Michael Paul

Before writing this story, I reviewed my journal entries, therapy notes, and doctor notes. Tears brimmed occasionally as I remembered the raw and visceral emotions I had experienced on a roller-coaster ride that lasted about three years.

We spoke pleasantries for a few minutes in the kitchen, then walked into their living room. The woman asked me to sit down on the chair as she and her friend opened their notebooks. She reviewed the steps of Unbound Prayer, then asked me to tell my story.

This hour of prayer became my refuge and defense, and I looked forward to it each night. My mind was sticky, however, and I continued to worry about my heart.

Like much of this journey, I wasn’t expecting this prayer experience, but I accepted it as a gift. I didn’t expect the revelation I had on a slow walk before dawn the next morning on the beach. Nor did I expect the invitation from a retreatant to participate in…

I took the annual health assessment and told the nurse I was having homicidal and suicidal thoughts. The nurse told me to go to the base hospital. I met with a psychologist and went through the half-day suicidal protocols.

I couldn’t fall asleep. I couldn’t sleep on my back, and if I tried to sleep on either side, I heard my heartbeat. I knew what being scared to death meant. I was in Edgar Allen Poe’s A Tell-Tale Heart.

My anxiety nearly crippled me during the drive as fears exploded from within. My heart beat audibly, I twitched, I sang loudly to drown the sorrow...

In my dream, bands of angels were marching up both sides of the mountain rejoicing, singing, and blowing trumpets. The feeling that overshadowed me was a peace that surpassed all understanding.

I looked forward to the three-day summer retreat over Independence Day weekend. Since the knife accident, I hadn’t slept through the night without a sedative. During the retreat, however, the thought of sleeping in a bed wasn’t terrifying.

As I was somewhere between the conscious and subconscious realms, a heavy and cold force pulled me up. I lightened some as I felt my soul being taken from my body, but the feeling was dark.