This week, I am joined by the “Lube Fairy” herself, Cindy Scharkey, RN, BSN, to talk about a much-misunderstood, underrated, and “hard to find” body part: The clitoris.
What is it? Why doesn’t it get enough credit? And what are we missing about our own pleasure?
THE TABOO
In this episode we dive into sexual pleasure — specifically, the widespread ignorance, silence, and shame surrounding the clitoris, arousal, and women’s right to enjoy sex on their own terms, plus:
* The cultural erasure of the clitoris and female anatomy from sex education
* The myth that sex is (or should be) centered around penetration and male pleasure
* The shame many women feel about needing time, lube, or different types of stimulation
* The silence around pleasure in midlife and menopause
* The discomfort around self-pleasure, communication, and asking for what you want
LINKS + RESOURCES
* The OhNut Depth-Limiting Rings by The Pelvic People
* Überlube
📘 Book Recommendations
* Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Lori Brotto, PhD
* Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, PhD
* The Body Is Not An Apology: The Power of Radical Self Love by Sonya Renee Taylor
* The Wisdom of Your Body: Finding Healing, Wholeness, and Connection through Embodied Living by Hillary L McBride, PhD
TIME STAMPS
* 3:40 – Cindy’s journey from labor and delivery nurse to sex educator
* 9:30 – “What is a clitoris?” The cultural joke around “the clit”
* 18:00 – Beginner’s guide to arousal and pleasure
* 19:40 – “The Arousal Ladder” – Slow buildup vs. media myths
* 21:10 – “Your brain is your biggest sex organ” – Dual Control Model (accelerator & brake)
* 25:20 – Mental load, chores, and “chore-play” as arousal
* 32:00 – Desire vs. arousal explained + “Is the sex you’re having worth wanting?”
* 39:15 – “Mindfulness starts outside the bedroom” – citing Dr. Lori Brotto’s research
* 51:20 – Listener Q: How to keep libido up midlife? → Find menopause-literate providers, use lube, arouse all erectile tissue
* 57:45 – Communication: “It’s a learnable skill – don’t bring the whole bucket”
* 59:00 – Mutual masturbation as a teaching tool and self-pleasure as a way to relearn your body after birth or menopause
* 1:03:40 – “Why are women obsessed with romantasy?”
* 1:12:00 – What’s in Cindy’s bag?
THE GUEST EXPERT
Cindy Scharkey, RN, BSN, has been consistently exposed to the taboo and silence surrounding women’s sexuality over nearly four decades in healthcare as a Certified Childbirth Educator, OB/GYN nurse, and speaker.
She is passionate about providing women with the education and self-confidence they need to find freedom on their own sexual wellness journey.
* Cindy’s website: Sexual Health with Cindy Scharkey
* 📘 Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden
* 🎧 Permission for Pleasure Podcast
ACTION ITEMS
* 🧠 Learn your anatomyLook up a diagram of the vulva and clitoris. Know what parts you actually have, and what they do.
* 🕰 Give yourself transition timeBefore sex, take a shower, light a candle, change your clothes, dance to a song …. anything to shift gears from caregiving or work mode.
* 🐢 Slow down arousalAim for at least 20 minutes. More time = more blood flow = more sensation = better orgasm.
* 💧 Use lube (no shame!)Friction is not your friend. Lubricant can change everything, especially during perimenopause and menopause.
* 🪜 Remember the arousal ladderDon’t expect to jump from zero to orgasm. You climb, step by step.
* 🧠 Explore your brakes and acceleratorsAsk: What turns me off? What helps me feel turned on? Mental load, stress, or pain might be pressing your brake.
* 📚 Read or listen to eroticaTry books or audio like Dipsea to build arousal without pressure—just for you.
* 🧴 Try morning sex or post-exercise sexYour hormones are usually more cooperative, and your blood flow is already going.
* 💬 Talk to your partner (outside the bedroom!)Use a podcast or book as a convo starter. Start with one idea at a time.
* 🪞Practice self-pleasureGet to know what your body likes, especially after a baby or in midlife when things might feel different.
* 🧘♀️ Use your sensesPractice being sensual (not necessarily sexual) — notice smells, textures, sounds. Pleasure starts with presence.
* 🩺 If sex is painful, get helpPain is not normal. Talk to a menopause-trained provider or pelvic floor therapist.
SOURCES
The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of "great sex."
Virtual Reality Erotica: Exploring General Presence, Sexual Presence, Sexual Arousal, and Sexual Desire in Women
Get full access to Modern Hysteria at micahlarsen.substack.com/subscribe
