Miss Gender (audio)

Remember back in 2015 when Ashley put in a two-years-out down payment for bottom surgery with Dr. Bowers? Well, that two years later is now now, and Ashley has just gone through gender-confirmation surgery with Dr. Bowers, and she and Jay talk through its ups and downs.

Ashley thinks back to her facial-feminization surgery in 2014, and she recalls letting her parents know about that upcoming surgery and their reaction at the time of near indifference. In contrast, a few months ago when Ashley let her parents know about her gender-confirmation surgery, they seemed much more receptive -- although they weren't quite fully enthusiastic either. But in a moment that surprised Ashley, her mom offered that she'd be open to coming with Ashley for surgery if she didn't already have someone to go with her.

Fortunately, Ashley did have someone to go with her. Dinah, one of Ashley's longtime friends, generously offered that Ashley could stay at her apartment in San Francisco during her recovery, and Ashley quite happily took her up on it. Ashley knew that she'd be stuck in the hospital for a few days after her surgery, and she was super grateful to be able to stay spend her post-hospital time hanging out with Dinah and her boyfriend Joe in their comfy apartment rather than being cooped up in a hotel room.

Jay and Ashley talk through the surgery itself along with the pre-surgery gantlet of the bowel-prep that Ashley had to go through. In the process of chatting about the gallon of liquid that Ashley had to guzzle, Jay and Ashley get to thinking that barium might have been one of its ingredients, but having checked on that later, it would seem that magnesium citrate might be the more likely active ingredient.

As for the surgery itself, Ashley made it through swimmingly. Ashley was on bedrest for the first two days after her surgery, but having brought along her iPhone, her iPad, and a few comic books to the hospital, Ashley didn't struggle to stave off boredom. She wasn't in too much pain during her stay at the hospital, though her regular doses of Percocet probably helped with that. On top of that, a number of Ashley's friends from the Bay Area -- including Carla, Jeff, Matt, and Julie -- visited her in the hospital, which did wonders to lift her spirits.

Three days after her surgery, Ashley was cleared to leave the hospital. At that point, she was still tethered to a catheter bag, which she had to drag around with her until her follow-up appointment, which was a few days later. And at that point, her vagina was full of post-surgery packing as well. So while Ashley relished being able to hang out at Dinah's cozy apartment, the first few days of her post-hospital recovery still had some tough moments.

At the post-surgery checkup at Dr. Bowers' office, they took out the packing from Ashley's vagina, which felt to her a bit like the magician's trick where they pull a seemingly endless stream of handkerchiefs out of their fist. And then after that, they taught Ashley how to dilate, which is a process of inserting medical-grade dildos into one's new vagina to prevent it from healing shut. Ashley grouses to Jay about the tedium of dilating, but she also concedes that she'd much rather go through the monotony of dilating her new vagina than to not have one at all. Still, Ashley is looking forward to the coming months when she'll be able to pare down her dilating schedule from three times a day to two times a day (and eventually being able to pare it down even more).

From there, Ashley shares some keen makeup jobbies that she has come across. First up is Urban Decay's Naked Skin Color Correcting Fluid, which makes use of the principles of the color wheel to cancel out skin tones that one might be looking to minimize. Ashley also goes over her recent find of a new concealer, MAC's Matchmaster Concealer.

After Ashley's wobbly visit with her parents over Independence Day weekend (http://www.missgender.com/2015/08/are-things-getting-better-s02e12/) in which her parents carelessly outed Ashley to her brother's parents-in-law, Ashley came to realize that her parents weren't using her pronouns when she wasn't around. So she decided to write a third letter to her parents.

Ashley sent her letter in early November with the hope that maaaybe her parents might give some thought to practicing her name and pronouns before she came to visit for Thanksgiving -- especially since a bunch of Ashley's sister-in-law's family were coming to visit for Thanksgiving, and Ashley dreaded the thought of her parents nonchalantly outing her to them one by one as her parents chatted to them throughout the day.

Oddly enough, Ashley's parents didn't seem all that interested in talking through her letter before she arrived, so she didn't quite know what to expect going into her visit. But to her pleasant surprise, Ashley's parents seemed to make an earnest effort with her name and pronouns -- maybe they actually did a little practicing after all? However her parents made their progress, Ashley just hopes that their efforts aren't another flash in the pan.

Ashley also chats with Jay about a few makeup finds. MAC's Select Moisturecover Concealer (http://www.maccosmetics.com/product/13844/964/Products/Makeup/Face/Concealer/Select-Moisturecover) has been holding its own as Ashley's long-time concealer, but she also recently came across Kat Von D's Lock-It Concealer (http://www.sephora.com/tattoo-concealer-P231113). She discovered that each concealer has its own uses, so Ashley ends up hanging on to both of them.

After reading The Sweet Home's mascara comparison (http://thesweethome.com/reviews/best-mascara/), Ashley decided to give Buxom's Lash Waterproof Mascara (http://www.sephora.com/buxom-lash-waterproof-mascara-P374159) a shot. Ashley was a little worried about the "waterproof" part -- because sometimes waterproof mascaras can be a bit of a bear to remove. But Ashley's impressed with the extent that Buxom's mascara manages to avoid flaking without being impervious to makeup remover at the end of the day.

(Ashley's polish in this episode is Tartan Punk from CND's gel line (http://www.blingfinger.net/2015/09/cnd-vinylux-contradictions.html). We aren't being paid to say this -- just thought maybe you'd like to know.)

Ashley went to see her parents over Independence Day weekend. Her brother Adrian, and his wife and parents-in-law were also there, so Ashley felt some reassurance that even if her parents weren't any better with her name and pronouns, at least the support from the other visitors would able to make up for it a bit.

Ashley chats with Jay about visiting her parents in December. They didn't use her birthname during the trip, but they didn't call her Ashley that often, either. Worse, it seems as if her parents are putting on an act while she's around -- because after they think she's out of hearing range, they go right back to using the wrong pronouns. So Ashley isn't sure whether it might be worth writing them another letter or perhaps trying another tack.

Jay and Ashley discuss voice coaching and future surgeries, what bra size Ashley would ideally like, and whether a corset might fun to wear sometimes.

Jay learns about Sally Hansen's Miracle Gel (http://imabeautygeek.com/2014/07/04/sally-hansen-miracle-gel-review-swatches/), a polish line that's supposed to offer gel-like resilience but without the need to use a UV light (like a traditional gel polish would). And from there, Ashley tells Jay about the Nails Inc corrector pen (http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?productId=xlsImpprod6500183) that she recently picked up -- the pen is filled with nail-polish remover so that it sort of acts like Wite-Out but for nail-polish typos. What a score.

(Ashley's polish in this episode is Barbados Blue from Essie (http://www.essie.com/Colors/blues/barbados-blue.aspx). We aren't being paid to say this -- just thought maybe you'd like to know.)

Ashley and Jay talk about Ashley's travels over the last few months, including the family reunion she attended in July, her brother's wedding in August, and her dad's 70th birthday in October.

Her extended family at the reunion were super accepting, always using Ashley's correct name and pronouns. Her parents, unfortunately, still haven't made the switch 100%.

At her brother's wedding, Ashley felt totally included among the other women, especially when they all went to get their hair done. Her Mom and Dad were generally charming and nice, but there were a couple times when they went back to using her old pronouns, and didn't seem to notice. Maybe the liquor had something to do with that?

Ashley went to visit her folks for Thanksgiving, and they invited a friendly crowd of uncles, aunts, and cousins, who provided a healthy buffer around her. But once again, her parents' tally of proper name and pronouns fell short.

Jay learns about Too Faced Lip Insurance (https://www.toofaced.com/p/lip-primers/lip-insurance/), a lipstick primer from the same company that makes the excellent Too Faced Shadow Insurance (Ashley's go-to eyeshadow primer). And Ashley shares her discovery about how applying thinner coats of nail polish can help make your nail polish more durable.

(Ashley's polish in this episode is Style Maker from Sally Hansen's Miracle Gel line (http://imabeautygeek.com/2014/07/04/sally-hansen-miracle-gel-swatches-47-shades/). We aren't being paid to say this -- just thought maybe you'd like to know.)

Ashley gives Jay all the details about her recent trip to Argentina for her FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) with Dr. Di Maggio, and the amazing help she got from her friend Andrea (on Twitter @ButtermilkPecan) while recovering and getting settled in a strange city.

Like any surgery, it wasn't a walk in the park, but Ashley was pleasantly surprised that there wasn't much pain, and she had no complaints about her relatively smooth recovery, which Ashley credits to her doctor's delicate approach.

Ashley introduces Jay to Solar Oil from CND, a brush-on nail conditioner that -- although she's only been using it for about a week so far -- seems to be helping to keep Ashley's cuticles happy.

Not wanting to make a big mess in her luggage with lotion that comes in a pump, Ashley found Aveeno's Daily Moisturizing Lotion, which has plenty of moisturizing but doesn't leave a greasy feel behind.

(Ashley's nail polish in this episode is It's Up to Blue from Orly. We aren't being paid to say this -- just thought you'd like to know.)

Ashely visited her parents in December and it didn't go as well as November did. Huh?

Ashley plans to spend Thanksgiving with her aunt and uncle, unless her parents agree to start calling her by her correct name.

Ashley's parents still refuse to call her Ashley, so she tries to explain how it important it is one last time.

Ashley visited her parents at the beginning of winter. Over her previous visit for Thanksgiving, she had heaps of support from visiting relatives, but this time Ashley had fewer allies -- mostly just her brother, who gets her name and pronouns right all the time.

Her parents still use the wrong pronouns, and Ashley thought it might be because they didn't know how much it hurts her. Wanting to remove any doubt, she braced for confrontation and told them how deeply hurt she feels when someone refers to her with male pronouns. She was shocked when her parents reacted with indifference.

In addition to the pronoun problem, Ashley's parents have switched to using a childhood nickname for her instead of the name she chose. She was okay with that for a while, but she's come to realize that her parents still use her birth name when she's not around.

Ashley wonders whether writing a letter would work better than her attempt to ask them person, although a similar letter last spring didn't seem to have much effect.

Ashley laments that L'Oreal's Double Extend Mascara with Beauty Tubes tend to irritate her contact lenses, so she went to look for an alternative. She got a recommendation from her hair stylist for Smashbox's Full Exposure Mascara, and discovered that it worked well for her without irritating her contacts in the same way that L'Oreal's mascara did.

Ashley also offers a positive review for Urban Decay's All Nighter Makeup Setting Spray, which you can spray onto your face after you apply your makeup -- but before applying any mascara -- to help your makeup last throughout the day. Ashley mentions that Urban Decay's Makeup Setting Spray makes a difference on those days where her makeup really has to last.

(Ashley's nail polish in this episode is Aruba Blue from Essie. We aren't being paid to say this -- just thought maybe you'd like to know.)