Moonies Never Say Die Hard!

Football and the holidays go together like a relative leaving the Thanksgiving table/leaving the Christmas table/leaving mid-argument at either one of those tables to go watch a football game. Hallmark knows this. That’s why the’ve once again teamed up with the NFL—and apparently the American Cornhole Association—to bring you the third in their “Holiday Touchdown” movie series, “A Bears Love Story.” That’s right, THE Chicago Bears of “Super Bowl Shuffle” fame, featuring past and present players in a movie that had us crunching the numbers to find out just how much of a life/career/family one must give up to attend 500 football games. There’s also love! Dipped Italian beef! A four-time Academy Award-Winning actress! A primer into cult induction! And the sudden resurgence of the printed word. So join us—and Santa!—as we discuss “Holiday Touchdown: A Bears Love Story.”

Remember "Just One of the Guys"? Remember "Mrs. Doubtfire"? Remember your high school class ON "Twelfth Night"? Keep all those memories close and fond to your heart because "My Secret Santa" is about to try and steal the plot points from them all. In fact, we got so confused we'd routinely forget the name of this movie, constantly but not purposely referring to it as "Just One of the Santas." What does that say about just how memorable this movie—whose title escapes us once again—is? Well, "Mr. Doubtfire"—which we now almost referred to as "Mr. Belvedere" and whatever happened to the actor who played youngest son Wesley on that show and now we've completely forgotten about what movie we're talking about. Again. That is to say this podcast goes off on A LOT of tangents because once a movie's main character seems to forget that both social security numbers and the Internet exist, we can only focus on it so much. But really, thank you for tuning in to another year of our reviews! We hope you have a very happy holiday and a very great new year! 

From 2007 to 2009 Harlequin Books published FORTY NASCAR-sanctioned romance novels with such titles as "Checkered Past" (Get it?) and "Speed Dating" (GET IT?). Now Hallmark has one-upped the sports cross-marketing machine with not only a series of NFL-licensed "Holiday Touchdown" Christmas movies but a veritable MCU-style shared universe of characters—including an ever-present Santa! It all started last year with "Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story," which we did not watch. But we come back strong with this year's "Holiday Touchdown: A Bills Love Story," featuring a huge roster of past and present Buffalo Bills players, a rather sizeable role for the Bills coach, and a story that features absolutely none of the Bills in the titular romance no matter how much you may have shipped the teammates. But if you like football, "Sopranos" cast members, and fall within that rather specific Venn diagram of "ER" and "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" fans, then THIS is the yuletide treat for you. Point is, watch "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" again. It was a great show. Happy Sportsball!

Sometimes you come across a modern streaming Christmas movie that just does it better than most. Yes, it has all the tropes. Yes, you know what will happen. And yet somehow with multiple Chekov guns, SEVERAL sidekicks, and a woefully under-budgeted CGI bunny, this week's holiday film—"Champagne Problems"—proved a complete joy to watch. 

HOWEVER, "Champagne Problems" was not our first choice for this week's movie. That was "A Very Jonas Christmas Movie," in which three very rich, full-grown men somehow can't get across the f***ing Atlantic in time for the holidays. We got 20 minutes into it before we tapped out. But we talk about those twenty minutes, so you don't spend minute one with that movie. 

Have you ever wondered what “Fight Club” would be like as a Hallmark Christmas movie? So did we for about two acts of "A Very Merry Ex-Mas." But what this film lacks in Tyler Durden it more than makes up for in Chet. In fact, whenever Chet isn’t on screen all the other characters should be saying “Where’s Chet?” So come for a family’s one last Christmas together amid narratively-mandated secrets. But stay to see if the movie ends with Chet and Helena Bonham Carter holding hands as they watch the literal collapse of the capitalism debt structure.

Male striptease—is there anything it can't make better? From helping unemployed steelworkers in "The Full Monty" make some crucial money and save themselves to helping a family in this week's "Kevin and Ces Annual Holiday Movie Quadruple Feature Podcast" feature make some crucial money and save their performance venue, male stripping has been the backbone of our economy and our nation. Well, two nations, England and the USA. Well, probably several more nations. Okay, this is getting unwieldy. Anyway, join us as we question the business practice of a 365 day-a-year Broadway Christmas show and inadvertently celebrate Rex Manning Day with the yuletide revue "The Merry Gentlemen."

It's a Pentatonix Christmas movie as Pentatonix plays Pentatonix singing Pentatonix Christmas songs while helping two Pentatonix fans find true Pentatonix love at a Pentatonix show during this most cherished Pentatonix holiday season in a charming film about the importance of securing concert tickets as quickly as possible.

Did you ever watch Frosty, the Grinch or Heat Miser and think "I'd do him"? Well, then Netflix—and the Kevin and Ces Annual Holiday Movie Quadruple Feature Podcast—bring you the perfect tepid mug of cocoa with this year's streaming smash, "Hot Frosty." Yes, when a young widow places a used scarf on a six-pack snowman, the sexy Faulknerian man-child of her dreams comes to life. Throw in seasonal shenanigans, holiday hi-jinks, part of the cast of "Brooklyn Nine-Nine," and inadvertent simulated sex with—not in—a car, and you have the makings of a Christmas classic your family can listen to Kevin and Ces talk about year after year (but mostly this one). Here's hoping you all find your own Frosty this season. Enjoy! 

It's been a hell of a season two—David's brother, Maddie's parents, Agnes almost certainly still keeping a baby that doesn't belong to her. Casinos in Buenos Aires, flashbacks to the 1940s, trips to the, um, mall. Whoopi Goldberg! Orson Welles! Cousin Larry from "Perfect Strangers"! Magical leprechauns, massive Rolodexes, multiple fourth-wall breaks. Funerals, faked funerals, funerals for a fake spouse, funeral car chase. SO MANY BIG-FINISH CHASE SEQUENCES. And now we close out the season with not only another big-finish—TWO episode recaps that each include their own chase—but also our podcast's own big BREAKING NEWS that you can only get here before reading it in the "Moonlighting" paper of choice, the Los Angeles Tribune, or scoring it like hot gossip at the next California Investigator’s Annual Banquet and Ball. So put on your most satin sleepwear, sit on your biggest whitest couch, look up at a portrait of Maddie (or yourself if you bought one with office funds), and reflect with us on the wonderful times we've had together before we get an offer from Lou LaSalle we simply can't refuse. 

As always, this episode is brought to you by Zini's Italian Restaurant.

When an escort’s mob-connected client mumbles upcoming hits in his sleep, she tells David, who in turn uses the intel to catch the killers. Or stop them before they commit the crime, which is sort of like the first draft of “Minority Report” minus eye-replacement surgery. Soon David is the toast of the town, beloved by the police, the mayor, and the entire city of LA. In fact, the only person who isn’t happy is Maddie, who feels having sources and employing data is cheating when it comes to detective work. Oh, will these two ever get along? Well, briefly, until Maddie punches David so hard he goes through a wall. It all comes together in an episode that will having you asking “What?” saying “But…” and knowing that using Pet Shop Boys’ “West End Girls” must have been pretty pricey in the mid-1980s.

As always, this episode is brought to you by Zini's Italian Restaurant.

Theme Song: "Aerosol of my Love" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/