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On the podcast this time, Steven and Sean are engaged in a knock ‘em out, shoot ‘em up, love ‘em all day long hitman double feature with the Patrick Hughes movies from 2017 and 2021 respectively, The Hitman’s Bodyguard and Hitman’s Bodyguard’s Wife.

I have a question for the universe: did Ryan Reynolds do something to director Patrick Hughes? Did he steal some of that man’s money? Insult his dog? Hit on his wife? Pee on his front lawn? Did he do something terrible to this man, for which he’s now being punished?

Because he sure gets beat the hell up throughout both of these films, and to the point where a person can start to wonder things about Reynolds’s character. There’s only so much a human body can take. I think we’re all witnessing that here.

It’s either that or Patrick Hughes is some kind of sick sadist and we’re all witnessing him get his kicks with these films. You earn enough pull in Hollywood and they’ll pretty much let you do anything. Money is a powerful motivator, you know.

I don’t mean to disparage anybody or their personal lives, but these questions need to be asked. We have the health of one of this world’s greatest living Canadian actors on the line here, people! I just don’t know if his body will be able to make it through a third installment of the “Let’s See How Much a Person Can Take before Their Heart Stops” series of films!

But anyway, here is our chat about these two films. We had very divisive views on these things. I’m going to donate to the Save Ryan Reynolds charity now.

(Recorded on September 24, 2021)

Links to Stuff We Mentioned:

The Hitman’s Bodyguard - IMDb

The Hitman’s Bodyguard - YouTube

Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard - IMDb

Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard trailer - YouTube

Ryan Reynolds - IMDb

Samuel L. Jackson - IMDb

Salma Hayek - IMDb

The Last Airbender (2010) - IMDb

Monty Python’s Flying Circus (TV Series 1969–1974) - IMDb

Robin Sparkles | How I Met Your Mother Wiki - Fandom

How I Met Your Mother - IMDb

Celine Dion - Wikipedia

Mariah Carey - Wikipedia

George Michael - Wikipedia

Wham! - Wikipedia

Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV Series 2013–2021) - IMDb

John C. McGinley - IMDb

Gary Oldman - IMDb

Léon: The Professional (1994) - IMDb

The Fifth Element (1997) - IMDb

Antonio Banderas - IMDb

The Odd Couple (1968) - IMDb

Midnight Run (1988) - IMDb

Robert De Niro - IMDb

Charles Grodin - IMDb

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On the podcast this time, Steven and Sean are suiting the hell up and getting our dang groove back in the Glenn Ficarra and John Requa film from 2011, Crazy, Stupid, Love.

Here’s what I would give to have Ryan Gosling take me to a Beverly Hills shopping center and give me a complete makeover:

• Either/both of my kidneys.
• Either/both of Steven’s kidneys.
• My entire life savings.
• My world-famous lasagna soup recipe.
• The cure for the common cold.
• All of my hopes and dreams.
• My extensive and indisputable research into the existence of a new and terrifying race of otherworldly Bigfoot monsters, otherwise known as Sasqualiens™.

Give me a call, Ryan. Let’s set this up. My number is 555-ILOVEYOURABS.

Look, he dresses up Cal, makes him look like a badass, and gives him the confidence to be his best self. Sure, he sleeps with more people than he might be comfortable with, but by the end, he comes to realize that what he wants most in life is his family back. Jacob falls in love with Hannah (but who hasn’t fallen in love with Emma Stone, am I right?), ditches his philandering ways, and learns to appreciate having a steady and loving presence in his life.

What we all get out of this is a film that’s got a damn hilarious story, crazy rewatch value, and a decent amount of Kevin Bacon. Does it get any better than that?

(Recorded on September 06, 2021)

Links to Stuff We Mentioned:

Crazy, Stupid, Love. - IMDb

Crazy, Stupid, Love. trailer - YouTube

Steve Carell - IMDb

Ryan Gosling - IMDb

Julianne Moore - IMDb

Emma Stone - IMDb

Marisa Tomei - IMDb

Kevin Bacon - IMDb

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986) - IMDb

The Godfather (1972) - IMDb

Goodfellas (1990) - IMDb

Tan France - Wikipedia

Queer Eye (TV Series 2018– ) - IMDb

Frasier (TV Series 1993–2004) - IMDb

John Carroll Lynch - IMDb

The Oral History of Memes: Where Did “Hey Girl” Come From? - E! Online

Heavy Metal (1981) - IMDb

This Is Where I Leave You (2014) - IMDb

The Place Beyond the Pines (2012) - IMDb

Patrick Swayze - IMDb

Joey King - IMDb

Wish I Was Here (2014) - IMDb

The Kissing Booth (2018) - IMDb

He’s All That (2021) - IMDb

She’s All That (1999) - IMDb

Rachael Leigh Cook - IMDb

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In this bonus episode, Steven is swimming solo exploring the deep horrors of this underwater haunting.  Thanks to Paramount Pictures Steven was able to get an early look at the breathtaking horror film The Deep House. But don’t you worry Sean will be back this Monday to chat with Steven about a new movie, or at least what’s left of Steven after this swim.  So take a deep breath and jump into the water with Steven, if you dare. As we push our limits, swim our hardest, and explore The Deep House.  

(Recorded on November 5, 2021)

Links to Stuff We Mentioned:

The Deep House 

Cloverfield

The Blair Witch Project

Paramount Pictures 

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On the podcast this time, Steven and Sean are riding like lightning and crashing like thunder in the 2012 film from Derek Cianfrance, The Place Beyond the Pines.

Three storylines. One film. A father and son tale for the ages. Coming this Sunday… Sunday… SUNDAY! to a podcast player near you, it’s a deep and complex film about a man who robs banks to help provide for the son he never knew he had. It’s about a cop whose split-second mistake turns his life upside down. It’s about the sons of these two men, looking to navigate their way through a broken and tumultuous world.

In a word, it’s Gosling-tastic.

The film suggests that our actions reverberate down through the generations. A sort of real-time, linear butterfly effect. Anyone who’s ever, well, done anything in their life can attest to the accuracy of the film. All of our actions have consequences. Sometimes they’re minor. Sometimes they shake the foundation of your life.

In the case of the character, Avery, sometimes it turns you into a scheming politician with a wayward son. In Luke’s case, sometimes you bite the bullet and your son turns into a lost person who ventures into the world seeking identity and contentment.

In our case, dear reader and listener, sometimes you get to watch and talk about an excellent film. A story that’s going to stick with you long after the end credits have finished rolling. A movie that might just zoom way up on your list of favorites. It’s just that affecting and strong.

(Recorded on September 06, 2021)

Links to Stuff We Mentioned:

The Place Beyond the Pines - IMDb

The Place Beyond the Pines trailer - YouTube

Derek Cianfrance - IMDb

Us - IMDb

A Million Ways to Die in the West - IMDb

Globe of death - Wikipedia

Ryan Gosling - IMDb

Tom Cruise - IMDb

Mission: Impossible - IMDb

The Fast and the Furious - IMDb

Mahershala Ali - IMDb

Cotton Bureau

Ben Mendelsohn - IMDb

Eva Mendes - IMDb

Fargo (1996) - IMDb

Bradley Cooper - IMDb

Avengers: Infinity War - IMDb

Ray Liotta - IMDb

Die Hard - IMDb

Dane DeHaan - IMDb

Emory Cohen - IMDb

Suicide Squad - IMDb

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On the podcast this time, Steven and Sean are joined by extra special guest, Greg Dengler (of our Army of Darkness episode fame), to wade into the shark-filled Los Angeles water with a bunch of straight-up dinguses in the 2013 “film” from Anthony C. Ferrante, Sharknado.

“Syfy joke” isn’t some clever turn of phrase we’re using to describe this thing. It’s a ridiculous experiment in bad movie-making that somehow captured the attention of enough people to allow for the funding and production of five additional sequels!

Are the rest as gobsmacking and terrible as this first installment? I’m assuming they’re worse, but you may never get to find out, dear listener/reader. After watching this fever dream of a movie, I find myself wishing that the sharks had won. It would have done my movie-loving soul good to see this movie end with Ian Ziering not make it out of the belly of the shark that gobbled him up whole.

1. CHOMP!
2. Credits.
3. A better world is left for all.

These are not the heroes that this world needs or deserves. One day, if sharknados become a real and terrifying thing (and they just might considering the ravages of climate change), please send anyone else to save us all.

The only bright, shining spot to this whole affair is that it gave us a chance to talk about it, so enjoy the episode. And if you’re going to watch this thing, make sure you do it with a friend. Take it from us, that will make the entire experience bearable.

(Recorded on September 13, 2021)

Links to Stuff We Mentioned:

Sharknado - IMDb

Sharknado trailer - YouTube

Army of the Dead (2021) - IMDb

Zack Snyder - IMDb

Bruce Campbell - IMDb

Sharktopus (TV Movie 2010) - IMDb

The Room (2003) - IMDb

Tommy Wiseau - IMDb

Sharknado - Rotten Tomatoes

Sharknado (TV Movie 2013) - IMDb

The Ayslum

Jaws (1975) - IMDb

Twister (1996) - IMDb

Rubber (2010) - IMDb

Kung Fury (Short 2015) - IMDb

Iron Sky (2012) - IMDb

Life of Pi (2012) - IMDb

Oscar-nominated visual effects company behind Life of Pi files for bankruptcy protection - The Independent

Ian Ziering - IMDb

Robbie Rist - IMDb

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie (1990) - IMDb

Sharknado end credits song - YouTube

Tara Reid - IMDb

Neil Breen - IMDb

Thunder

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On the podcast this time, Steven and Sean are dealing with the sudden and murderous alien invasion they’ve got on their hands in the Joe Cornish film from 2011, Attack the Block.

Have you ever seen something so otherworldly and beautiful that you can’t help but stare at it with all of your focus and attention? Perhaps it was the most remarkable sunrise you saw after the most amazing night of your life? Maybe it was your first child sleeping under a beam of sunlight? Could it have been some glowing blue teeth set against a void of nothingness?

That void could extend its razor claws, reaching out for something to tear and cut. Its inky nothingness could be a static fuzz in the universe. Its menacing growls are sure to make chills run through your entire being.

But those beautiful, glowing blue teeth are something else, right? They’re transfixing in a big, bad way. Kind of makes you wonder why you would ever want to run for your life when you could just pull up a chair and marvel at their unique forms. Maybe you’d want to lean forward to get a closer look.

Who wouldn’t fall under their spell? Friend. Dear reader… SNAP OUT OF IT!

Run! Run as far and as fast as you can! Wash every bit of female alien pheromone you’re sure to have on you and put on fresh clothes. You’re like a magnet to those fearsome beasts and you need to get away at once. Stop staring at those seductive, glowing teeth and save your own life!

This is our friendly warning. Use this excellent film as a warning. Think like the hooligans (and Jodie Whittaker) in this film and save your own lives. They’ve given you all the tools you need. Now go and save your own life.

(Recorded on August 23, 2021)

Links to Stuff We Mentioned:

Attack the Block - IMDb

Attack the Block trailer - YouTube

Joe Cornish - IMDb

John Boyega - IMDb

Jodie Whittaker - IMDb

Doctor Who - IMDb

Home Alone - IMDb

Joe Pesci - IMDb

Daniel Stern - IMDb

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York - IMDb

Macaulay Culkin - IMDb

Home Alone 3 - IMDb

Scarlett Johansson - IMDb

Neil Flynn - IMDb

Scrubs - IMDb

1408 - IMDb

Edgar Wright - IMDb

The Flash - IMDb

Nick Frost - IMDb

Friends - IMDb

DoesTheDogDie.com

Venom: Let There Be Carnage - IMDb

Pulp Fiction - IMDb

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On the podcast this time, Steven and Sean are re-animating dead flesh and doing a damn fine job at it if we do say so ourselves in the 1974 film from Mel Brooks, Young Frankenstein.

Let’s get this out the way first: it’s Fron-ken-steen! Frankenstein was a loony old man with a worrying obsession over the dead. Get it right!

Who are we kidding? There’s too much good stuff happening in this film to really delve too deeply into this classic right now. From Gene Wilder’s passionate mad scientist to the always “helpful” Eye-gor. From rolling in the hay to Frau Blücher [distant horse whinnies]. From Puttin’ on the Ritz to an enormous schwanzstucker. This film just has it all.

It’s a freaking classic for a reason!

If you’ve seen this film before, then we entreat you to give it another viewing. As we found out, it’s just as good the tenth time as it is the first time.

If you haven’t ever seen it, then, well, we’re a little jealous of you. Oh yes, we’re jealous because this means that you get to experience this marvel of a movie for the first time. You’ll get to experience all of the classic funny bits with fresh eyes. There’s no greater gift the universe can give to someone.

Whatever the case may be, put this one on, give it a nice watch, and then enjoy this episode!

(Recorded on August 23, 2021)

Links to Stuff We Mentioned:

Young Frankenstein - IMDb

Young Frankenstein trailer - YouTube

Mel Brooks - IMDb

Gene Wilder - IMDb

Marty Feldman - IMDb

Peter Boyle - IMDb

Teri Garr - IMDb

Cloris Leachman - IMDb

Sutton Foster Performs “Roll in the Hay” - YouTube

Blazing Saddles - IMDb

Spaceballs - IMDb

Robin Hood: Men in Tights - IMDb

History of the World: Part I - IMDb

The Producers - IMDb

Everybody Loves Raymond - IMDb

Deep Murder - IMDb

Sharknado - IMDb

Archer - IMDb

Alien - IMDb

Loki - IMDb

Puttin’ on the Ritz | Fred Astaire - YouTube

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On the podcast this time, Steven and Sean are facing our past indiscretions that are brought to the fore by a murderous hotel room in the 2007 film from Mikael Håfström, 1408.

Word to the wise: if you ever happen upon a hotel in your future travels and you notice that Samuel L. Jackson is managing it (for some reason), then you listen to what he tells you. Heed his advice, damn it!

Either that or run far, far away. He might be an actor we all know and love, but in this case, he’s managing a hotel that’s haunted in the worst way possible. We can’t stress this enough. You will die in his hotel.

I don’t think this is any failing in him as a person, necessarily. Mr. Jackson seems like a relatively amiable fellow. He’s probably quite generous. You know he’s got a million amazing stories to tell. That man’s life is an enviable whirlwind of show business, traveling, and… I don’t know, extreme golf playing? Is he a fan of golf?

Regardless, his hotel wants to kill people. It’s straight-up murder. Now that I think about it some more, he’s not doing as much as he possibly can to dissuade people from staying in his murder room. Why even change the sheets? Who says you have to go in there for that nonsense?

Why not stick up an impressive wall in front of the door? Block it off, throw away the key, and forget about it forever. You know, now that I’m writing all these words, I’m beginning to think that he sure could do more to have kept John Cusack out of that room. Sure, he tried to keep Cusack out of there, but there was clearly more that could have been done.

I’m calling it: Samuel L. Jackson wanted John Cusack to die. Jackson and 1408 are in cahoots! What a damn shame. Someone needs to stop this monster before he kills again.

(Recorded on August 16, 2021)

Links to Stuff We Mentioned:

1408 - IMDb

1408 trailer - YouTube

1408 Director’s Cut ending - YouTube

1408 Theatrical Cut ending - YouTube

John Cusack - IMDb

Samuel L. Jackson - IMDb

The Room - IMDb

Tommy Wiseau - IMDb

The Room | More Movies Please! - Libsyn

Us - IMDb

Film locations for 1408 - Movie-Locations

Tony Shalhoub - IMDb

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On the podcast this time, Steven and Sean are hiding away all of our secret keys and keeping our evil doppelgängers from murdering us in the Jordan Peele film from 2019, Us.

Hey folks, Evil Sean here. Wait, I’m supposed to have some sort of kooky name, right? Maybe something inspired by Roman mythology or other various theologies? Ummm, how about we go with Jove, because I’m just that into myself. So hey, Jove here. It’s become my duty to tell you all about two things:

1. This movie that was watched and talked about.
2. How we’re going to be coming up from the underground and taking over a good portion of the planet.

The movie ended up being pretty great, and it inspired a passionate conversation between Not Evil Sean and who I’m assuming is Not Evil Steven. Who would have guessed that this film would get the words flowing as it did? On the other hand, isn’t that what all films that stand the test of time are capable of doing? If it’s not going to make for a good discussion, then why would it be featured here?

As for the second item, I’m not too sorry to say that it’s going to happen and there’s not a lot that can be done about it. Look, you’ve been living on the surface for decades. We’ve been trapped underground, walking into walls, and eating nothing but raw rabbits. There’s a major disparity here with which you probably shouldn’t be too comfortable.

I mean, I’m not trying to wag my finger too much at you here, but… Look, it’ll all be all right. We’re open to a peaceful sharing of the world. We’re not that greedy. Who are we, you? Nope, we’re here to talk and work something out.

So look, get back to us. Don’t take too long. We’re patient—we’ve been waiting under your feet for many long years—but we’re not that patient, you know? Send a representative for the above-ground humans and let’s get this all worked out. I think we can all come to an amicable solution to this.

Sincerely, Jove.

(Recorded on August 16, 2021)

Links to Stuff We Mentioned:

Us - IMDb

Us trailer - YouTube

Jordan Peele - IMDb

Lupita Nyong’o - IMDb

Elisabeth Moss - IMDb

Winston Duke - IMDb

Tim Heidecker - IMDb

Hands Across America - Wikipedia

Multiplicity - IMDb

The Hunger Games - IMDb

Snowpiercer (2013) - IMDb

Arnold Schwarzenegger - IMDb

Smaug - Wikipedia

Pinky and the Brain - IMDb

Smallville - IMDb

Get Out - IMDb

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On the podcast this time, Steven and Sean are becoming modern-day Robin Hoods and screwing over the blood-thirsty banks in the 2016 film from David Mackenzie, Hell or High Water.

I really can’t undersell just how sweet it was to watch these two bank-robbing brothers get one over the bank that tried to steal their recently deceased mother’s land. Word to the wise, if you find oil on your property, make sure you own said property as outright as possible. You’ll never be able to trust a bank as far as you can throw one, and I’d bet that’s not very far.

They will do everything in their power to further line their own pockets with your money. Sure, modern life doesn’t work all that well without centralized banking (sorry Bitcoin enthusiasts), but there’s the rub! The balance of power is tipped heavily in favor of the banks. Need evidence to support that claim? Read into the global financial crisis of 2008. They were handing out bank bailouts like they were candy.

Oil was found on the property of these characters, and what’s the first thing the bank does? Schemes to screw over the impoverished elderly woman who owns the house. Some big bullshit, right? What do her two grieving, pissed-off sons (one of whom was just released from prison) do to right this wrong?

They start stealing money from the very same banks that are actively trying to steal from them. Oh yeah, sweet, sweet retribution.

This sort of thievery is illegal, so a Texas Ranger is dispatched to find and arrest them. It goes to show just how unbalanced the scales of justice are that some Texas Rangers weren’t also dispatched to round up the assholes who tried to take the land in the first place. That’s another story for another time. Maybe watch The Big Short or something.

I won’t spoil much of the ending. Suffice it to say, things get messy. Like all messy things, they devolve fast. Guns are shot, people are killed, and there’s a simmering standoff that features some of the best glowering work you may have ever seen from a pair of actors.

(Recorded on August 09, 2021)

Links to Stuff We Mentioned:

Hell or High Water - IMDb

Hell or High Water trailer - YouTube

Wild Wild West (1999) - IMDb

Jeff Bridges - IMDb

Heat - IMDb

Inside Man - IMDb

How I Met Your Mother - IMDb

Chris Pine - IMDb

Ben Foster - IMDb

Taylor Sheridan - IMDb

Sicario - IMDb

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