Mindfulness at Work

Parents need support before, during and upon return to work form a leave. Company leaders need training for ways to manage their own Parental Leave Policies.Faiza, Claire and Cara from CPC discuss our thoughts in this episode Allison Whalen from Parentaly discusses the findings from their research in this article: https://www.fastcompany.com/91188012/this-is-the-top-concern-for-the-majority-of-women-who-take-parental-leave?lid=pgepr5i18u8a

We talk today about Darbe Saxbe term Mindfully Underparent. She suggested to let your kids be bored and go on errands with you.

At Cara Pollard Coaching, we've long recognized the mental health crisis affecting our children and have been sounding the alarm for years. The distress our kids are experiencing is deeply connected to the fact that their parents are not okay. The Surgeon General recently stated:" Parents who feel pushed to the brink deserve more than platitudes. They need tangible support. That’s why I am issuing a Surgeon General’s advisory to call attention to the stress and mental health concerns facing parents and caregivers, and to lay out what we can do to address them." He also emphasized, "The experience has taught me that parenting at its best is a TEAM SPORT. Reorienting our priorities in order to give parents and caregivers the support they need would do a lot to ensure the balance skews toward joy." At Cara Pollard Coaching, we specialize in bringing that joy back into people’s lives. Just as any great team needs an experienced coach, we guide parents and caregivers through the challenges they face, helping them find balance and fulfillment. The Surgeon General’s call for an advisory highlights the need for employers to implement training programs for managers on stress management and work-life balance. It also encourages healthcare professionals and social service groups to screen parents for mental health conditions.

Beth Kurzweil, Faiza Liban Diamond and Cara Pollard discuss his recent findings and how we can address the stressors at home and at work more mindfully.

Evan Harrel and Laura Berland are back as guests on Mindfulness At Work to further discuss Compassionate Leadership at work. They founded and lead the non-profit organization, Center for Compassionate Leadership, and help train leaders for many corporations.

In this episode, they explain the evidence and science behind the ability to relate to others in a compassionate way. They share that it starts in the way we see ourselves. It seems so simple but it's not. It's really difficult to relate to others in a healthy manner if we treat ourselves in challenging ways. In fact, there are over 2000 research studies related to the benefits of self-compassion. How does self-compassion heighten the levels of productivity at work or depth of relationships? It's in learning that we don’t need external validation to feel nurtured and supported.

In order to exemplify this concept and how it works, Laura shares a personal story about the wild success she experienced in an entrepreneurial venture and yet she still didn't feel satisfied or validated. She regrets missing out on calm moments with her son during this time. We can be tricked into thinking, “I’m doing all of this work for my son”,  but that's not the truest sentiment.

They also reference Dr. Kirsten Neff's work on self compassion. She has the most published, best research in the field, and the her website,self-compassion.org houses an entire section on familial relationships.

There is a direct tie between self-compassion, growth mindset, and resiliency. It all revolves around knowing when something doesn’t go the way we plan, how to proceed and survive it anyway. A self-compassionate person recognizes everything won’t work out just right all of the time but that they can and will recover. They learn from the situation so it isn’t costly for them in the future. Leaders are at their best when they are accepting of their own failures. They are modeling vulnerability and therefore, everyone can relate to them.

Jeff Weiner is a prime example of an executive chairman garnering amazing results for LinkedIn's culture and bottom line. He talks about his own transformation from being a difficult person without emotional intelligence skills to recognizing and becoming a compassionate leader. He has helped to bring those skills into the core values of LinkedIn. He is one of the most outspoken executives in the business world championing the importance of building a compassionate and truthful corporate culture. He learned it first-hand for himself and valued the results.

This is the type of transformation that takes place and feedback The Center for Compassionate Leadership receives from the participants in their resiliency training. 

People at the top of their organizations have the opportunity to be in community with other leaders who are feeling and experiencing shared challenges and that makes all the difference. An aspect of compassion work that people don’t talk about is that it can be viewed as a sign of weakness. However, all it takes is intention and practice to recognize that in every interaction if we hone our compassion skills it is actually a strength. 

Unfortunately, some leaders want the hack, to get from point A to point B and to jump over the pond of the inner work. Yet the growth is elicited by the muck below the surface. We must go through the muck to get out on the other side. As Margaret Mead states, "We shouldn’t teach people what to think, we should teach them how to think".

A warm thanks to Evan and Laura for their contributions. Register for The Center for Compassionate Leadership Resiliency Training this Fall.Do not miss it!

Listen to this informative episode of Mindfulness at Work with Laura Berland and Evan Harrel, the founders of The Center for Compassionate Leadership. Laura is the Center's Executive Director and she is a serial tech entrepreneur, former Fortune 500 executive, meditation teacher, yoga therapist, nonprofit founder/board member, executive mentor, and digital media veteran. Evan is the Center's Chief Operations Officer. He has an MBA from Harvard's Business School and has served in the nonprofit sector as the executive director for a group of inner-city Houston preschools. He was an investment manager for 20 years, where he managed a thirty-billion-dollar mutual fund. Wow -what a duo!

Their years of corporate experience combined with their expertise in the emerging field of compassionate leadership have informed the creation of their groundbreaking curriculum for executives and leaders. In this episode, our listeners learn what the non-profit, Center for Compassionate Leadership does and how it serves our world. Their focus is on training leaders, to use them as an important point of leverage, to help grow the ripples of compassion and mindfulness across the globe.

They teach that mindfulness is the foundation for all the transformational work they execute within a structure and how it is the basis for all of the trainings and consulting they do. It's an acute awareness that we all have access to but we need to cultivate, in order to see clearly and make decisions informed by wholeness. They teach why relationships and connection are innate human needs and how to access the benefits of both by engaging in an awareness of one's energy and thoughts. Organizations should begin putting their hearts around their goals and decisions. They should let go of traditional obstacles that don't serve our culture's desire to flourish as connected, safe human beings.

All of their work is a combination of evidence-based neuroscience and behavioral research, resulting in proactive, results-oriented leaders who want to apply a human-centered approach to enhance personal and organizational effectiveness.

Evan and Laura teach us why leadership always starts with self-compassion and explain how to practice the art of compassion. 

Leaders and Leadership qualities and traits can be harnessed in many ways but must include:

1) Intense self-awareness

2) Being approachable

3) Having the wisdom to act

4)Possessing the courage for establishing boundaries- for home, work, and for yourself- which is the very hardest.

They are excited to help in the creation of a new environment for the workforce. They know going "back" to work after the reopening will look different and might be hard, but there will also be a period of deep inquiry and growth opportunity. It will be rewarding to those who are responsive and will open up creativity for deeper problem solving. We can learn a new way of working together in order to heal from the collective grief we've all experienced over the past 18 months. Are you ready?

Please reach Laura or Evan for more information about The Center for Compassionate Leadership. We are all carrying forth the information that the Mental Health Awareness the Month of May presented to us, and now it's time to apply solutions and support in the Month of June and beyond. Their work will help us all in taking action steps to do so.

In this episode, we talk with Christina Glickman about the power of community and why being a bright light for others is her life's goal. Christina recently wrote the book, xtra the art of being. She wants other people to see that she's OK just being herself, in case they want to try the same for themselves. The book and her community following, are for strong, loving, purpose-driven women that are looking to step into life with unapologetic confidence. In the realization that she doesn’t know everything, her self-confidence deepens. The book has great stories and so many beautiful pictures. The pictures were taken, not for the purpose of using them in the book but just to take them. They ended up being perfect for it. Writing the book was more about the journey and the process. She wasn’t attached to the outcome of publishing the book or what it would garner. She learned so much by just doing it. One quote from the book that reflects this philosophy is,

“The world is aching for you to do what you love. Look for it. Find it. Hold onto it. Then let it go when it doesn’t give you joy. The search is real happiness. The search is what’s brave, finding it isn’t.” She wants people to show up in this world with hopes and dreams and know the only one holding them back is themselves. She wants to show others that in having permission to open up in the world and in being vulnerable, that they will receive.

She thinks mothers need to share more authentic stories about their trials and tribulations. It’s really hard to have kids in this world who are being taught that the end result is paramount to their existence. It’s truly destroying our children and it's all based on our own parenting fears. Kids can’t live up to the standards we put on them. They just need to be who they are. Christina thinks if you want your kids to be kind, empathetic, and compassionate then you need to be kind and compassionate. There’s nothing better than a role model.

Christina asks herself a couple of questions each day: Am I joyful? Do my kids feel OK? Does my husband? Did I do something to make someone feel better? And if she answers yes to those questions, she knows that she’s living a life well-lived. One reason she’s able to show up in the world in this way is that her father made her feel special, safe, and seen. She has a strong sense of self and that came from her feeling that she’s good enough. 

We also discuss the non-traditional names of her children, her iconic hairstyle, and how she’s emboldened and buoyed by her decisions for both. If she's sure that the names she's chosen for her children are because they are right for her, then she can handle all of the comments and side-eyed looks she receives. And, therefore, stand by them. The more people tell her to change her hair, the more it comes to define her and she wants to keep it. So much so, that she provides a beautiful parenting success story for us to learn from. In the face of hurt, tears, and pain she graciously explains why she's keeping her hairstyle for herself to her 2nd-grade daughter even though her daughter's friend told her how weird her mom is for having it.

Her favorite quote from the book is: “Here’s is what I know. That I don’t know. There is power in the unknown. Sit in the I don’t know. It’s a confident place to be. Trust me."  We trust you, Christina, thanks for living out your philosophies loud and proud and showing us that being extra is an art!

Follow her on Instagram: @christinaglickman Join her community: Xtra: The Membership Program Purchase her book, Xtra: The Art of Being

DM her on Instagram for coaching or speaking engagements

Jim Cogan is a published author, a yoga instructor and the CEO/Owner of James Cogan Wellness. Jim’s new book, Dude Get a Clue was born out of his realizations and experiences as a white male in America and one of the structural problems in society: white male privilege.  He believes men have lost their compass and this loss of direction has created what he calls a “decency deficit.” No preaching here. Dude is definitely not a self-help book, and Jim is not demonizing men, but rather offering insight on how to restore decency back into our national dialog. Decency between genders, races, parties,etc.

In his experience, when faced with fear or anxiety, men resort to isolationism, man caves, pandemic notwithstanding. There is value to solitude, but when it becomes a cave where you are removing yourself from the dialog – from loved ones, society – no good can come from that. Men don’t know they need to offer help and ask for help. They tend to mistake empathy and kindness with weakness. At Mindfulness at Work and Cara Pollard Coaching, we have found the men we work with might present as tough and angry but they can be very kind and caring. They just have to be shown how to tap into that side and may need help in designing a plan to do so.

Jim wants men to understand that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. He encourages men to be curious about the great world around us. Get out of the man cave! As he says in the book “if Tony Soprano can ask for help any guy can.“

Our discussion touches upon ego – moving from ego to essence. So many people (not just men) reside in their ego. We must work at understanding the concept of our own essence; we don’t just one day wake up in our essence. Jim opens up about his own experience with therapy and how it helped him realize his true self and how he learned self-forgiveness and self-acceptance. “For me, self-forgiveness was Step 1”, Jim explains. He encourages practicing self-forgiveness as opposed to chronically beating yourself up. Laugh at yourself as you would with a dear friend. Be a dear friend to yourself.

As a yogi with a master’s in health, Jim also shares his thoughts on the physical and mental health benefits of yoga and meditation. Practicing yoga brings you more in touch with you – not just your body  –  your essence, your breath.  When you practice just being you, you become more accepting of yourself. Studies of brain wave patterns have proven that meditation brings you away from lower brain (rage, lust, fear) and into higher brain functions such as compassion. When you practice yoga, you are more aware of energy, yours and that of others. In Jim’s journey he realized the human condition and how much of our energy is comprised of fear, noting how fearful many are of yoga. “It’s amazing to me: a culture that is so passive, not harmful, not aggressive in any way, can actually feel like an intimidating world to enter.”

You can be a dude who doesn’t have a clue and live a life that may not be as joyous or thriving, but you can get a clue. In Dude Get a Clue, Jim suggests many ways to live a more purposeful life.

Dude Get a Clue is scheduled to be published in May 2021. Visit dudegetaclue.com or jamescoganwellness.com or follow James Cogan Wellness on Facebook or Instagram.

Griffin and I discuss college graduation in 2020, how it was different for all, and what he missed most. We further discuss all the other things 2020 has uncovered; including anxiety, the need for therapy, and unbridled resilience.  In this economy, recent college graduates had to manage their expectations for securing a job.... as did their parents. If a graduate was lucky enough to get a job, they may even be struggling to adapt to a new city because they may be a lot lonelier than they would have before Covid. Some of his peers are having a hard time. Therefore, people his age are aware of the need to reach out to do a meaningful check-in with friends and family.

 He goes on to explain why support is paramount to success. He shares how and why therapy helped him from further spiraling into a chronic state of anxiety after he experienced panic attacks in college. He thinks anxiety is a prevalent issue for many 18-20-year-old college-age kids. He thought he was the only one who was experiencing this and his therapist suggested he ask around. To his surprise, he found that many, or most of his friends, feel the same way. He acknowledges that talking about problems, especially as males, really helps to normalize it, instead of perpetuating the stigma against therapy or emotional support. Support in groups, for helping males emotionally, is really great for people so they can learn that others are also struggling. Griffin recommends therapy and he thinks 100% of people agree that therapy and support groups are necessary but only 50 % of people engage in it.  

He shares that parents should always be there for their kids, even if their kids say, "Shut up I can't talk right now". They can help their boys tap into their emotional side even if they are presenting as distant, disconnected, and angry. Parents should always be available to their kids and patient with them. They should always offer tools including access for talking to someone, and they should always offer their own presence.

Do parents know when that when they are anxious and worried about their teens, their teens are assuming it means their parents think they are a failure? Griffin thinks parents can learn to live in a middle ground of expressing that there are standards their kids need to live up to be but they don't need to push the kids to be something they don't want to be.

When it comes to racial inequalities and systematic racism, Griffin has tried to listen more and to learn more. He knows he has a long way to go, but he also thinks engaging in hard, uncomfortable conversations is vitally important. He needs to ask more questions of himself to try to be better. He also acknowledges that the learning doesn't stop and that he must listen and contribute to being an anti-racist every day. He has to keep working at it so that as a society we can change.

Groupthink is incredibly dangerous and males can sometimes engage in destructive behavior when they are together. He thinks it's imperative to try to be an upstander in these instances. He professes there are males who try to do the right thing and that is more prevalent than people give them credit for. And he continues that Groupthink can be turned onto its head for good things too. There is power in working together for right, for a good cause, rather than wrong. In order to contribute, and inspire the good kind of groupthink, he suggests finding an ally. This is especially helpful if groupthink goes into a destructive and hurtful mode. He knows there is strength in numbers and more often than not, there is someone else who wants to do the right thing. 

He thinks it's up to you to find the support you need for all things 2020 and when you do, you'll live a happier more productive life. The awareness of it all is clearer now that it's nearing the end of 2020.

If you would like to be a guest, please contact [email protected]

Are you feeling anxious? Are your kids? If the answer is YES, we aren't surprised. In this conversation with Dr. John Duffy, we break down the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to anxiety. Most importantly, we talk about how your anxiety, as a parent, affects your kids. You may be forging a path for how they will always relate to anxiety and stress in their life. Not only are they learning- in the now but they may carry these habits for a very long time. And right now we are feeling an epidemic proportion of stress and anxiety. In fact, as the coronavirus spreads so does our collective feeling of strife. Listen to the episode for some relief and ideas as to why you are feeling it and how to deal with it.

John asks that we all check three things; our ego, our fear, and our judgment when it comes to our kids. We can ask ourselves to check their presence in any of our relationships. I believe those three things get in our way because we are projecting our own fears, ego, and judgment onto our kids. They become the receptacle for many of our anxious feelings. 

John also explains how anxiety can be a motivator for performance. The Yerkes-Dodson law suggests that elevated arousal levels can improve performance up to a certain point but at the point when arousal becomes excessive, performance diminishes. Many of us are operating in a state of high anxiety and low-performance on the downside of the bell curve. That's where the downward spiral of anxiety sets in and we become anxious about our anxiety.

How do you feel about the way you were parented? Do you want to be a different kind of parent? Parents have the best intentions but their actions don't always reflect those same intentions. You can start by asking yourself if you are connected to your kids or if you are treating them like a check a list. Are you teaching confidence, resilience, tenacity, and grit or are you rescuing them all the time? If so, that's where their anxiety may be coming from. Rescuing them or preventing them from ever feeling uncomfortable isn't reality. They will stop trying new things. Doing things they aren't necessarily great at, fosters a growth mindset and resiliency. Yet we save them from their own anxiety. A mantra I ask parents to remember, in terms of anxiety, is "In trying to fix it, we exacerbate it, and in trying to rid it, we perpetuate it."

John is the best go-to expert for teaching, in understandable terms, how stress is damaging us, why anxiety is prevalent, and what to do about it.

Listen to his relevant and important contributions.

John Duffy, Psy.D., a highly sought-after clinical psychologist, bestselling author, podcaster, and parenting and relationship expert. He hosts a  podcast with Chicago Tribune Columnist, Heidi Stevens, called “On Purpose: The Heidi Stevens and Dr. John Duffy Podcast.” He also hosts another podcast, "Better", with his amazing wife,  life partner, and co-author, Julie Duffy.

His latest book timely Parenting the New Teen I the Age of Anxiety

In this episode, we also refer to The Available Parent - go get them both!

Nicole Telfer from EmpoweredKidsTV uses her media education platform to empower parents to reduce conflict, heal, and connect in their homes. Nicole started Empowered Kids’ TV because when she needed advice and help for her own parenting, she mistakenly thought she could get it from the experts who were often on TV. She realized these "stars" didn't really know much about parenting and the actual real experts were doing deep research and she wanted to find a way to showcase them. They aren’t people just having success in the moment, when the cameras are on, but people who really know how to help parents. After featuring them on the platform, she now asks herself and others, what actions and habits can we take to develop and enhance our family without being overwhelmed by dealing with ourselves? It was a journey for her to arrive there and answer her own questions and of course, her journey continues.

One piece of parenting advice she gives is, connection is key. Not “connection” as a buzz word that it’s starting to become, but by tapping into your own default state, better known as your highest state. This is the state when you are at your truest self. Her own awareness of connection grew over time. She discovered connection isn’t just spending time together, in proximity but an understanding of yourself first. One of the most surprising things she learned from the experts she's interviewed, comes from Byron Katie. Her radical concept that you don’t have to believe your own thoughts made a great impact on Nicole. She also was surprised by learning from Dan Siegel that your entire being within itself is connected. The words you use, your body language, the tone of your voice, the twinkle in your eyes, can all create connection to the inside and the outside of your body. When we learn to use our bodies like a foreign language to communicate, we’ve really started to have a self-understanding. That connection to our own communication then spreads out to other people around us so that they are allowed to be connected to themselves.

With the anxiety that is occurring today, we are often in a state of fight, flight, or freeze which puts us immediately into disconnection. We don’t have safe access to fluffy things. Fluffy things allow us to daydream, to visualize, to feel safe etc. If you feel unsafe, as is part of our DNA, " to run from tigers", we experience disconnectedness. We may, for example, mistakenly ignite our fight or flight response when our boss says he wants to talk to us. The same response occurs when a parent stands over a child intimidating and yelling at them. It ignites a feeling of being unsafe. When we feel safe and connected with self-compassion we then have the power to change, to grow, to be resilient, to have grit, and to be self-soothing. Safety equals access to fluff.  When we feel safe, emotionally, we can tap learning things like grit, and therefore, cognition is high. A parent’s inability to use the tools to connect ignites more power struggles and conflict. However, when a parent learns how to communicate and connect to themselves during high-stress situations, it helps their children. With all this in mind, Nicole has released the Connected Parent’s Behaviour Guide for Little Kids. This is a guidebook with tools for parents. It offers ways to tap into your intuition and connection and to use that as your own manual for parenting. Get your free guidebook here:

http://academy.empoweredkidstv.com/parent-guide/?ref=cara%40carapollardcoaching.com

To learn more about Nicole or to reach her: https://academy.empoweredkidstv.com/