You'll never believe the brush with Melrose Place celebrity we've had...

At long last, we got to the season finale of season three - the peak moment in Melrose Place folklore.  This was apparently Darren Star's last episode with the series, which explains the shift in characters and tone going forward.

Short takeaway: thank god for Sandy and Rhonda that they got out while they could, because literally everyone else could be dead or jailed for life.

Matt's been set up for murder by sexy doctor man.  Oopsie doopsie.  So he might be jailed for life.

Jess physically abused Jo, prompting Jake to go have a fight at a construction site, lunging at Jess so they both fall off of an unfinished building.  So Jake could be dead or jailed for life.

Kimberly managed to get everyone else back to Melrose Place, Jane, Richard, Mackenzie, Billy, Brooke, Alison, Sydney, Michael, Peter, Jo, Jake, and I think that's it right before she hit the button to blow up the building.  Which, of course, didn't air, because of the Oklahoma City bombing.

We'll be doing some special episodes for a few months before season four, so please, keep me in your thoughts as I have to continue to hear Mary refer to it as the "alleged bombing."

Well, we took a month off between recording, or frankly even watching the show, so come along with us for our confusion as we try to remember what was happening in this show from 30 years ago that only one of us watched and even that was 35 days ago.  As best as we can tell:

Olipop soda is terrible, but that is unrelated to the show.

Cynthia's stalker has made it to LA and is sending threatening messages using a black barbie doll.  Brian, boyfriend extraordinaire, decides not to tell Cynthia.  Then, he conspires with Hillary to continue not to tell Cynthia.  Eventually, though, the stalker leaves a threatening doll inside Cynthia's bedroom, and the jig is up. 

Sarah and Mark have sex immediately after Mark explains that he is in love with someone else.  It turns out that someone else is JESUS, and he is becoming a priest, so now what?

Linda and Eric are flirting with getting back together, but he's not the one who moves on.  She does by leaving the bar even though he is crooning a love song right into her eyes.

The tea this week is with Julie and Monique.  Julie's bet to steel Adam/Reed from Monique/Terri is moving along, causing both Julie and Monique to be on a fundraising committee for the Children's Hospital.  Craig is making it clear that he wants to date Julie, but she says he can't afford an admissions ticket.

Remember when Hillary was supposed to be the star of this show?

Well, we're now fully set up for the most epic episode of the entire series, the season three finale.

Except Mackenzie Freaking Hart has still not arrived.  This is an outrage, and I demand protests in the streets for the writing to be better.

But, here is what we get.

Michael is framed by Kimberly for stalking Amanda and beating Kimberly, so now he is in jail on bail for $200,000.  Somehow, he gets out to be at the apartments.

Matt and Paul continue their romance, with Paul promising Matt that he's leaving his wife, and can Matt just come help him move out.  he ends up making Matt look like a stalker, which will come in handy for what happens next...

Brooke gets Alison successfully to Hong Kong, gets engaged to Billy, and convinces both of them that the other wants to sever all ties.  Wow.  

Jake and Jess have a sibling rivalry for the ages.  Jake is convinced that Jess tried to have him killed, although his theory for the motivation makes zero to negative sense.  But, it's what we have.

And Kimberly's evil inner voice has arrived, looking oddly like the goons that Jess hired to kill his brother.  Huh.

Let's go season three!

What a stupid episode title.  

But that's okay, because it was actually a good episode.

Jake fires Jess and kicks him out, so Jess have Jake killed by hiring goons to rob the bar.

Sydney's drama with pantyhose cocaine comes to an end as it is revealed that it was all a set up by Jane to get Syndey to sign over her Presidency of Mancini Designs.  Sisters are doin' it for themselves, I guess.

Matt's most interesting storyline to date is heating up, but right now it just seems like tired stereotypical trash.  But it's going to get good as this season comes to it's explosive crescendo.  Right now, Matt is confronted by Paul's wife for seducing the good doctor.  Huh.

Finally, Amanda is in the fourth most interesting plot, but it's the one where Brooke is conspiring to move Alison to Hong Freaking Kong so that she can have Billy to herself.  Billy, quite the catch.

Well, we've reached that soap opera stage where all of the characters are operating disconnected from each other.  So we have distinct, non-overlapping story lines.

Cynthia regains a stalker from New Jersey.  He is on his way to LA, but she can't be distracted because she is getting sexy chili dogs with Brian.

Sarah continues her romance with mysterious Mark, kissing him at a retirement home they're doing community service at, but he pulls back and runs away.

Linda is torn between two men: Chris and Eric.  Chris proposes, she can't decide, so she says no.  He fires her because of the porno flick, so she'll either run back to Eric, or set out about life as an independent woman.

Carrie is posing as Hillary Michaels, bringing a gentleman caller to Hillary's home, to have sex in Hillary's bed, leaving someone out there walking through the streets of LA thinking he slept with Amanda Woodward's mommy.

Julie turns down love from an Owen Wilson on protein shakes look a like because he's broke, and bets that he can steel Adam/Reed from Monique.  Of course Monique is deepening her romance with Adam/Reed, sleeping with him on a deserted island, and threatens Julie.

If you're not watching Models, Inc. at this point, then what are you even really doing with your winter?

It's a rare, but not unheard of, doubled-up sponsor week where Mary and I both latched on to the same, relatively obscure moment of the show.

Also, Jo / Jake / Jess continue their love triangle, which could have a hotter conclusion if Jake and Jess weren't brothers.  Unless, maybe that's why they keep stressing that they're half brothers?  Jo and Jess try to keep it on the DL, but they end up doing it on the wall next to Sydney and she tells Jake.

Sydney makes a dangerous business deal with some drug dealers, so clearly Josie Bissett's constant complaints about having boring story lines was at least being heard, but not rectified.

Matt meets a new boyfriend!  This one is straight and a plastic surgeon who only works on burn victims.  MATT!  RUN!  When the writers of Melrose Place give you a sexy guy, things are not going to go well for you.  They did have a rather "explicist" scene where Matt and boyfriend are both topless in the same apartment, but not in the same room of course, that would be too much.

Kimberly breaks the Drill Sargeant's arm and is told she can leave camp today.  This morning.  Now.  Later, she is stealing a scene from one of those 90s witchcraft mean girls type movies by cutting the eyes out of Thomas Callabro's promo pictures surrounded by candles.  FIRE HAZARD ALERT!

Amanda gave Michael a restraining order which he said he did not need to follow because "Mancini Mathematics says half of nothing is nothing."

But, the gig is up for Alison,  Amanda successfully sets Alison up for a fall with the board, and her and Brooke pop champaign, loudly celebrating in the office that we've already established IS NOT SOUND PROOF.  Remember Brooke hearing Alison yelling at Billy from inside?  Surely Billy could tell what's happening as CHAMPAIGN POURS OUT FROM UNDER THE DOOR!

The queen is dead.  Long live the queen.

It's a very Merry Christmas Miracle - we have found puddle!  After all this time, over a year of searching, thirteen misfires, we are pretty sure that we've found the stuffed dog that won America's heart.  Please, let this be the case.  We follow a tip, an elaborate tale told in one tweet, of magic, mystery, and pages being "restorn" right there in the library.  A melted stuffed dog caps our tale of joy, delight, breaking curfew, and some January 6th nonsense.  

If you or anyone you know has information on the whereabouts of Puddle, please post to social media using #justiceforpuddle or email your hot tip to [email protected] Together, we will #findpuddle

This is our longest episode yet, and easily our most controversial.  

Melrose Place is setting the stage for the season three finale, and you can almost see the hand of the producers moving the chess pieces.  Either way, here we are.

Sydney Andrews is now PRESIDENT OF MANCINI DESIGNS and she confronts Amanda Woodward over the quality of the Mancini Designs Campaigns.

Jess and Jo continue their flirtation, and hook up by the dumpster where Jake was jumped by Jane's Boyfriend's Mob.

Kimberly has gone off to No More Victims (TM) and has found her mission in life.  (She is going to kill everyone and stand on the corpses of her enemies)

But the real story is at D&D.  Billy and Brooke hook up after Billy turns down Alison.  The palace intrigue is high, as Amanda successfully pitches a campaign for Mrs. Molly's Cookies that involves a high powered female executive leaping out a fifteenth story window, only to find out that the person she was making the pitch to ... well that's how his mother took her life.  So, Alison turns to Brooke and asks her to spy on Amanda.  Bad news, Alison...

Then, we have our most tasteless ad to date...