Middle of Chaos™

For the first time on Middle of Chaos, I'm joined by a very special guest—my sister, Esther!

We grew up in the same household, shared many of the same experiences, and yet remember parts of our childhood very differently.

In this first conversation, we revisit stories from earlier episodes, including the infamous cow and sandbox incident, our family's dumpster-diving memories, childhood homes, and the teasing that left me believing I might have been adopted.

Esther fills in some of the blanks, shares memories I'd forgotten, and offers a perspective I never had growing up. But what makes this conversation especially meaningful is her honesty about our childhood relationship and the things neither of us fully understood at the time.

Two sisters. One childhood. Two different perspectives.

And this is only the beginning!

Some of my happiest childhood memories happened during the summers I spent with my grandparents by the ocean. In this episode, I go back to those weekends—fishing, clamming, crabbing, playing cards with the adults, my grandfather's practical jokes, and some of the simple moments that made those trips so special.

I also share a few memories I hadn't talked much about before, from a lightning strike near the campground and an unexpected first boyfriend to the times my sibling and I seemed to get along best. And, of course, I have to catch you up on life now—including a very unwelcome surprise waiting for me at my new place.

A conversation with my sibling brought up emotions and realizations I wasn't expecting. In this episode, I reflect on feeling heard and believed, the fears I still carry around rejection and being unwanted, and what it means to finally use my voice.

I also revisit stories from my childhood and look at them through a different lens—from the circumstances surrounding my birth to a time when I stopped speaking completely. Sometimes healing isn't about changing the past. It's about finally understanding how the pieces fit together and realizing just how far you've come.

The road trip continues, and this time you're riding along with me through a little bit of everything. I share an update on becoming a Clarity Breathwork practitioner, the story of my battle with Lyme disease and blood clots, a recent car accident, and some of the unexpected moments that happen when you're traveling across the country alone. There are caverns, Cadillac Ranch, a night sleeping in my car, a few memorable roadside stops, and finally—the beautiful landscapes of Arizona. Sometimes the journey isn't just about where you're going. It's about everything you discover along the way.

This episode is a little different—you’re coming along with me on a road trip across the country. As the miles pass, I look back at a time when I was ready to give up on church altogether, only to find a place that felt like the family and community I had been searching for. I became deeply involved, gave everything I could, and somewhere along the way, I lost parts of myself. Looking back now, I can see how that church helped me, shaped me, and, in some ways, held me back.

After high school, I thought I knew exactly where life was headed. Instead, I found myself juggling college, multiple jobs, searching for a church where I belonged, and discovering that the career I planned wasn't the one I ended up with. In this episode, I share the unexpected turns that shaped my early adult years and the lessons I learned along the way.

A listener's question about one of my teenage adventures sent me down memory lane. In this episode, I share stories involving unexpected visits from the police, getting stuck in a swamp, car accidents, traffic tickets, a suspended license, and the painful lesson I learned from a motorcycle exhaust. Looking back now, these are the kinds of stories that make me laugh—most of the time.

It's been a while since I've talked about my dad, mostly because there never seemed to be much to say. In this episode, I share the memories I do have—from flowers for the garden and card games to hunting trips, forgotten promises, and trying to understand the quiet role he played in my childhood.

Sometimes the people who shape us the most aren't the ones who speak the loudest.

Content Note: This episode contains discussion of depression, suicide, and family loss. Please listen with care.

My senior year was different. For a while, it actually felt like my mom and I were getting along. But that didn't mean life suddenly became easy.

In this episode, I share what graduation day was really like, the rumors spread about me at church, why I moved in with my aunt, and how my mom's own insecurities nearly damaged that relationship too.

Sometimes leaving home is the beginning of finding yourself—but it doesn't mean you've left the chaos behind.

Thank you for listening and for continuing this journey with me.

It's been a little while since my last episode, so thank you for sticking with me. I'm glad you're here. Between traveling abroad and getting back into the swing of things, this episode took a little longer than I had planned to share.

In this episode, I share a few stories I haven't talked about before, including Mother's Day, growing up, and some of the little moments that have stayed with me all these years.

Looking back now, I'm realizing that some of the smallest memories have had the biggest impact on who I became.