you all suck.

#mandy minute 91

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