Mike Johnson, bless his heart, says he doesn’t “wanna get too spooky on you,” but it was God who made him the new Speaker of the US House.

He’s not asserting the fairly common belief, held by many Christians, that the Almighty plays a direct role in shaping people’s lives. No, no – Mike’s claim of divine selection is more singular, grandiose… and spooky. In a recent speech to a sect of Christian Nationalists, he confided that just prior to being chosen Speaker, God Hizownself had been awakening him every night for three weeks “to speak to me” about campaign strategy. Johnson says that while 13 other Republicans vied for the office, “the Lord kept telling me to wait, wait, wait.” Then God finally said, “Now step forward” and claim the gavel of power.

Why him, you might ask? Well, explains the ultra-right-winger, American culture has become “so dark and depraved it almost seems irredeemable.” So, says Mike, God needed a Christian purist to be “a new Moses” willing to lead America from the wickedness of abortion, gay marriage, and what the religious nationalists call “the ungodly effort to undermine our culture by Leftists.”

Mike went further, explaining that “[God] had been speaking to me about this, and the Lord told me very clearly to prepare and be ready.” But, says Mike, he was told not merely to take the nation’s third highest political office, but ready to guide the nation, Moses-like, through “a Red Sea moment.” So, all of us should get ready, for we now have a Trump-supporting, holy-rolling congress critter who actually believes he’s been chosen by God to part the perilous waters and take us from a diverse democracy to his theocratic Christian wonderland.

God help us – and please hurry!

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